OMFG, Hot Newz bizzack in the hizzle fo shizzle, my nizzles! I've been gone for six months again leaving you all to read Rajah and Mr Tito Santana and I'm sorry because I know you all suck on my teat like little babies saying "please Mister Hizzott Newz, come back and give us more of your hot newz, wah wah wah!" Well EXCOOZE ME!!! I have a lot going on in my lizzife, I have a girlfriend who I need to attend to, if you smell what the Newz is saying, and anyway wrestling SUXORS to teh EXTERMORS now anyway! But I'm back anyway becuze I'm the greatest guy since Jizzesus, but I'll only stay if you buy me items from my Amazon wish list! I think I diserve it for putting up with the suckyness of the WWE for you losers!!!1
Anyway, while I've been gone that ecomaniac Triple Game has had his batchelor party and my sources tell me that every WWE superstar was FORCED to go by Vince and FORCED to say "I wish I was marrying Stephanie, she's very beautifull and not fat at all! and if they didn't they were fired! And my sources also told me that the person who bought HHH teh best wedding gift gets to feud with him for the world title next, but I think that was my sources just trying to be funny and cynical so I fired my sources because only I'm allowed to do taht!
The WWE's going to release a three disc Ric Flair DVD! But it will SUCK just like everything in wrestling SUCKS now and one of the disks will just be all about Flair's GAY feud with Vince McMahon and have all 17 of their matches together or however many they had. And the second disc will just be Evolution interviews where HHH buries everyone and flair just nods in the background! And the third disk will actually have WCW stuff...from like 1999 when Russo was booking and it'll show Flair jobbing to Kevin Nash and Disco Inferno and David Cox Arquette and getting thrown in a mental institution because the WWE sucks now and they dont know what there fans want!
RAW this week will have something homogay like Sergant Slaughter versus Rosie on it because the WWE booker's suck now and wrestling sucks now.
I bought that one cent NWA: Tits And Ass pay per view and it sucked all that there is to suck! Yeah, the X-ray Division guys can jump off a twenty foot cage and do 38 flips on the way down into an arm drag but they cant sell for shiznit! AND THERE WAS NO HOT WOMEN ON!
My review of the One Hour Ironman Match: It SUCKED just like everything in the WWE SUCKS these days! Why was Brock hitting Kurt with his forearms and feet? They should have taken it to the mat for the FULL HOUR and only done ONE FALL and that should have come in 24 minutes of overtime!
Randy Savage is a rapper now! and Ive managed to get my hizzands on the lyrics for his next song titled rough 'n' tumble!
Ooooooooooooh yeah! You ready dawgs? Then let's kick it. Time to DIG IT! My name's Randy Savage and I'm rapping a verse, I'll put Hogan in a hospital where he'll be treated by a doctor and a nurse! I'm the baddest cat in the U S of A, I beat Ted Debiase, Ric Flair and Andre! I'm rough 'n' tumble, I'm a Macho Man, I can do a flying elbow like nobody else can! Oh yeah! Comin' to get ya! You'll fear me if you've got any brains, Unlike that bastard Hogan my career's not going down no drains! God I hate him, I was a better worker than he was, I should have got a rematch like Luke in Star Wars! He's too scared to fight me because I'll break his nose, I'll kick his ass then strike a pose! DIE HOGAN DIE, I HOPE YOU DIE, I WANT YOU TO FRY AFTER YOU DIE! YOU'RE GOING TO HELL WHERE YOUR BURNT FLESH WILL SMELL! Oh yeah! Ooooooooooooooh yeah! Break it down! Hogan's a clown!
SIGN IDEAS FOR RAW
This shows sucks!
Everyone walk out before the Triple H match!
CHRISTOPHER REEVE COULD BOOK A BETTER SHOW THAN THIS!
I didnt buy last nite's pay per view because it sucked!
SIGN IDEAS FOR SMACKDOWN
Stephanie ATE my other sign! And she sucks!
ULTIMO DRAGON IS TOO GOOD FOR THIS CRAP!
Angle should be a heel and it SUCKS that he's not!
Torrie Wilson sucks...in that she's a really bad wrestler and shouldnt be wrestling on the show and taking away air time from Benoit, the useless sucky biatch!
Everyone but me is a dumb mark!
