The Recap for TNA Impact 5.13.2011, taped from the Impact Zone in Orlando, FL.
We open the show with Hogan and a lead pipe. Apparently Hogan's grand plan is to kill the network representative, which Bischoff rightly points out is fucking stupid. Hogan agrees, and Bischoff suggests they "play the game." Hogan leaves, presumably to play the game.
The Jarretts head down to the ring to call a truce, and this time the offer's sincere. If you have to say that, it doesn't say a lot about your track record, does it? Anyway, Jarrett points out that Karen would never hurt a fly and that she shouldn't be in a match at Sacrifice. I agree with him, though probably not for the reasons he was aiming at. Karen says everything's been for Angle and basically says how awesome she is. Even the restraining order is for Angle's own good. Eventually Kurt has enough and comes out to say that it's over. Karen should've learned not to push him after being married to him for 10 years. That's such a heel line, implied threats and all. Kurt questions why he married her in the place. He says that she'll take Jarrett for all he has, and when he figures it out, it'll be too late. He pushes the mixed tag at Sacrifice and says his mistress deserves a proper introduction so he'll reveal her later. He says Jarrett knows her. I have bad memories of Jarrett-Chyna match as well. Thanks for re-igniting those, Kurt! 1 for 1. Would've been better if JJ and Karen didn't go on so long without a point, but it's still a nice enough segment.
Match 1: Mickie James and Miss Tessmacher v Madison Rayne and Tara: Madison is especially delicious in red today. The story here is that Tara likes Mickie because Mickie wants to get her out of the contract with Rayne, and Madison...well...doesn't. Tessmacher is out there just to make up the numbers and provide the T&A. Madison takes over with a kick to the head but Tessmacher (who I'm not sure was legal) rolls her up with a victory roll in about 2 minutes. 1 for 2. Too short to be any good, though the story progression was nice.
Flair walks into Hogan's office, but Hogan goes off on him, saying he's the network rep because he cancelled a doctor's appointment. Flair points out that he's being fucking stupid, which must be the recurring theme of the night. Hogan and Flair then kiss and make up, and Bischoff advises them to focus on the task at hand.
Tara talks to a camera, telling us that she can't wait to be free of Madison Rayne. Unfortunately Madison hears some of it and promises her that her life will be hell when she's done beating Mickie.
Tommy Dreamer walks into the arena and gets pestered by people asking him questions about his attack on AJ Styles. Dreamer says it's personal and basically refuses to answer. AJ Styles shows up to coax something out of him, but Dreamer just calls him young and innocent. AJ says he has a family too and thinks it's about Ray and Dreamer all the way from EV2.0. At least someone remembers that stable! AJ eventually gives up and decides to challenge Dreamer to a match at Sacrifice instead. Tommy doesn't want that, so AJ calls him out on backing out, saying the real Tommy wouldn't do that. I'll bet it's just Bully Ray in one of those MI-2 masks! Dreamer says to walk a mile in his shoes before he judges him. I guess the match is still on.
Sting is taking some pictures with the belt and he puts over RVD, saying he hopes he's fast enough to deal with him. He also puts over the Network Rep. Company man, Sting. 2 for 3.Well, that was a whole lot of promo right there, but most of it was right and moved along quite a few storylines. The problem is stacking them together like this just makes the lack of wrestling stand out.
I should mention at this point that we're getting a lot of video packages this week, probably more than I've seen in TNA before. And they're actually pretty hit-or-miss today. Usually the techies in the back used to be TNA's one consistent plus point, but looks like they're having an off day today.
Beer Money are out to find out about Matt Hardy's mystery partner. Roode looks rather snazzy in that suit. They imply it must be Jeff Hardy. Matt Hardy comes out to tell Roode that he earned his respect with that speech last week, and that he'll be taking him seriously now. Then all of a sudden he gets on Storm for being a slovenly drunk, totally changing tracks. Crowd regales him with a "boring" chant. Storm cuts him off and tells him to get to the fucking point. Ok, I just wished that. Instead they argue over who's insulting whom. Storm promises to punch Hardy in the face, take his girl home and do her while Matt watches, AFTER Matt's brought him beer. Excellent! (Though I thought Edge already did that. Sorry, couldn't resist.) Finally that gets Matt to reveal the partner, who is Chris Harris. And unfortunately he looks in worse shape than when he was Braden Walker. When you're in the worst shape in a group of people that also includes Matt Hardy, you know you're in trouble. 2 for 4 This dragged, and I question the choice of Chris Harris purely on the basis of his condition.
