I’ve got time! Time for Nitro! You’d better have time for Nitro!
We are coming to you LIVE AS LIVE CAN BE! Wrestling you’ve never seen on this planet before says MONGO MCMICHAEL! Also welcome ERIC BISCHOFF, BOBBY HEENAN and the ferret PEPE.
THIS PAST WEEKEND: Ric Flair begs Sting to be his tag-team partner against Brian Pillman and Arn Anderson… Sting: “If you swerve me, if you swerve me in the slightest little bit somewhere down the line – Halloween Havoc for starters, I’m gonna leave you for dead. Dead, dead, dead.”
DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE (with Diamond Doll) vs. JOHNNY B BADD (for the WCW television title)
LET’S GO BACK TO A PREVIOUS SHOW: See, DDP managed to avoid facing Johnny a few weekends back when Badd had car trouble. Upon arriving, he was discussing his “flat tire” when DDP offered condolences for the “four flat tires”. Badd’s response? “Four flat tires? I only mentioned one…” WHAM! Tootie Frootie all the way.
While Johnny’s throwing Frisbees to the crowd, Page LEVELS Badd from behind with the TV belt, knocking him clean out. Page grabs the Badd Blaster, rubs it near his crotch and fires! Cover, Page makes his own count, 1, 2, 3 – but it doesn’t matter, the referee has decided Page is disqualified. (match never started) Page poses with his title belt.
This portion of WCW is brought to you by 1-800-COLLECT. Call somebody who cares!
It’s the horror of Halloween (Havoc). Monster trucks and World Title matches collide! Will the trucks outwork Hogan? For $19.95 you can find out!
EDDIE GUERRERO vs. CHRIS BENOIT
They lockup and quickly break. Hiptoss from Benoit, but Guerrero comes right back and runs him over with a shoulderblock. Reverse hammerlock slam gets 2 for Eddie. Benoit comes back with a rana – so Eddie, not to get shown up hits his own! Benoit goes outside, and Eddie follows him…by coming off the top rope with a plancha. Back in, they simply dump eachother back out again. Eddie throws Benoit face first into the post and is RIGHT there with a clothesline to the back of Benoit head, but simultaneously hits the post and knocks himself down. They head back in where Benoit hits a backdrop suplex and a dropkick to ground Eddie. Benoit starts in with overhead hammerlock suplexes! Back elbow to the face drops Eddie once again – but can’t follow through with a backbreaker, winding up armdragged and hit with a tornado DDT! It gets 2 before Benoit drapes a foot over the bottom rope. Clothesline from Benoit drops Eddie – but another hammerlock suplex fails with Guerrero turning in midair and falls onto Benoit for 2. Benoit stands and chops away! Big headbutt and a scoop slam are spot on. Hiptoss is held, and a Benoit works a wristlock on the mat. Eddie fights to his feet – bounces to the top with Benoit still holding on and comes off with a rana for 2! Backdrop suplex plants Benoit headfirst and it’s followed with a brainbuster! Mongo: “If you’re not a WCW fan after this you’re dumber than dirt.” Guerrero goes up, tries a Froggie Splash – but it’s BLOCKED by Benoit’s knees at the last second! JESUS that’s a NASTY powerbomb! Benoit folds him up like an accordion, covers, 1, 2, GUERRERO KICKS OUT! Benoit tries another one of his sweet ass powerbombs (why the FUCK isn’t he using those today???) – but Guerrero rolls off the back, so Benoit hits a Tiger suplex for the pinfall instead!!! (8:38) **** Next time give them another 10 minutes! Those guys could *go* back in the day!
Bischoff mentions that the International Board Of Directors or something is considering a Cruiserweight Division. Yep, I bet that would work. Bischoff mentions something scary is coming and then hands it off to…
MEAN GENE is shilling. AHHHHHH, Bischoff was right, for the love of god make it stop! Gene says one of the top officials from the WWF is history (sorry, have no idea) – and one of their superstars got into a fight in a parking lot and wound up on the short end (that’d be Syracuse and Shawn I imagine…) plus more by calling 1-900-909-9900. Kids, get your parents permission. Teens, don’t bother, you’re not going to listen anyway.
THE GIANT and KEVIN SULLIVAN join Gene. Gene starts pointing fingers about pot stirring. Sullivan declares just how evil he is. Subtle character isn’t he? I want to take ACTING LESSONS from big Kev! He says Hogan has an evil side, and it was proved when Hogan came out dressed in black. Sullivan says he’s known he was evil since he was born – but Hogan was born good, and they’re trying to take that away. We once again watch Hogan lose his moustache. Yep – there it goes. You know, if they REALLY wanted to piss Hogan off, they COULD have him regrow it every week and then just shave it right back off. Giant says as soon as he gets Hogan on the roof top in a monster truck he’s going to shove him right off the roof. Please do. Giant puts his hand over Gene’s face just to show how big he is. Gene does not threaten a lawsuit.
I am a Coke man. Have been for years. That said, Vanilla Pepsi is world’s better than Vanilla Coke.
Bischoff ORDERS you to call your cable company and DEMAND Halloween Havoc 1995. Do it! Today! That’d be an interesting discussion – trying to get an 8 year old pay-per-view.
Promotional consideration paid for by Crossfire, Big A, and Hot Pockets (WHADDA YA GONNA PICK?) – try Lean Pockets too!
This week on WCW Saturday Night – Jim Duggan takes on VK Wallstreet, Alex Wright and Disco Inferno collide, Randy Savage faces the bizarre newcomer Hugh Morrus, and Hulk Hogan will be there.