Unforgiven is this Sunday and it's going to suck! And I dont have the spoilers because I fired all my sources remember and anyway the results would suck so much that you'd probably all die of shock. So I've decided to fantasy book what SHOULD happen at Unforgiven but wont because Vince sucks!
Test versus Scott Steiner - First ever Stacy versus Gay Sex Match
Stacy turns on Steiner with a low blow because she realizes Test is a much better worker then Test hits the big boot for the win. Then Steiner closes his eyes beccause he knows what's coming but Test says "no, you won't be giving your services to me, you'll be giving them to...HIM!" then Mark Henry walks out licking his lips and carries a crying Steiner backstage!
Teh Dudley Boyz versus La Restiance - Tables match
The Dudleyz but Dupree on one table, then put another table on top of him and put Conway on it, then put ANOTHER table on top of Conway and put Groinair on it then put ANOTHER table on top of that then they put a ladder on the top turnbuckled and Buh Buh climbs up then does a senton from the top of the ladder through all four tables and all three Frenchies!
Lita and Trish Stratus versus Gail Kim and Molly Holly
Molly is wearing a low cut top and tight jeans to show her big hot ass and Gail is wearing a skimpy leather top and tiny leather hot pants. And Trish is wearing tight leather pants and just a bra and Lita is wearing baggy pants that hang WAY down so you can see her whole ass (she has a thong on of course) and she's always just wearing a bra on top. And Lita wins with a 450 splash on Molly but the REAL winners are the masturwanking fanz!
Good old JR and Jerry The King versus Coach and Al Snow
Terri Runnels and Josh Mathews do commentary! And JR is kicking ass but then suddenly The King remembers he's a heel and breaks his sceptre over JR's head! And then he says "It takes a King to a know a QUEEN, you gayass homo! I'm sick of carrying your ass!" and King and Coach and Snow are the new all heel commentary team for a few weeks, but then Cowboy Bill Watts returns to help JR because he's from teh south too, y'all!
Christian versus Rob Van Damn versus Christ Jericho
Theyre given 30 minutes to have a GRATE five star ***** match and Christian actually does more moves than just a chinlock and five versions of the choke for once! And RVD gets a well deserved win with a twisting frog splash on Christian and the fans give them a standing ovation and show how much they love great wrestling!
Shawn Michaels versus Randy Orton
They're having a great match when suddenly a mysterious (not Rey lol) man in a mask and an Evolution shirt runs in! And he and Ric Flair (whoo!) hold up a pane of glass and Randy Orton gives Shawn an Irish whip into it and it smashes! Then Randy gives Shawn a RKO into the shards and he does a MAJOR blade job and doesn't just use blood capsules like he did that one time and Orton wins and then the masked man takes his mask off and he is Marty Jannetty under the mask! And most of you fair weather fans dont even know who that is but he was Shawn's tag partner in a team called The Rockers in the earler eighties but Mart was actualy a better worker than Shawn but HBK used his politcal pull to hold him down for years but Marty says "now it's my time to shine, party on!" and hugs Flair and Orton!
Kane versus Shane McMahon - Last Man Standing match
Kane's wearing his mask again becauze he never should have lost it in the first place, IMHO! And Shane does lots of big flying moves and shit but Kane just keeps sitting up quickly like a zombie on speed so Shane climbs to the top of teh Entertainment Tron but uh oh Kane is climbing up after him! And Kane chokeslams him off to the ground 40 feet below, but Shane goes right through the floor! And then it shows Shane lying near death in the basement of the arena and a janitor is sweeping up and he looks at Shane and says "hmm, I thought I sweeped up all the GARBAGE!" and rips his false wig off (he's wearing a false wig!) and it's Bishcoff! And he does the ten count and declares Kane the winner then Linda McMahon runs in and bends over to check on Shane and Eric checks out her cleaverage!
Bill Goldberg versus Triple H - career versus crappy made up title
Goldberg just spears him as soon as the bell rings and then jackhammers him three times and gets teh win and then after the match he pulls a sledghammer out his tights and hits The Game with it! And then he grabz Tripel H by the leg and pulls and Hunter says "Oww, my groin AND my quad just tore!" and he gets carried away on a stretcher and hes out of action for six months at least while he marries STephanie and makes babies with her and films his crappy movies!
