Last week: Lita became the first woman to ever turn down More Kane, to get with Edge, Master of the Briefcase. Eric Bischoff declared ECW to no longer be a company, shocking the hell out of The Sandman who had thought he’d still been wrestling for ECW for the last four years. And Viscera sang a song about nachos, what will he sing about…TONIGHT?!
In what is surely going to be the highlight of their careers, a bunch of Crappy Local Indy Workers stand around the ring. To guard it from…a RoboCop run-in? Hell, I don’t know. Here’s Edge and Lita anyway, and the Indy guys let them through. I guess they‘re here just in case Matt Hardy does a run-in. Lita’s got the mic. Greeeeeat.
Lita: A lot of people have been talking about my relationship with Adam. Edge Tian: Uh…who? Lita: You, silly goose. Edge: My name isn’t Adam. It’s Edge. Edge Tian. Lita: Ooooh. Right. I was talking about the other Adam who I’m having sex with. Edge: WHAT?! Stone Cold Steve Austin: What? Sean Cold Val Venis: What? Austin: I want everybody to go see my new movie. Lita: Oh, nothing. Anyway, I left Kane because honestly, there’s only so much Kane a girl can take. You try spending just a few hours with that guy and you’ll know what I mean. “Oh, where did X-Pac go? Why can’t I ever get a push? Why did my dad get burried in oatmeal? Why do I have such trouble with my Real Dolls, I mean Triple H breaks my first one and then Orton breaks my other one before I can even finish cooking my chicken. Oh, I’m Kane.” That’s the kind of stuff he says all the time. You’d be sick of it too after a while. Edge, now here’s a guy who never knows what the hell to say. Because you’re so dumb! Isn’t that right, honey pot? Edge: Man, can a girl get a salad over here? Lita: See what I mean? He’s not NEARLY as depressing as Matt or Kane. Edge: Not since I got this nifty briefcase and this sleeve I’m not. Lita: Unlike the fifty OTHER guys I’ve been shacked up with, Edge is a REAL man. Dean Malenko: Hey! Lita: Who is going to win a world title! Malenko: He’s got me there. Fair enough. Lita: And he’s going to do it tonight! Edge: Uh…sure! Yeah. Let’s not get our hopes too far up. But…uh…I promise to try real hard, and keep my chin up, and hopefully…I can do it! Right? Yeah. Maybe! Now let’s make out!
Edge and Lita make out.
J.R.: That’s a man’s wife! This is a travesty by gawd!
In Cameron, North Carolina…..
Matt Hardy: Damn right it’s a travesty! I’m going to go post about it on my message board right now! Molly Holly: Matt, isn’t that how this whole mess got started in the first place? Maybe if you just be quiet for a few months, they’ll hire you back on Smackdown. Matt: Yeah right! Stand aside, woman! I’ll show you how a REAL man deals with his problems. Let me see this…”I cannot BELIEVE what they’re putting on RAW these days. To make fun of another man’s disaster is sick and wrong! This is worse than the time Typhoon swung through Asia jobbing to Stan Hansen at every port! It’s wrong to shove such wretched abuse so blatantly in another man’s face. How dare those two! They are the scum of the earth. -VeeeeeeOoooonaaah” Now we wait for the fat chicks to roll-in their support. Molly: Speaking of fat chicks, has anyone seen Jeff? Rhyno: Yeah, I saw friggin’ Jeff. Molly: Really? Rhyno: No. GORE GORE GORE!
Rhyno gores through the computer. Meanwhile, Kane sits in the back rocking.
Kane: What about me? Where’s My backstage segment? I was married to her, why don’t I get a…oh…hey, there Mr. Camera. The Wind: Are you troubled? Finding it difficult to express your emotions? Kane: Yes! The Wind: I am here to help!
In the Bischoffice….
