Greetings Grappling Groupies, it is I, Llakor, your Guardian of Useless Knowledge. This may be a bit late in the day, but it seems to me that there is a funeral that we forgot to have back in October. So if you would all dig out your black arm bands, I would like to read a eulogy to a dear, departed friend.
So join me, won't you, as once again we join the crew of CBS and listen to Uncle Walter intone those magical words, "You Are There" returning us to a time when men were men, and those men wore dresses... made of bed-sheets; a time when 210 was CCX; a time when instead of Graeco-Roman Wrestling, there was Romano-Greek Wrestling; a time when the cry on the streets was, "I told him, Julie, DON'T GO!"; a time in short... When We Were Marks.
When We Were Marks Marc Anthonys That Is
Friends, Wrestling Fans, Canadians, pass me a beer; I come to bury the IC belt, not to praise it. The stink from dud matches for this title still linger, Its' five star matches will soon be forgotten; So let it be with this belt. Eric Bischoff Has told you the IC belt was old school, If it were so, it was a worthless belt, And if it has no worth, let it be buried. Here, under leave of Bischoff and the rest, - For Bischoff is Vince McMahon's stooge; So are they all, all Vince McMahon's stooges,- Come I to speak for the IC belt's burial. It was my favourite belt, precious and dear to me: But Bischoff says it was an old school belt; And Bischoff is a knowledgeable man. It brought us ring bells and ladders and blood, Whose five star matches made the crowds cheer; Did in this the Inter-Continental Belt seem old school? When Ricky's throat was crushed, everywhere fans wept; Old School should be made of sterner stuff: Yet Bischoff says the IC belt was old school; And Bischoff is a booker with a plan. You all did see that in Wembley Stadium, The British Bulldog pinned Bret to the mat, When the crowd counted three: Was this old school? Yet Bischoff says the IC belt was old school; And, sure, he is a Californian with a tan. I speak not to disprove what Bischoff spoke, But here I am to speak what I do know. You all did love this belt once, not without cause: What cause prevents you from mourning for it? O mat wrestling! thou art fled from RAW, And the fans have lost their devotion. Bear with me; My heart is in the coffin there with the IC belt, And I must pause till it comes back to me.
But yesterday, the champion of the IC title might Have fought the champion of the world, now the belt lies here, And all its champions have been forgotten. Did not Patera and Patterson war through the Garden for it? What battles Morales and Muraco did wage over it! But I would do Bischoff wrong, and Vince wrong, And, after all they are geniuses, these men. I will not argue with them, I rather choose To remember champions who fought for me and you. I have here a list of those who held this belt. I found it in the 2002 Wrestling Almanac. Let but the fans hear this champion's list- Which, pardon me, I do not mean to read- And they would go and kiss this Inter-Continental Belt And rub their napkins in its sacred glow. They would even break a piece off of the belt, And, dying, mention it within their wills, Bequeathing it as a rich legacy To their sons and daughters.
Have patience, gentle readers, I must not read it: This list of champions would enrage you. You are not smarks, you are not smarts, but fans; And being fans, hearing the champions of the IC belt, It will inflame you, it will make you mad. It's good that you have forgotten these men; For if you should remember Santana or Valentine Could you ever watch RAW again and be content? Will you be patient? Will you stay awhile? I was too hasty to tell you of this list. I fear I wrong Bischoff and Vince McMahon Who chose to bury this belt. I do fear it. You will compel me then to read the list? Then make a ring about the Inter-Continental Belt And let me show you the men who wore this belt. I have listed Patterson and Patera, Muraco and Morales I have told you of Tito and the man called the Hammer.
Shall I continue? and will you give me leave? If you have tears, prepare to shed them now. You all do know this ringbell. I remember When Savage brought it down on the throat of Ricky And the match they fought at Wrestlemania Three Look! The Greatest IC champion of all, just ask him Finally a great Warrior vanquished this Honky Tonk Man See what a feud he had with Ravishing Rick Rude But no champion was as Perfect as Curt Hennig Mark his battles with a Tornado and a pink assassin Through this belt the well-beloved Bret was elevated, and as he fought a Mountie, a Piper and a Bulldog Mark how his stardom followed it. Also elevated by this belt was Shawn Michaels, HBK Not so lucky his partner, his enemy, Marty Janetty A better match was to be had with a member of the Clique As HBK and Razor Ramon with ladders did contend Judge, O you fans! How dearly we loved that match Some still call it the greatest match of them all. Diesel held this belt, as did J-A-Double R-E-Double T Mind Games did Golddust play until Ahmed made him pay It was first for this belt that Rock and Triple H did war Over this belt did Owen and Austin even the score
O! Now you weep, and I perceive you feel The dint of pity; these are gracious drops. Kind souls; what! weep when you but behold Half of the list? We have not mentioned Mero Nor Shamrock. Have passed by Venis and Road Dogg. Have you forgotten the Godfathers and his hos? Or the man who kept it on the down low? Did I neglect Edge's first one day reign? Or Chyna, the champion who was also a woman? Good friends, sweet friends, let me not stir you up. To such a sudden flood of mutiny I have not even reminded you of the blessed Three: The Golden Angle, the Wolverine and Y2J and their match at WrestleMania in Anaheim, CA I come not, friends, to steal away your hearts; I am no sports entertainer as Bischoff is, But, as you know me well, an old school fan That loves this old school belt, but damn For I have neither wit nor words nor worth, Action, nor utterance, nor the power of speech To stir men's blood. I only speak right on; I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. My lips tremble as I near the end of the list. Latino Heat dedicated the belt to Art Barr Until Billy took it in his failed bid to be a star From Jeff Hardy to Kane to the hairy A-Train The fortunes of this belt fell again and again
Why, fans, you know who brought this belt back It was a group of Canadians picked up the slack From Calgary, Alberta, Canada came Lance Storm For the rest of the year it was Christian and Test But it was Edge who always came out the best. Our next to last hero is a Real Man's Man But is his first name Steven or is it William? The last name on our list is no one's fool Because when you're RVD, everything's cool. My list is now done; my tongue falls dumb How great was this old school Belt? It swallowed up Europe, eclipsed the US, It was too hardcore even for the hardcore strap. But Bischoff says that it is an old school title And Bischoff does not give a damn For this old school fan And his five star memories of IC gold.
Here was a Belt! When comes such another?
Llakor, That Lousy Canuck (With apologies to the Bard) Former [/Slash] Contributour
(edited by Llakor on 27.3.03 0053) "Don't Blame CANADA, Blame Yourselves!"
FMW submitted a guest column to me for your perusal. Let (him / me) know what you think. Remember When... Edition 1: Cornette The Coward The wonders of being Stir Crazy. Here I am, head cold and all, with nothing to do.