The night of August 9/10, 2003 will go down as perhaps the most bizarre in my short life…
Around 9:30pm, I got a call from my best friend asking me to join him and the usual gang at our local dive. This place is the PITS – and yet we continuously return, likely for the karaoke.
Anyway, I showed up around 10:30 to discover my buddy had hooked up. Nothing serious, more or less a one-night-stand, or the Saturday Night Woman. For WHATEVER reason – he was determined to do the same to me…
Now, you need to understand something about the way I date. I am UNBELIEVABLY picky. Not about looks – but about people in general. I literally have to KNOW the person for a good length of time before I think about crossing that line between friendship and anything else. I am not a one-night-stand type of guy.
So, naturally for his amusement he picks out a nasty looking 16-year-old slut.
I don’t say a word to her, but when I’m not around he’s letting her know I’m interested and asks for her phone number on my behalf. SHE GIVES IT TO HIM.
When the place closes, we head over to Tim Horton’s for the usual NEVER ENDING SITTING AROUND IN A PARKING LOT. Here’s where it gets interesting.
She starts to talk to me, informing her she knows I’m interested in her and she’s always been interested in me too since she first met me. My response: “Okay”. I am a man of few words.
I offer to buy her a coffee, which I guess she finds sweet or something. I was half on the fence of telling her to get lost, and the other half came from my friends who found this to be hilarious.
So I sat back on the stoop, chatting with my buddy Aaron and another friend, Crystal. I’ve known Crystal for about 10 years, as she’s the older sister of ANOTHER guy who was there – Ryan. The 16-year-old known as Britney I THINK (I have her phone number, I guess I could find out…) comes to talk… Aaron starts in with the bullshit about how I apparently make $40 an hour (HAH!) and have a penis the size of a python (Oooh, she’s in for a disappointment!). She keeps saying she doesn’t care, she’d never use someone. I’m sitting back LAUGHING MY ASS OFF, and she apparently still buys this as interest.
She wants to talk alone. I wander off.
She tells me that if Crystal doesn’t back right off from her man (I’m her man now, despite having uttered perhaps 15 words to her) – that she’ll stomp a mudhole… Yeah, 16-year-old batters 24-year-old. Film at 11:00. I TRY to change the subject, but no, it’s all Crystal. Crystal plays this up hollering “I LOVE YOU!” in the background.
She still hasn’t caught on she’s part of a big elaborate joke… I’m starting to wonder why I’m playing the punchline.
I offer to buy her ANOTHER coffee, and she wants to piss Crystal off by going in arm in arm. My god. I did it, to the hoots and hollers of my friends…
We go back outside, where I tell her I want to talk to my friends for a minute. I go over and relay the story of how she’s gonna kick Crystal’s ass or something, and next thing I know – Aaron, Ryan, and John (another friend from high school) are dragging my ass to the back of John’s truck! They throw Crystal in there too and start bouncing on the back to make it look like there’s some hot and heavy action going on…
Now, to REALLY sell it – I take off my Hartford Whalers jersey (I had another shirt on, so it was nothing), and she took off her top layer shirt. Those are promptly “stolen” (it was set up) from our friends as trophies… John then comes to the window and asks “Boxers or briefs?” I reply with “Boxers”. His next words were no surprise. “We want your pants.”
So, after making them SWEAR they wouldn’t wind up on the roof of Timmy Ho’s, I handed them out. Britney LOSES IT! She grabs my jersey ($120 – eep, give that back!) and throws it on her back.
The joke’s gone WAY too far…
I make Aaron and Ryan PLEAD for it back, but I think Ryan made it worse on purpose for his own amusement. There was plenty of grabbing at it and I winced in fear of tears. I was also afraid this woman who had fallen head over heels in about 15 minutes would go psychotic at losing her main squeeze to another woman – and burn it with a cigarette or something.
Nah, they knew how to really do damage.
The gay guy nobody likes RUBBED IT ON HIS BALLS.
She then kept storming over to the truck to confront me and tell me if I wanted the jersey I’d have to come and get it… I didn’t move, and locked the doors. She did get in through the trunk and eventually threw it at me and went to sulk with her friends.
Now, I wanted to go the fuck home. I’d had my fun, and the LAST thing I wanted was to have some screaming bitch coming at me with whatever. She was screaming “SLUT” over at Crystal. We laughed for awhile, figuring we’d sit it out in the backseat and go home when they were ready to go, which had to be no more than a few minutes, right?
No… Time passes. We sat back there, in the severe backseat humidity for nearly an hour waiting to go home. Britney continued her mad cow rage and unleashed her venom on anyone who would sit back and listen… I could hear her barking while I sat back wondering where things went wrong.
FINALLY everyone gets their act together and we get the hell out of there… And just now I get home.
I know the story doesn’t really have much of an ending or anything, but let me tell ya just the fact I’ve managed to go from being single, to part of a lovers quarrel, to pretending to get some in the back seat of a truck, to taking of my pants and giving them to a friend as a trophy, to nearly having my jersey destroyed…well, tonight’s one for the books.
I think it’s time to find a new dive… Somewhere where nobody knows your name.
Originally posted by DrewDewceSpeaking from the older "wiser" perspective. It only gets WEIRDER. Have fun!
And karaoke rules.
I'll drink to that!
And cfgb, 3 pieces of advice:
1) Do NOT mess around with minors. You're of legal age (ha, I peeked at your profile!), and assuming Canadian laws are the same as the US in this regard, you could be in BIG-ASS trouble. All she has to do is say something to the cops, and boom, you're under a cloud of statutory rape accusations. Never mix minors and alcohol. Be careful, bro.
2) Dry-clean that Whalers jersey.
3) You want dive-bar karaoke action? Come to Green Bay and look me up! I host it at a local dive on Thursday nights. Some of my indy wrestling pals that come regular-like to the shows have deemed it "Thrillsday Night Karaoke."
Star wipe, and...we're out. Thrillin' ain't easy. . . THE THRILL ACW-NWA Wisconsin Home Video Technical Director...& A2NWO 4 Life!
Originally posted by The Thrill1) Do NOT mess around with minors. You're of legal age (ha, I peeked at your profile!), and assuming Canadian laws are the same as the US in this regard, you could be in BIG-ASS trouble. All she has to do is say something to the cops, and boom, you're under a cloud of statutory rape accusations. Never mix minors and alcohol. Be careful, bro.
The booze is really the only problem I can see, as per this fine website, that I'm sure is bookmarked on Jerry Lawler's computer, the Age of Consent in Canada is 14.
Time to find a new dive!!! I know a couple places along Bank... but they're all gay and stuff, so you wouldn't like 'em. Hey!!! If you DO go there, I'm sure you could write even more funny stories about weird nights!!! Being picked up by a he/she would certainly make for an interesting story...
Though, I don't think much will top the bouncy car at the moment.
I initially felt and still do feel that Martha is being made into a pariah, but she is not completely innocent, plus when I heard about the details of her imprisonment, I felt significantly less bad for her.