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The W - Guest Columns - 2002 YEAR IN QUOTES - WWF - January
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vsp
Andouille








Since: 3.1.02
From: Philly

Since last post: 2978 days
Last activity: 192 days
#1 Posted on
Time for my annual failure to judiciously edit, as someone once put it. ON TO THE CRZisms!

------

HOT TAG to Tazz! LISTEN TO THAT CROWD! (That's sarcasm, right?) YEAH!
WWF SMACKDOWN - 3.1.2002

Now Austin is draped over the second rope and Boss Man continues punching - although, now they look more like I should be typing "Boss Man continues to pat Austin's head gingerly."
WWF SMACKDOWN - 3.1.2002

MONCTON! MONCTON! MONCTON! Fredericton, St. John, MSG, and MSG, and MONCTON!
WWF SMACKDOWN - 3.1.2002

Your hosts are MICHAEL KING COLE, JERRY LAWLER & A BIG ASS "CRZ IS WALKING" SIGN - wow!!

I GET LETTERS: Twoflowers was THERE, MAN: After I saw the first guy do it, I just couldn't resist. Share and enjoy. Call it my gift to you for years of damn good recaps.

What can I say? Stefan, I love you. Strictly platonic, mind you, but the love is SO THERE.
WWF SMACKDOWN - 3.1.2002

Why is there an ad for "Darrin's Dance Grooves" during this show? Is this another amazing crossover demographic I've somehow managed to escape being lumped in with until this moment? Ha ha who knew Lance Bass was so MISCHEVIOUS lookin' like Snoop Dog pointing at him
WWF SMACKDOWN - 3.1.2002

Royal Rumble ad - featuring lots of midgets and a cowboy saying "That ain't right." Sir, you're so, so right.
WWF SMACKDOWN - 3.1.2002

Cole says the MCI Center isn't this loud even when Michael Jordan is in the building - errrrrrrr.
WWF SMACKDOWN - 3.1.2002

BLATANT PLUG: My brand new message board, Wienerville, is up and open for business - we've already got over 200 members, only three of which are female. I'm not sure what that means that I can attract more gay guys than girls to a message board....wait, I think I just made the "I Didn't Say It" list - good thing that's outta business. So! I want MORE female readers and MORE gay guys to sign up. YES!
WWF RAW - 7.1.2002

OH NO, THIS HEADER IS TOO BIG: Tough SHIT. I'm under the weather and it makes me WORDY. If you're any kind of savvy, you've already learned how to skim to the One World Leader line anyway...RIGHT?
WWF RAW - 7.1.2002

Again, the "What?"s are removed for your convenience, but mostly because I'm getting tired of them.
WWF RAW - 7.1.2002

I dunno, giving him a hard look, Vince looks more like the Maestro than the Nature Boy.
WWF RAW - 7.1.2002

Hey, that was pretty good.

I wonder why they can't write a segment like that for two wrestlers?

HMMM.
WWF RAW - 7.1.2002

Moments Ago - this time we stay on the closeup of Vince, lest we think the previous segment was somehow about Flair

During the Break, the EMT's tended to Flair....oh, WAIT - they DIDN'T show ANY kind of segment even remotely RESEMBLING this - I guess 'cause there wouldn't have been any Vince in it
WWF RAW - 7.1.2002

Kane leaves another four children hungry by wasting Chef Boyardee Big Beefaroni
WWF RAW - 7.1.2002

Chuck falls to the apron and Billy is wobbling, wobbling, wobbling....and there's the TIMBERRRRRR headbutt to the groin we've all come to know and love.
WWF RAW - 7.1.2002

Scotty does the "my peepee hurts!" dance but Chuck is not amused.
WWF RAW - 7.1.2002

Triple H did not appear in this segment.
WWF RAW - 7.1.2002

Bossman is back to the flak jacket and nightstick, no doubt due to popular request.
WWF RAW - 7.1.2002

Another four cans of Chef Boyardee Big Beefaroni that could have gone to Rwanda WASTED at the hands of Kane
WWF RAW - 7.1.2002

I have this new idea for a TV show - it's kinda like "Highway to Heaven," except instead of Michael Landon and some guy in an A's cap, it's JARED...and he just kinda walks around looking for formerly fat people who eat Subway sandwiches, solving their problems and helping them learn about themselves. I figure that idea could make me MILLIONS of dollars...provided I don't have to pay Jared anything.
Or MAYBE it'd be even better as "The Incredible Hulk" but instead of Bill Bixby it's JARED and when he gets ANGRY, he turns back into REALLY FAT JARED and at the end of every show, that sad piano music plays as he walks off ALONE to find another Subway
WWF RAW - 7.1.2002

