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22.11.14 1108
The W - Random - What do you do when you totally lost your self-confidence?
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UnsUwe
Chourico








Since: 6.7.02
From: Germany

Since last post: 594 days
Last activity: 237 days
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#1 Posted on | Instant Rating: 2.00
Where to put this question? I hope I picked the right forum. I am also drunk, because I guess in a sober state I would not dare to post this.

A little background on me: yet three years ago I was feeling really confident. I finished my study at evening class with a really good grade, and my wife found a job in the Frankfurt area in Germany, so I was looking for something there as well. Considering that I had a pretty good momentum going, I was looking for a start in the lower management field, or at least something a little better than your regular 9-to-5 office job. Well, in the end I took a regular 9-to-5 office job, but at a really good company with good working conditions. When I was asked at the job interview where I see myself in 5 years, my answer was "well, I don't have any particular view, but when my boss sees me doing my job well, maybe he will see that I might be capable of more". That was three years ago. Today I couldn't be more unhappy, despite nothing being extraordinaliry bad. I just don't get along with my colleagues, and I feel like I am not concentrated enough, resulting in me making a lot of mistakes at work. And when others realize that, it makes me feel really unconfortable. Going to work right now is hell for me, this is haunting me in my dreams already.

And since my son was born 18 months ago, my home life ain't fun either. Sure, he is the cutest kid ever and so easy to deal with, but still I feel like this is all too much for me. And my wife always blames me for anything, even stuff I can't do shit about. Don't get me wrong, I love her and she loves me, but it's really hard to deal with it when you come home from work from a job you don't like, and getting blamed for everything. All of this resulted in me getting pissed at everything, and becoming more aggressive. And my self-confidence is rather non-existant. Yet a few years ago I was applying for a job as Key Account Manager, and right now I am glad when I get home from work and nobody told me that I made a mistake again.

So what can I do to get out of this downward spiral? Right now feeling pissed helps me a lot to get along, but I know it ain't RIGHT!!! And I want to change it, but how? Oh yeah, I have no friends at all, is this a wonder? So there's no one to help me. If anyone read so far (I doubt anyone did) and might feel a little related, maybe there's some advice for a guy like me. Any reply is appreciated. Thanks a lot!
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lotjx
Scrapple








Since: 5.9.08

Since last post: 1 day
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#2 Posted on | Instant Rating: 2.23
Take a vacation away from everyone not a night or a few hours. I mean a weekend. My wife and I find ourselves every three to four months where we are just sick of each other. We fight about the stupidest things, so I usually head back to see my folks to recharge my batteries or head up to my friend's house both of which are two to three hours away. I find that after the second night, I really miss her and she misses me. She has done the same too and she comes back re-energized too. The thing about marriage that no one tells you about is that, you will get on each other nerves. It doesn't matter if you have been married a month or five years, eventually things start to get boring and mundane. Then after the boredom comes restlessness.

I have been having problems of late even now my car is in the driveway, because all of the sudden its stalling out. Thanks to that our weekend to see our friends for a Halloween party in Philly has been canned. Thankfully, we have been going out each weekend for a month now that a weekend home is a good thing. Also good is the dealer says we are still covered, so I am not that pissed. Yet, if this was during our long period together, we would be at each other's throats. Thanks, to some time away, we are pretty relaxed.

Everyone of us has felt we could or should have done more with our lives. Hell, I thought I'd be dead or running some giant organization or a tenured prof. I am a mercenary prof, but I work in a warehouse where I am stuck doing the PR work for my company. It sucks, but not all of us are destined for greatness. I also now what it is like to have a job where everything you do turns to ash, my current job is like that. You just have to push on through or get a job where you know it inside and out. My last job, I knew the ins and outs maybe in hindsight I should have kept, but I needed the extra money for a new house. The economy sucks for everyone almost everywhere even so I would look into getting out of that place. You have hit a wall on this current job and maybe you are sub-consciously making mistakes, because you want out.