Eric Bischoff: Yeah, I want a whole funeral motif for the segment. Black wreath, casket…uh…balloons. Tough Enough Jessie: Sniff…why do you have to be so mean? Production Dude: Yeah, man. That’s stone cold. Stone Cold Steve Austin: What? Production Dude: Doing a funeral angle today. What the hell, man? The internet is going to be ALL over this. Austin: Seriously, see my movie. Bischoff: Huh? No…NO! An ECW funeral! Like we used to do whenever Scott Steiner would injure somebody in WCW! Tough Enough Jessie: Scott Steiner was a bad man! WAAAAH! Shelton Benjamin: OMG! Mr. Bischoff! I can’t findChrisJerichoIlookedeverywherebutIcan’tfindhim. Bischoff: What the hell are you talking about? Did you just say “OMG”? Benjamin: Chris Jericho is missing! Bischoff: Oh no! Now who will job in your tag team match? Benjamin: Me? Bischoff: That’s the spirit! Get out there and show them how it’s done!
Muhammed Hassan and Khosrow Daivari v. Shelton Benjamin
Hassan and Daivari take turns running into Benjamin so that he can’t perform any wrestling moves. That’s a brilliant strategy! Man, jobbing to Hulk Hogan has really done wonders for these guys’ careers. Daivari tries to bring a chair into the ring, but WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan isn’t having any of that, so Daivari whacks Doan with the chair instead. The referee otherwise occupied with the ground, Hassan hits The Stroke on Benjamin and Daivari gets the pin. What, they couldn’t do that while the ref was awake? Seems like a perfectly good waste of some brain cells. Well, I guess this is further proof that sometimes there IS stopping Shelton. Even NAH.
Chris Jericho arrives wearing his beret and a little goatee. He’s stopped by Todd Grisham.
Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Chris Jericho, and Chris are you as depressed as I am that you missed your match? Chris Jericho: Hell no. I didn’t have to job to Hassan and Daivari! Score one for the Jerichoman! Grisham: So you’re comfortable with this sham of a life you find yourself in? Your job, your ONLY job in this company, is to show up on time for your match, stand in the ring for five minutes and then go backstage to take a shower and eat some crappy ass catering, and you still found a way to mess that up! This doesn’t reach into the very pit of your soul and rattle your innards with the guilt of conscience? That doesn’t pull out your heart and make you watch it as it slowly beats its last because you failed in your ONE simple measly job? Jericho: No, I’m pretty sure what I’m feeling here is apathy, Toddy. Grisham: Then I envy you, Chris Jericho. For you are a much greater and braver man than I. Even standing here now, fulfilling my duty to this show, I feel an emptiness inside me that cannot be filled with any amount of fun sized Snickers bars. Jericho: Eh. I’m going to see if I have to do anything else, otherwise I’m goin’ home early.
A car whizzes by nearly killing Grisham. Todd looks longingly after the car, and weeps. In Chris Tian’s Locker room….
Chris Tian: Look at this crap. What the hell was I thinking saying that I wanted to move over to Smackdown? Shannon Moore? Funaki? Man, I’ve got better things to do with my Friday nights. Tyson Tomko: …. Christian: That was only that ONCE! And I only called and said those things because I was drunk dialing, ok. Geez. How many times do I have to explain it to you? Tomko: …. Christian: What’d you mean “Try explaining it to the goats?” There were no goats! I swear! Edge Tian: Oh, there were goats. Christian: As if you would know. What are you guys doing here anyway? Lita: Do you, like, have any ass cream we can borrow? Christian: What for? Edge: Lita and I are gonna go out to the parking lot and get FREAKY TIME! Christian: Ew. No. I mean yes. It’s in my bag. Lita: Awesome. Who’s gonna go first, me or you? Edge: Definitely me! Christian: Go away! J.R.: How dare those two! They are the scum of the earth, By Gawd!
Matt Hardy: Did you hear that? Molly Holly: I’m sure it was just a coincidence. Matt: Maybe so. But still, “The continuation of this on-screen relationship is a disgrace to humanity.” Molly: Isn’t that a little harsh? Matt: You’ve never had your heart shattered into a billion pieces, Molly. Molly: Well, there WAS that aborted angle with Chris Nowinski. And Spike, of course. But you’re right. I came out ahead both times. I’m a winner at the game of life.