That sound you hear is millions of keyboards clacking away in an attempt to be the first one to say something negative about this man - just try to ignore it.
WWF RAW - 7.1.2002

START GAME: Let Us Take You Back to RAW for this set of clips! Starring Triple H as "the Red Baron" and Kurt Angle as "Snoopy"
WWF SMACKDOWN - 10.1.2002

STEPHANIE IS A LITTLE TEAPOT, SHORT AND STOUT makes her way down the aisle - THERE is her handle, THERE is her spout. Why are they giving her the mic?
WWF SMACKDOWN - 10.1.2002

Trish Stratus shills organized crime - I mean, Stacker 2
WWF SMACKDOWN - 10.1.2002

T is noticably distraught about the current state of his life.
WWF SMACKDOWN - 10.1.2002

The WWF! LIVE! Beaumont, Waco, Dallas and Bossier City! NOTHING SEGMENT! YES!
WWF SMACKDOWN - 10.1.2002

Back in the bathroom (man, that cameraman needs to get out more)...
WWF SMACKDOWN - 10.1.2002

No kidding, they're gonna do a Triple H final segment AGAIN? Wow, SOMEBODY thinks that kid equals RATINGS - and by "somebody," I mean...nah, I *still* can't bash the man.
WWF SMACKDOWN - 10.1.2002

These two are SO awesome when they wrestle. I mean, this is too awesome for words and I'm glad you're here reading it. ("Feel the luv! Wow, what a PANSY.") AHHHHHH BLOW ME
WWF SMACKDOWN - 10.1.2002

Angle hooks the leg for the first time - 1, 2, no! Think about that, guys - we went almost eight minutes without a pinfall attempt - and we didn't *need* it because these two are SO good at telling the story in the ring.
WWF SMACKDOWN - 10.1.2002

H removes his shirt and shows off his back (and, some will say, his back acne.)
WWF SMACKDOWN - 10.1.2002

TONIGHT: Can we milk one more show out of Triple H's return? By God, we're gonna try! Also: some other folks
WWF RAW - 14.1.2002

Outside we go, where a new limousine is pulling up - it's Stephanie, and she's really unhappy at the "bell clerk" for muffing the directions. She also manages to say "bell clerk" about twelve times in fifteen seconds.
WWF RAW - 14.1.2002

I GET LETTERS: Nick writes: Is it just me, or does Steph look more like China every time we see her?

Uhh...I ain't EVEN goin' THERE.
WWF RAW - 14.1.2002

Billy & Chuck ponder the broader social ramifications of what Hurricane's just said, and decide that they'd rather just take him from behind - PUNK THEM OUT from behind, and we're underway.
WWF RAW - 14.1.2002

I'd be remiss if I failed to mention Stephanie's requisite "blondes ARE dumb" comment, but I don't mind being remiss too much with these Stephanie segments.
WWF RAW - 14.1.2002

Question: If Tiki Barber's anti-drug is football, is he gonna start shooting up 'cause the Giants aren't in the playoffs?
WWF RAW - 14.1.2002

Ross never puts two and two together and lets the audience in on the turnbuckle cover shenanigans storyline - how Schiavonesque of him.
WWF RAW - 14.1.2002

Jericho counters the argument of the guy in the front row with the "JERICHO IS A JOBBER" sign by pointing to both of his title belts. Game, set and match.
WWF RAW - 14.1.2002

THE NEW MAN comes out...well hell, whatever happened to the Undertaker anyway? Maybe HE'LL come out, too. And then they can HUG.
WWF RAW - 14.1.2002

Hey, have you noticed that ever since Triple H has come back, Tajiri hasn't been able to use his red and green mist? That's 'cause it's too much like H's *clear mist*. AH, POLITICS.
WWF RAW - 14.1.2002

The Rock FINALLY shows up! That'd make him early for tonight - SUPER LATE for RAW.
WWF SMACKDOWN - 17.1.2002

How "crafty and cunning" to you have to be to use brass knuckles, anyway?
WWF SMACKDOWN - 17.1.2002

Yikes! "Rollerball?"

Oh man, and it's coming out same day as "Big Fat Liar?"

I WONDER what I'll watch THAT night!

