You can talk all day about your Wrestlemania, and your Rock, and your Undertaker. Please kids; those who know, watch WCW Prime.
DUSTY RHODES is all alone! We be talkin’ Uncensored! The Loooooger Sichiation! Plus tonight, Mawcus Alexandah Bagwell! CHRIS CRUISE wanders onto the set dressed like a rabbit.
That’s all I have to say about that.
SCOTT NORTON vs. BILL PAYNE
I was starting to worry Ice Train had killed our good friend Scott Norton. Back on February 24, the pair forged an unlikely alliance, and Norton hasn’t been seen since. However, here he is, angrier than ever, and a shoulderbreaker is all she wrote at 1:05. DUD
KURASAWA vs. BUDDY VALENTINE
Buddy Valentine has quickly become my third favorite jobber, after the second place State Patrol, and obviously The Gambler. Kurasawa struggles to get the mountainous midget on his shoulders, but gets it done and slams him. Cruise shares his intense excitement that both Kurasawa AND Craig Pittman are here, at the same time, while BOTH being masters of the arm breaker. It’s like the Kennedy / Lincoln affair all over again. Suddenly, the walking Manboob dropkicks Kurasawa! Then he bounces off the ropes and ... nothing happens. He just stands there. This is uncanny. This is incredible. THIS ... is WCW! Kurasawa Crush finishes at 3:18. -**
And now, a very special look at US Champion Konan. Clips are shown from his, what, 3 matches since his debut? Including #1 contender Devon Storm. The hype video is basically “so, this is Konan”. Which is just about right.
THE ROAD WARRIORS threaten to beat up everyone in Europe. Oh.
MARK STARR vs. SGT CRAIG PITTMAN (with Teddy Long)
This is a rare case where I feel the white guy is getting a raw deal, as opposed to, say, every Shelton Benjamin match from 2004-2010. Starr hits a German suplex which Pittman immediately no-sells by shaking his neck to show us how allegedly strong and not in need of Dr. Jho treatments he is. He hits an overhead belly to belly; but now CHRIS KANYON wanders down with his hammer. He tries like hell to loosen the buckle, but can’t, and Starr comes to help. During the distraction he’s schoolboyed for the Pittman win at 3:57. 1/2*
THE BARRIO BROTHERS vs. MIKE WINNER and RIC GARCIA
In the jobber hierarchy, there are tiers of jobbers. See, there’s jobbers, and then there’s jobbers of the jobbers. And then there’s jobbers to the stars. So, if for example, Men at Work faced the Barrio Brothers, they win every time, because they’re on the bottom of the low tier of tag-teams. The Barrio Brothers may never win, unless they’re facing nameless regulars. Got it? These rules apply for The State Patrol, Disorderly Conduct, The Armstrongs, and Mick Foley. After a bunch of boring, Ric Garcia gets a hot tag, and all snore breaks loose. Garcia plants a dropkick on Ricky, and rolls up Fidel with the referee distracted. A Ricky bulldog finishes at 4:21. DUD
We get a WCW Motorsports Update. Here’s the important stuff you’ll care about -
Meanwhile, THE BLUE BLOODS are drinking tea. Regal complains about the useless Jeeves, but wants to hype up British Champion Dave Taylor, his own accolades having held every title in Europe, and Robert Eaton’s incredible European Soccer background. “English, we’re better than you. God save the queen.”
BIG BUBBER vs. STEVE ARMSTRONG
Bubba hasn’t won any big matches in awhile, and while I’d hardly call Armstrong big game, he’s clearly got some aggression to take out. A pancake slam leaves Armstrong dazed, and gives Bubba ample time to talk trash against Jim Duggan. Armstrong tries to come back but winds up getting a boot to the mouth. Dusty starts telling an anecdote about the time Bob Dylan wrote a song about him, but before we can find out which the Bossman Slam gets the win at 3:36, drawing one fans’ serious ire. *
MARCUS BAGWELL vs. RIC FLAIR (with Jimmy Hart) (in the Moo Match of the Week)
These guys have actually been paired on a lot of different occasions throughout the years, but they were never able to find a rhythm. And considering I can’t remember Bagwell ever having a good to great match in his career, it’s a little difficult to rest the blame on Naitch’s shoulders. Flair chops away, but Bagwell backdrops and dropkicks Flair until he takes a powder. Flair shakes it off, and re-enters the ring peacefully ... only to poke Bagwell in the eyes. Flair tries a figure four, but gets cradled for 2. Bagwell goes for a crossbody, but Flair ducks and Bagwell hits the outside. Jimmy Hart tap-dances on Bagwell’s face while Flair talks the opening of the baseball season with the referee. Back in, Flair misses a kneedrop, and heads up to try something else. He’s caught, of course, and Bagwell follows with a lariat. Flair is placed up top, and Bagwell hits the superplex for a really close count. Slingshot splash is blocked with the knees, and Hart talks Flair to his feet. Figure four is hooked, Flair grabs the ropes, and we have a winner at 6:00. *1/2
Dusty’s talking next week, but there IS no Prime next week cuz we’re pre-empted. Saturday Night, and then nada for a week.
Point me to the person who willingly picks #30, so I can kick their ass. My strategy: Go for either #1 or #2, cause there won't be many people in the ring at the beginning, so their odds of getting elimination points go up.