Iron Chef Chris Masters v. Challenger Stevie Richards Hardcore Broccoli Battle
Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-San! Kenji Fukui: Go ahead! Ohta: There’s a Stevie Richards match on RAW! What the hell? Fukui: Good point. We’ll see if Stevie’s months of rest have made him a threat here in Kitchen Stadium. Dr. Yukio Hatori: I’ve gotta say, I like the challenger’s chances here. A normal broccoli battle would obviously favor the Iron Chef, who is known world wide for his broccoli broth, but this is a HARDCORE broccoli battle, which is the Challenger’s specialty. Fukui: So…does that mean the broccoli is harder? Or has a different consistency? Hatori: No, no. It’s just broccoli. Guest Judge Yoshiro Tajiri: Maaan, I friggin’ hate broccoli. WWE Diva Josh Matthews: I don’t. It’s what keeps my complexion nice and shiny. Tajiri: You’re so hot. Josh: And I have broccoli to thank. Ohta: Fukui-san! Fukui: Go ahead. Ohta: Bad news! The challenger’s urine test came up positive for curry. He’s been smuggling illegal spices into the stadium, and as a result, he’s had to forfeit. Iron Chef Chris Masters: A hard fought victory!
Back in the Bischoffice….
Todd Grisham: It’s like he doesn’t even care, you know? Am I the only one who can feel the searing knives of pain brought on by this show? Eric Bischoff: Who the hell are you? Grisham: Todd Grisham. The interviewer? Bischoff: Go interview Kane. Grisham: Ah yes. When in hell, why not stick your face deep into the lake of sulfur? Bischoff: Shut up and go. I know just how to punish Chris Jericho.
Rob Conway v. Chris Jericho
Conway getting the singles match here because…God knows we were on Grenier-overload. Wait. THIS is how you punish Chris Jericho? Man, why not send out Maven or something while your at it? Wait a second…Rob Conway being out here means that millions of televisions in America are desperately flipping through the channels trying to find ANYTHING else, leaving poor Chris to get no ratings. Brilliantly played, Mr. Bischoff! For his part, Jericho just locks in the Walls and gets the win. Wow. He won. With the Walls? How bad does Conway suck? Shelton Benjamin comes down to complain, but Jericho isn’t having any of it. I’m with Jericho. If Shelton could have held out for another couple minutes, Jericho could have run down to the ring for the hot tag. This is all really Shelton’s fault.
Now it’s time for Eric Bischoff’s ECW Funeral.
Eric Bischoff: ECW. You were good while you lasted. You gave me Lance Storm and Mike Awesome. And for that I curse you to no end. But you also gave me lots of flippy guys and Dean Malenko, so it wasn’t all bad. But honestly, why do we have to keep dredging up this crap? It’s not Vince’s fault that Paul E. had no business handling more than 14 cents at a time. And it’s certainly not my fault. If you can’t make due without Mike Awesome, you’ve got issues bigger than WCW talent raids. I mean, turning to Justin Credible as your standard bearer didn’t really help things did it? So let it GO people. You don’t see me marching up and down backstage demanding a new Starrcade do you? And for good reason! I’m at least willing to admit that WCW sucked at the end! ECW never even won the ratings war, and yet their friggin’ getting their own PPV?! What the hell?
To respond on behalf of ECW, here’s ECW expert…uh…Vince McMahon?
Vince McMahon: You know something, Eric. You’re right. I don’t know what the hell I’m thinking here. But I’m a business man, Eric, and if I can make a quick buck off some company that buried itself five years ago, you bet your sweat and sour ass I’m going to do it. Believe me, some sucker in a sweaty, pizza stained old CyberSlam 1997 T-Shirt is creaming his pants at the prospect of paying $35 to watch Sabu fall off the ropes just to yell, “OH! You F’d Up!” or sit enraptured as Sandman takes the entirety of the PPV just to make his entrance. It’s gold, baby. Ain’t no way I’m passing that up. Now the WCW library, I just bought so I could watch it and make fun of you.
Here comes the money!
Shane McMahon: Yoyoyoyoyoyo…Hold up a sec, pops. I’M the true owner of WCW. And as the owner of WCW, I’m going to ask that you turn over the WCW tapes to me, so that I can bring them back to my house and laugh at them. Booyah. Vince: Now, just one second here, Shane.