(Probably "Iron Chef.")
WWF SMACKDOWN - 17.1.2002

Tajiri asks nicely for Billy to please hold his leg so he can snap off an enzuigiri - TIMMMBERRRRRRR.
WWF SMACKDOWN - 17.1.2002

Before she can answer, JAZZZZZZZZZZZ jumps her from behind and then slams an equipment case lid on a big block - I mean, ON HER HAND.
WWF SMACKDOWN - 17.1.2002

Test has new music, yep. Remember when they'd wait until the pay-per-view to debut new music/tights? I mean, tonight I've heard this new music for Test, I've seen the APA's "cards and beer" tights for the first time....gee, it's like the pay-per-view isn't *special* anymore!
WWF SMACKDOWN - 17.1.2002

From RAW, Debra and Stephanie have a debate about whose husband can kick whose BUTT, slaps are thrown, cats are fighted, and go buy an Xbox
WWF SMACKDOWN - 17.1.2002

I'm a little disappointed, you know - H had *eight months* to come up with a better name than "Pedigree" but didn't. I guess that iron cross took up most of his brainpower.
WWF SMACKDOWN - 17.1.2002

I GET LETTERS: Ian Carandang writes: You'd think with practically ALL of his defeats coming from being kicked in the balls, the Big Show would start wearing a cup by now. Just thinking out loud, is all....
WWF RAW - 21.1.2002

Commentators waste no time building a quick feud between Booker and Rob van Dam based on T eliminating van Dam from the Rumble last night. I already hear the more cynical among you grousing "oh look, they're side draining the 'non-WWF' people into feuds with each other, ensuring they stay far, far down in the midcard!" to which I respond "Shhhhhhh."
WWF RAW - 21.1.2002

Cypress Hill for Tazz, you may have heard. He be down with B-Real FUH real an' all dat, yo.
WWF RAW - 21.1.2002

Aw, man, why'd B.B. King have to do Burger King ads? Is he THAT hard up for cash?
WWF RAW - 21.1.2002

Moments Ago, Edge was a stupid man who wasn't smart enough to stash his weaponry.
WWF RAW - 21.1.2002

Elsewhere, it's time for the Pointless Debra Segment of the Night, which fortunately for us is combined with the Insult the Intelligence of the Audience Segment of the Night, as Mr. Perfect and Debra pretend they've never met before.
WWF RAW - 21.1.2002

Venis holds on for his Misawa-like knee, repeat with another whip/hold/Misawa joke, side Russian leg sweep for 2. At this point, it is my duty to inform you that while I drop the name "Misawa" for street cred, I actually have no idea if that actually makes any sense or not - fortunately, I'm ready to take the hit if need be.
WWF RAW - 21.1.2002

Have you ever *wished* for an ad break?
WWF RAW - 21.1.2002

Speaking of which, the Godfather is WALKING! He politely knocks on the door marked "private" and says it's time to come to the ring. But they won't be ready for another two minutes. Instead of beating them, he waits politely.
WWF RAW - 21.1.2002

GODFATHER (with eight - no, four hos - no, escorts) hits the ring. You know, I don't usually say this ahead of time, but....well, this is gonna suck, I'm sure.
WWF RAW - 21.1.2002

That's pretty much what they'd telegraphed last night - which leads to the obvious question. What's the POINT? There's nothing left! The crowd can't say pimpin' ain't easy anymore, there's no high-pitched HOOOOOOOO TRAIN, the women are so unscantily clad as to serve even less purpose than they did before - hell, even his outfits have lost all entertainment value. I wouldn't be surprised if they'd also managed to cut off his dick in the process. I mean, what's next?
WWF RAW - 21.1.2002

We can't have a Pointless Debra Segment of the Night without a Pointless Stephanie Segment of the Night!
WWF RAW - 21.1.2002

I *think* we spent more time watching clips prior to the match than we spent watching the match. Dammit, when are they gonna give RVD his PUSH?!? I mean, for the love of Pete, Regal ALMOST got in a move against him there!
WWF SMACKDOWN - 24.1.2002

RIKASHMONEY v. BOSSMAN ISHEBIG - as if there weren't enough to tweak the WWF New Media folks about, go click on wwfsuperstars.com/bossman/bio and read about how, since his return, Bossman has teamed up with Ken Shamrock to win the tag team championship.
WWF SMACKDOWN - 24.1.2002

Jackie *really* wants Bossman's nightstick - a little TOO much, if you get my drift.
WWF SMACKDOWN - 24.1.2002

