On behalf of all the staff and roster of the International Wrestling Syndicate allow me to wish all of the fans of the IWS the very best of Holidays, no matter how you celebrate them...
An IWS Hardcore Ninja Shinto Chrismukkah
For the following narrative, I was fortunate to be helped by the Hardcore Ninjaz official translator, the Motivator of Madness.
’Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the Hardcore Ninjaz’ house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse…
Largely because the Evil Ninja was testing the sharpness of his sword by cutting the heads off any mouse dumb enough to stick his head out of it’s hole.
“We could just get a cat,” observed Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“I don’t like cats. Don’t trust them. They’re evil,” replied his brother.
“Well, okay, I agree that cats are evil. But you are EVIL too! Don’t likes attract or something?” wondered the bewildered Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“No, see, because they are evil and I’m evil, I know that I can’t trust them and cats know that they can’t trust me and they don’t like me either. Haven’t you ever wondered why I tag with you?” asked the Evil Ninja.
“Because you’re my brother and Mom makes me do it…” answered Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“Because I look good in white…”
“Because I’m the only one who has been dropped on his head enough times to be dumb enough to tag with you?” continued Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“HEY! That’s not true, I’ve tagged with both Manny and the Arsenal…”
Hardcore Ninja Number One just stared at his brother.
“All right good point. But besides that. I know that you are such a neurotic goody-two-shoes twenty four karat Pollyanna that you would never dream of betraying me,” said the Evil Ninja.
“If that’s your twisted way of saying thank you for having your back… You’re welcome.”
“Anyway, point is, no cats. I would rather have one of those little dogs that Samurai kept in their sleeves to warn them of avalanches,” rumbled the Evil Ninja.
“Oh. Because we are in such danger of avalanches from Mount Royal. Dude, there isn’t a patch of snow anywhere in Montreal.”
“That’s not the point. Point is that those dogs are cool. Besides they are good for warning you of ambushes. Always useful in wrestling.” Said the Evil Ninja.
“Ambushes are our gimmick. We ambush other wrestlers, not the other way around. Besides, you have got me to watch your back remember?” retorted Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“Like that was so useful at Season’s Beatings. If you were doing such a good job of watching my back, how come we aren’t IWS tag team champions anymore?” the Evil Ninja asked angrily.
“I already apologized for that.”
“I can still smell burning skin. Which is bad enough… only it’s my OWN burning skin that I am smelling. Fucking Flaming Tables. Fucking Green Phantom. Didn’t I tell you? No gimmick matches on the last show of the year. That’s how we lost the titles back in 2003. Remember that stupid Barbed Wire Ladder Match?” ranted the Evil Ninja.
“How could I forget? You broke my jaw with a super-kick for Christmas.”
“We don’t celebrate Christmas,” interjected the Evil Ninja.
“My Christmas dinner was a pureed turkey shake.”
“We don’t celebrate Christmas,” interjected the Evil Ninja, again.
“I suppose I should be thankful that you didn’t super-kick me again,” continued Hardcore Ninja Number One ignoring his brother.
“Believe me, I thought about it. And for the last fucking time… WE DON’T CELEBRATE…”
“Speaking of Christmas, why haven’t we picked up a Christmas tree yet? The pickings are going to be awfully slim if we don’t step on it,” said Hardcore Ninja Number One, interrupting his brother.
“First of all, we don’t have a Fucking Christmas Tree, because we just lost our titles in a Fucking Christmas Tree Death Match and I don’t want to be reminded of Fucking Christmas Trees…”
“Christmas Trees Fuck? I thought they were plants?” mused Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“Getting closer to that super-kick all the time bro. Secondly, and most importantly, we don’t have a Christmas Tree because WE DON’T CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS!” shouted an exasperated Evil Ninja.
“Why don’t we celebrate Christmas?” asked Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“Because, you moron, we’re Japanese. We aren’t even Christian. We are followers of Shinto,” explained the Evil Ninja.
Just as it appeared that the two brothers were about to come to blows, their front doorbell rang. When Hardcore Ninja Number One opened the door, he found Beef Wellington and Kid Kamikaze standing there.
“Hey, it’s Hi-5. Come in guys,” said Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“That Japanese phrase book that Jimmy Stone’s girlfriend gave me for the holidays is going to come in real handy,” said Beef.
