"I get a call from Gregory Dark, the director [of See No Evil]. He says, 'We've got a little problem here.' I said, 'What's the problem?' He goes, 'Vince has a suggestion about the movie. Vince wants this scene in the movie where Kane's character pulls out his penis, and he wants it to be three feet long.' I thought there was a connection problem, I said 'Greg, can you just back up and repeat that last line for me?' He goes, 'Yes, Vince wants Kane's penis to be three feet long, and none of the producers are saying anything about it.'"
If you told me that Vince McMahon had taken a hands-on approach to Total D's season 1.5, everything would make so much sense.
It's not too late to stop reading. Here we go.
No beating around the bush. Ariane's vagina hurts. She is experiencing terrible stabbing pain in her female vagina during sex. The pain is caused by Vincent's "giant weiner." She can "only do just a little bit inside." B..abe. Vincent feels bad, but you can't unring that bell: "I can't say, oh hey God, can you make my weiner smaller, cuz she hurts when my weiner is big."
This means we're off to the gynecologist and our third doctor's appointment in three weeks. I don't know if Total Divas is in a rush to use up all its health coverage for 2013 because there's no deductible rollover or what but it seems to be in flagrant disregard of HIPAA.
Meet gynecologist Dr. Bohn. Heh heh heh, with a name like Dr. Bohn, she ..................... should've been an orthopedist. Ariane tells Dr. B she's sorry about her unkempt pubic hair in the same way I apologize to the dentist for not flossing before my appointment. For fuck's sake (no pun int.), an ultrasound evidently occurs just underneath a medical, uh, sheet right before our very eyes. You guys. This is not what I signed up for. Ariane says the whole situation was awkward.com, perhaps part of the same blog network as thebomb.com.
The doctor is now going to put her finger in Ariane's rectum. WHAT IS HAPPENING.
If this scene was a work, never let it be said that Cameron doesn't know how to sell.
Great news. Ariane doesn't have, as she thought she learned on the midseason finale, endometriosis of the ol' uterus, which could've potentially made her infertile. Supposedly, her problem is not medical in nature and she just has an apprehensive vagina. I dunno, sounded like textbook endometriosis to me.
Vincent to his great credit is a caring and considerate boyfriend here. Plus he describes a burrito as thebomb.com!! For a gigantic-penised colossus, he's very sensitive and concerned about Ari's troubles. It's actually pretty touching.
Speaking of pretty touching [breathes heavily], Ariane is grilled about her masturbation practices. Vinny and Ari visit some sort of sex therapist, or sexpert, or psychia-tryst, or psycholo-jizzt. Ariane is interviewed about her sexuality in one of the most staged-y seeming scenes that's been on the show. It's awkward.com. Ariane cops to not being a very sexual being -- more of an Elinor Dashwood than a Marianne -- and admits that if she never had sex again, she wouldn't miss it. The doctor (?) runs down Ari for having too many sexual hang-ups. This seems like questionable therapy. Ari is advised to leave her sexual comfort zone and prescribed a vibrator. Well. Great news, there's an entire box of them at John Cena's house (gently used, like new).
I can't believe there's more.
Vincent comes home from the CostCo of sex toys with bags upon bags. He produces a riding crop (wow, when's the last time a rider beat someone on WWE television?). Then a vibrator. Then another vibrator, the kind Big Show would pull out from under the ring in a TLV match. Ariane gets into the spirit of things and starts teeing off on Vincent with the whip. "Like Daniel Bryan! Yes! Yes! Yes!" Then Ariane and Vincent both start doing DB Yes! pumps \o/ \o/ \o/. Honestly, it's an incredible scene to behold.
Finally, Vince and Ari exeunt to the boudoir to, I guess, totally have real sex with all the camera guys and boom mic operators and script supervisors in the adjacent room. In a remarkable bit of trickery, the show edits like 10 disparate words from previous A & V dialogue, as well as the dildo's telltale buzz, to make it sound like they're doing it right behind the door. Then they cut to a tasteful shot to a fountain spurting.
Fuck is on a roll. Fuck is on a roll.
Now I think I might be infertile.
