Strong Style Typings Know Your Enemies 2007 Soliloquy With a Superstar
I had the chance to chat with Superstar Shayne Hawke recently. Actually he did not give me much choice in the matter.
Llakor I am here with “Le Maudit Roux” himself, Supertstar Shayne Hawke.
Shit-Hawke First of all, stop calling me Maudit Roux, you RACIST.
Llakor Right. So following your crushing defeat at the hands of Fred la Merveille at Un F’N Sanctioned 2007.
Shit-Hawke Wrong. That was a moral victory.
Llakor Moral victory? WHAT?
Shit-Hawke First of all, I was outnumbered.
Llakor Wait a minute. You had Above Standards as referees.
Shit-Hawke Aren’t you the one that is always saying that Above Standards are so incompetent, that they are like subtracting help rather than adding.
Llakor I guess.
Shit-Hawke OK. So, watch. We start with me. I’m one. Minus Above Standards leaves me at minus one. Fred on the other side is one. Mark le Grizzly counts as two. Kenny the Bastard counts as a half. Viking counts as one.
Llakor But Viking didn’t even interfere in the match. He came out after it was over!
Shit-Hawke True, but I knew he was coming. So he counts. So, one plus two plus one half plus one makes carry the one equals seven and one half to minus one.
Llakor I think my calculator just exploded.
Shit-Hawke See! I am lucky to be alive. Just surviving that Quebec Rules match counts as a moral victory. Not to mention that even outnumbered 8 and two thirds to the square root of negative one, I was still going to win that match until Fred came up with the rules for the periods.
Llakor Well, that’s an extremely slanted version of events...
Shit-Hawke Plus you will notice that we did not have a third period.
Llakor That much is true.
Shit-Hawke Or overtime. Or the shoot-out. Where was my shoot-out Llakor? Cause you know I am invincible in a shoot-out!
Llakor You’re seriously calling yourself a shooter?
Shit-Hawke I dare you to say that Fred is a shooter. I double-dare you!
Llakor ...
Shit-Hawke Can’t do it can you? Everybody knows that Fred can score BUT HE CAN’T SHOOT!
Llakor ...
Shit-Hawke Cat got your tongue?
Llakor I am trying to avoid agreeing with you.
Shit-Hawke See! You know that I am right!
Llakor All right fine. What do you have planned for Fred to follow up on your “moral victory”
Shit-Hawke Only dorks make air quotes Llakor. I am done with Fred. I beat him - morally - and everybody knows it. I am moving on.
Llakor Oh I see. I take it that you will be fighting Mark le Grizzly to get revenge for the Quebec Rules Match.
Shit-Hawke Oh I want revenge all right Llakor, but I can’t fight Mark le Grizzly.
Llakor What? Why not?
Shit-Hawke First of all, Mark le Grizzly is retired.
Llakor Actually, he has made a comeback recently...
Shit-Hawke STOP. Is Mark le Grizzly not the most respected trainer in this province?
Llakor Yes.
Shit-Hawke Do you respect Mark le Grizzly, Llakor?
Llakor Of course I do.
Shit-Hawke Then why are you calling him a LIAR?
Llakor I did no such thing.
Shit-Hawke Mark le Grizzly said that he was done, finished, retired. I respect the man. If he said it, it must be true. Besides, he is fat and I am athletic.
Llakor What does that have to do with anything?
Shit-Hawke Do you want the man to have a heart attack and die? You want Mark le Grizzly DEAD!
Llakor No I don’t.
Shit-Hawke AND, Grizzlies are Endangered Species. Not allowed to fight them. There are laws.
Llakor WHAT? He’s not a real...
Shit-Hawke Are you trying to make me into a criminal Llakor?
Llakor No.
Shit-Hawke And there are the signs. “Don’t Feed the Bear!” I am not feeding this Bear Llakor!
Llakor All right fine. So I take it you are challenging Viking?
Shit-Hawke Nope. As much as I want to be IWS champion and as easily as I could beat Viking, I can’t face him.
Llakor This I have to hear.
Shit-Hawke The man is clearly deranged. I mean look at what he did at Un F’N Sanctioned 2007. He jumped off a perfectly good balcony on to EXesS while the crowd was body-surfing him. Is that the actions of a sane man?
Llakor It was a little nutty.
Shit-Hawke See. I have morals Llakor. I don’t beat up on the mentally ill. The man is sick. He needs our help. Plus a padded room and a nice white jacket with buckles on the sleeves that fasten in the back. Besides, I have a note from my doctor. I am allergic to nutters. Gives me a rash.