“YOU! It’s your damn fault that we lost the titles!” roared the Evil Ninja.
“Now, be nice to our Christmas guests,” pleaded Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“One, they aren’t our guests, they invited themselves over. Two, this tasselled idiot getting pinned cost us our titles. Three, WE DON’T CELEBRATE FUCKING CHRISTMAS!” counted off the Evil Ninja.
“Actually, neither do we,” interjected Beef Wellington.
“You don’t?” asked Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“No, we’re Jewish. We celebrate Hanukkah,” confirmed Kid Kamikaze.
“And it’s because we sort of feel guilty about getting pinned at Season’s Beatings…” continued Beef Wellington.
“Speak for yourself,” said Kid Kamikaze.
“Right. Well, I felt guilty over losing you two guys the IWS tag team titles. So, in the Hanukkah spirit…” said Beef Wellington.
“Which was actually over three days ago…” pointed out the ever precise Kid Kamikaze.
“Right. Anyway, in the spirit of Hanukkah, we brought you over some Hanukkah gifts,” finished Beef Wellington.
“Gosh. That’s swell of you guys, really. But we don’t really celebrate Hanukkah. Apparently, we don’t even celebrate Christmas,” admitted Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“Shut Up! We may not celebrate it, but I’m not passing up gifts either. Pass over the loot Jew,” ordered the Evil Ninja.
“You’ll have to forgive my brother. He’s not used to getting gifts this time of year,” said Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“Plus, he’s evil,” observed Kid Kamikaze.
“Yes, well there’s that too,” said Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“Less Talking. More loot,” commanded the Evil Ninja.
“Right, well first of all, I have some Pure Filth clothing for you,” started Beef Wellington.
“A K-Fed T-shirt!” exclaimed Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“Not one of my best sellers,” admitted Beef.
“Lucky bastard,” grumbled the Evil Ninja.
“You got one too,” pointed out Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“Right, plus you’ll notice that on the back of the shirt I’ve added his new ‘Fed-X’ logo,” continued Beef.
“I meant Kevin Federline, you morons,” corrected the Evil Ninja.
“But Britney Spears dumped him. Why is he a lucky bastard?” wondered Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“Because he was a barely employed back-up dancer who got to fuck Britney Spears, you moron, and frankly, ruined her for the rest of men,” explained the Evil Ninja.
“Pretty bad when people are begging you NOT to go commando,” agreed Kid Kamikaze.
“Moving on. The fashion accessory that every wrestler needs…” said Beef.
“TASSLES!” exclaimed Hardcore Ninja Number One!
“Thought you would like those,” said Beef smugly.
“Stylish black too. Goes with everything,” admired Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“Actually those are for your brother. The white ones are yours,” corrected Kid Kamikaze.
“That makes more sense,” admitted Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“This is a bit of a cliché, but the holidays are all about traditions…” continued Beef.
“SOCKS! Heavy woolen socks! That’s great Beef,” thanked Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“Like we don’t know how to find Rossi’s,” grumbled the Evil Ninja.
“Well, their security does tend to freak out when we come in wearing our masks,” pointed out Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“And the piece de resistance…” teased Beef.
“Oh hey! A fire extinguisher!” exclaimed Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“Aloe Vera flavour,” Beef pointed out.
“Great for skin burns,” said Kid Kamikaze.
“A couple of weeks late don’t you think?” grumbled the Evil Ninja.
“Be nice. It’s the thought that counts. Besides its not like it’s the last time someone is going to try and set us on fire,” said Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“I still think I should kick Beef’s ass for losing us the titles,” muttered the Evil Ninja.
“Hey. Fill your boots big guy. Any time. Anywhere. Only, I’m not wearing my street fight tassels right this second. These are my gift-giving tassels,” replied Beef.
“Man, Saturday Night Live was right with that Hanukkah Harry sketch. Hanukkah gifts do suck,” said Dan Paysan from the open doorway.
The IWS Canadian Champion was wearing a T-shirt with a picture of Jimmy Stone’s girlfriend on it and the slogan underneath: “Jimmy, I had her first.”
“Really?” asked the Evil Ninja.
