If you're one of those SICK OF THE DAMN PG, BRING BACK THE 'TUDE ERA types, your wishes have been granted. In this episode, Nikki has a large box of vibrators delivered to John Cena's house as part of move-in day. The two of them later have a debate over the medical definitions of the scrotum and the perineum. Nicole is truly disgusting, and she loves it. "I feel as if public education has failed you," says a contemplative Cena. Not her fault, she's already attested that playing soccer made her dumb.
The Attitude continues, as Total Divas' promised total access takes us inside John Cena's tricep surgery and inside John Cena's tricep. I'm talking a camera behind a window in the operating room, "climaxing" with Cena's elbow hump exploding upon puncture and "skeeting" (John's words) blood into the face of the renowned Dr. James Andrews, a shot that may as well have been on some such Tosh.0 programming and not a sophisticated culture vulture like the E! ne!twork.
The loyalest soldier has shed his final personal boundaries for his corporation; Cena is basically the character of Subway from Community. He embodies his corpo-humanization by serving Nikki a cohabitation agreement at the end of the episode, a romantic document that says he can evict her from his home with 48 hours notice. Legally-speaking this is commonly referred to as a "Your Time Is Up, My Time Is Now, You Can't See Me" clause. Nikki is more than a little taken aback and tearfully flees the Cena compound, ending the show on a cliffhanger worthy of Sly Stallone himself and the momentous first TO BE CONTINUED... in TDs history.
Really, they're perfect for each other.
Update the Wikipedia: Daniel Bryan's reign as the heavily-implied WWE Champion in Total Divas continuity "rolls on," as they'd say in WWE nomenclature. He cleanly defeated John Cena for the face of the WWE spot at SummerSlam, and any time you kill a Highlander, you have to take on all their promotional appearances. This compromises his free time with Brie, and so born is an arc of trials & tribs that will culminate in his proposal.
As this season goes on, it's going to get a little incongruous with current Raw programming when its main plots are about Daniel Bryan being the top guy and John Cena's 4-6 month absence, a timeframe that is continually referenced. Our collective friend Albert Ching astutely wonders whether the show will just similarly suggest through editing that Cena was actually gone for 4-6 months. Maybe the idea will be that living with Nikki makes him so crazy that he has to come back after eight weeks.
This is important. In this episode, Bryan and Brie work spots and play-wrestle, including Brie attempting a guillotine or should I say Brie-otine. This makes them the third of our four wrestling power couples to do this on the show -- TJ & Nattie do it, Jon & Trin do it, but I don't think Cena & Nikki have. So I must know whether all wrestling couples do this because it's instinctual in the intimate physical horseplay of the literally romantically entwined, or whether the producers of this show encourage it because they think it's cute. I'd like to see how Cena and Nikki's play-wrestling compares to everyone else's snug, physical style, though maybe it's better that they don't, since of the eight, they're the most likely to accidentally hurt themselves.
Eva Marie: the ascendant new queen of mean is a crap storyline. However, Eva Marie: too inept and lazy to bother with her job is a winner every time out. This week, Talent Relations Mark wants her do ring announcing on Raw. This somehow entails having to memorize every wrestler's weight and hometown, which sounds suspect to begin with, but is far too daunting either way for Eva. Her request to use a cheat sheet is denied, and during a test run, she announces Randy Orton as hailing from Los Angeles and gets chewed out by Mark, who insists that "facts are SO HUGE" in WWE, perhaps the most intrinsically false thing ever said on this reality television show. But on the whole, yes, the plot is that Eva can't memorize the three sentences required for a ring announcement.
Eva's gig "live on Monday Night Raw" looks suspiciously taped on Superstars. She makes it through the announcement of the Usos and Justin Gabriel, though her timbre is wince-inducing for the backstage monitor peanut gallery. Unfortunately, when introducing "and their opponents," 3MB, she blanks on Jinder Mahal's name. She approaches the Union Jacks afterwards to apologize, explaining that she froze out there. Jinder asks if she actually even knows his name and she answers "Ginger Mahal." This leads to an accosting and possibly the first successful group beatdown 3MB has ever administered (Drew is bad cop, Heath is more sympathetic).
Eva ends her story upbeat and aspirational, however. She's proud of herself because this time, instead of cheating, she failed honestly due to her own natural incompetence. This is not a "joke" or a "facetious sentence," that's really what happened. Believe in your dreams!
My favorite dynamic on the show is the combo of Ariane, Trinity, and Jon Uso. Their scenes goofing off together are basically peak era Friends. This week, Monica makes Chandler go to the podiatrist. Also Jon farts in the car. Attitude: Get It.
No JoJo plot for the second week in a row (the Viper coils...), but Alicia Fox is on again and has hopefully been bumped to "recurring."
Oh yeah Nikki also briefly dressed up as Nurse Nikki for like 10 seconds. The titular titular.
Eva Marie just comes off as incredibly hateable - narcissistic, shallow, completely unwilling to admit she's wrong, and pointlessly malicious. Which actually mean she's perfect for reality TV. She's terrible, terrible, terrible at wrestling and all things actually wrestling related, though. Her total fear of being able to recite about three lines of basic information from memory was astounding.
Cena is great on the show, and it does more to make him appealing to grown-ups than anything he does on WWE TV (other than putting over Daniel Bryan). I've even kind of softened on the Bellas, especially Nicole. She's kind of lovably dumb. I just want to pat her on the...head. Yes. Pat her on the head.
"Never piss off a hawk with a blowgun" - Conan O'Brien
Originally posted by GodEatGodEva Marie just comes off as incredibly hateable - narcissistic, shallow, completely unwilling to admit she's wrong, and pointlessly malicious. Which actually mean she's perfect for reality TV. She's terrible, terrible, terrible at wrestling and all things actually wrestling related, though. Her total fear of being able to recite about three lines of basic information from memory was astounding.
You might have thought that this was a re-run of last week's show: Two King of the Mountain qualifiers, Awesome Kong destroys a fan pulled from the crowd, and AJ gets beat down at the end. It might explain why the show felt pretty dull to me.