Backstage, Lilian Garcia offers to be there for Stephanie if she wants to talk about her problems. Stephanie says she and Hunter don't have any problems - right now, her only problem is her. Then she throws a cup of coffee on her. Lilian screams a lot to indicate that it was SCALDING HOT COFFEE and this segment was even more Pointless than normal to the break to the break to the break
WWF SMACKDOWN - 24.1.2002

Let's all clap like the American Males!
WWF SMACKDOWN - 24.1.2002

To the Helmsley dressing room, where Stephanie is proud of herself - and her rack! When H fails to share in the glee, Stephanie breaks into a soliloquy about how he's not really listening to her blah blah blah not giving her any credit for all her great advice blah blah blah she's a McMahon blah blah blah you may love this business but my family IS this business blah blah blah okay let's pick it up from here.
WWF SMACKDOWN - 24.1.2002

Is she just ad-libbing any old thing here? This just seems so...I don't know, stilted.
WWF SMACKDOWN - 24.1.2002

Christian makes sure to kick away the clangy metal pipes when H fails to throw him into them. What a consummate professional!
WWF SMACKDOWN - 24.1.2002

Man, aren't these singles matches so much BETTER than these randomly generated tag team matches? I'll answer that for you: yes, they are. Awesome times two, baby!
WWF SMACKDOWN - 24.1.2002

Show scoops up D-Von on his back...then fails to just put him through the table right in front of him - Well It's The Big Dummy - doesn't matter anyway, as D-Von breaks free and runs him into the ringpost.
WWF SMACKDOWN - 24.1.2002

Show tries to apologies but Kane says "what, you think I'm retarded or something?" Then Show says "well, aren't you?" (I may have made that up.)
WWF SMACKDOWN - 24.1.2002

Oh oh, somebody gave Jazz Chyna's old box of headbands!
WWF SMACKDOWN - 24.1.2002

Hey Tazz, that's three trucks of Stacker 2 in one night - don't you think you're kinda PUSHING YOUR LUCK?
WWF SMACKDOWN - 24.1.2002

Wait...but...if it was in the MIRROR, he must have written "oWn" on his chair! OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR IS COMING BACK OH MY GOD
WWF SMACKDOWN - 24.1.2002

Well, what can I tell ya. Vince is nuts, and I'm not talking about how effective his acting came across.
WWF SMACKDOWN - 24.1.2002

Let Us Take You Back to the Royal Rumble and show you how Maven *singlehandedly* eliminated the Undertaker - or that's what they keep saying, anyway, despite the fact that we can clearly see Lita up there on the apron. (Lita? Lita Who?) You know, the woman who turned on her webmaster and... (Okay, okay, I didn't really care.)
WWF RAW - 28.1.2002

Hey, remember how we used to complain about twenty minute opening interviews? I'm trying to figure out where I stand relative to that on *two ad breaks in the opening twenty minutes.*
WWF RAW - 28.1.2002

We take a long, loving look at ring flowerpot LILIAN GARCIA, who is sporting "coffee burns" from Thursday - I didn't really see them, but I'm sure they're there if they keep bringing 'em up.
WWF RAW - 28.1.2002

TONIGHT: they actually play an ad for RAW....during RAW. Presumably this is from the same braintrust who thinks calling themselves "the new TNN" is a good idea
WWF RAW - 28.1.2002

Let me just ponder this for a minute...Godfather and Page are.....okay, we've got Godfather, okay, and he's teaming with... ..... .... okay, DDP is teaming with..... no, I can't ("Random tag team generator") OH! RIGHT! Actually, if somebody could be bothered to bring up the fact that Page got the nontitle victory over Christian last night on Heat, I MIGHT even think there's a budding feud over the European championship brewing - making this a "combine two feuds with one tag team match" match - of course, since they didn't bring ANY of that up...well hell, I don't even know why I'M bringing it up. Also, Page cheats on his wife. I guess THAT'S a good thing, too.
WWF RAW - 28.1.2002

Page leaves through the crowd 'cause he's a suckup.
WWF RAW - 28.1.2002

Flair is smart enough to stay quiet and let it all sink in. Lawler, of course, is not.
WWF RAW - 28.1.2002

Inside is NIDIA (WHO? OH YEAH, NIDIA) She's really excited for Maven and she's got boobs.
WWF RAW - 28.1.2002

Ross says HE thinks that Jericho wanted no part of this match, and Flair probably booked it. MAYBE Ross should have kept *that* opinion to himself - I mean, it's not quite as subtle as you think to pass by "portraying the champ as a weasel" on the direct path to "completely burying the champ."
WWF RAW - 28.1.2002

