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The W - Guest Columns - Who's Your Satire (1/12/04)
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Since: 19.1.02
From: Minnesota

Since last post: 807 days
Last activity: 675 days
#1 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.25
Last Week: Theodore Long took over RAW…wait…that can’t be right…yeah…yeah it is. Shawn Michaels and Triple H fell over, Randy Orton celebrates! Steve Austinwell…he hasn’t really explained WHAT the hell it is he’s doing. Maybe he will…TONIGHT!

Coach is back on commentary tonight ensuring at least another weak of wicked commentator in-fighting action! J.R. has decided to take on the form of a deaf walrus, setting him immediately ahead in the animal morphing portion of the fight.

Lita and Trish Stratus v. Molly Holly and Jazz (w/ Theodore Long)

Say, do you suppose that they’ll remember that Jazz hit Molly? J.R. does. Good enough. 3 points for J.R. The MVP of this match is Cleavage. You know, they should just go ahead and debut a wrestlers as “Cleavage”. Too bad they got rid of Daffney. Lita’s shirt is about as well put together as her CD track. Trish and Jazz fall over. Geez, Randy. Quit holding down the women’s division. Jazz wins when she punches Trish. Wasn’t that a DQ? Damn. I have trouble keeping up with this. Teddy starts stripping, of course. He throws his underwear at Trish and Trish turns and says “So what they say IS true!” Jericho runs in to keep Long from getting with his ungirlfriend, but Mark Henry makes the save, because Teddy needs some lovin’. But Trish bails. No respect for the black man, buhlee dat.


Matt Hardy is out. He’s…uh…on this show? Huh. Matt says that Lita and Jeff Hardy get more screen time than he does. Maybe that’s because they don’t SUCK. Wait…yes they do. What the hell? I’m with you, Matt. Wait…Jeff gets screen time? You liar. Way to turn me against you. Maybe Steve Austin will make some sense out of this. Oh…who in the HELL am I kidding?! Here’s a guy riding around on a four wheeler and wearing a little badge and cowboy hat. Ladies and gentlemen, THIS IS RAW!

SA: What?
MH: I don’t get any screen time!
SA: That’s because you’re a hillbilly who wears pajama pants.
MH: Yeah…but…I mean, come on…Hardcore Holly is in a Heavyweight Title feud.
SA: Yeah?! No crap?! Man. You picked the wrong show, dude. We don’t have any one legged guys for you to job to, but we don’t push crazy hillbillies either.
MH: You get pushed all the time.
SA: Yeah, but I had sex with Linda McMahon.
MH: Oooooh….
SA: Anyway, this segment has gone JUST long enough, so I’m out here to tell you that I’m reactivating Goldberg. I went and opened up his box on Wednesday. Man that thing was ripe. Anyway, here he comes now.

Matt Hardy v. Bill Goldberg

Goldberg has a full beard. This either makes him look like a very fit homeless man, or a very bald Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Maybe Austin hit up the wrong box? Nah, Hacksaw was never in THIS good of shape. Or any kind of shape. Other than kind of squarish. Goldberg is kind of rusty after having been deactivated for so long, and he ends up Jackhammering Matt Hardy through the floor. The always vibrant Long Island Crowd gives a resounding murmur of semi-approval. Goldberg gets on the mic, “Bzzzt…I do not like being deactivated…zzzzzzzzz…I win Royal Rumble?” Silly Goldberg, Robots can’t win the Royal Rumble…OR CAN THEY?! Perhaps now is the time for me to unveil my robot that looks like Spike Dudley but has saws for hands. You can’t win if you bleed to death. I’m just sayin’. Maybe I’ll wait until next year.


Eric Bischoff asks Austin what the hell being the Sheriff means anyway? Austin asks if Bischoff isn’t the least bit curious about the Goldberg reactivation.

EB: Uh…the what?
SA: Goldberg…reactivation.
EB: Oh…crap. I forgot to fill out for 7G on the Goldberg Deactivation Form didn’t I.
SA: Uh…yeah.
EB: And people only now realized that?
SA: Yeah. Hey…that’s pretty stupid isn’t it?
EB: Yeah. Well. Nobody ever accused us of being smart.
HHH: Guys! GUYS! Tommy Dreamer swallowed a spoon again.
SA: Ugh….
EB: I’ll go help get it out, just don’t do anything Sheriffy while I’m gone.

Mick Foley…retired old fat author. Kind of like Pete Rose! I wonder if Mick Bet on his World Title match. I hope he was watching Nitro that night. Pretty Randy Orton says that he’d like Mick to come and sit at ringside tonight. Is Mick Foley the new owner of WCW?! Find out…TONIGHT!!