DISCO INFERNO makes his way out, unscheduled as usual. His music is quickly interrupted by the exciting whistles of Meng’s theme, which means…
MENG vs. JIM DUGGAN
Was there something in these guys contracts that insisted they fight every two months on Nitro between 1995 and 1998? The awesome power of Meng kicks the shit out of Duggan to start – and a rake of the eyes stops his short comeback. Meng says “HOOO WAH!” I know how you’re feeling big guy. Blind charge misses – but Meng is not phased by hitting the turnbuckle! He tries an elbowdrop but that also misses, so he goes back to what works which is kicking and punching Duggan. Sadly, Meng gets too overzealous again and misses a flying crossbody from the middle turnbuckle. Stick to the basics dude. Duggan screams about ho’s, and beats up Meng. Scoop slam on the beast fails as Meng comes right back with a superkick and applies a variation of the Tongan Death Grip! That’ll do it. (1:55) *1/4 That was pretty damn energetic for a squash. Post match, Meng turns to the camera and says “oh maaa hoooo la wah” and quite frankly – it’s hard to disagree.
HULK HOGAN cuts a strange heel style promo with JIMMY HART. He’s still wearing the stupid neckbrace, and the black outfit. Hogan says he’s evil (oh god) – and promises the dark Hulk Hogan is here to protect the training, the prayers, and the vitamins. Hart clutches the belt like a newborn baby. Hogan talks about slamming Giant’s father in front of 94,000 people – and calls the Giant stinky. Hogan says the stage is set for the ultimate showdown. Hogan tells Hart to stay out of the war. Hart shakes the belt as though he were a British nanny. Whatcha gonna do, yadda yadda yadda.
Monster Truck Madness! Only at Halloween Havoc! Card subject to change, and we can only hope that changes in fact come.
Promotional consideration paid for by Beefy, Spicy Slim Jim – SNAP INTO IT!, Frank Thomas: Big Hurt Baseball, Slick 50 – when you need Bischoff to grease your gears but good, and Street Fighter: The Movie: The Video Game.
ARN ANDERSON and BRIAN PILLMAN vs. RIC FLAIR
Flair’s all alone – despite having promised Sting. Flair’s in a good mood and fired up regardless. HARD chop on Pillman actually causes RANDY ANDERSON to fall off the momentum. That – ladies and gentlemen – is a chop! WOOOOOOO! Flair hammers away, but winds up in the wrong part of town. No worries, he kicks the ass of Arn at the same time. How? Because he’s the Nature Boy – that’s how! Flair struts. Pillman gets back in and kicks at Flair’s midsection – then throws him to the floor. Anderson heads over, so Flair chops him down and then throws Pillman off the apron onto the guardrail throat first. Flair heads back in and struts more. Arn gets in while the fans chant for Sting. Fuck Sting – Flair’s clearly holding his own. Flair chops at Arn – so Arn hits a forearm shot to level Flair, tries to drop a knee, but Flair blocks, grabs, sweeps, and NOW WE GO TO SCHOOL! Figure four is on! Pillman dives off the top – Flair lets go and moves, and Flair hits no one! Now a figure four is applied on Pillman!!! Arn rakes Flair’s eyes and whips him into the corner for a Flair flip. He lands on his feet – chops Pillman off the apron, goes to the top and axehandles Arn! WOOOOOOOO! Flair comes off the ropes, but gets too close to Pillman who kicks him in the back of the head – allowing Anderson enough time to hit a spinebuster. That’s enough to draw out STING who wants a tag! Pillman’s in and backdrops Flair – teases Sting long enough for Sting to draw away the ref’s attention, and yanks Flair back to the heel corner. Arn and Pillman work over Flair in the corner – with Pillman chopping away. Another backdrop from Pillman hits, but he misses a dropkick which gives Ric a chance to crawl to the corner. He makes the tag and Sting shows us all how to REALLY clean house! He hits about 20 moves in 5 seconds on the Horsemen!! Each guy gets a couple Stinger Splashes for kicks! They try to regroup with double team tactics, so Sting changes his wrestling and simply runs them both down with clotheslines. Atomic drop for Arn – and that’s followed by a clothesline to the floor. Pillman sneaks up top, but Sting sees him and throws him on the top rope crotching him. Both guys are down on the floor – and Randy Anderson counts them out! (7:02) ***1/2 Sting and Flair whoop it up in the ring!
CompuServe and WCW pair together – and make plans to go bankrupt no later than 2001.
This portion of WCW is brought to you by Slim Jim.
Gymkata is coming up next on TNT. Mongo: “Or stay home and do some floor exercises or something…”
MEAN GENE has joined Sting and Flair in the ring. Sting says his reluctance to team with Ric Flair is out the door. He says he was watching backstage to ensure he wasn’t getting worked – and says Flair’s got a lot of guts and heart. Sting says he now knows that Flair’s walking it straight and narrow and is willing to shake the hand of Ric Flair. Flair wants a chant for the Stinger. Oh Sting, Sting, Sting… You’re such a tragic story.
Heenan is sick to death of these two – and hopes that Arn and Pillman beat the hell out of these two at Havoc.
NEXT WEEK: Sting and Lex Luger take on Harlem Heat, Benoit and Malenko makes their debut as a WCW tag-team against Alex Wright and Eddie Guerrero, and Hulk Hogan will likely be around to annoy us all…
Thanks for transcribing Cena's raps and identifying all the people you could at the party. I heard the guy in the bear costume was Mike Awesome in his last contractual appearance! And why wasn't Mark Henry there? BECAUSE HE'S JUMPING TO RAW!