Match 2: Sangriento v Suicide: This is a rematch from last week. Sangriento's frilly yellow fake hair prevents me from taking him seriously at all. Of course, it's apparently just Amazing Red in a mask. Sangriento controls the early going until Suicide boots him down and punches him. They chop it out until Suicide gets caught in a DDT for 2. Sangriento splats on a senton, allowing Suicide to get a 2-count from a nifty suplex, until he suddenly falls victim to the Springboard Cutter in about 4 minutes. 3 for 5. More flow than last week and a decent contest which the crowd was into. Is it still Daniels under the Suicide mask?
Flair, Hogan, and Bischoff come out and Flair ball-kicks Suicide for reasons known only to him. Hogan rants for a bit and calls out the Network Rep. It turns out to be Mick Foley, who says he's been watching Immortal's downward spiral ever since Hardy went down and Sting came back. He vows to never let Hogan gain control of TNA, and then re-iterates the need of wrestling on a wrestling show. Not that I have any hope that TNA will ever consistently achieve that, but you could call this a show of intent. He hits the ring to shove Bischoff and dares Hogan to hit him. Anyone who touches him will be fired! Foley says they must go back to wrestling, and renames the show Impact Wrestling on Spike. In accordance, TNA's website is now prominently blue. He announces a 25-man battle royal to determine a new #1 contender, thereby screwing over Mr. Anderson again. Oh, and he also introduces Kurt's mistress, Chyna. She looks more hideous than before. Perhaps more hideous than ever Chris Harris. 4 for 6 I'm torn on where this will go, but I'm willing to give it the benefit of the doubt for now. But dear god, Chyna?
Anderson calls out Foley for holding him back. It's true.
Match 3: Abyss v Crimson v Samoa Joe: Abyss is missing some teeth. Crimson and Abyss go at it while Joe chills out, then he attacks both of them. Then Crimson and Joe go at each other before Joe powerslams him. Abyss nails him with the Black Hole Slam, however. Crimson spears Abyss and pins Joe in 3 minutes. 4 for 7. Nothing match. Postmatch, Joe leaves Abyss to beat on Crimson.
RVD says he'll be watching the Battle Royal, looking for future opponents.
Match 4: 25-Man Battle Royal for the #1 Contendership for the TNA World Title: The 25 people are Fortune, Hardy, Gunner, Ray, Morgan, British Invasion, Ink Inc, Jordan and Young, Steiner, Pope, Jarrett, Angle, D-Von, Dreamer, Mexican America, Anderson, and Robbie E. I can't recap all this, so I'll grab the highlights. Morgan makes all the initial eliminations. EY acts stupid and steals Gunner's title after a double elimination. Ray dumps Steiner, who dumped Morgan after *he* dumped Hernandez. Dreamer tosses AJ and high-fives Ray, so Ray tosses him. Dreamer gets his ass handed to him by AJ. The final four are Ray, Angle, JJ, and Anderson. Ray and Anderson fall through the ropes, so Angle goes medieval on Jarrett, until Karen distracts him and JJ dumps him. Jarrett thinks he's won like an idiot, so Chyna runs out and dumps him. That was so much logic fail in so little time. Anderson and Ray go at it, but Anderson's Senton hits knees. Ray looks to dump him but the fight on the apron goes the way of Anderson, and he's your winner in 28 minutes. 5 for 8. I enjoyed this, it was a nice way to highlight multiple stories heading into the PPV. A nice tool to get some wrestling and move some stories on a go-home show.
Sting, RVD, and Anderson all chime in with their thoughts on the title match on PPV and that's how we're gonna close this show.
Wrestling Counter: 37 minutes.
Overall: 5 for 8: A decent go-home show, that brought along a few surprises. I don't mind Chyna so much because she actually popped the crowd, which must be a sign of a surprise that worked. They could do a lot worse than Foley as Network Rep, though it doesn't resolve their already muddled leadership/management situation. Chris Harris is the worst of the bunch, and I'm not looking forward to him wrestling at all, and I was a big AMW mark back in the day. It's too early to judge the promise of taking the show back to wrestling, but this was the kind of show that did a good job of getting you hyped about the upcoming PPV.