“Dave” Batista “Davidson” (w/ Ric Flair) v. D-Von Dudley (w/ Bubba Ray Dudley)

Man, I just can’t get enough D-Von Dudley matches. The Dudleyz are using they’re new song. I like the parts when Bubba tries to rap and then D-Von says something. This is going to be the best CD ever! This match was really about the announcer’s sex lives. The only one who doesn’t chime in is Lawler, who sadly enough probably has the best of the three. Kevin Nash would make a better Coach. I’m just sayin’. Flair runs around distracting everyone long enough for Dave to hit the Morgan Bomb for the win. Flair gets the table, because that’s his gimmick. Bubba runs in and scares everyone off by telling them that he’ll have Kevin Dunn play Lita’s song. Hey, D-Von’s sporting a beard too. Lots of beards in these first few matches, Goldberg, D-Von, the women…maybe it’s a new trend in wrestling. If it is, let me just say, “Stop. You all look ridiculous.” Thanks.

Broken Neck = Big Push. Remember that young wrestlers. Wait.


Teddy Long tells Mark Henry that tonight Henry will fight Jericho because Jericho cannot under any circumstances have a good match this week. No face turn for you!

Scott Steiner is backstage with Goldberg. Oh boy.

SS: Goldberg, you can’t bet my freaks or peaks. I’m the booty daddy!
BG: Uh…Steiner…I’m pretty sure that at this point in your career’s ass, Rico’s Ass could beat your ass.
SS: Damn…I’m that much of a joke, huh?
BG: You bet your ass you are, and you know what else your ass is? NEXT!
SS: Uh…can it wait? Was going to go watch Dreamer cough up spoons.
BG: Woah. Cool. Let’s go.

Man, I could have SWORN they were going to make out.

When I think RAW I think of Jonathan Coachman standing on a chair.


Coach is in the ring now. He calls out Triple H and Shawn Michaels to come and ramble. That’ll be crazy go nuts.

HHH: Shawn, I was wondering, could I borrow, like 3 bucks? I’ll pay you back next Monday.
SM: What for Hump Her Herpes?
JC: Hehehe. That’s a good one.
HHH: I…uh…wanted to rent Bring It On 2 (Bring it Onier), but I’m a little short this month, because I’m addicted to this YJStinger stuff. I can’t get enough of these bees.
SM: Oh, for that, absolutely.
HHH: Man. I don’t want to wrestle at the Royal Rumble. Can’t we just play Scrabble for the World Title?
JC: When can I use my X? As in DX! Triple Word Score!
SM: Can I wear my cowboy boots?
HHH: That’s pretty tacky.
JC: Tacky like a fox!

Shawn Superkicks Coach.

HHH: Oh, thank God.
SM: If one of us falls over…would uh…Randy Orton win the Dance Dance World Title?
HHH: Crap. That’s right. And I thought Bob Holly was bad.


Booker T v. Kane

Booker T’s trusty old song has been dumped in favor of Booker T mumbling while music plays. I can’t dig that. Did he lose another Court Case to Clarence Mason? Man, G.I. Bro is going to LIGHT UP Heat! I could use some more Kane about now. Ahh…That’s the spot. I could use a million dollars about now.

Damn. I wasted my one wish on an appearance by Kane. Oh well. Kane wraps the stairs around Booker’s head, which is obviously pointing to the return of the Undertaker because when the Undertaker rides out to the ring, you can’t see the stairs. Just like Booker can’t see the stairs because he’s inside them…. Kane Tombstones Booker. Which means nothing.


Chris Jericho v. Mark Henry (w/ Jazz and Theodore Long)

Henry makes a pretzel with Jericho. That’s pretty neat. Make Robert Frost next! Jericho grabs Mark’s hair and pulls off his wig. Mark Henry is actually Ruben!! Holy crap! I knew it! Jericho gets face heat, but the announcers ignore it to let us know that Val Venis married Brittany this weekend. You know, I’ll give Jericho credit for this, he sure as hell knows how to write himself to get pushed down the card just as well as any of the other RAW writers. The story of the match is Jericho going for the Walls, but never getting it put on because he NEVER wins with the Walls anymore. Or with anything else. Trish runs out and starts rolling around with Jazz distracting everyone. It’s not much, but sometimes you takes what you can gets. Mark hits Jericho with a powerslam. This, of course, gives him the win. Everybody but crowd hates Jericho. Even Trish. And Lillian. That hobag.


My Darling Stacy thinks that maybe Trish should just get it over with and take what she wants from Jericho already. That’s the best advice this show’s ever given. Stacy, honey, you’re a genius.

Chris Tian says that he and Jericho should go out and have sex with some fine ladies. Where’s Lance Storm when you need him? Trish comes in just after they leave and steals Jericho’s wallet.

Evolution is standing backstage.

