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The W - Guest Columns - 2002 YEAR IN QUOTES - WWF - March
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Andouille








Since: 3.1.02
From: Philly

Since last post: 2948 days
Last activity: 161 days
#1 Posted on
Picks him up, chop, right, chop, right, right, kick, kick, kick, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. I think T's been spending too much time with Test.
WWF RAW 4.3.2002

Coming back LIVE!, Austin is crawling about and refusing all help from the EMTs and refs - crowd chants "Austin" but it ain't helping much. I suppose it's possible Austin is worried that the NWO might try to ram his ambulance with a semi...nahhhhh
WWF RAW 4.3.2002

Goldust hits a clothesline. Into Shattered Dreams position, right, right, back outside for more weaponry - umm, his nuts are RIGHT THERE, Goldie.
WWF RAW 4.3.2002

Goldust grabs the can, Tazz kicks IT into his face. Grabs the lid - Tazz ducks (or is short, take your pick)
WWF RAW 4.3.2002

Hogan adds a scoop...and a battering ram into the ringpost. Ross says "human javelin" and millions of annoying fans sport wood at the thought of the words "lawn dart" - and I consider investing in bullets.
WWF RAW 4.3.2002

"Steph, I need to talk to - HOLY sweet mother of God!" Well, she's covered in hives. Shucks, we didn't see THAT one coming. I'm so glad she found a reason to EMOTE and SCREAM and SCREAM and EMOTE and SCREAM and SHRIEK and EMOTE and PLEASE let's move on
WWF RAW 4.3.2002

Note well that in order to strike his spit take at the most dramatic moment, it only takes H *five seconds* to climb to the top of the cage. Wanna bet he never gets there quicker than TEN during the match proper?
WWF RAW 4.3.2002

WOW! What an EXCITING DOOR!! Hey, notice that the Rock's logo is kind like a SMOKING SKULL - except it's a BURNING COW'S HEAD
WWF SMACKDOWN 7.3.2002

But first, THE ROCK is out and he's got something to say. I'm just guessing on that, actually, but it's a safe guess.
WWF SMACKDOWN 7.3.2002

As the commentators go on and on about how the Rock is a lot more hurt than he lets on, I make a visual check. The number of visible scars, cuts, scrapes, bruises on the person of the Rock after being in an ambulance that was demolished by a semi: zero. Now THAT'S what I call "selling the story!"
WWF SMACKDOWN 7.3.2002

How come Hunter doesn't ask for one of Stephanie's heaving breasts?
WWF SMACKDOWN 7.3.2002

This brings Nash into the ring - Rock ducks, right, right, right, right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT and Nash utterly fails to clear the top rope, then fails to clear the MIDDLE rope, just kinda hooking his leg and attempting to tangle himself in there...how embarrassing for him, except that he's making at least ten or twenty times what I'm making, so who's REALLY embarrassed? (Maybe Vince.)
WWF SMACKDOWN 7.3.2002

Austin tosses Rock a beer, then climbs the corner to swig two of his own. Rock - Rock DEMURELY SIPS his beer, pinky in the air! GIMME A FREAKIN' BREAK, MIKE.
WWF SMACKDOWN 7.3.2002

Maybe they could rename WrestleMania "Starrcade" 'cause this evolving situation sure reminds me of something...
WWF SMACKDOWN 7.3.2002

I'm the biased bastard who unflailingly and unflinchingly praises EVERYTHING the WWF has EVER done, right? Remember that? So If *I* tell you I'm not happy.....shit, isn't it REALLY time to start worrying?
WWF RAW 11.3.2002

Hey, look, it's a dog - and she's talking to Lucy!
WWF RAW 11.3.2002

And there's the Snow Plow on the trashcan! (GOOD OL' JR: "Brainbuster!" Jesus CHRIST Ross, it's only his FUCKING FINISHER)
WWF RAW 11.3.2002

I am EXTREMELY disappointed that Billy & Chuck walked out in cowboy hats last night on Heat and not ONE "Smokin' Gunn" joke was made.
WWF RAW 11.3.2002

Page leaves the commentators and joins Christian to calm him down with some cleansing breaths. Patrick goes outside to break up this confab - and while putting Page away, Chuck comes in with a clothesline on the floor, then throws him in to Billy for the Fame-Ass'er - now with Patrick tending to Chuck, *Page* comes into the ring and gives Billy the Diamond Cutter! And the best part is that SOMEHOW, Patrick completely fails to see this up on the GIANT video screen!
WWF RAW 11.3.2002

GOOD OL' JR pronounces Lita "full of energy. Multi-orgasmic, if you will, in a cosmic sort of way." SEND HIM TO THE GLUE FACTORY ALREADY
WWF RAW 11.3.2002

