OMFG! I am finally bizzack right here on this very message board! And first of all I hav to give big mad props to teh guy who had an "Eddy stole my virginity" sign on Smackdown a while ago! You made Hot Newz proud, dood! And the reason I havent updated latley is because the WWE has suxed so much lately that all my sources have stopped watching it and I havent been able to get any new newz! But luckily the guy who was JR's stunt double on RAW (he wasnt REALLY set on fire!) is teh father of my cousin's boyfriend (my counsin is a girl, not a gayosexual BTW) so I have some new Hot Newz from him pluz a interview with Vince McMahon himself!
Speaking of JR, because of his horribul burns he'll wear a full body mask on RAW! ANd he'll have to talk with a voicebox, like Kane used to, for realism for six months! And since he's now been thru what Kane has he'll start chokeslaming RVD every week for no reason, just like Kane did!!
Word in the locker room is that the reason Gail Kim is getting such a big push is because she's really really hott! And WWE officials are impressed by her continued dedicateon to being really really hott! But since Trish Stratus is really hott too they cant decide who to put over at SummerSlam! So they'll have a poll asking who is sexier, Gail or Trish, and whoever gets da most votes wins at Summerslam!!!
The reason why Theyodore Loong wasn't on Raw this week is because he's sick of working for a white man and quit! Good 4 u, Teddy! Rodney Mack will now be managed by the returning "Doctor of Style" Reverand Slick!
Torrie Wilson versus Dawn Marie in a paddle on a poll match is tentitively scheduled for WrestleMania XX!
Molly Holly is now the only Holly left in the WWE after teh brutal firing of Crash! and many Molly fanz on the net are worried taht she may be fizzired next, so they've set up a petition to send to JR asking not to fire her! But I'm not going to link to it because Molly is ugly and I hope the WWE fires her fat ass!
Now I want to be serious for a minute and break kayfabe to send a special shout out to my hott grrrlfriend Tiffany. Her great uncle Barry has just died and Tiffany and her whole family have had to fly to his funeral in Scotland (he lives in Scotland!) and stay there for six weeks. This really suxored for me, because I was planning to pop her cherry for teh first time. In fact it was right after I said I think we should take our relateonship to the next level that she told me about Barry dying and said she had to leave immidetaly! The wierd thing is I thought I saw her older sister in the mall a few dayz later, but I couldnt have because Tiffany said he whole family went! I dont know if they have the internet in Scotland, but if they do I hope she reads this and gets back soon so we can make the ocean move, baby!
Vengeance is this Sunday! And I managed to sneak a pizzeak at the booking sheet when I was on a guided tour of Titans Towers and here's everything I can remember!
The Worlds GAYEST (JK, lol, Greatest) Tag Team versus Rey Misterio and Billy Kidman
They have a grate fifteen minute match and right at the end Kidman hits the shootstarpress on the black guy but when the referee counts to two he just stands up then punches Rey! And then he sez "I'm sick of you holding me down!" and walks away and he's a heel now!
"The One" Billy Gunn versus Jamie No-balls (JK, lol, Noble)
Jamie wheels a bed down to the ring so that he can sleep wtih Torrie as soon as the match finishes! And Billy does his hiptoss brainbuster to try and impress the smart marks, but Jamie wins clean becaue he's a better worker! And then Jamie tells Torrie to "git" her ass in bed, but when he pulls the covers back Nidia jumps out of the bed! And Nidia hits Jamie with a gold bar (because they're rich now!) and then makes out with Billy and lets Billy slap her ass, but what does Torrie think of that!?
Bar Room Brawl
This takes place in an actual bar room! And Doink the Clown makes ballon animals to impress the Easter Bunny, but then Sean O'Haire claps his hands and the balloons burst and spiders come out and start eating Doink's face! And Sean says "The Spiders are my dark servants, mwahahaha" and then the Ultimate Dragon and Matt Hardy run in! And they're pissed that they got left off teh card so they start trying to have a technical wrestler match on the pool table! And Brian Kendrick tries to join in but Brad Shaw pulls him off and sez "your coming with me, pretty boy!" and drags him into the men's room and Brian screams "NOOOOOOOOO!" And then Rhyno tapes broken glass to his head (he used to be in ECDUB!) and chases Kanyon trying to gore him, but Kanyon runs out into the street to escpae. And Kanyon keeps running until Faarooq runs him down with a car and says "damn, it's just raining white people today!" even though that makes no sense and then he pins Kanyon and wins!
Stephanie McMan versus Sable
They pipe in the crowd chanting "Stephanie" as she makes her entracne like they do for Goldberg! And Steph spears Sable right out of her boots at the start the gives her a big breast splash! Then she starts scracthcing Sable and tears all her hair out and rips Sable's clothes off. And Marc Mero (he's back!) runs in to cover Sable with a towel, but Stephanie DDTs him and chokes Sable out with the towel, then grabs a pitcher of water from Tazz (Tazz: She must be thirsty, Cole!, Cole: Yeah, thirsty for REVENGE!) and smashes it over Sable's head and pins her! But Sable is out cold so the paradmedics put a gas mask on her but Steph is out of control and rips it off and hits Sable with the oxygen tank! So they bring down an ambulance for Sable, but Stephanie throws the driver out and sez "where to, BITCH?" and drives outside! Then she tries to shock Sable with those heart shocking things, but Sable's implants shield her from teh electriccity so Steph straps her down in the ambulance then gets a big 18 wheeler truck and drives it into the ambulance and it blows up! Then Steph says "now you'll NEVER hit anyone with a clipboard again!"