I believe they're now doing "the maturing tadpole."
WWF RAW - 28.1.2002

Why does Lawler boo Jazz? That's not very "heel" of him. Oh, right, he sucks about that.
WWF RAW - 28.1.2002

Chuck ducks, JUNGLE KICK! 1, 2, kickout. Oops, I guess nobody told Bradshaw that was his move and so he'd need to save Faarooq - so much for THAT finisher.
WWF RAW - 28.1.2002

Steffo gets SCREECHY AND SOBBY and wow people will sure keep the channel right where it is with THAT on
WWF RAW - 28.1.2002

I gotta say, Hebner's near falls are SO obvious...to the point of being distracting. It's almost...I mean, I can't watch Hebner; he is detracting from the enjoyment of my match, yep.
WWF RAW - 28.1.2002

Austin shoves him away, and while he doesn't get DQ'd, Angle DOES get to sneak in a big ol' kick to the nuts while Hebner isn't looking. (Did you see how they set this up earlier in the night with the van Dam/Regal match? No? How about after I pointed it out?)
WWF RAW - 28.1.2002

Angle hooks a leg - 1, 2, JESUS CHRIST HEBNER YOUR COUNTS SUCK TONIGHT.
WWF RAW - 28.1.2002

Angle picks him up - OLYMPIC SLAM!! 1, 2, foot on the rope, Hebner pulls up like it's another near fall even though his shoulders didn't budge - WAY TO GO, DUMBASS.
WWF RAW - 28.1.2002

Why, I am OUTRAGED that Tazz is jerking the curtain! We are told this match came about because Tazz didn't like the way Jericho treated Maven on RAW. (Apparently, everything that *Undertaker* did to Maven is hunky dory with Tazz...or more like Tazz is a SUPER WIMP who'd rather avoid the AWESOME POWER of the Taker.)
WWF SMACKDOWN - 31.1.2002

Those of you who keep crying about how Jericho is made to look bad should check out the ring right now - between Tazz, referee "Blind" Miss Jacqueline and Jericho, the Undisputed Champion is actually **the TALLEST guy in there**.
WWF SMACKDOWN - 31.1.2002

I have a feeling someone whispered in Jericho's ear "if you chew gum, you'll seem more like Shawn Michaels."
WWF SMACKDOWN - 31.1.2002

Sign in crowd: "IT'S WHOOO YOU MORONS NOT WOOOO" Hey buddy, YOU'RE wrong. Nyah nyah nyah.
WWF SMACKDOWN - 31.1.2002

Clay Henry, you've lost 130 pounds - could you please try to SMILE at least ONCE during this ad?
WWF SMACKDOWN - 31.1.2002

Page leaves through the crowd 'cause he's a suckup - meanwhile, Christian is humping the canvas in angry fashion.
WWF SMACKDOWN - 31.1.2002

Yesterday, LARRY KING sat down with STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT. Today, I fast forwarded through almost eight minutes of this show!
WWF SMACKDOWN - 31.1.2002

The highlight of this match is LL Cool J getting a call on his cel phone in the middle of the match. Why does he keep licking his hand, anyway?
WWF SMACKDOWN - 31.1.2002

Now I know you'll find this hard to believe, but the team accompanied by the movie stars WINS! (Bradshaw Hades lariat -> pin Test 2:39)
WWF SMACKDOWN - 31.1.2002

Another look at the "WWF Desire" video we saw on Monday. It's still awesome even if it DOESN'T have Steve Blackman in it.
WWF SMACKDOWN - 31.1.2002




"When I feel depressed, I sit under a willow tree by a cool river, and imagine that I am strangling a duck." -- Kotaro Sarai
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Since: 9.12.01
From: ミネアポリス

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#2 Posted on
vsp you're a CRAZY MADMAN and you've almost rekindled my love for the business in such a way that makes me want to immediately start writing again ha ha no but thanks for doing it one more time.

Also, the bit where you cleverly get them to line up by doing the months in reverse is inspired. I should probably close all the threads so they stay that way, but...ah hell I'm wrecking it just by posting THIS, aren't I? Well I can always retroactively fix that I guess



©CRZ™
Pages: 1Thread ahead: Christmas Special!!!!
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I missed the show Thursday, so when I read the recap, I thought to myself, "Naw, Eric couldn't have been that much of a cowardly twit." I saw it last night for myself, & sure enough, the recap was indeedy-do dead-bang accurate. What an idiot!
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