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20.12.14 0356
The W - Pro Wrestling - Total Divas 1x12 "Get That Chingle Chingle"
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JustinShapiro
Scrapple
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Since: 12.12.01
From: Pittsburgh, PA

Since last post: 2 days
Last activity: 2 hours
#1 Posted on | Instant Rating: 8.97
AIN'T GONNA STOP ME NOW

Seriously, where the hell is JoJo.

This episode is named after an Ariane idiom that I had pegged for serious catchphrase potential from thewordgo.com, so I'm already excited.

Oh yikes. We find Ariane in the studio laying down some hot vocals. Her single "Her Single Is Dropping" is dropping, thereby completing the final step in her crystallization as the platonic ideal of a reality show cast member. The song is called "Bye Bye" (not "Boy Bye"?!?) and here is an excerpt of the lyrics, autotuned to 11 and buried in a maelstrom of synth:

♪♫♪
You know it's time to go
You know it's time to blow
A few things that you should know
I'm about my paper, baby

Bye bye, bye-bye-bye-bye
Bye bye, bye-bye-bye-bye

When I hit this dance flo
All your hands wanna give me some mo
I know you wanna touch me
♫♪♫

Ira Gershwin died in 1983. Finally, that hole in the American cultural consciousness has been filled.

What's curious is in the episode when JoJo recorded her cover of "Somebody Call My Mama (Funk Is On Roll)," Ariane declined to sing with her and Naomi because she self-admittedly can't sing. That should never stop anyone from having their own single.

Vinny is in the studio to state the obvious: the song sounds amazing. Ariane, Vincent, and the producer combine to say thebomb.com 5 times in 10 seconds.

This is important. Right there in the studio, to the confusion of all present, Ariane gives Vincent a flying headscissors and a hammerlock, making them the FOURTH couple on the show to play-wrestle and work spots with each other. That only leaves John Cena and Nicole!

Ariane decides, apropos of nothing, that Vincent should become a wrestler. Vincent is pretty skeptical, especially after he winds himself severely by chasing the dog for 20 feet. Nevertheless, the tryout is on, as is the Ariane-Bill DeMott reunion. Interestingly, Ariane gives Vincent an impromptu, word-perfect ring introduction off the top of her head, completely putting Eva Marie to shame.

Vinny's tryout seems more reminiscent of the Power Plant than the Beautiful New Performance Center. He labors through some rope running and bump rolling and blows up in four minutes. In fairness, his giant the-w must completely throw off his center of gravity. He gets a heart to heart from Bill. "Big" Andy Leavine does not hit the ring and lay him out with a big boot.

Vincent cries for letting her down, though he's probably too dehydrated and sodium-depleted to produce tears. Ariane comes to the realization that Vinny becoming a wrestler was one of her few bad ideas.

Would you like to see John Cena freshen up his character? Well, on this show he's working a new gimmick: OCD weirdo! He freaks out at his new legally-prohibited-to-acknowledge-her-as-more-than-a-houseguest over crumbs, dishes, and coasters. In an amazing moment, he does puppet work as two talking hampers instructing Nikki which one takes gym clothes and which one takes regular clothes.

Nikki is off-put once again by Cena's Patrick Bateman-esque existence. Cena retreats to get relationship advice from his personal trainer Rob MacIntyre OVER A GAME OF CHESS like he's fucking Magneto. John Cena contains multitudes. In a JJ Abramsian touch, this takes place in the very gym we recognize from Cena's arm rehabbing videos. My theory that Cena came back so early from the tricep tear because he was driven crazy by living with Nikki is looking pretty sound.

John realizes he was in the wrong and raises Nicole's guest privileges to allow her the use of seven (7) indoor candles.

Trinity's dad makes his second appearance, overstaying his welcome while staying with her and Jon. You both have fat dads. I'm not saying this plot is old hat but I think the footage was actually taken from a torrent of old Living Single episodes.