Vince McMahon versus Zackery Gowen
Vince is having his wicked way with Zach, but then STeph runs in and kicks Vince in the nuts 7 times, but then the police arrest her for murdering Sable. But then Zach puts a STEEL fake leg on and climbs to the tope and does a moonsault so that his steel leg hits Vince in the head and Zach wins!
Christ Benwah versus Eddie Guererro
Eddie drives another cool lowrider down to the ring and stops to polish all the windows before the match because he is RUDO~! And some nerdy guy with a hot blond girl holds up an "Eddie sux" sign, so Eddie punches him out then makes out with the hot blond and slips her his number! If making out with another guys girl doesn't get him heel heat nothing will! And they have a great tecknical match but Eddie cheats and hits Benoit with a cookie sheet but then Tajiri drives down in a monster truck and crushes Eddie's lowrider! Then he says "me clushy clushy you rowlider!" and Eddie starts crying and Benoit puts him in the crossface four da win!
The Undertaker vesus John Cena
Cena's rap before the match is as follows...
So now it's July, but it's Vengeance not Fully Loaded, My package is so big that my last pair of underwear exploded! Hey Taker, your brother set fire to JR, You're going to be extinct like a Woolly Mammoth in TAR! I ain't Yokozuna or Kamala or Jake The Snake, Paul Bearer and your mom called they said you were a huge mistake! You're the man from the darkside, well I'm from the WEST SIDE, I'm going to kick out of yo' tombstone, chokeslam and last ride! You suck the workrate out of matches like a Brit sucks down tea, You're not stiff because you're dead it's because you're sexually aroused by me!
And Cena works on Undertakers arm and Taker actually sells it which means he's giveing Cena the rub! But then Undertaker comes back and gives Cena the last ride from hell but then the FBI come in the Polumbo WHACKS Undertaker! And Cena wins but then he's like "DAWG that's whack, I didn't hire you!" and Nunzio sez "the DON did!" and Nathan Jones comes out in an Italian hat smoking a cigar and bodyslams Undertaker! Then Cena gives Tazz his crappy death valley driver and that's his next feud!
Brock Lesnar versus Kurt Angel versus Big Show
Angle and Lesnar work together against the big nasty Show for the whole match but then he double chokeslams them and goes up top! But Angle and Lesnar get up and give him a double superplex and the ring brakes again! And then ANgle and Lesnar stagger up in the wreckage and stagger over to each other and hug! And Angle says "you're my best friend, you can win" and Lesnar pins Show!
Kane burnt my other sign!
Eddie stole all my good sign ideas!
Yep, that's all the sign ideas, because it's now time for the interview you've all been waiting for with teh man who founded the WWF Mister Vincent Kirk McMahon!
Me: OMG it's Vince!
Vince: Good evening to you.
Me: I've interviewed a lot of top WWE superstars, and Brad Shaw, but I was most scared of interviewing you because I know you sometimes go crazy and start threateneing interviewers.
Vince: Well quite frankly, that's because a lot of the people who interview me are imbeciles. But if you are respectful and DON'T INTERRUPT ME PAL, then I think that quite frankly we should get along well.
Me: Okay! Let's start by talking about your troubled childhood.
Vince: Well quite frankly I think I had the most trouble childhood of anyone in the world, much more troubled that Ted Turner's, for example. We were very poor, in fact for a time our family lived in a cardboard box. My father was a very harsh and cruel man, he would work 23 hours each day, come home, set fire to our box then spend the remaing hour beating me with his shoes. But I think that treatement is what made me the man I am today.
Me: So is that why you had incest with Stephanie?
Vince: What!? WHAT!? How dare you! YOU MAKE ME SICK. PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE WHAT'S WRONG WITH OUR BUSINESS, I SHOULD SLAP YOU IN THE FACE, PAL!
Me: But you said you deflowered her!
Vince: That was just a storyline, damn it!
Vince: DON'T INTERRUPT ME! What did I tell you about interrupting me?
Me: Sorry. Finish what you were saying
Vince: Okay, I'm finished.
Vince: You know, technically, Stephanie's breasts aren't actually the fruits of my overactive loins, although I did pay for them...
Vince: What? Sorry, just thinking out loud. Next question.
Me: Is it really necessary for you to keep doing storylines where you're sleeping with sexy young women?
Vince: Yes, damn it! I'm a poweful man, of cousre sexy young big titted blond women are going to want to have sexy with me! Quite frankly, I don't think we do enough of those storylines. And yes, when Linda was in a coma, it was neceassary for me to really stick my tongue down Trish's throat in front of her and to put my hand up her skirt. Just for realism. We were acting!