Hey, I think I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that this match takes about half as long as all these entrances, ads and clips.
WWF RAW 11.3.2002

Ross would rather tell us Lucy has a broken leg than call this match - actually, that might be the best choice.
WWF RAW 11.3.2002

To the locker room, where Hogan and Hall are comparing the size of their biceps - in a strictly heterosexual way, I'm sure.
WWF RAW 11.3.2002

You know, THIS show wasn't that great either. Believe me, I'm not any happier about this than you are.
WWF RAW 11.3.2002

Also, Drowning Pool's "Tear Away" is a WrestleMania theme song. You know what ELSE is a WrestleMania theme song? "Oh oh oh / oh oh oh / WrestleMania"
WWF SMACKDOWN 14.3.2002

Somehow this leads to slapping and catfighting and referees getting involved and lookit Chioda get him some of Trish - you go, boy
WWF SMACKDOWN 14.3.2002

Through the magic of teleportation, Hall is in the ring by the time these clips are done rolling.
WWF SMACKDOWN 14.3.2002

Pair of signs in crowd: "820 DAYS" / "TIL THE OLSEN TWINS ARE LEGAL" Thanks for the heads up.
WWF SMACKDOWN 14.3.2002

As the Y2J Countdown interrupts, I feel it's my duty to point out that Triple H failed to point out that he's survived fifty foot falls from a forklift while in a car - oh well.
WWF SMACKDOWN 14.3.2002

But first...YOU KNOW WHO makes a solo entrance to "Theme from NWO" to the same tumultuous cheers tonight that he received last night at WrestleMania - proving once again that all Canadians are...ah, hell, but I dug that match too.
WWF RAW 18.3.2002

Damn, they're giving away the Backlash main event the night after WrestleMania? Well at least they're not *desperate* yet...
WWF RAW 18.3.2002

By the way, Diamond Dallas Page is a giant suckup - look at his FOZZY T-shirt!
WWF RAW 18.3.2002

Either they don't have an animated graphic of Linda....or...good lord, perhaps that IS the animated graphic!
WWF RAW 18.3.2002

See, Lita is FRESH and EXCITING now because she has a BLACK LIGHT ENTRANCE - black light having been fresh and exciting something like three decades ago.
WWF RAW 18.3.2002

...signalling for the Pound'Ass-er but Stacy comes in with a title belt and gives him a rather feeble clocking - more of a wristwatching, I'd say
WWF RAW 18.3.2002

It's not that his punches have suddenly gotten better this week more than the production team is doing a much better job making sure we don't see how far they are from actually connecting.
WWF RAW 18.3.2002

Welllllllll...let's wait a week and see. At least, let's get back to America and see how the situation plays around here with *normal* fans.
WWF RAW 18.3.2002

Anyway, we're fortunate enough to see Vince McMahon happening to run into him. Set your receptors to ACTING!
WWF SMACKDOWN 21.3.2002

Rico wears a perfect coif, five o'clock shadow, black skintight shirt, black slacks and shoes, and a single earring in his left ear. I think you can draw the obvious conclusion - HE'S A STYLIST.
WWF SMACKDOWN 21.3.2002

Nash is wearing some NICE pants - and by "nice" I mean "funny." Nash looks to be auditioning for one of those samurai movies with his 'do, but I bet I don't have to type "adjusts his hair" a million times for this match, so there's always a silver lining.
WWF SMACKDOWN 21.3.2002

Oh man, nothing - NOTHING says "passion, spark and excitement" than starting this historic show RIGHT off the bat with......LINDA McMAHON!!
WWF RAW 25.3.2002

You know, this thing about Austin - if he really IS unhappy about his direction, there's gonna be some crowing about it from some web folk, and it's gonna suck. If it's all a work, then the WWF is booking to swerve the websites...a strategy that worked SO WELL when it played out on Nitro. Either way, I don't like it.
WWF RAW 25.3.2002

Crowd chants like a bunch of morons.
WWF RAW 25.3.2002

Vince knocks the "Prop What Sits on the Desk for the sole Purpose of Vince Hitting It Away In Anger" off his desk...in anger!
WWF RAW 25.3.2002

"On behalf of WWF SmackDown!, I choose...Chris Benoit." Quickly we fade out before we can hear the smarks in the crowd gasp "OH MY GOD CHRIS BENOIT DID HE SAY CHRIS BENOIT I LUV CHRIS BENOIT I WANT TO MARRY CHRIS BENOIT CHRIS BENOIT CHRIS BENOIT CHRIS BENOIT"
WWF RAW 25.3.2002

The NWO react with...well, not exactly "fear" - more like...well, let me consult the thesaurus..."dashed hopes." Yeah, that's it.
WWF RAW 25.3.2002

Rico has spontaneously grown sideburns between Thursday and now.
WWF RAW 25.3.2002