Here’s Paul Heyman.
Paul Heyman: Let’s not skirt the issue here, gentlemen. The crux of the matter is that ECW is back! Folks, it’s the most hardcore, action packed wrestling you’ve ever seen. We’ve got Sabu, we’ve got the Sandman, Tommy Dreamer, Justin Credible, Lance Storm, Tajiri, Chris Benoit, Nunzio! Every style of wrestling you want, we’ve got it in spades. Garbage wrestling? You bet! Guys rolling around? All over the place! We’ve got lucha spot fests coming out of our asses, folks. I’d like to thank Vince McMahon for coming up with the money so that for one more night, I can experience what it is like to run ECW into the ground once again! Thank you, Vince. Bischoff: Well, that was inspiring. It’s no wonder we beat you in the Wrestling Wars. Heyman: We outlasted you by a week! Bischoff: Come on. What was the best rating you ever scored? .002? Heyman: Give me Ted Turners money and I could have…. Bischoff: Bankrupted Time Warner? Vince: Oh snap! No he didn’t! Heyman: Oh yeah, Eric. You’re a real wrestling brain trust. I’ve got a GREAT idea! Let’s steal a concept from Japan, base the company on it for three years, and when the opportunities present themselves to cash in in a major way, let’s ignore them until the fans don’t care anymore! Bischoff: OR I could decide to prove my dominance by choosing the worst possible wresters from my available pool of talent to make champions, just to prove I could make stars out of ANY shmuck that came through my system, and then, when I finally decide to the belt to my most popular star who EVERYONE adores for whatever reason, I can job him out two seconds later to a guy who even the most hardcore of my fans can’t stand. Heyman: That’s certainly a better idea than using my ties to one of the biggest and most expansive companies in the world to create such stunning intellectual properties as the KISS Demon and rapper turned wrestling manager Master P. Vince : I hesitate to add that I beat the crap out of BOTH of you. Heyman: Yes, we’re all THRILLED that you pulled yourself up from the Gobbledygooker and beat us both into submission by letting some guy talk about “eating pie” for two hours while your son in law snarled and pointed at his crotch. Well played. Shane: Wow, who would have thought bringing the top three guys during the Wrestling Wars to the same ring at the same time would have caused problems. Vince: I own ECW, Mr. Heyman, so I suggest you treat me with a bit more respect.
Stephanie McMahon: Hi, Daaaaad! Don’t you remember? I own ECW! So what I say goes. And Paul Heyman here has been a bad, bad boy. Heyman: Oh crap. Stephanie: So it is my decree that at ECW One Nightstand, The entire ECW roster will fight for a chance to wrestle and lose to my Husband at the end of the night. Tommy Dreamer: I will never job to Triple H. I will fight for the honor of ECW! Stephanie: Would you do it for…A Klondike bar? Dreamer: Oh god, yes. Heyman: TOMMY! Dreamer: What can I say, Paul? I’m a fatty. Sigh. Sorry, ECW fans. Bischoff: What the hell just happened right now? All right! That’s it! I’m going to bring an army of RAW Superstars to the show! I don’t care what’s happening, I’m going to take over, then spend twenty minutes tearing down the set so that I can spend twenty minutes building the Starrcade entrance ramp so we can have a fifteen minute WCW PPV! And then after the first match, Schiavone can say, “Sorry folks, we’re all out of time!” Heyman: You’re mad! Shane: Who are you going to get? Maven? Nova? Rosey? Bischoff: No…No…Nova will turn on me. I will bring only the best of the best. La Resistance! And…uh…Val Venis! Vince: Now see? This will be the best Invasion angle EVER! Heyman: And only four years too late! Stephanie: So does this mean nobody is jobbing to Hunter? Dreamer: I guess so. Sigh. I really COULD go for a Klondike bar. Shane: Booyah!
The funeral wreath starts on fire and the lights go out as a funeral dirge plays.
The Voice of the Undertaker: Let it be known, I had nothing to do with this crap.