“Absolutely. Socks? T-shirts? Tassels? A Fire Extinguisher? Where do you do your Hanukkah shopping? At a dollar store?” enquired the Dapper Don.
“Actually, I was wondering if it was true that you had her first,” said the Evil Ninja pointing at Dan’s T-shirt.
“Yes. Well, to be truthful, Ric Flair had her first. Then Randy Savage. Then Franky the Mobster. But, I had her FOURTH would make a lousy T-shirt and in any case, I had her waaaaaaay before Jimmy,” said Dan.
“Assuming that he’s even had her at all,” said Kid Kamikaze.
Everyone laughed. Even Hardcore Ninja Number One who usually disliked that kind of humour.
“So, if those gifts sucked, what did you bring me?” demanded the Evil Ninja.
“Don’t you mean what did he bring us?” asked Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“Like I give a shit what he brought you. I’m all about ME! ME! ME! ME!” said the Evil Ninja.
“How could I forget?” replied his weary brother.
“Well, I hate to say this, but you’re going to have to share these presents. Hey boys! You can bring them up, now,” Dan yelled out the open door.
A few seconds later a huge box seemed to walk in the door under its own power. Underneath the box could be seen two stick-like legs.
“Put the box over in the corner, Twiggy,” ordered Dan.
Right behind Twiggy, Pornstar Juan staggered in the door with an equally large box.
“You know Dan, when you told me that you were going to help me get my fingers into some boxes for Christmas, this is NOT quite what I had in mind,” complained Juan.
“Let’s finish unloading the truck guys. We don’t have all day,” ordered Dan.
“These are big boxes, Dan. Very cool. Let’s see Twiggy’s box has bottles of… Brio?” asked Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“The Italian Soda,” confirmed Dan.
“Hmmmm… let’s see and Juan’s box has… Ragu?” continued Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“Can’t have Christmas without some gravy, right?” asked Dan.
“I hate to keep saying this, but we don’t celebrate Christmas.” said the Evil Ninja.
“Right. And glass houses Dan? These are not exactly thrilling gifts.” interjected Kid Kamikaze.
“Point,” agreed the Evil Ninja.
“Not to mention that Ragu is not exactly top grade Italian gravy, Dan. As I recall during our feud in 2004, you said that the only thing this shit was good for was for breaking over my head. I mean would you serve your grand-mother this crap?” asked Beef.
“First of all, these two guys are Japanese not Italians. Think that they can tell the difference between this and the good stuff? Second, my grandmother makes her own gravy, I don’t need store bought. Finally, this isn’t really store bought. Sometimes, you don’t really get to choose what falls off the truck, know what I mean?” replied Dan.
“OK. Gangway, coming through, heavy load.” Said Twiggy from the doorway backing through with a 60’ plasma flat screen.
“…And I think that just about blows your whole Dan’s gifts suxxors theory right out of the water,” said Dan smugly.
“COOL!” exclaimed Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“I have to admit that I am mildly impressed,” admitted the Evil Ninja.
“Dude, that son-of-a-bitch is big enough to bury you in. I mean it’s not deep enough, but it’s definitely tall and wide enough,” said Beef.
“Yeah, I’ve been hitting the weights,” said Twiggy flexing.
“If anyone asks, it came with your condo right. And I was here ALL DAY playing poker,” said Dan.
“We don’t actually play poker, Dan,” said Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“Good. That would explain why you lost so much money playing poker,” said Dan.
“Lost so much money?” asked Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“Yeah. Give me a hundred bucks,” said Dan.
Scratching his head, Hardcore Ninja Number One gave Dan five twenties. Dan peeled off two twenties and handed one each to Twiggy and Juan, “For the delivery,” and peeled off another twenty and handed it to the Evil Ninja, pocketing the remainder.
“HEY! Wait a minute! Why does he get Twenty Dollars?” asked Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“It’s what I won at poker,” explained the Evil Ninja.
“But you don’t know poker any more than I do,” protested Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“Yeah, but I’m EVIL. I cheat,” said the Evil Ninja.
“What he said,” agreed Dan.
“All Your Base Belong To Us!” said Player Uno from the still open door.
“I guess it’s a good thing that we are having such a warm winter,” observed Kid Kamikaze.
