WCW Prime is on the air – and the big question on everyone’s mind is whether or not Johnny B Badd is still in the opening credits? YES HE IS! Is he gearing up for a return as the 4th man? STAY TUNED!
DUSTY RHODES and CHRIS CRUISE are our hosts – no, you can’t have Mike Tenay, because you are NOT entitled to enjoy this show. Dusty talks about the Moo Match, but I won’t spoil it for you because it’s just that big. Also, after last week’s ridiculous joke of a main event, I also don’t want to get your hopes up.
SCOTT NORTON vs. TODD MORTON
Todd was last seen in action on WCW Main Event last Sunday. What, I don’t recap Main Event? Well, thankfully the WWE is not too ashamed to share classic matches with us, and CRZ was kind enough to link to it in the Worldwide thread.
For those new to the recaps, yes, that is “Ron” Braun The Leprechaun – the Dungeon of Doom’s oversized midget cannibal. He is unlikely to be the nWo’s fourth man, unless he is a Dungeon of Doom spy not unlike the Zodiac Man. Don’t rule it out, Hulk Hogan is devious. In a hilarious spot, Norton turns to talk trash to the camera, and Morton dropkicks him which Norton doesn’t even feel – and without missing a beat he finishes his sentence. Then he goes back to the task of flattening Morton like Super Mario in a castle coming face to face with a Thwomp. Shoulderbreaker wins at 2:31. 1/2*
SGT. CRAIG PITTMAN (with Teddy Long) vs. THE GAMBLER
The Gambler is a moral man, who tries to avoid trickery whenever possible, relying on his mind. Pittman does not abide by this code, and attacks with Gambler’s back turned, behind the bell. Pittman throws karate chops to Gambler’s head – which is literally his moneymaker, but he’s resilient and kicks out. Fans chant USA which makes absolutely no sense here, while Gambler tries a German suplex. It hits, and he celebrates like he just raked a huge pot – but Pittman pops up because his head is cement and concussions don’t exist in 1996, and hits a belly to belly. A sad looking spear sets up Code Red, and the never ending Pittman G-level show push continues at4:43. DUD
BILLY KIDMAN vs. DEAN MALENKO
Kidman’s coming off a major win on last week’s Prime, over Psychosis because WCW is racist. He then dropped a match to Chavo on Worldwide, so it’s about time Kidman tell us who he is. Is he a hot up and coming young Cruiserweight, or a heroin addict with a bad (and public) case of the herpes? Kidman tries for a monkey flip, but Malenko easily lands on his feet, and hits a backdrop suplex. They battle in a wristlock position, which Kidman uses to go Old School into a springboard rana for 2. Malenko fires back with a double underhook powerbomb for 2. A brainbuster should scramble Kidman’s circuits, but he still manages to kick out. Malenko figures what the hell, and goes to the fallaway slam, which sets up a guillotine into the bottom rope. Backbreaker is held in place for a little something extra, and once released we move to a leg grapevine. Kidman finally can’t stands no more, and Kidman hits a top rope crossbody for 2. Malenko tries to scoot back to his feet, but he takes a dropkick to the back of the head, and a springboard bulldog gets 2! Kidman climbs to Malenko’s shoulders, and gets slammed with ease. A gorilla press is used to hit a massive gutbuster, and a fireman’s carry into a crucifix gets the pin at 6:07. Looks like it’s a life of debauchery and petty crime for you, Kidman. ***
KURASAWA vs. KONAN (with Mexican Heavyweight title)
When Dusty says Kurasawa it comes out sounding like he’s an Arabic superstar named Chris Allah. The other Chris, Cruise swoons over the fact that Konan is the only man in history to hold both the US and Mexican titles at the same time. Of course, Cruise is NOT disclosing the fact that Konan is the ONLY man to have ever held the Mexican title, and this is as legitimate as the Million Dollar belt, but facts are facts I suppose. Kurasawa hits an overhead belly to belly for 2, before turning his attention to clawing Konan’s eyes out like he’s manhandling a bowling ball. That’s fair. Konan is still smarting from Woman’s shoe at Bash at the Beach, which makes this probably the most relevant edition of Prime that’s ever aired. Where’s the year old matches that I used to know? Kurasawa misses a top rope senton, and that turns the tide for crappy Konan, who wins with what Cruise calls the “Mexican Pretzel” at4:33. 1/2*
“HACKSAW” JIM DUGGAN vs. BUDDY VALENTINE
Two straight weeks for the lovechild of Ric Flair and Dusty Rhodes! They did a little more than wrestle in the old days, if you catch my drift.
Duggan asks for silence, so he can scream “USA” at the top his lungs. Again, what are you railing against Hacksaw? The only thing I see in the ring is the picture of Type 2 Diabetes, which the last time I checked was basically the modern day Tramp Stamp of American culture. A clothesline wins for Duggan at 1:59. Post-match, Valentine angrily throws a cheap shot, so Duggan whips out a roll of tape and clocks him with his rock hard fists. DUD
THE NASTY BOYS vs. STING and LEX LUGER (in the Moo Match Prime Cut Match of the Week)
Ok, this was taped in what appears to be February because there’s still blonde in Sting’s hair. A lot of fans these days are clamouring for a proper tag-team division within the WWE, but I really could have done WITHOUT one in WCW because I am sick to DEATH of the Nastys, Harlem Heat, American Males, Road Warriors, and ESPECIALLY Public Enemy. Unless we’re prepared to run the circuit with the Steiners, the Faces of Fear, and Men At Work V1.0, I’m done with tag-team wrestling. Saggs hits Luger with a powerslam, and he’s only saved by Sting who flies off the top. They trade off, and Sting dropkicks both Nastys to the floor, where they skulk around trying to regroup. Cruise describes Sting and Luger as “so better” in contrast to the Nastys. I bet they “make thanks” for the compliment. Saggs gives Sting a shoulderbreaker, and follows with a legdrop. Knobbs hits the big splash, but Sting kicks out at 2. Sting fires back with a Stinger Splash on Saggs, and goes to finish with the Deathlock but Knobbs saves. Luger’s in now, and everyone breaks down. That draws in the PUBLIC ENEMY for the stupid DQ at 5:11. Because lord knows we have to protect the NASTYS from doing a job. Luger and Sting are declared the winners for reasons that are not explained, and we jump to break before anything is resolved. *1/2
The announcers talk about the bad blood between these three teams. Errrr, do you guys WATCH any of the other programming? We don’t have time for these silly questions, because that’s a wrap – and that’s all I’ve got til WCW Saturday Night. It’s a full 2-hour edition this week, which means Mean Gene might have to do a wardrobe change! Don’t miss it.
In regards to the treadmill guy, I think I was just redirecting my rage for the people at the gym who wander up to a machine with 32 towels, drop all their shit off, get the treadmill going and the meander away for like 20 minutes. Stupid gym. Phil