My last bit of advice to see if you can someone speak to once and awhile that you won't annoy the hell out of. Some people at good at listening, but wear thin after the third time around. Its easy to do maybe even look into a psychologist if you can afford it. Talking it out over a period of time with someone tends to help. I wish you the best in this dark time.
DrDirt
Banger








Since: 8.10.03
From: flyover country

Since last post: 30 days
Last activity: 1 day
#3 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.48
First: sober up and stay that way. Alcohol really doesn't help.

Second: self pity just feeds the beast. Sounds like your anger at yourself and your overall situation is being directed toward your wife, child, and marriage. Take a breath, many slow deep ones (really).

Third:not to sound cold but grow up and deal with all of it. Having a child changes you, your spouse, and your relationship. The responsibility and feeling of being trapped with a wife a child can lead to much of what you are saying. And the economic situation doesn't help. It will get better.

Fourth: lotjx had some good advice. Find someone, preferably a professional to talk to and help sort out these feelings.

Fifth: If things don't get better, make sure there isn't an organic cause for your feelings. Having a daughter with OCD, when mental problems are organic you may need medication. Hopefully not your case.

Finally: Being in my fifties, I experienced in some form a lot of what you speak to. Things normally get better but only if you don't ignore your problems. Don't shut out your spouse, family, or friends and don't stop talking.



Perception is reality
Peter The Hegemon
Lap cheong








Since: 11.2.03
From: Hackettstown, NJ

Since last post: 6 days
Last activity: 1 day
#4 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.03
Well, I'm not any great person to give major life advice, but you said any reply would be appreciated, so I'll add what I can.

I definitely agree with what Dr. Dirt said about not drinking. Alcohol and anger are not a good mix. You don't want to do something you'll regret.

Based on my brother's experience, you're coming into the point where you'll start to get more out of being a parent. He really didn't enjoy the first 18-24 months, when his child was wonderfully cute but a lot of work for little real interaction and connection. It's getting better for him and I think it will get better for you.

The only thing I can say about the self-confidence thing is that there probably is something you're really good at. Perhaps you can look at what works for you there and ask how it applies in other areas. Perhaps more importantly: you're assuming your co-workers are looking down on you for making mistakes, but they probably want you to succeed. If you know people think you're doing poorly, you probably have little to lose by approaching your boss or a colleague and saying that you know you haven't been performing as well as you would like lately, and you'd like their help to get better. Just a thought.

I hope things get better for you.
UnsUwe
Chourico








Since: 6.7.02
From: Germany

Since last post: 594 days
Last activity: 237 days
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#5 Posted on | Instant Rating: 2.00
That was a good read, thanks to all of you who replied.

lotjx, your open and honest reply meant a lot to me, and I can relate to many of your points. On one hand I feel that maybe a weekend just for myself would help me, but on the other hand I feel responsible for my family, and since my wife is also working 40 hours a week, I can not have her take care for our son all by herself. However, my company wants me to take all the vacation I have left for 2009 this year yet, so I will have some time for myself, which should allow me to get my head clear a little.

DrDirt: I guess you got that wrong, or maybe the way I wrote it allows for some misunderstandings, but I am neither an alcoholic, nor did I drink because I am unhappy right now. Only on Saturday I like to have a few cocktails, while not drinking anything the other 6 days a week. My anger is not directed towards my wife, it's vice versa. She knows it and I know it, and she only realizes that she went over the top a few days later, while I would wish for an apology right away. But that's just minor differences, everybody's gotta deal with that.

Peter The Hegemon, the story with your brother sounds familiar to me. The first few months I felt like the father-son-bondage for me was practically non-existant. But when he was like half a year old, it started to click, and now I enjoy every minute with him.
And yes, there's something I am really good at, or at least something I am really missing in my current job, and this is communication in english. I used to have a job where 80% of my telephone conversations were in english, and this made me feel great and it was really fun. As I said, I totally miss it, and this must be quite a reason for my general unhappiness, to have a job that does not really fill me out.