Llakor So, who are you planning on fighting?
Shit-Hawke I prefer to think of it as ANIMAL TRAINING.
Llakor Wait don’t tell me.
Shit-Hawke That twisted freak Kenny the Bastard has humped his last leg Llakor. He’s shit in his last gym bag. I am putting down that lizard for good.
Llakor Kenny is known as being one of the hardest to subdue wrestlers in the IWS.
Shit-Hawke Subdue? I am going to NEUTER him. Then I am going to put that damn amphibian to sleep for good and FOR EVER. Mark my words Llakor. I am taking him out and not for a nice walk around the park either.
Llakor The Master of Distortion against the Flying Lizard.
Shit-Hawke Someone find Kenny the Bastard a dictionary and look up the word “Enemy” for him.
Llakor I guess he’ll find a picture of you?
Shit-Hawke No, you moron, he’ll find a definition of the word “Enemy”. Of course he can’t read it so someone will have to do it for him. Kenny the Bastard, you have until next Saturday to KNOW YOUR “ENEMY”!
Llakor Kenny the Bastard vs le Maudit Roux SHIT-HAWKE!
Strong Style Typings Know Your Enemies 2007 Tag Team Turmoil
It takes two GREAT teams to make a GREAT match and in one corner, we have one of the greatest teams in the history of the International Wrestling Syndicate. Trained by Jacques Rougeau, tested by the fire of the insane hardcore of the IWS and loved by the fans, they are the Technical Wizard of the IWS, Kid Kamikaze and the Master of the Ass Punch, the colourful clown prince of the IWS, Beef Wellington.
Beef Wellington with an almost stalker like intensity has reformed Hi-5 insisting that Double K is his BFF, “Best Friend Forever”. Kid Kamikaze has been less enthusiastic. but lately the two men have appeared to be actually working together as a team. Why backstage at Un F’N Sanctioned 2007 Kid Kamikaze actually smiled!
The question other teams have to ask themselves is: How dangerous will Hi-5 get if they actually begin working off the same page as a united force?
And Hi-5 will need to be united, if they wish to survive their challenge at Know Your Enemies 2007.
Sometimes, in wrestling history there comes a team so physically intimidating, so devastating in their offence that it becomes difficult if not impossible to gauge how good they really are. Other teams show up at the show, look at the booking sheet and suddenly develop a life threatening case of the quivers. I have seen grown men play hide and seek from their promoter trying to no-show when they were already in the building. I have seen men running for the parking lot, keys in their mouth, one half-laced wrestling boot on one foot, the other foot slipping in the April slush, their bare ass hanging out of their half-pulled up wrestling trunks as sheer terror adds wings to their feet.
They are known by many names: the Masters of Disaster, the Princes of Pain, the Titans of Terror, Wrench and Pipe, Siegfied and Roy, but most of all, men quake, women faint, small children squeal, hardened criminals sing and all who know fear burn in the presence of...
Twigzilla and the Juaninantor.
WAIT! WAIT! You got that wrong.
You sure?
Yeah, Juan lost the coin flip.
OK. Where was I?
All who know fear...
Right. Right.
All who know fear BURN in the presence of...
Juanzilla and the Twigginator!
They are climbing the mountain of success. Heading for the glory of the gold. Driving down the highway with the accelerator pedal pushed to the floor and the horn blaring and there is only one word to describe anyone ANYONE who dares to get in their way...
ROAD. KILL.
That’s two words.
So, I can’t count. Sue me.
All right. Let’s wrap this up. Desperate Housewives is about to start.
Saturday, April 28th, 2007
KNOW YOUR ENEMIES
A Kid Kamikaze Joint. A Beef Wellington Production.
Hi-5 vs the ROCK and the COCK EXPRESS.
Get your luggage ready. This VICTORY TRAIN is leaving the station!
This promo paid for by the Committee to elect the Rock and Cock Express IWS Tag Team champions.
The IWS presents: Know Your Enemies 2007, Saturday, April 28th, 2007 at Bogey’s World Bar & Billiard, 3250 Cremazie Est (corner of Cremazie and St-Michel near the St-Michel metro), Montreal, Quebec, CANADA. Doors open at 7:00pm, show starts at 8:00pm, tickets are $20 for VIP, $15 for Regular. 18+, card and times subject to change. For more information go to www.syndicatewrestling.com or e-mail Llakor@hotmail.com .
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I am a fan of both Sabu and Rob Van Dam. But that match epitomized every complaint that critics have against them. Each spot just seemed like "Oh no! I'm out of place! Let me just move 3 steps to the right.... there we go.
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