Moving on. Eva Marie declares that it's "time to step up her craft." To Step 1 it is! Eva idolizes Natalya, so she asks TJ for some grappling pointers at The Beautiful New Performance Center. Not only is Alicia Fox back for the third week, but Norman Smiley gets a star turn. Nattie walks in on TJ teaching Eva how to cinch a headlock and the unfortunate placement of his face. Natty gets jealous because TJ was the first man who trained her and she wants to be the only woman he trains and other such Twilight-esque sex metaphors. So she recruits Fandango -- once again only referred to in dialogue as "Fandango" -- to help her work on some moves and make Teej jealous. Natalya ultimately flips out on Eva, mentioning her long-lost fiancee in the process. EM: "Nattie is clearly losing her fucking mind."
Nikki is reeling from John's cohabitation proclamation. She holes up in a hotel. Brie is also feeling neglected because of Bryan's many new obligations as the WWE Champion. Brie acknowledges the turnaround from when they started dating, when Brie was women's champion and Bryan couldn't even get on TV. After a sisterly heart-to-heart, Nikki convinces Brie that she's being too selfish at a time when he needs her the most, and Brie convinces Nikki to talk to John.
Nicole and Cena finally meet for lunch, Cena still sporting his now-yellow eye from SummerSlam. After being painted in a negative light all episode, Cena is forced to reveal that he financially supports his entire family, so, you see, he HAD to ask her to sign that paperwork because he can't jeopardize his family's financial security. We all thought John was being out of line, but as it turns out, he is in fact a living, breathing saint. Allusions are made to John's divorce and certain parties "turning crazy." Nikki realizes John was so right all along! Oh, honey.
Nattie apologies to TJ. RIP Gismo.
Brie apologizes to Daniel.
Nikki apologizes to Cena.
Oh, I get it. Editing! Parallels! Themes!
Nikki proposes her own cohabitation agreement: Cena has to have sex with her 10 times per day, including oral. Nikki and Ariane need to find some kind of middle ground.
Hey! No JoJo on the show for the third straight week!?!?! Has she gotten the vanishing sitcom sibling treatment? WE WANT JOJO. WE WANT JOJO.
I will never allow myself to write this many words about Total Divas again. But friends, this was an emergency. Bring back the PG Era. Please.
Next week: Vincent trains to be a wrestler. VINCENT TRAINS TO BE A WRESTLER.
All this show has done has made me hate Natalya. I already hated the Bella Twins before this, and my hatred has intensified.
The only reasonable ones on the show are Naomi and Jo-Jo. Eva Marie and Jo-Jo shouldn't even be on television though, I have never liked female "wrestlers" being hired with no actual wrestling ability. Eva Marie is of course the worst, as she has no passion for the business.
I was honestly looking for JoJo-Mania this week, and again I was denied. What did I get? uuugh...
Ariane's vagina crisis seems to be more psychological than physical. I think it was last week that we learned that she came from an abusive upbringing with her father. The bit of psychology (and experience) I know from dealing with people with traumatic abusive backgrounds is that it's very uncomfortable letting anyone get close and sometimes a tougher time being intimate.
I feel bad for Vincent crawling along a field littered with mines and relationship red flags when dealing with Ariane. She could go her whole life without having sex and be fine? She snaps on him and embarrasses him in public? Overly emotional and distant just for simply mentioning marriage? Dude get the fuck out of there! Too much drama.com
I don't usually care for Eva Marie, but her face while trying to get Natalya's attention as Nattie was being all passive aggressive to TJ tickled me. It was like ignoring your dog when you come home from work. The worst thing they could of done for Natalya was put her on this show. When her having a fart gimmick is more enjoyable than hearing her speak you have a problem.
Did anyone really think Nikki was not gonna agree to Cena's living terms? Cena always wins first of all. Second of all, John's financial situation with his family is a VERY convenient excuse to get his current girlfriend to sign paperwork that won't allow her to take him to court for simply living with him ala his failed marriage.
OK, I don't watch this show. I have no desire to watch this show but honestly, this recap has made it necessary for me to ask....did that seriously happen?!? The first half of that recap I mean....I mean, what a trainwreck of a show
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.