Crippler Chris Benoit v. “The Japanese Buzzsaw” Yoshihiro Tajiri In an ECW Rules Rematch
So if this match is contested under ECW rules, does that mean that Regal will run out to help Tajiri and Jericho will run out to help Benoit, which will transition to a Regal/Jericho match? If so, that’s awesome! Tajiri hits Benoit with the “Aquamarine Mist” which causes a faulty report to circulate on the internet about your health. Don’t worry, 411 is all over it. Tajri goes under the ring and pulls out Sal E. Graziano and rides him around for awhile. ECDub! ECDub! Benoit wins when he grabs a kendo stick, jams it down Tajiri’s throat and then Germans him for the pin. Yeah. That was the finish to Super Crazy/Rhyno at Barely Legal ‘98.
Ric Flair is in “Dave” Batista “Davidson”’s locker room.
“Dave” Batista “Davidson“: Can I help YOU! Ric Flair: Wha? Oh, it’s you! Dave, I’ve been thinking, and WOO I like you better than Triple By God H! You’re way cooler. Batista: Thank YOU! Flair: All Triple H cares about is his damn cat, and between the two of us, I think he’s turning into kind of a girly man. Batista: He’s just fumbling towards ECSTACY! Flair: Yeah, Stacy too. Anyway, what I’m trying to say, is that you’re much more grown up, WOO, much more manly, WOO, and much bigger WOO! So I’m gonna take your old lady for a ride on Space Mountain Fat boy! WOO! Err…I mean…shake your hand. Batista: You wanna play Hungry Hungry HIPPOS? You can be YELLOW! Flair: Ugh. Sure kid. Whatever you say.
Kane is still rocking back and forth. Todd Grisham enters. Oh boy.
Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Kane. Kane, do you feel the burning pain of being a part of this show destroying you more and more every waking moment? Kane: Burning, this pain is, No More Can I feel My Face Numbed by Lita and Edge Grisham: I hear that. Kane: Pain consumes my life Pain has taken my dear wife Why Todd, do you ask? Grisham: I just think we could be kindred spirits. Plus, it’s my job. Kane: You don’t feel my pain No kindred spirits remain This show needs more Kane. Grisham: Who the hell is this guy. The Wind: I am Will O’ The Wind. Pay me no mind! Grisham: Whatever. Kane: Imagi controls my world Is the pain in life for real? Am I 2Xtreme? Grisham: That was awful. The Wind: Emoetry is always a work in progress! Grisham: No, I’m sure it will always suck. The Wind: Kill the unbeliever!
The Wind falls off a locker, blowing the spot and killing Todd. Kane leaves.
Maria Tennyson Lund is standing by with…Oh boy! Viscera.
Maria Tennyson Lund: Maria Tennyson Lund here, and I’m with Viscera, and Viscera, I’ve developed a hypothesis in my secret underground laboratory that you really like food. Is this true. Viscera: Baby, I like food all over your body. I’m gonna take some mushy peas, girl and rub them down your inner thighs. Then I’m gonna go get some pudding girl, whatever they’ve got at the store, but hopefully tapioca, and I’m gonna massage it into your cleavage while I whisper love sonnets in your ear. Then, baby girl, I’m gonna go get some corn. Long, buttery stocks of hardcore corn, girl, just for you, and I’m gonna take it and…. Maria: Oh, I think I’m allergic to corn. Also, beans give me gas. Viscera: …and I’m gonna work it all up in there while I make an ice cream sundae in your navel, and if the fudge isn’t too HOT for you, my sweet treat, I’m gonna make it a hot fudge sundae if you know what I mean. I’m cookin’ up a special batch of…. Maria: Oh, I don’t eat fudge. Too many calories. A girl’s gotta watch her figure right, Lillian? Lillian Garcia: I’m sorry, I wasn’t paying attention. What was Victuals talking about? Viscera: …eatin’ the pickles all out of there like some kind of pickle eater, baby, and I’m gonna wash out with some warm water, because I care about your health, puppy eyes. Then I’m gonna go get me some carrot sticks and I’m gonna…. Maria: DANCE BREAK!
Everybody takes a ten minute dance break. Jonathan Coachman comes out to stop the fun.