HHH: I think Mick Foley is coming.
RO: Really? Do you think he’ll show?
DBD: I need some BOOZE!
RF: Of course he’ll come after he finds out that I took his old lady for a ride on Space Mountain, fat boy! WOOOOO!
RO: Uh…No you didn’t.
RF: Really? Who was that then?
HHH: Dawn Marie.
RF: AH! I’ve Got the Herpes!!!

Hearing “Booze” three times, Steve Austin swoops in on his four wheeler and runs over everyone but Orton.

RO: Whew. I didn’t get run over AND I didn’t get Pedigreed. Tonight is a good night to be Pretty Randy Orton!


Rob Van Dam v. Randy Orton
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Rob shows his mastery of telling off WWE management by not being on the show at all until right now. Wow, that’s pretty impressive for the main event, Rob. Rob jumps around, but he doesn’t fall over. What defensive mastery shown by Rob Van Dam! Not knowing quite what to do, Randy decides that he’ll fall over and try to confuse Van Dam. Unfortunately, he falls face first on Mick Foley’s chair and he comes up all bloody. Oh no! Now he’s not quite as pretty! Poor Randy.


Rob is still flipping around. Orton stares at the blood on his eyes and starts to cry. What did he ever do to deserve the unprettying of his face. I mean neither, Chris Tian nor TLC was even INVOLVED in this match. Rob jumps up on the top rope, but he suddenly remembers that he forgot to point to himself and he loses his balance…This is Orton’s big opportunity! RVD FALLS OVER! ORTON WINS!

The camera stares longingly at Mick Foley’s empty chair as Orton tries to pack the pretty blood back into his pretty gaping head wound. Maybe they can give him a Hello Kitty bandaid to put over that.

Next Week: Steve Austin engages in more vehicular fun as he and Kane chase each other around backstage on golfcarts and try to run over midcarders. Trish Stratus will find out that she’s pregnant…With Chris Tian’s Baby! Will the zanyness never start? My Darling Stacy will offer more romantic advice, this time hooking up those star crossed lovers Goldberg and Scott Steiner, I wonder if Kane will be jealous?

Until Next Week…Get something to eat.

(edited by Excalibur05 on 13.1.04 0242)

Wisconsin Badgers: 7-5 (Still waiting for bowl week...weee.)

Minnesota Vikings: 8-6 (Oh, come on. Seriously. We'd better beat Kansas City next week. Somebody put Moss' cellphone in the endzone.)
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Since: 2.1.02
From: East TN

Since last post: 4904 days
Last activity: 4782 days
#2 Posted on | Instant Rating: 6.22

    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    Evolution is standing backstage.

    HHH: I think Mick Foley is coming.
    RO: Really? Do you think he’ll show?
    DBD: I need some BOOZE!
    RF: Of course he’ll come after he finds out that I took his old lady for a ride on Space Mountain, fat boy! WOOOOO!
    RO: Uh…No you didn’t.
    RF: Really? Who was that then?
    HHH: Dawn Marie.
    RF: AH! I’ve Got the Herpes!!!
    DBD: BOOZE!! BOOZE!!!!

That was laugh out loud funny. These recaps are better than the damn shows at this point. Keep up the good work.

Big Bad

Since: 4.1.02
From: Dorchester, Ontario

Since last post: 1 day
Last activity: 10 hours
#3 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.54

    You know, they should just go ahead and debut a wrestlers as “Cleavage"

There was Beaver Cleavage...oy vey, there's a bad suppressed memory.

Rob asks Dave and Ric if they want to go backstage to play Hungry Hungry Hippos and Flair and Batista immediately bail. Flair wants to be Green. Man, EVERYBODY wants to be green. Except the girl in the commercials. She wanted to be pink. That either means that the ad agency was sexist or that she was communist. Of course Hungry Hungry Hippos is a rather capitalist game isn’t it? No self respecting communist would play Hungry Hungry Hippos. Except Stalin. He LOVED Hungry Hungry Hippos. God, I’ve got no clue what the hell I’m rambling about anymore.-- Matt "Excalibur05" Hocking, Raw Satire writer extraordinaire

You know, I just can't call it the "WWE." I just can't. My body's rejecting it like a bad liver transplant.-- Bill Simmons,
Santa Sangre

Since: 21.6.02
From: Germany

Since last post: 664 days
Last activity: 664 days
#4 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.23
    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    RO: Whew. I didn’t get run over AND I didn’t get Pedigreed. Tonight is a good night to be Pretty Randy Orton!

This is just like that southpark episode when Kenny didn't die...Good job as always, Excalibur.

(edited by Santa Sangre on 14.1.04 1316)

Sir Loin don't care if it's cold or old or covered in mold/It's for the shorteez

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From Shane spitting when he talks to Jagged elbowdropping random objects in the ring; I now mark for 2.0.
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