And then Goldberg is celebrating and then "Real American" suddenly plays and Hulk Hogan AND Mister America come driving out in KITT from Knight Rider! And then Vince McMahon comes out and says "Ho ho ho ho ho, wait just a damn minute here PAL, I fired your ass!" but Mister America punches him out with one punch and takes his mask off and he's Mister T!!!! And he says to Vince "you crazy damn foo', I was Mister America all along, sucka!" and Hogan isn't fired anymore! And then Hogan says to Goldberg "let me tell you something brotha, you don't just have the Hulkamaniacs to deal with now, you've got the entire eighties to deal with, brother! Let's rock and roll!" and then Cyndi Lauper and Captain Lou Albino come out and sing "Girls Just Want To Have Fun" and Hogan plays air guitar! But then Eric Bischof comes out and says "Hey! Stop this crap, the eighties were lame!" but then KITT runs him over and says "so is your hair, David!" and everyone laughs even Goldberg, but then Hogan smashes his air guitar over Goldberg's head and Goldberg sells it because he's a moron! But the WWE wont do any of that because they SUCK and dont have my creative genisus!
Now for this week's interview with Billy Kidman! Kidman is an okay wrestler but he SUCKS compared to all the other WWE crusierweights and they all SUCK compared to all the cruiserweights in Japan and Mexico probably!
Me: Hi Kidman!
Kidman: Hi, good to talk to you.
Me: Yeah, yeah. So when the fizzuck are you going to turn heel?
Kidman: What makes you think I'm going to turn heel, man?
Me: Don't try and kayfabe me! Everyone KNOWS you're going to turn on Rey Rey!
Me: Because you were in the crowd with two hott women about four months ago and someone said you'd be turning online! And even though you still havent come close to turning heel we all know it's going to happen!
Kidman: Kid, you shouldn't believe everything you read on the internet.
Me: Lol, before you called me "man" and now you called me "kid".
Me: Mankid! LOL!
Kidman: Like Mick Foley?
Me: No like you, dumbass!
Kidman: That's not my name.
Me: Who cares!
Kidman: Look, don't you have any questions about my wrestling?
Me: Not really! It's not like you've had any great matches I can ask you about.
Kidman: What? What about my matches with Rey against Shelton and Charlie, they were pretty great!
Me: LOL, only because the other three guys carried them!
Kidman: Stop saying "L O L".
Me: Laugh Out Loud!
Kidman: ...just laugh you moron!
Me: And how come you do that crappy "YOU CAN'T POWERBOMB KIDMAN!" move in every match?
Kidman: I don't do it in every match, dude.
Me: Yeah, becuase it sucks!
Kidman: So are you agreeing with me or not?
Me: And how come Paul London's shooting star press is so much better than yours?
Kidman: Is it now?
Me: Yep! I've never actually seen him wrestle, but someone said it was at Lords Of Pain!
Kidman: Right about now, I'm wishing that you'd try and powerbomb me...
Me: And how the H E double hockey sticks (hell!) did you manage to trick Torrie Wilson into marrying you?
Kidman: Torrie and I are very much in love.
Me: Yeah right! She probably cheats on you with The Undertaker, he's a real man! And why did you let her do Playboy? Every man who saw that is going to want a piece of her naked ass!
Kidman: I didn't "let" her do anything, she's a grown woman. Anyway, I don't think I have to worry about her cheating on me with the kind of guy who would buy Playboy...
Me: Yeah, that's true, the guy's who buy Playboy are losers! They should just wait and download the pics online for free!
Kidman: Well, quite.
Me: Anyway, next time you talk to Vince McMahon tell him how much his product sucks!
Kidman: Why are you so negative? Things could be better, but you're supposed to be a wrestling fan, can't you see the good in anything? I started off as a fan like you and now I'm in the WWE...
Me: Wait, you used to be a fan just like me!?
Kidman: Well, not just like you, I wasn't as negative.
Me: And now you're sleeping with Torrie Wilson?
Me: So you're saying that the trick to get women like Torrie into bed is to be a postive minded wrestling fan!?
Kidman got me thinking that maybe I am too negative, too much of a smarky smart smark! I've had a change of hart and will now look 4 teh postive things in wrestling! So that's why now I'm writing a list of 100 great things about the WWE and I hope any hot chicks reading enjoy it!