Chris Harris returning is one of those things that should be an easy home run, but then he has to show up looking like he went from the unemployment line to the buffet line. This is the first shot he's gotten at national TV exposure in years. Would it kill him to get in decent shape?
Jeff Jarrett! Chyna! It's a rehash of an old 1999 feud! And when you consider that nobody cared back then for this feud, you can see why I'm not thrilled about this development.
So Crimson wipes out Abyss, but decides to pin...Joe. Ok, then. Thanks for showing up, Joe!
The Impact Wrestling era feels...the same as the last several eras. It's still the same nonsensical crap.
I guess that Foley did such a good role as majority shareholder... that we'll see the exact same story line.
Oh, that's right, we're not supposed to remember these things.
Glad Impact Wrestling is about wrestling though - it sure looked like it with the three throwaway matches and a battle royal that pretty much put over the same guy that's been number one contender for, like, the past two months.
Impact is a weird spot. Chris Harris and Chyna are both genuine surprises, but I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I was hoping they would end RVD/Sting/Anderson before Slammiversary, yet it continues. My great hope and which has been for awhile now is they start fresh. Yet, I see no way that is possible with the current writing staff. Sacrifice looks like the same card, we have seen since March. There needs to be changes and Hogan or Flair getting in the ring is not one of them. I did cringe with Anderson doing the Benoit 2004 Rumble ending to win the battle royal. Foley will walk out in August if Vince offers him something like the HOF and either a part in the Rock/Cena storyline or the mystery GM spot or something. If there is no offer from Vince then I think he will stay, because its the sane thing to do.
Originally posted by It's FalseChris Harris returning is one of those things that should be an easy home run, but then he has to show up looking like he went from the unemployment line to the buffet line. This is the first shot he's gotten at national TV exposure in years. Would it kill him to get in decent shape?
On the other hand, Matt Hardy looks better than he has in a year or so. He also did a pretty good job on the promo. It's a shame he didn't have this transformation in WWE.
Harris is a nice throwback to the pre-Hogan days (and a strong angle against Beer Money), but his return was overshadowed by Chyna's arrival. I have to hand it to TNA for revealing these on free TV instead of a PPV. It breaks the mold.
The lucahdore match was videogame-tastic.
"To be the man, you gotta beat demands." -- The Lovely Mrs. Tracker
Poor AJ is right back where he was six months ago trying to carry Tommy Dreamer's crippled ass to a good match. TNA has so much talent not on the PPV and with nothing to do but they find something for Tommy to do. I had almost forgotten that Devon was still around. The whole Chyna thing is sad. I had hoped that Chyna would only be around for a few dates but the reaction she got probably bought her six months. Poor Daniels is pretty much lost in the shuffle again. Yay a Eric Young-Gunner program coming up! As if the TV title wasn't worthless enough. From what I understand the whole Chris Harris thing is leading to a AMW reunion with Roode getting a singles push. We'll see, I'd bet on them dropping the ball on him too. Joe is sucha jobber. Crimson does nothing for me.
I just felt sorry for Harris. I've been wanting to come back since Beer Money formed, but he looks horrible. Knowing TNA they called him the day before.
The audience was really into Chyna, but can this be anything other than a train wreck. You'd think they'd learn about dealing with performers with past substance issues with Xpac, and Scott Hall, and Jeff Hardy, and Xpac again, and Scott Hall, and Jeff Hardy...
Originally posted by geemoneyWho knows how long he had to prepare, though.
Isn't he a professional wrestler? Shouldn't he have been prepared as part of his job? Didn't he already do this once?
I guess. I have no idea what he's been doing lately or if he's been active.
I thought I heard that he had been fairly active on the indy scene since WWE cut him. If so, there really is no excuse to look so bloated. If you are an indy guy, surely you would hope to get another shot at the big time, and it might benefit you to stay in shape. Hell, I remember when many people though Harris was the future face of TNA around 2004-05. I always liked him, and it is sad to see him like that. Maybe he was injured and couldn’t work out?
Liked graves9, I thought maybe this would lead to an AMW reunion too so Roode could get a push, but I just don’t know. Then again, we haven’t seen him with his shirt off yet, perhaps the bloating is just in the face? probably not.
"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
It's not as stupid as other comments here, but I once heard a guy say that the current Undertaker is not the same man as the "original" Undertaker, and that in fact the guy who played the "original" Undertaker now wrestles as Kane.