By the way, before I make my predictions, I want to state that I like
TNA, and my wit and dry humor here are simply how I roll, not an indictment, so don't anyone get any sand in an uncomfortable part of your anatomy or anything, mmkay?Pre-Show Match
Johnny Devine vs. Shark Boy
Gonna say Devine
will win here, on the basis of "Devine's on TV all the time, and Shark Boy once every couple months or so just so he can get his ass kicked."A Very Special "Shane Douglas Will Kick Your Ass if After all This Bullshit, You
Still Lose" Match
The Naturals vs. The Diamonds in the Rough
Seriously, do the Diamonds in the Rough ever freakin' win a match unless their opponents are feuding with a main-event heel, and said heel interferes to make his enemy suffer a humiliating defeat? They've certainly done enough vignettes of The Naturals, um, doing pushups and stuff to make me think they'll start getting a push again. So I go with The Naturals
to win this match, as they start getting a few wins in a row en route to being back in the thick of things in the tag division, right up there with AJ/Daniels, AMW, The Dudley Boyz and The New Age Outlaws. Hey, how come WWE's tag-team division can't be that loaded from top to bottom? They've got more wrestlers and more resources, don't they?A Very Special "Shit, is Konnan
Ever Going to Wrestle Again, and Would Anyone Really Notice if He Didn't?" Match
LAX w/Konnan vs. The Truth and Sonjay Dutt
Going with the assumption that they'll give a win to a team that's been together rather than one randomly thrown together, I'll give LAX
the advantage here in a match I could really care less about.A Very Special "Guess the Length of Time it Takes Kevin Nash to Break His Leg, Win a Free T-Shirt!" Match
Kevin Nash and Alex Shelley vs. Chris Sabin and Jay Lethal
I'll go with the upset here. They seem legitimately interested in pushing Jay Lethal, as evidenced by his show-ending pinfall in Impact's main event tonight. I see Jay Lethal
getting the decision over Shelley, after Nash is somehow neutralized-- probably by his own doing, or something.A Very Special "Two Guys Who Essentially Have the Same Finishing Move, Only Rhino Makes it Look Good" Match
Rhino vs. Monty Brown
Strange timing for this match, I agree. But I'd think that after Rhino's impassioned promo on Impact tonight, allegedly setting the ECW World Title belt on fire, no way they then go out and have him lose a few days later. Advantage Rhino
.A Very Special "I Refuse to Dignify the Stupid-Ass Names That TNA Came Up With For These Two Teams" Match
The New Age Outlaws and Abyss vs. The Dudley Boyz (All Three Members)
Jeez, why do I care? The "Your momma" joke skit was laaaaamer than laaaame. They've done nothing to get me excited about seeing these teams compete, which is unfortunate 'cuz the Dudleyz and the Outlaws meant so much to WWF tag-team wrestling back in the day.
Let's say a win for the DX Rejects and The Freakshow
here, with a lot of help from The Freakshow. Don't know, don't care.A Very Special "Heat Announcer vs. Nitro Announcer" Match
Raven vs. Larry Zbysko
After what Raven got put through at Larry Z's hands (and they need to show some footage to remind everyone of it), Raven
better damn well get the win here.X Division Title Match (With the Title Being Defended by a Guy Who Didn't Pin the Champion)
Senshi vs. ????
Senshi's a tough champion, but this ???? guy-- man, he's fast, he's intense, he's hardcore, baby! ????
all the way!Tag Team Title Match (With The Possibility of HOT~! LESBIAN~! ACTION~!, BABY, 'Cuz That Puts Butts in the Seats)
AJ Styles, Christopher Daniels (c) and Sirelda vs. James Storm, Chris Harris [America's Most Wanted] and Gail Kim
Yeah, see the thing about these kinda matches is, when Jeff Jarrett is World Champion, they tend to give belts to the people he's closely associated with. It's kind of a Four Horsemen thing, only much, much more annoying. So I'd say title reign #7 for AMW
starts at Victory Road. Yippee.A Very Special "Jim Cornette Somehow Showed Jeff Jarrett By... Um... Making a Match for a #1 Contendership" Match
Sting vs. Samoa Joe vs. Christian Cage vs. Scott Steiner
Tough call. On the one hand I'd say it's too early for a Samoa Joe World Title reign, only because it needs just a little more buildup, to make the fans demand
it. This also eliminates Scott Steiner, because these two must continue to feud. So that leaves Sting and Christian Cage. I'd say Sting
beats Christian with the Scorpion Death Drop here, right after Christian hits Joe with the Unprettier and gets all excited, thinking, "Yay, not only am I gonna win the match, but I'm gonna end Samoa Joe's winning streak." Only for Sting to say, "Not today, bitch." Christian must turn heel, very slowly, and hopefully WITHOUT, WITHOUT WITHOUT
then aligning himself with Triple J, dammit! Let a heel stand on his own for a change!
"Hurt me if you must, but let the duckie go."
--The Oracle of the Sunken Valley, The Order of the Stick
Five-Time W of the Day (5/27/02; 7/3/02; 7/30/04; 8/28/04; 12/16/05)
The Only Five-Time (and Last) N.E.W. World Heavyweight Champion
Certified RFMC Member-- Ask To See My Credentials!