Jonathan Coachman: I SAY! By decree of Eric Bischoff, Mayor of these Parts, there will be no dancing! You three, get to the back and think about the immorality you are spreading. Jiggling your…parts like that. How crude! Viscera: Sounds like we got a square in our midst, girls! You know what we do with squares!
They all rush forward, strip Coach to his boxers, tie him to a surfboard and ship him out into Lake Michigan. The dance break continues until it is interrupted by these….
Edge Tian (w/ Lita, The Briefcase, the Shirt Sleeve, Chris Tian, Tyson Tomko and The Goatee) v. “Dave” Batista “Davidson” For the WWE World Heavyweight Title)
Of Edge and Lita, Ross notes that “The continuation of this on-screen relationship is a disgrace to humanity.“ Wow, it’s like, seven to one. Despite facing the overwhelming power of Chris Benoit’s shirt sleeve and a briefcase which may or may not contain Charlie Haas, Dave jumps out to an early lead in the match by punching Edge in the face while his teammates stare on in anguish. Geez, if they’re just going to stand there, they could’ve brought drinks. Or snacks. I know of a certain somebody who has a batch of fudge and carrot sticks backstage. You know what? Stick to the booze. It’ll make this match go faster.
The guys outside have taken to playing Scrabble. The Goatee has an early lead spelling “quickie” with a triple word score. Suddenly, Tian and Tomko realize that Edge is getting beaten up, and after two more rounds, they jump into the ring and attack. After a few minutes of mighty standing over Batista, Ric Flair comes to the rescue. Chop to Tomko! Old man badgering to Tian! Both guys bail. Lita can only look on and make shocked faces as her boyfriend takes the OSPREY BOMB TO EDGE~! You could have done SOMETHING anyway. While Edge rolls off to the side, Batista is confronted by a returning Triple H, which is probably a bit more worrisome than a triple word score. A little harder to overcome, at least. While Dave has his back turned, Flair hits him with the lowblow right to the little Dave. Oh! Heel turn! I guess! Triple H comes in and hits Dave with the sledgehammer. Dave is busted open at about .2 Cena. Bleed like a man! Triple H has the mic.
Triple H: So…you want to fight me? Huh? “Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Not PARTICULARILY! HHH: Oh yeah? Why not? Batista: A third time would do a bad BUYRATE! I should main event a PPV against someone ELSE! HHH: Yeah? Well you and me! Hell in a Cell! Batista: Can the cell be made out of LEGOS? HHH: I guess. Batista: YAY!
Next Week: In preparation for the Draft and the ECW PPV, my boy Nunzio dominates the RAW Roster. Dave and Triple H quibble about whether or not the Hell In A Lego Cell can have any of those little windows in it. Plus, Kane, Chris Jericho, Todd Grisham, and The Wind decide to spend the entire RAW locked in the basement eating Doritos and listening to Dashboard Confessional.
Tonight I wanna ruin my life, I wanna throw it all away, In a spectacular way
Molly: Speaking of fat chicks, has anyone seen Jeff? Rhyno: Yeah, I saw friggin’ Jeff. Molly: Really? Rhyno: No. GORE GORE GORE!
Poor Molly and Matt I wonder if they are hanging out now?
The Iron Chef bit was great, and I watched Iron Chef right after RAW was finished, so it doubles the coolness. You forgot to mention that Fukui-san would mention that both men are perspiring every 10 seconds, though
Nice to see the Invasion lore being brought up again, what with the fact that Shane DOES (storyliney) own WCW and Steph owns ECW. But where does the WCW-ECW alliance come into play?
Great to hear Kane reciting Jeff Hardy-style poetry there, even references to his Imagi possum or whatever it is Really like the column, great work as usual.
The pen is mightier then the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
"You can look the other way once, and it's no big deal, except it makes it easier for you to compromise the next time, and pretty soon that's all your doing; compromising, because that's the way you think things are done. You know those guys I busted? You think they were the bad guys? Because they weren't, they weren't bad guys, they were just like you and me. Except they compromised... Once." -- Jack Bauer
Good column, and you've certainly hit the nail on the head of a few points as to why this has quickly become underwhelming television. Hopefully, the WWF gets it's act together on this before it's too late.