...and just like the song goes, the answer is absolutely nothing. (Where are all the movie icons? Are we no longer do those week to week?)
Firstly, THE ONE was fucking great. Jet Li and Jason Statham carried what should have been a crappy straight to video b movie and made it into a classic (in my eyes.) that I can easily watch over and over again. You would think that pairing the two of them together again would be golden, but this time, it was the exact opposite.
Jason Statham plays a FBI agent named (oddly?) Jack Crawford... like from SILENCE OF THE LAMBS. (I wonder if the screenwriter did this on purpose or was he just retarded and have never seen the film or read the book.) Crawford's first partner Tom Lone, gets killed by a assassin named Rogue (played by Jet Li) and then he spends the next three years chasing the guy. Rogue finally pops back up and Crawford goes after him. Rogue is a crafty bastard. He's pitting two waring Asian mobs against each other, which is kinda cool to watch unravel. There's stolen, ancient Asian horses thrown in the mix and lots of killing and nasty fighting.
Clocking in at 103 minutes long, it really was going good. There were some interestingly shot fight sequences that made my body ache just watching them, the gun fights were entertaining, and the sword fight at the end was quick and brutal. Sadly, just as the sword fight was ending, the whole film fucked me in the ass. Yeah, I feel raped having sat there and listened to this shit. Here's the big 'Wot-a-twist' moment that kills the movie.
Rogue... turns out to be (GASP!) Crawford's murdered partner, Tom Lone! After Rogue killed Tom's wife and kid, Tom was able to overpower Rogue and kills him. Then, he goes and has plastic surgery to makes himself look like Rogue and takes the assassin's place... to get revenge for his family. We also find out that someone in the FBI was working for the Asian mafia, who gave Tom's address to Rogue, and that someone was (GASP!) his partner Jack Crawford!
FUCK WHAT? What the fuck was this shit all about? It was like when someone on PRESS YOU LUCK gets two Whammys in a row, and they say to themselves "The hell did I do to deserve a fucking Double Whammy when I was doing so well!" This was like getting kicked in the nuts just before getting laid. I think you get the idea just how bad this even worse then THE VILLAGE end run twist is... really fucking bad.
Right then and there, this movie fucking imploded on it's self and ass raped the entire audience. There wasn't even a huge fight, deserved of such a complete clusterfuck plot twist. We get less then two minutes of Jack Crawford blocking kicks and punches, only to take a bullet in the chest to SAVE his ex-partner. After just admitting that he'd set him up.
Fuck this shit, go see MR. BEAN'S HOLIDAY. Go see BOURNE ULTIMATUM again if you wanna see action. Fuck, go see DADDY DAY CAMP, even that shit gotta be better thought out then the horrible fucking mess this film turned into.
On a side note, How does Devon Aoki get acting rolls? She can't act. She can't even move her fucking face. She looked like she was (badly!) reading her lines off other actors foreheads, for fucks sake. ...and she looks like she's 12! She's couldn't even ask for a fucking salad right, it just sounded like she was making grunting noises at different octaves. Absolutely worthless use of a character.
Has a movie done a double turn double swerve before? I know Reindeer Games was booked like late '99 WCW and lots of movies have started doing the cheaty Russo swerves like Identity, but not counting Face/Off I've never seen the foundation-eroding double swerve.
Originally posted by Cerebusfucking crappy retarded bastard fucked me in the ass raped shit FUCK fuck shit hell fucking kicked in the nuts getting laid fucking fucking ass raped clusterfuck Fuck this shit Fuck fucking fucking fucks fucking
Also, what is UP with the editing of movies nowadays? I know there's MTV and stuff out there, but what's with the epiletic seizure shots? Remember when action movies would FOCUS on the action instead of changing shots every two seconds?
Hopefully there won't be a sequel, otherwise we'll be subject not only to Devon Aoki's shitty acting but also her shitty fighting.
Those who know what's best for us must rise and save us from ourselves.
Here's another movie we don't have an icon for! I can't believe CRZ isn't on top of the low-budget Canadian black comedies. But yeah. Fido. Saw it this weekend. Stars Carrie-Anne Moss, Tim Blake Nelson, Henry Czerny, and Billy Connoly.