Eva Marie got an action figure. If you pull the string, it says, "wait, what was I supposed to say?" and "I recorded this on my iPhone because I couldn't find the studio."

Next week: Jesus, they put Gismo dying on the show? Yuck.

WE WANT JOJO.
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Moss
Summer sausage








Since: 23.9.10
From: Calgary, AB

Since last post: 67 days
Last activity: 50 days
#2 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.08
Hey now...Cena also gave her two (2) picture frames.

I thought I saw Jo2 at the afterparty, but she wasn't at the actual show (Nattie was apparently the only one nice/desperate for attention enough to attend) so it could be another short, curly haired black girl.

D-Bry was also absent, no doubt so he didn't make Cena look even worse by comparison. Good lord did John shatter his perfect man gimmick...he won some points for his take on Billy Madison's "shampoo vs conditioner", lost all of them with his Kitchen Nightmares:You Can't See Solid Food episode. His reaction to Nikki looked more appropriate to seeing her fuck his mom, not using a house's kitchen to store non-alcohol foodstuffs and make meals- instead of eating every single meal at a restaurant like a normal person. He's upset items would be placed on the fragile substance that is marble, Nikki comes up with the solution of placemats until Cena counters with "I like the way it looks all exposed and bare." Counters aren't for putting things on!! I swear Nikki is so fucking stupid. She even used his conversation piece oven to cook food in, which upset him more than her damaging his sports car because Cena is 100% sane.

I really want to hear the backstory on Cena's fear of fires, and how he got over that to buy multiple candles. It was so bad I thought John should trade places with Jon so the two awful & inconsiderate SOs could be together. Eve was stuck as the #4 heel after the trinity of Trinity, Mr Trinity & John "Hustle, Loyalty and Respect" Cena. But considering her screen time that's not bad.

Thankfully both Cena & Trinity realized it and righted their wrongs. Trinity's dad is quite the dick, trying to play on her emotions to keep his free accommodations with no apparent end-date.

It was like the return of Tough Enough, but Bill seemed a lot nicer to Gru that I would've expected. Must be getting soft in his old age- he even praised Ariane. They really missed the chance to throw in the disembodied voice of Vince McMahon when Gru was out in the parking lot: "HE'S GONNA PUKE! HE'S GONNA PUKE!"

JoJo needs something new in the opening credits, she has the worst one out of all of them.



BORK LASER PLS
CruelAngel777
Landjager








Since: 7.4.02

Since last post: 3 days
Last activity: 13 hours
#3 Posted on | Instant Rating: 4.79
We want JoJo! Clap clap clapclapclap!

I still prefer TD John Cena over the wrestling persona Cena. Him talking to Nikki like she was a child with the Hamper Muppets was apropos when later she makes such intelligent comments:

"I think my man has OCD. No candles, no personal photos, dirty clothes in the right hamper.."

I think she's confusing personal preference and simple organization requests with debilitating mental disease. Once again public education has failed her.

Just imagined if instead of Trinity/Naomi's nobody dad it was Jon's dad. This would of been the highest rated episode of the show's history.

Everything else that happened this episode can fuck off. I keep tuning in for JoJomania and get burned every time. Hopefully she's busy training to be a proper Sports Entertainer and the producers don't want to focus on that because who wants to see these girls become better at their jobs? That would be silly.



I believe in The Shield....
dMp
Banger








Since: 4.1.02
From: The Hague, Netherlands (Europe)

Since last post: 11 days
Last activity: 2 days
#4 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.88
    Originally posted by JustinShapiro

    Nikki is off-put once again by Cena's Patrick Bateman-esque existence. Cena retreats to get relationship advice from his personal trainer Rob MacIntyre OVER A GAME OF CHESS like he's fucking Magneto. John Cena contains multitudes. In a JJ Abramsian touch, this takes place in the very gym we recognize from Cena's arm rehabbing videos.