1) Triple H never jobs! This might seem like a bad thing to you negative nimrods but it's really a good thing! You see, every time HHH beats someone better than him like Booker or RVD or Maven, it just make us want to see him job even more! So when he finally DOES do a job it'll be the greatest feeling alive! It'll feel better than sex! Now I know none of you have actually had sex and dont know what that feels like, but I'm told it feels AT LEAST ten time better than a really good masturwank. And we all know how good TAHT feels! So try and imagine something which is even better than something which is ten times better than a really good masturwank. That's how good Triple H jobbing is going to feel!!!!!!!
2) Big Show in a suit!
3) Kurt Angle versus Bret Hart is tentitively scheduled for Wrestlemania XX!
4) The Rock is going to do an inteview on RAW hyping his new movie (which will be great!) How cool is that, getting to see a big movie star like The Rock on RAW!?!
5) Hardcore Holly is coming back soon! And he once said to Gangrel "Hey Dracula you fat bastard, how about you get on the scales? Nah, you suck the jelly out of donuts rather than sucking blood, you fat fuck!" so maybe he'll say something else cool when he comes back!
6) Kidman rules!
7) Tazz calls every chinlock a "rear naked choke" because he loves male naked rears! JK lol, Tazz rocks!
8) Coach is the hippest guy since Huggy Bear and can teach young fans how to be kewl!
9) "HELLO!? INTERCONTINETAL CHAMPION OVER HERE!"
10) Chris Benoit is the greatest wrestler to EVER live and we are privledged to be alive at a time when we can see him wrestle!
11) Eddie and Chavo Guererro promote a positive image of Latino people!
12) Kevin Nash's hair will be long again by the time he gets back, which is good because he had nice hair!
13) John Cena's got a rap album coming out! And it's been delayed because of one controversial line in the song Yo, Fo' Real: "Eminem, my computer got a virus because Windows sucks, damn Bill Gates! You're too dumb to use a computer, the only thing you caught lately is from Dre and it's AIDS!" I don't see the problem, unless Bill Gates is going to sue or something!
14) Steve Austin drinking beer and saying "what" still hasn't gotten old!
15) Shawn Michaels could convert youngster to the way of Christ, a good way to go IMHO!
16) Victoria's entrance video has two teenage girls kissing!
17) Brad Shaw!
18) X-Pac still hasnt come back and probably never will!
19) Sable is still DAMN hot and if you deny it you're a big filthy liar!
20) Trish Stratus is hot too!
21) Gail Kim is also hella hot!
22) Stacy Keibler is hot!
23) Victoria is hot!
24) Molly Holly is hot!
25) Torrie Wilson is hot!
26) Dawn Marie is hot!
27) Jackie Gaydar is hot!
28) Lita is hot but a bit skanky but mostly hot!
29) Jacqueline is somewhat hot!
30) Shaniqua is hot if you like girls who look like men!
31) Nidia is hot in a girl next door kind of way!
32) Stephanie used to be hot and still has big boobies at least!
33) Jesse from Tough Enough is hot!
34) Terri Runnels is hot for a 45 year old!
35) Ivory is hot in the same way!
36) Jazz is...a good wrestler!
Okay, that's all I can think of for now, doods, but I'm sure there's more than 74 more! So maybe you doodz could list them or send me your own list (like I care lol!) or whatever, just remember to think positive like DDP and I'll be bizzack soon with more exciting positive newz!!!!!!1
Originally posted by Hot Newz PLUS HOT NAKED NEAR NUDE PICS OF CANADIAN BULLDOG LICKING MAPLE SYRUP OFF TRISH STRATUS WHILE GAIL KIM AND MOLLY HOLLY WATCH READY TO ATTACK AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!
You said those pictures were PRIVATE!!!
DAMN YOU, DAMN YOU TO HELL, HOT NEWZ!!!
EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED Unforgotten PPV Preview!!! Did Triple HHH dump Stephoney? All this plus an EXCLUSIVE interview with Booker T (Jones) in the latest Inside The Ropes!!!
Another great column, Jeb. I live in Orlando and went to Hooters with my boy Neil cause I'm pretty sure it's the only place in Otown that shows ppv's plus I cant get ppv's at home (stupid collge apts).