Larry Zbysco is wearing a silk shirt covered with a giant picture of dogs riding motorcycles. Words can't do it justice.
Ozzie Guillen doesn't throw a particularly good chair shot and the angle is really shitty but I was really entertained by Simon Diamond this week. Diamond is fun on the mic "any ten year old with an Ipod can do that on the computer". He does a nice job getting over both his character and the angle and also is surprisingly effective in the commentator booth. Tenay is really awful selling this angle and someone needs to tell him to do just straight play by play as he stinks at emoting anger over angles. Honestly, the whole heel announcer deal is really passe but if they ever get rid of Tenay, I think a Diamond/West two man team might be fun.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK:
So many things didn't work this week, where to start...Larry Zbysco threatens to "wield my sword"and Jeremy Borash swoons. Is Shane Douglas out of rehab yet? Terry Taylor followed orders and" didn't work for the MTV show!!!! C'mon Goldilocks is still available!! Bonnie Blackstone, Post-Teen Beat with Brandon Baxter! What's Charlie Platt up to these days? What's Rob Bartlet up to these days? Just get Jeremy Borash off my TV screen!!
Tenay does a nice job of explaining why Sonjay Dutt is competing for a slot on team USA despite being announced as hailing from Bonbay, India. Tenay doesn't explain why Dutt is in this match despite already loosing a X-team qualifying match on the last show. Really they have Cassidey O Reilly, Shark Boy, Red, a ton of guys they could have put in last weeks three way but they do Dutt two weeks in a row. Really makes the bookers look stupid, like they haven't figured out the teams. Match itself sucked. Long long Matt Bentley v. Elix Skipper section...Who books a long Matt Bentley section plus it was a Matt Bentley exchanging wrestling holds section...YIKES. Then they do a Dutt v Elix Skipper punch exchange section. Who book a section of Sonjay Dutt punch exchanges?? This may have been the worst of the awfull Team X qualifying matches.
Poor fucking Cassidey Oreilly in another dull squash match opposite Abyss. Hey look it's Jim Mitchell saying "DOOM." Ooh scary. Mitchell does some cliche mic work about training a dog. Is that supposed to make Abyss look threatening. Jim Mitchell talking about busting a dog'skull isn't threatening, it's not gonna haunt me. Jeff G Bailey talking about him and Stone Mountain busting a nut on a dog will haunt me. Bailey was able to make fucking Stone Mountain seem scary and all Mitchell has is funny looking eyebrows and bad goth poetry. Shelley, Mitchell and Abyss are going to go to Canada where Christian is on the set of some gangster film. I wonder if Paul Giammetti throws a better chair shot than Ozzie Guillen.
Where did they find Machete? I mean those were some horrible crossfaces. All he was supposed to do was hit some clotheslines, some clubbing blows, some crossfaces and take one bump. And he didn't do any of those things well. Buff E is Puerto Rican. He can throw some crossfaces. Homicide didn't look good in this squash either. He is wearing nine inch heels and seemed to have a hard time running across ring and executing stomps while wearing the heels. This is TNA, Homicide looked really small working opposite Billy Gunn. But Billy Gunn is the tallest guy in the roster. No one is as tall as Billy Gunn. Everyone else is short. It's a fed of short workers. Homicide doesn't need to be limiting his mobility by wearing platforms. Unless they're going to give him a Puerto Rican disco dancer gimmick they look ridiculous.
So Phil tells me ďHey Tom, Why havenít you put out the Workrate report yet? Itís pretty funnyĒ. And I go and look at the workrate report that I wrote up on the admin board (where I compose my rough drafts of stuff) and realize that I never wrote anything about the two main segments on the show (Scott Steinerís opening mic work and the main event). And really I donít know what to do with either segment. The workrate format is all about what worked and what doesnít work and these two were just things that left me with mixed feelings. Steinerís mic work was okay. Never felt really out of control. The appeal of Steiner is kind of scary out of control guy and that requires that his mic work gets off track here and there and has moments of complete incomprehensibility. On the other hand Steinerís mic work can get completely nutty and he can bury his opponents to point that it ceases to be heelish and just becomes guy burying opponents on the mic. He didnít do that either. Also you watch Steiner call out the TNA top faces and you realize that since turning AMW and BrownÖTNAís top faces are Sting and his Stinger Squadron of ex-WWE workers and so you have a heel group anchored by Steiner and Jarrett vs. team WWE. Positioning WWE as the face in your ďalternativeĒ promotion is odd. Steiner calls Team 3-D a pair of fat backyarders and well Buh-Buh is fat. But has Steiner seen D-Von lately? Has he seen D-Vonís traps? D-Vonís traps are absolutely ridiculous. And well D-Von also has pecsÖWhen did Steiner stop having pecs? I mean he has all these other preposterously overdeveloped muscles but he has no pecs at allÖlike Tra Telligman on both sides. I donít know, Steinerís mic work was much much better than what I was expecting but didnít make me want to see a match or really anything. If instead of bringing out Steiner they brought out Ricky Jay and introduced him as the Black Scorpion: Would the crowd have mistaken Jay for Ole? Would Jay befuddling Eric Young with card tricks while talking about Sting and the TNA Sting Squadron have been more compelling? Would card tricks have heated up the PPV more than Steiner? Would it have made for better television? I donít know. Steinerís mic work was better than I expected and maybe it should make the "what worked" side but really it wasnít as cool as watching card tricks, so it stays down here. The main event wasn't bad but had some really really ugly sections. It wasn't bad but it wasn't good either. I mean it was better than every match the week before and I pretty much enjoyed it and donít know whether to put it on top or bottom either. But it becomes a victim of my new card trick standard. Iím going to go with too many blown spots equal not as compelling as three card Monte either. And it stays down here.
Thread ahead: Ross calling 'Mania, Not Styles... Next thread: WWE: Illegal Mexican Wrestlers Taking Smackdowns American Wrestlers Don't Want Previous thread: RAW #670 (3/27) Last RAW before Wrestlemania
I'm glad that version wasn't on the DVD (which we just got with our 7-11 Slurpee points). Some people on Facebook posted that they were watching Wrestlemania and I didn't have the heart to tell them it happened back in April.