The best part was that at the end of the segment, when Cena started to see how wrong he was, MacIntyre won the chess game too, with a solemnly spoken "check mate"

    Originally posted by JustinShapiro

    Next week: Jesus, they put Gismo dying on the show? Yuck.



Maybe this will be the moment of redemption for all her past annoying behavior?
Or...she confides in Fandango that she blames Tyson Kidd for the death?
spf
Scrapple








Since: 2.1.02
From: The Las Vegas of Canada

Since last post: 1 day
Last activity: 5 hours
AIM:  
#5 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.04

    In fairness, his giant the-w must completely throw off his center of gravity.

W-ville may be dead, but its memory lives on.



2007 and 2008 W-League Fantasy Football champion!
JustinShapiro
Scrapple
Moderator








Since: 12.12.01
From: Pittsburgh, PA

Since last post: 2 days
Last activity: 2 hours
#6 Posted on | Instant Rating: 8.97
    Originally posted by Moss
    Good lord did John shatter his perfect man gimmick...he won some points for his take on Billy Madison's "shampoo vs conditioner", lost all of them with his Kitchen Nightmares:You Can't See Solid Food episode. His reaction to Nikki looked more appropriate to seeing her fuck his mom, not using a house's kitchen to store non-alcohol foodstuffs and make meals- instead of eating every single meal at a restaurant like a normal person. He's upset items would be placed on the fragile substance that is marble, Nikki comes up with the solution of placemats until Cena counters with "I like the way it looks all exposed and bare." Counters aren't for putting things on!! I swear Nikki is so fucking stupid. She even used his conversation piece oven to cook food in, which upset him more than her damaging his sports car because Cena is 100% sane.


Now I'm crying.

    Originally posted by dMp
    The best part was that at the end of the segment, when Cena started to see how wrong he was, MacIntyre won the chess game too, with a solemnly spoken "check mate"


YES. It was like a scene from that Seinfeld movie where the king plays chess.

    Originally posted by CruelAngel777
    I keep tuning in for JoJomania and get burned every time.


Only 2 episodes left, that's a little late to tell any kind of JoJo stories. Unless it's a metanarrative about Eva Marie stealing her spotlight at the end of half-season 1, I don't get it. Especially after the beautiful editing that used her SummerSlam anthem singing the same way a movie scores a slow-motion war scene with an opera song.

    Originally posted by spf
    W-ville may be dead, but its memory lives on.


It's like how everyone knows KFC stands for Kitchen Fresh Chicken.
John Orquiola
Scrapple








Since: 28.2.02
From: Boston

Since last post: 174 days
Last activity: 174 days
#7 Posted on | Instant Rating: 6.31
I lost track of the chronology of the show. Wasn't AJ's September pipe bomb (and the then-heel Bellas, er, "disrespectful" behavior during AJ's promo) filmed for Total Divas? Will the season end with the Total Divas' failure to win the Divas Title in the Fatal Four Way at Night of Champions?
JustinShapiro
Scrapple
Moderator








Since: 12.12.01
From: Pittsburgh, PA

Since last post: 2 days
Last activity: 2 hours
#8 Posted on | Instant Rating: 8.97
This half-season seems to be airing almost How I Met Your Mother style in the week since SummerSlam, but the AJ promo must've been erased when JoJo was lost in the timestream.
Moss
Summer sausage








Since: 23.9.10
From: Calgary, AB

Since last post: 67 days
Last activity: 50 days
#9 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.08
Maybe JoJo will be booked to be behind Gizmo's death?

I'm pretty sure the AJ match they showed this week is from that feud- I've been wondering the same thing over the last few weeks.



BORK LASER PLS
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1.No more Austin/Taker. Am I the only one who remember the two man power trip era? ugh. 2.Taker is a heel but he's still getting face pops. Not a very effective heel. WHAT? I said he's not a very effective heel.
- J. Kyle, nWo Wolfpac? (2002)
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