Welcome to a very special edition of “Satire”. Don’t expect all sorts of columns about Smackdown from here on out, because RAW is enough for me. But without DEAN this week, I figured I might as well.
Brock Lesner is backstage! He’s either looking for The Big Show w/ Paul Heyman or something to eat. Try the chicken, Brock!
Rey Misterio v. Jamie Noble w/ Nidia
Where’s the 20 minute interview? RAW must have me spoiled. Rey and Nidia have an argument in Spanish, allowing Noble to get control early. Hey, remember when Rey was going to come in and be part of the cruiserweight division? Yeah…Those were the days. Instead he just hits the 619-555-3784, and a springboard West Coast Pop. Jamie swears in the corner until Nidia whispers something into his ear. Hmm…
Brock is still backstage, but now he’s in a locker room. Eddie and Chavo ask him “What’s going on ‘Ese Vato’?” But Brock doesn’t speak Spanglish. Matt Hardy tells Brock that what would really scare Paul E. and Big Show is if Brock wore a Mattitude shirt. Brock responds by throwing Matt through the wall. Hey! Crash Holly and Albert!!
As people help Matt out, Eddie convinces Stephanie McMahon that she should add at least another 2, maybe 3, cup sizes. Stephanie freaks out when she sees the wall is broken and Chavo immediately says, “Brock did it!” Nobody likes a tattle tale, Chavo. As Stephanie freaks out about this, Albert kind of checks out her ass, which if you know anything about his shopping habits, shouldn’t surprise you. He’s the Billy Gunn for a new era!
Jamie Noble is crying about his losing streak, and the apparent lack of wrestling thus far in the show. Nidia says that she has a surprise for Jamie and hands him a mask. “Is this what I think it is?” “I think that it’s time for a Jung reunion!” “I’ll go call cuzin’ Kaz and Yang!” It’s really too bad we can’t get a Three Count Reunion going…
Stephanie asks Brock if he broke the wall. Brock gives her the F5 and storms toward the catering table.
Mark Lloyd is back…Oh, who cares.
Tajiri v. Billy Kidman For the WWE Cruiserweight Title
Kidman is wearing blue tights. Tajiri comes out, and gets confused as to whether he’s a heel or a face. Kidman uses this to his advantage and hits the Shooting Star Press for the win. At the catering table, Brock Lesner chews on an M&M cookie and mutters, “Big deal. Even I can do that.”
Big Show and Paul Heyman beat the living hell out of Mark Lloyd. Funaki thanks the Lord he wasn’t involved in this segment.
Chris Benoit v. Chavo Guerrero w/ Eddie Guerrero Match for 1/2 of the Awesomeness Title
Eddie gets thrown out straight away, because the referee isn’t stupid, I guess. Chris Benoit uses WORKRATE to kill Chavo Guerrero, but goes up top and tries to break his neck with the diving headbutt and knocks himself out. Chavo realizes, however, that he must job to Benoit, so he puts Benoits arms around his head and taps out. Benoit is holding Chavo down!
Stephanie tells Brock not to run-in during the next segment, or else he’ll get suspended. Brock F5s Stephanie through her desk.
Remember Bill Demott from the Halloween segment a few weeks ago and/or Tough Enough 3? Well...He's COMING to the same show he was already on!
Paul Heyman is the NE-YOUUUUUUU WWE Champion, and he’s defending against all comers! Honestly, I think Paul E. as champions will be awesome for ratings. Oh, wait, he’s just holding the belt for Big Show. Big Show comes out and eats Paul Heyman, then says that he’s 7’2” 900 pounds and he’s going to eat everyone that tries to get anywhere near his title. Then he realizes that he ate his title too, and weeps lightly. Brock comes out and F5s the Heyman out of the Big Show, and then F5s Heyman through Big Show.
Stephanie threatens Brock with suspension, so he F5s her through the floor.
Kurt Angle v. Eddie Guerrero w/ Chavo Guerrero Match for the Other Half of the Awesomeness Title
Kurt Angle goes crazy and starts beating the living crap out of everyone, eliminating Chavo. The crowd chants USA, because El Paso isn’t REALLY part of the U.S. Eddie agrees by chanting Mex-I-Co. Kurt Angle reverses the “Lasso from Del Taco” into an “Angle Lock”. Chavo and Benoit agree that their match was much better, and chant “Boring”. Angle hits a top rope Olympic Slam and pins Eddie, then he goes backstage to try to kiss Benoit.
On a very special Thanksgiving Episode of Smackdown!, Scott Steiner will talk about Freaks, Peaks, and how to make your Thanksgiving meal give your guests the proverbial "Big O".
Funaki asks Edge what he thinks of being eaten by Big Show. Edge says that it’s a life long dream of his to be eaten by Big Show, just like Godzilla and King Kong. Did you know that in Japan, Godzilla beat King Kong? Now you do.
Ah the Classic RAW Segmen...Wait The Classic RAW Segment? But what about the Split? I'll have your head Kevin Dunn! Rock can't say "Poontang" on UPN, so say it for him at home!
Dawn Marie and Al Wilson come out and have sex.
Rikishi v. John Cena
Rikishi and John Cena forget they wrestled last week and have the exact same match. The crowd is confused so they send Bull Buchanan to attack Rikishi to stop him from “backing that ass up”. Bull Buchanan is just happy that somebody remebered who he was.
Paul Heyman and Big Show are afraid that Brock will F5 them into things. Big Show tells Paul E. to get him traded back to RAW where, while he WAS jobbing, he didn’t have to work more than one segment a week. Talking makes a big man tired.
Paul E tries to convince Steph to trade them back to RAW, but she says that she will suspend Brock Lesner instead. That’s an awfully idle threat seeing as you’re in that hole in the ground there, Steph. Stephanie tells Paul that Show’s match with Edge is next.
Edge v. Big Show w/ Paul Heyman WWE Heavyweight Title
True to their word! Edge makes a valient fight and spears Big Show a bunch of times, but that move never works on the fat man, so Edge gets eaten. Show starts to go after the ref, but Brock Lesner comes out and F5s him through the ring. Then, as an encore he pulls out his broken rib and uses it to surgically remove Edge. Then he F5s Edge through his broken rib. Then, Paul E. lays out Brock. He pulls off his mask…It’s Vince Russo! Oh, my God! We’ve been swerved! What crazy things will happen next?
Will Brock EVER get suspended? Who will be the next to fall victim to Big Show’s Appetite (for destruction)? When will Al Wilson get the push he deserves, and finally beat Benoit and Angle cleanly? Will the Gobbledy Gooker and Scott Steiner have a food fight to the death?
Since everyone else is doing it (ok, not EVERYONE, but...)
Vikings (3-7) - Where the hell has THAT team been? Badgers (6-6) - Bowl bound! Oh wait... Buffy 7... Earns Pi x 2 points...Uh...Not really sure what I'm supposed to thing...That was one friggin' weird episode...
Good column, and you've certainly hit the nail on the head of a few points as to why this has quickly become underwhelming television. Hopefully, the WWF gets it's act together on this before it's too late.