Ok I used to write stuff about TNA when the fed first started out. And I thought Dean was going to write about the new TNA restart. But it looks like he just didn’t have the stomach for it. So it was going to be left with no DVDVR playboy writing about it. But then I heard drumbeats and a booming voice announced:
“From the ASHes of civiLIzation. A new world emerges. And with it New Warriors. And then from the cold TARpits of the soul. A MAN must rise. HE must’n’t avert his eyes from the reckage of culture. He is to be a chronicler-cirtic. And yet TOO a critic chronicler. That man is YOU.”
Aw fuck it.
~Jeff Jarrett’s shirt.---Really liked Jeff Jarrett’s pressed pants and clubbing shirt as it really gives him this great cock blocking asshole at a beach week party in the Keys vibe. His hair is looking less Buddy Roberts bleached and more southern asshole fratboy frosted too. It’s a great heel wrestler look. I imagine if Wayne Ferris were starting today, he’d also sport that look.
~Larry Zbysco’s shirt--- Airbrushed skeletons riding on motorcycles? Zbysco? For real?? I should say that I am amused that the institutional faces of a fed that’s about promoting wrestling as series of meaningless visual stimulants are Larry Zbysco and Shane Douglas.
~WELCOME TO THE SERRENGHETTI!!!!- Alot his changed since I last regularly wrote about this promotion.
Back then Ron the Truth Killings was the real out of nowhere star. In 2002 Ron “the Truth”Killings was working the gimmick of being an "Uppity Negro" demanding an immediate end to racism and reparations for past crimes. He was so over with the Nashville crowd with that gimmick that the fed really had no choice but to give him the belt. He was booked as a heel.
Ricky Steamboat was working as authority figure who felt that the solution to race problems require a more gradualist approach. He was booked as a tweener.
Monty Brown was working a Booker T Washington/Armstrong Williams/Stephin Fetchit gimmick argueing that Blacks needed to stop asking for others to help them and just work to do the best they could while just being thankfull for the opportunities that Whites give them. He wasn't particularly over. He was booked as a face.
Two years later:
The Fed has moved form the Nashville ASYLUM to Orlando. They wrestle in an eight sided ring instead of a four sided one.
Killings is a babyface, nowhere near the title, he keeps his mouth shut and lets the lighter skin folk in his tag team do the talking for him and dances and smiles.
Steamboat left TNA spent some time working backstage with ROH, where he was credited with helping to slow down the ringwork to make it a less spotfest based promotion, he then went on to work as road agent for WWE.
And Monty Brown is doing "Ooga-booga" jungle mic work and is really really over babyface. Something reassuring about Monty Brown still working self-hating Black man as babyface gimmick. In wrestling, somethings never change.
~Kevin Nash’s music. Everyone’s music in this fed sounds the same other than Jeff Jarett’s and Kevin Nash. Kevin Nash has some sort of weird bubble machine tune “boop boop da bo-OP de boop boop”. Sounds like someone trying to fake an early really cheesy Greensleaves rhythm track. I imagine there would be a good Ward 21 tune over that rhythm and a disappointing Wayne Wonder track.
WHAT DIDN’T WORK-
~Meltzer spends a lot of time pimping the quality of the TNA video packages. But GAWD do they suck. You get no sense of anyones individual character since all the promos are filmed and presented with the exact same technique. We are told that 3Lk are comic entertainers and instead of presenting us that or having a promo that makes it appear as though they're in a Keystone Cops stop motion comedy or presented different than all the other promos, we have same booming announcer telling us they're comedic and several talking heads discussing their strengths. All the stuff is exactly the same. The griot booming about new worlds and new warriors is just goofy. UFC also tries to do that kind of shitty..these men are Roman gladiators, Clash of the Titans stuff. Unless Dana White's going to give Joe Rogan a metallic owl it’s stupid and embarrasing. It actually comes off even more pathetic in TNA than it does in UFC as its less Clash of the Titans and more direct to video Knights Tale rip-off.
" From ashes of civiLIzation much has changed, new worlds emerge and with them there have been many historical figures as well as historical events. Things have gotten bigger yet smaller. Computers. So too must there be New Warriors and they are trult bound for GlO-ry.
SAN DIMAS HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL RULES!!!"
~Roderick Strong got more offense in and was made to look stronger opposite Kurt Angle.
~WOW That Rhino vs. Jeff Hardy with Sabu and Abyss run in match was an ugly mess of mistimed stuff. Wait wait I couldn't have heard Tenay right? They're having these four guys meet in a "Monster's Ball" match with the concept being: "all four competitors will be locked away in separate areas for 24 hours prior to the bout – no food, no water, no light. When the doors are finally unlocked and the combatants let loose, they will be extremely angry, irritable and out for blood"
Do they think the selling point of these four guys is the blown spots??? If you thought there were alot of blown spots in this match wait till you see what they'll be like after a day of sensory deprivation!!!!!!!
~You know there has been a lot of drugged up wrestling feds. But I don’t care how much coke Gino and the Von Erichs were snorting I don’t remember World Class ever feeling as drugged as episode one of TNA. Hell AAA doesn’t feel as drug addled as this show. Just was lots of meaningless stuff happening. Shitty Styles vs. Strong match which was just one meaningless spot after another. Shitty Monty Brown squash which was big spots, shitty three way where the best part was the little bit of psyche added by two guys conking heads where they tried to establish character by how they reacted to the head conk…but then followed that up with one meaningless spot after another, and a shitty Hardy vs. Rhino spot fest. The three way was far and away the best match on the show and that’s because it actually had more narrative elements than any of the other matches…yeah that’s right when your three way is more meaningful than your normal matches you are in trouble. Loud music seems to be playing at all times. No matter whats going on, as all the music is mixed too high. The show ended with Jarrett getting surprised as one person after another came out from the back. He was supposed to act surprised by each guy’s music and well with the exception of Nash’s music they all sounded like the same wall of sound that was played loudly during the whole show. Like listening to music on mesc where it all just envelops you. I mean I did drugs in my youth, I understand sometimes you just want a bunch of visual stimulus with loud music in the background. But I don’t think producing a product aimed at mescalin abusers is going to make you money. Those guys aren’t going to remember to buy a PPV.
Da Meltz confirms that the Johnsons were the Shane brothers. I wondered at first if they were the Harrises/Creative Control/Blu Twins/whatever, too, but they weren't anywhere near as bad as the Harrises are. Thank goodness.