Me: LOL, I would have done the same thing.
Vince: And yeah, I may have suggested that I'd give her a huge push and pay rise if she did sexual favours for me, but that was just a joke! And she turned me down anyway. Bitch.
Vince: Next question.
Me: Is it true that Triple H uses his relationship with Stephanie to avoid doing jobs?
Vince: Quite frankly, that's a big fat steaming pile of bullcrap! Okay, so HHH and Steph live with me and Linda in our palacial mansion, and yes, HHH is always giving me booking ideas over breakfast, lunch and dinner, but that doesn't influence me at all. The reason why Triple H hasn't lost his world title is because there's nobody good enough to replace him as the world champion.
Me: So HHH is superior to the rest?
Vince: If you want to put it like that, yes.
Me: So when he said "Booker's kind of people" dont deserve to be champion, he was right? Blacks are inferior to Triple H.
Vince: Yes, exactly. I MEAN NO! NO! STOP PUTTING WORDS INTO MY MOUTH, YOU HUCKSTER. When he said "your type of people" he meant former dub ya see dub ya stars, that's all! Nothing racial, damn it!
Me: So why did HHH say "dance for me, boy!"?
Vince: Err...he meant...because dub ya see dub ya used to have those Nitro girls who danced! That's all it was!
Me: What do you say to critics who would say that the WWE sucks now the ratings are down?
Vince: I don't listen to the critics at all. Those people are so negative. They are a cancer on this business. If they stopped thinking about things and QUESTIONING MY BRILLIANCE DAMN IT, they'd be able to enjoy our shows like normal people. Those critics must love really sad lives. I bet none of them of had sex with a beautiful woman, unlike me!
Me: So if you saw one of those critics walking down the street what would you say to them?
Vince: I wouldn't ackowlege their existance. Or maybe I would, actually. Maybe I'd put my finger to their chest and say "Now look here, pal, our show is as good as ever, damn it! I chew people like you up and spit you out for breakfast? Do you want a fight? Do you? No, of course not, you're just a stinking coward who hides behind words. I hope you DIE." Then I'd muss up their hair and walk away.
Me: That would show them! So why do you always push big men like Big Show and Albert even though everyone hates them.
Vince: Quite frankly, our research shows that our viewers WANT to see big men like Show and the big bad A-Train.
Me: What research?
Vince: Well, the only person's opinion I trush enough is my own. So I'll stand in front of the mirror and say "Self, which wrestlers would you like to see more of?" Then my mirror self will say "Big men like Big Show and that hairy Prince Albert!" You can't argue with findings like that.
Me: And now the biggest question of them all, why did you screw Bret, dood?
Vince: Well quite frankly I would suggest that Bret screwed Bret, quite frankly. He should have done the time honored tradition and put over Shaw right in the middle of that very ring. Okay, so he had reasonable creative control in his contract, but nobody uses that! Except HHH, but he's EARNED it. Bret earned nothing, I MADE him a star. Before I came along, he was wrasslin' in front of 15 people in steamy bingo halls in Antartica. And quite frankly I also had it on good authority that Bret was going to show up on Nitro with the belt the next night.
Me: Really? What good authority?
Vince: Well, I stood in front of the mirror and said "Self, do you think Bret will show up on Nitro with the belt tomorrow" and the mirror said...
Me: Okay, I get the idea.
Vince: DON'T YOU DARE INTERRUPT ME PAL, I'LL SLAP THOSE PAPERS OUT OF YOUR HAND AND THROW DOWN THIS MUG OF COFFEE, DAMN IT.
Vince: Okay, now I'm done.
Me: Finally, do you have any advice for Coach to improve his commentating mad skills?
Vince: As a matter of fact, quite frankly I do. He has to sounds more excited! Act like everything he sees is UNBELIEVABLE! And whenever someone goes for a pin he should say "One, two, three, it's over! It is over...no it's not over!" Quite frankly I would suggest that if he does that he'll be well on his way to replacing ugly old JR permanently.
Me: Thanx for your time!
(Vince got up and mussed up my hair. Interview over!)
I'll be bizzack at some point in the futare with another hizzot update as my skedule permits it doodz!
Another possible freestyle he could throw down tonight.
"Yo...yo, kill the beat. Hey Undertaker, dead man, you're the man from the dark side. Well I'm the man mad pride, veteran status with an up-side. You walk around all tall, and say you straight demand respect, but let me be direct: you're old and flaccid; I'm erect. This game's a marathon, you done already run the race, now you're matches gettin' ugly as your ugly bitch wife's face! You used to scare playas, you used to fill peeps up with fear, your ass won't last another year, you need to lay off nuts and beer. You wanna shut me up, well I say sorry man, you suck. I'm gonna mess your old ass up, cause man I just don't give a...."(crowd says fuck)
"Whatever I just posted above is what your mother said in bed last night."
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon. Need I say more?"
Yeah, my wife watches that show, and this segment of Satire *totally* made the column this week. I loved the "Frank is married" joke, too! Surprised you didn't go the Doug route and have him get all snotty with EB and Coach.