I guess it's just many things coming together right now. We are close to buying a house, and everybody knows about the economical situation, so it worries me a lot to spend a huge amount of money without knowing whether or not I am still employed by the time we can move in. This gives me some sleepless nights, and mixed with the bad feelings at work, and family problems (e.g. brother's divorce), it's easy for me to give myself reasons for self-pity. I know what to do to change it, but it's like I don't have the power to do so at the moment. Things will change for the better, I know that, without knowing when though.

Thanks again to all of you, simply talking about it helped me a lot, and I promise I will try to start the new week with a positive attitude and build up on that:-)
DrDirt
Banger








Since: 8.10.03
From: flyover country

Since last post: 30 days
Last activity: 1 day
#6 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.48
    Originally posted by UnsUwe
    DrDirt: I guess you got that wrong, or maybe the way I wrote it allows for some misunderstandings, but I am neither an alcoholic, nor did I drink because I am unhappy right now. Only on Saturday I like to have a few cocktails, while not drinking anything the other 6 days a week. My anger is not directed towards my wife, it's vice versa. She knows it and I know it, and she only realizes that she went over the top a few days later, while I would wish for an apology right away. But that's just minor differences, everybody's gotta deal with that.

    Thanks again to all of you, simply talking about it helped me a lot, and I promise I will try to start the new week with a positive attitude and build up on that:-)


I am not saying you are an alcoholic but in certain situations, we self medicate our problems with alcohol.

But remember, just because you only drink once a week at a predetermined time (or event) doesn't mean you don't have trouble with alcohol.

Finally, don't put undue pressure on yourself. Trying to have a positive attitude is a good thing but forcing yourself to feel how you don't can often put more pressure on you and make things worse. Deal with it, talk about it, and simply do your best. And get some help if you need it.

(edited by DrDirt on 26.10.09 0714)


Perception is reality
Guru Zim
SQL Dejection
Administrator








Since: 9.12.01
From: Bay City, OR

Since last post: 12 days
Last activity: 1 day
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#7 Posted on | Instant Rating: 9.22
UnsUwe -

Find an outlet where you succeed and enjoy what you are doing. For me, it is my local Kiwanis Club. This is a service organization that helps out local community programs, and especially children. The group of people I see once a week is positive, and they really appreciate what I bring to the table. Everyone there is there because they want to be, and you are focused on doing good - it is an overall positive experience.

Try to avoid places where people feel compelled to be there. Those are places where negativity is prevalent. Unfortunately, this can happen in places that should be helpfule (Support groups, churches, etc.) Don't focus on the what - focus on the result. If you are doing something that makes you feel like you are making a difference, it can help you get through the day even if you don't like your day job.




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Ignorance is bliss for you, hell for me.
El Nastio
Andouille








Since: 14.1.02
From: Ottawa Ontario, by way of Walkerton

Since last post: 12 days
Last activity: 21 hours
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#8 Posted on | Instant Rating: 4.42
You're not the first person to come here with this kind of "One Question", which is a testament to the community here. Click Here (The W) to see a similar thread with some good posts.


Speaking of good posts, a lot of good things have already been said. Guru just mentioned an outlit, which is a good place to start. Related to that, but still different, is community.

Find a community to call you own. Frodo didn't have to destroy the ring alone.....there's a reason why it was called the FELLOWSHIP of the Ring. A support structure of honest, solid people will be invaluable to you. EVERYONE needs fellowship, it's an essential part of living (regardless of your belief system). I can't stress that enough. If you have no fellowship your life will be MUCH harder and you'll struggle to pull yourself out of funks and the like. Embrace and cultivate, and persue fellowship when possible.

Alcohol is a natural depressent, which is another reason why the good DrDirt likely mentioned laying off the sauce. It's one of the reasons why people on anti-depressants are to stay off of Alcohol. We're not calling you an Alcoholic.....we're just saying be careful.

Your wife....she just gave birth. That changes everyone involved. But remember that Communication (IMHO) is the #2 Thing in a marriage. Talk things over with her before they blow up.





You know, I really don't know what to put here. Close your eyes and thank of something funny!
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