Q: Say, what's better than giving away the Backlash main event? A: Giving it away two weeks in a row, silly!
WWF RAW 25.3.2002

Check out the clips to admire Rico's Instamuttons!
WWF RAW 25.3.2002

Ross says it's a good thing it wasn't for the tag team titles - yeah, it sure would, GOOD OL' JR, 'cause it'd be REALLY WEIRD seeing the titles on the line in a singles match!
WWF RAW 25.3.2002

TONIGHT: Triple H v. Stephanie v. Chris Jericho! And JR smells a rat! And JR smells a rat! And JR smells a rat! And JR **won't shut up** and stop repeating himself for emphasis!
WWF RAW 25.3.2002

Despite the fact that he was announced at 350, GOOD OL' JR still insists that Lesnar's hefting around "at least 400 pounds" of Rikishi.
WWF RAW 25.3.2002

JR smells a rat - Lawler: "You've said that A HUNDRED TIMES already. I PUT deodorant on!" "Well, you've got that Nicole Kidman shirt on so your nipples are showing--" "Hey!" "--nobody cares." "What are you doing looking at Nicole Kidman's nipples?" "This is cable!" Man, Ross needs to go back to classics like SMELLING YOUR TORSO.
WWF RAW 25.3.2002

JR smells a rat! JR smells a rat! JR smells a rat! Is this what hell is like?
WWF RAW 25.3.2002

Oh look, Triple H is pouring water all over himself! The WWF championship belt almost covers up his entire set of trunks! I actually feel myself becoming more gay by the minute! Ooh, here's the money shot - SPOOOOOOGE!
WWF RAW 25.3.2002

Crowd sings the chorus of "Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye." Heyman was back in what, four months? I'll take that long in the pool.
WWF RAW 25.3.2002

FLAMEBAIT COMMENT: Man, does that Bill O'Reilly dude *really* need to get LAID, or WHAT?
WWF SMACKDOWN 28.3.2002

But T rolls outside...which brings us our BROCK LESNAR & PAUL E. HEYMAN run-in for the evening. There's a belly-to-belly, there's that other move, all Heyman is missing is a "millennium" sign to hold so Lesnar could take a mic and talk about being the master and the ruler of the world.
WWF SMACKDOWN 28.3.2002

When we return, we head to the APA offices, where Faarooq & Bradshaw fail to notice the cameraman go AROUND the door to spy on them - he must be invisible!
WWF SMACKDOWN 28.3.2002

Geez, I hate to say it, 'cause I know Matt Hardy is probably the one wrestler most likely to actually read these words, but...God, how awful. Oh no. No. No.
WWF SMACKDOWN 28.3.2002

Cole, almost in "by the way" fashion, casually announces that two shows have been cancelled. WHOOP WHOOP RED ALERT RED ALERT but everything's hunky-dory, I'm sure.
WWF SMACKDOWN 28.3.2002

CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO (SmackDown! - with EARLIER TONIGHT! - oh God, Matt's acting makes my eyes bleed)
WWF SMACKDOWN 28.3.2002

While referee "Blind" Mike Sparks frees Hardy, here comes Lita from the opposite corner with the Cheatacanrana - Cole promises it's the last time we'll see it on SmackDown! so thank heaven for small favours.
WWF SMACKDOWN 28.3.2002

Also announced: RAW will be cut to one hour and air on Friday nights right before "Rollerjam."
WWF SMACKDOWN 28.3.2002

To the APA party card game we go, where the following violations occur - Bradshaw calls the Big Valbowski "Val Venis," Godfather & Funaki are in the room despite not being drafted by either side, and cliche after cliche after cliche: Tajiri wins the hand so Torrie has to strip...which means she removes her waist jewelry thing that only pornstars wear, Christian throws a tantrum, and Faarooq says "Damn." Also, when I saw Booker T, I first thought "Hey! K-Kwik is back!" but I was wrong.
WWF SMACKDOWN 28.3.2002

"Last party, eh?" "Yeah." "Heh." "It's been a good run, huh?" "Yes, it was. Went out the same way we came in." "Yeah....we did." They go out their door. "Wow." "Hard to believe." Bradshaw turns the open sign to "Sorry, we're closed." "Thank you." "It's been real, bro." Handshake. "Thank you." The lights go out except for a spotlight on the door....and then a single voice cries out "You came in with the Jackyl!! Remember the Jackyl?! WHY did he put you together in the first place?! WHY???????" Actually, that voice was mine, so it probably didn't come through on YOUR TV.
WWF SMACKDOWN 28.3.2002




"When I feel depressed, I sit under a willow tree by a cool river, and imagine that I am strangling a duck." -- Kotaro Sarai
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I hope that crow tastes good.
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