More tightly canned than Popeyes spinach, it’s time for WCW Worldwide!
TONY SCHIAVONE and BOBBY HEENAN welcome us to Worldwide, but there is no time for this because we need to go straight to the ring.
HIGH VOLTAGE vs. THE PUBLIC ENEMY
Later tonight, we see the Steiner Brothers take on Harlem Heat. Perfect, I love fresh matchups. Rock blocks a tilt-a-whirl with an armdrag, holds Kaos captive and tags in Grunge. A clothesline gets 2. Rage tags in, and gets hiptossed. TPE double teams him, but Kaos gets involved now and a delayed backdrop leaves Rock writhing in pain. Kneedrop from Kaos sets up a butterfly suplex from Rage for 2. Vertical suplex gets 2. Rage hits a powerslam, setting up a top rope senton to beat Rock at his own game, but Rocco moves and makes the hot tag! Grunge cleans house, and a scoop slam on Rage sets up the Drive By for the win at 5:03. *1/2
HUGH MORRUS (with Jimmy Hart) vs. “HARD WORK” BOBBY WALKER
Walker is instantly distracted by the presence of RON THE LEPRECHAUN who is running around the ring gnashing his teeth, and Hugh flattens his opponent with a springboard clothesline – picking Walker up at 2. Never a good idea, Huge Erection. Spinning heel kick gets 2, but again only because Morrus opts not to take the pin. Scoop slam mercifully sets up No Laughing Matter for the win at 2:05. DUD
“MEAN” GENE OKERLUND is with THE GIANT and JIMMY HART. Dang, I was hoping he turned up Sergeant Buddy Lee Parker of the State Patrol who has been missing for months. Giant calls Hogan a chameleon (new gimmick?), and then points out he can’t possibly be a big, stinky, nasty, wart infested giant if he has a card to the Playboy mansion and smells great. No, seriously, that just happened. PS: It’s Hogan who stinks. Strong words.
DISCO INFERNO (with Gold Record) vs. UNNAMED JOBBER
I think this is the first time we’ve seen Disco since his failed Cruiserweight title shot at Bash at the Beach. Allegedly, Casey Kasem told Heenan that Disco’s the hottest act in music today, and Dick Clark is going to re-start bandstand to have Disco on as the host. Disco wins with one of the saddest Stunners you’ll ever see at 3:07. I feel for the kid with the Backlund babyface, no muscle definition, and completely unworthy of a name. DUD
CHAVO GUERRERO JR. vs. BILLY KIDMAN
Chavo throws Kidman with a German release suplex. Pffft, I saw a man take 16 of those last night from Brock Lesnar. Chavo works a hammerlock in an effort to slow Kidman down. Heenan suggests that Chavo and Eddie team up, and form a great team together. I doubt that would ever work, don’t be crazy. Chavo misses a blind charge, and falls to the floor. Kidman rolls him back in, and hits a slingshot legdrop for 2. Belly to belly suplex gets 2! Kidman works an armbar, but Chavo wriggles loose. He hits Kidman with a running legdrop, but it only gets 2. Kidman comes back with a victory roll, but it gets 2. Chavo comes back right away with a cradle for 2. Kidman with a backslide, but another close 2. Tony starts selling it like we’re in the middle of a 30 minute legendary match, as Chavo finishes with an Oklahoma roll at 5:48. This was just ok, with no hint of what either guy was really capable of at all. **
LEX LUGER has been caught by “MEAN” GENE OKERLUND for an interview. Luger says WCW is #1 because of the work horses that have been there, and not these clowns with their shades that just strolled on in and think they can take over. Luger can’t wait until they have to wrestle by WCW’s rules, so they can show how “cool” they really are. You know who sounded decidedly uncool here? Lex Luger.
THE STEINER BROTHERS vs. HARLEM HEAT (with Colonel Robert Parker) (for the WCW world tag-team titles)
Tony comes clean that this was recorded before Hog Wild, which should give away the results of this one. Spoiler tags, Tony! Heenan: “The Steiners are no slouches, despite the fact I make fun of them because they’re stupid looking.” Tony calls for a commercial break, but swears we won’t miss anything.
Amazingly, Tony wasn’t lying – because the bell hasn’t even rung by the time we come back. What do we think happened during the 3 minute time out? Did they just stand there looking dumb? Did they have an arm wrestling match? Did the Colonel whip up a batch of fried chicken for the fans using his 13 secret herbs and spices? Scott Steiner launches Stevie with an overhead belly to belly for 2. Booker tags in and gets powerslammed by Rick. In comes Scott, who eats a Harlem sidekick. Scott comes right back with a pumphandle slam for 2. Stevie pulls on Scott’s giant mullet, and Booker stomps a mudhole. Stevie delivers a powerslam for 2. Stevie hits a sidewalk slam, and Booker follows with a second rope legdrop for 2. Booker goes to the well again, this time missing a diving headbutt. Both guys tag out, and Rick Steiner punches everything in sight. Stuff breaks down, and Rick hits Stevie with a bulldog, which draws in the Colonel for the DQ at 5:48, the exact same length as the last match. I could really, really do without seeing the Heat vs Steiners again for a very, very, very long time. *1/2
Next week: Maxx! Jimmy Powers! High Voltage! Nasty Boys! Faces of Fear! ALL THE BIGGEST NAMES!
Tony reminds us to order Fall Brawl. What’s booked? WHO KNOWS?
Seeing all these green big men stumble around comically while trying to put on a wrestling match make you appreciate guys like Test all the more. Sure, his acting was on par with Lita's, but he was pretty decent in the ring.