“Uno! Merry Christmas!” exclaimed Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“MULTI-KILL!” agreed Player Uno.
“Are these boxes for me?” asked Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“The terrorists win!” confirmed Player Uno
“Hmmm… let’s see. We have some Drano?” wondered Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“Makes sense. Uno is a plumber.” Pointed out Kid Kamikaze.
“The Last Metroid is in captivity. The galaxy is at peace,” agreed Uno.
“And let’s see… An original Nintendo console. Gosh, that’s swell, Uno.” Said Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“If by swell, you mean the swelled head that this green goomba plumber is going to have when I bounce this piece of shit console off his skull repeatedly, then YEAH! Where the hell is my Nintendo WII you cheap bastard?” roared the Evil Ninja grabbing Uno around the neck.
“Your ancestors are weeping,” gasped Uno.
“I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to find this place. I should have known that I just needed to follow the smell of testosterone,” said Vanessa Kraven from the doorway.
“You’re not exactly immune to testosterone poisoning yourself,” replied the quick-witted Twiggy.
“Don’t make me kick your ass Twiggy, I just had these boots cleaned. Besides, with me it’s not testosterone, it’s just very aggressive estrogen. Oh put Uno down you big bully,” said Vanessa Kraven grabbing the Evil Ninja and taking his attention off Uno by taking him in her muscular arms and kissing him deep and long.
“Does this mean that you will finally go out with me?” asked the Evil Ninja catching his breath.
“No,” said Vanessa Kraven dropping the Evil Ninja to the floor. “I like bad boys, but I like teasing them even more. And if you ever try slipping me some tongue again, you’re going to lose the tongue.”
“I know. Isn’t it just. Here, Number One, this is your gift. I didn’t get a chance to wrap it,” said thrusting a white package at Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“It’s a scarf. NICE! Ummm… doesn’t appear that you had a chance to finish it though. In fact the needles and the remaining wool are still here on the end,” said Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“Yeah. I got bored knitting ring side,” said Vanessa Kraven.
“This is a very interesting red pattern on the scarf and ummm… it seems to be on the needles too,” commented Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“Oh Yeah. That’s Sayuri’s blood. I was knitting to catch her off guard before I attacked her back stage at the Battle Angels,” explained Vanessa Kraven.
“Gosh. A wrestling momento…” said Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“Or a piece of evidence in an ongoing criminal investigation,” said Kid Kamikaze.
“Or that, right. I will cherish it always,” said Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“You do that. There is a certain humourless Japanese worshipping American District Attorney that I would rather not get his hands on that,” said Vanessa Kraven.
“EH! Est-ce que la party est ici? J’en ai apporter la Pizza et la BIERE!” announced IWS champion Viking from the doorway carrying Pizza and beer.
“VIKING!” cried the room.
“Oui, c’est moi,” confirmed the IWS champion.
“Are any of those pizzas vegetarian?” asked Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“Non, CALISSE, sont des Pizzas avec du VIANDE, tabernacle,” replied Viking.
“What kind of beer is this Viking?” asked Beef swilling back a beer.
“MAUDITE! C’est du Biere ca!” roared back Viking.
“Yes, but what kind of beer is it?” persisted the puzzled Beef.
“MAUDITE! C’est du Biere ca!” roared Viking again.
“OK, I understand that you’re like the French Farooq. DAMN! That’s good beer. Got it. But what’s it called?” continued Beef.
“MAUDITE!” roared a frustrated Viking.
“Five seconds in the door and you’re already ready to start a drunken brawl. I’m impressed. Even for you that’s fast,” said Canadian Dynamite Maxime Boyer from the door.
“Hey Max. Come on in,” invited Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“Screw that. Ask him what he brung me,’ demanded the Evil Ninja trying to drink a Maudite beer and inhale a slice of meat-lover’s Pizza at the same time.
“Forgive my brother. He’s not very good at the whole ‘it’s better to give than to receive’ thing,” said Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“That’s not true. I’m much better at giving a beating than I am at receiving one. Besides as I keep saying, we don’t celebrate Christmas, so why should I give anybody anything?” retorted the Evil Ninja.
“But you have no problem accepting gifts?” asked Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“If religious fanatics insist on giving me gifts so that they can properly observe the birth of their God, who am I to argue? Just don’t ask me to reciprocate,” insisted the Evil Ninja.
“As it happens, I did get you boys something. I figured that you would be a little bummed over losing the tag team titles and probably a little home-sick for Fabertown, Japan. And I figured that a Christmas tree would bring up some bad memories right about now,” said Max.
“Got that right,” grumbled the Evil Ninja.
“Where do I put this?” asked Sofirios from the doorway.
“What did I say about talking rook?” demanded Max.
“That I was to keep my big rookie mouth shut? Oh right,” replied Sofirios.
“Rookies. Can’t teach them. Can’t drown them in a burlap sack. Good thing you can stretch them,” said Max. “Here, you can put it in the corner by the bottles of Brio and the cans of Ragu.”
“Hey is that a Bonsai tree?” asked Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“Yep. Rather than a Christmas tree, a Japanese Bonsai tree,” confirmed Max.
“That’s really thoughtful,” said the Hardcore Ninja Number One wistfully.
“My urge to kick your ass Boyer is… subsiding,” admitted the Evil Ninja.
“So, can this rookie talk?” asked Stupefied from the door.
“Depends. Did you bring me anything?” demanded the Evil Ninja. “And that better not be Above Standards coming up the stairs behind you. I swear to God if I see Choquette or Fauze, I will kill them and bury them in a shallow grave.”
From behind Stupefied, a series of steps could be heard quietly backing down the stairs and then fleeing from the scene at high speed.
“Stupefied, that’s the biggest case of eggs that I have ever seen. Is that just a box that you wrapped something else in?” asked Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“Nope. It’s all eggs. 256 grade A large brown eggs,” confirmed Stupefied.
“Well, that’s swell, Stupefied, really. But ummmm… how can I put this?” pondered Hardcore Ninja Number One.
“What in the blue hell are we going to do with 256 eggs?” asked the Evil Ninja.
“Well, I was thinking that we could roll down towards Dru Onyx’ gym, The Torture Chamber, and practice our fast balls. I hear that Onyx, the Green Phantom, Manny, Joey Soprano, PCO, Paranoid Jake Matthews and Jimmy Stone are all going to be there. If we’re really lucky, Shit-Hawke will show up as well. I think that Maudite! - oh thanks for the beer Viking - Roux would look really good in dried yolk,” explained Stupefied.
“Finally, some one who really knows how to celebrate Christmas! Some body grab the beer and let’s go,” exclaimed the Evil Ninja.
“Let’s take my SUV. There should be room for all of us,” said Kid Kamikaze.
“Is that SUV new?” asked Vanessa. “I haven’t seen it before.”
“Naw. It belongs to Latino Mysterio. See, him and his stupid brother stole my car back in 2003. So, now every year I steal a car or truck that belongs to them at Christmas time and use it to commit some time of crime. Then I make an anonymous phone call giving the license plate number of the car seen speeding away and Los Latinos spend New Year’s in jail,” explained Kid Kamikaze.
“NICE! I like the way you think,” admired the Evil Ninja.
“Well, it’s the gift that keeps on giving,” said Kid Kamikaze.
They sprang to the SUV, the team gave a whistle, And away they all flew like the down of a thistle. But I heard them exclaim as they drove out of sight, “Happy Christmas to all” “No Happy Hanukkah!” “What about Kwanzaa?” “I like Festivus myself.” “It’s a mad world.” “Can we all agree on Chrismukkah?”
“And to all a good night!”
In a COMPLETELY unrelated post script, it appears that a number of wrestlers in the IWS, including its owner PCP Crazy F’N Manny, and many of his allies, were the victim of a drive-by egging while standing outside the “The Torture Chamber” gym of IWS wrestler and tag team champion Dru Onyx. Two apparently disgruntled former wrestlers of the IWS are assisting Montreal police in their inquiries at this time. An enraged Manny was quoting as saying, “I will bury those two Hispanic punks. They’ll never wrestle in this town again! They’re DEAD! You hear me? They’re DEAD!”
That's the great Catch-22 though...and it always has been. Bear in mind I'm speaking as someone who TRIED to get freelance stuff into papers and because I made that exact same mistake I was unsuccessful.