C'mon. You all know you saw it just to see Chyna get smacked the frick up. I know that's why I watched. Anyway the match went like this....
Joey Buttafuco vs. Joanie Laurer
A segment before hand plays up to the arrogant man versus "I am woman hear me stick up for the chubby and oppressed females" bits for both of them.
Joey comes out first as some of the men defend him. Chyna comes out second(with *shocker* red tinted hair and a reduction in muscle mass for a more feminate look) As she's walking one of the commentators says something like "Joanie looks like she's taken a couple on the chin". I say "Not since the time Shawn Micheals could get out of bed on his own". Anyway both shake hands. Joey has about 50 lbs over ole Joanie, that's including her sandbags. Match starts.
Joey goes in testing her out, throwing some jabs. Then her turns it up out of nowhere and starts nailing her with some quick shots "Tough man style". So the punches are sloppy as shit-ake. Joanie is pretty much just jumping around not doing much as Buttafuco is just getting bored and waits for the bell. Both go their corners. laurer's coach tells her to look for a pattern. Bell rings. Joanie gets a little aggresive this 2nd round and starts landing some punches. Joey get's some in. Now here is where things pick up, Joanie lands a straight that nails ol boy right in the face! If you look at his face you can see a very pissed off look, that means that he's Fuco-ing Up!! So as Joanie gets in close for some body blows Joey hooks one arm and just super beals her across the ring!!! The whole crowd boos, and I pee on myself from the laughter pangs. She is back there with that pissed off Chyna look and arguing with her coach. Bell rings.
Pizza Hut "Where teh cheese gogh!" commercial. I love that song.
Shows back on. Replay of the armdrag by OVW trainee Buttafuco. Bell signals the third and final round. As Joanie decides to get serious for all the women out there. Back and forth exchanges from both (Laurer getting the solid blows while Joey gets the most punches in albeit wildly thrown). Buttafuco unjustly booed again just because he shoved her down again with an open hand in her face. Match finally ends with no knockouts. After a even decision by the judges, the favor goes for.........Joey B! He talks to Micheal Buffer about how it was a good match, and how Joanie gave her all blah blah. Laurer goes saying something about her being more of a man than him (To many jokes for me to pick just one). And the show goes out.
Now I'm all like "Me love slapping around them ladies"
All the women are like "Chyna's our hero. She stood up for us unattaractive women"
Then I'm like "You saw her get her ass whupped! Now go in there and make me, Jeff Jarret, and Ike Turner some supper! Now hit my music."
I actually felt sorry for Joanie - she had no bidness being in there with Big Fat Joey (who actually had *75* pounds on her) especially when he *didn't* fight clean. Still, it would have been super hard justifying scoring the match her way. I just can't figure out how one judge scored it a draw, 28-28...unless maybe he deducted a point from Joey for the illegal throw to make one round 9-9? That actually may have been the best thing to do - call it a draw and sign them for the rematch. MONEY ha ha not really.
A man fighting a woman has NO chance of looking good with any outcome. Then this jackass Buttafucco fights dirty, against a girl! He looked like a total piece of shit(not that a good portion of the U.S. didn't feel that way anyway). I actually felt a little sorry for Joanie.
Former Professional Wrestler Joanie teased the rematch when Noted Interviewer Michael Buffer (who, I assume, will go anywhere to say "Let's get ready to rumble!" if you pay him enough) talked to her at the end. She was all "Next time, let's see how you do in MY ring!" and I was all "You don't have a ring anymore, Former Professional Wrestler Joanie!" and then I realized I was talking to the TV and I felt pretty stupid.
I guess the rest would fall under Random, but hey, it's a Celebrity Boxing II thread, so what the heck. Manute vs. Fridge was the match I tuned in for, but while I could take pleasure in the pain of the others, this one just kind of made me sad. I dunno, Fridge and Manute always each seemed like a nice guy and both just need some money and it was like watching an alien fight a giant panda bear (which would be awesome, Fox, if you're reading this!) and even though Manute is broke, he's still giving his money away and his legs are super thin and I kept thinking his legs might break if Fridge bumped into him and basically, I just felt a little less alive watching this one. But it was still funny because it's celebrities and they're boxing.
Dustin Diamond vs. Ron Pallilo brought the best moments. There was Ron Pallilo looking all crazy and still talking kind of like Horshack, that was funny. Then the announcer guy who I never heard of says "Just look at The Guy Who Played Arnold Horshack's body language! That says it all!" He actually called him that. And then Ray 'Boom Boom' Mancini topped him by saying "We're seeing the warrior in Ron Pallilo!" These things overcame my disappointment of not having Gabe Kaplan and the guy who played Mr. Belding in their corners. Or a run-in by Epstein where the ref has to let him help Pallilo because he has a note from his mother. And also Michael Buffer mentioned "Dustin Diamond Teaches Chess", that video I linked here several months ago. And Horshack ended up with two black eyes and Dustin Diamond looked ashamed, as if he'd suddenly realized what he'd just been a part of (perhaps he was forced into the fight by drinking the Black Sleep of Kali). That look of knowing shame on Dustin Diamond's face made it all worthwhile. He was too ashamed to even plug his band, Salty the Pocketknife. Ha ha ha!
I skipped the first one. There was just no dramatic canvas upon which to paint the mismatched pairing of Popular Media Personality Darva Conger and Diminutive Shamed Ex-Olympian Olga Korbut. Plus, there were some crazy game show outtakes on NBC. Bob Eubanks, you still have it, my friend. You too, Richard Dawson (unless you're dead and I missed it). So that's my CBII report.
Hey, if Inoki buried Nagata for losing a shoot match, what will be do with Ms. Joanie, who lost an allegedly shoot match?
Then I can write a washing bill in Babylonic cuneiform, And tell you every detail of Caractacus's uniform; In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
This one definitely came off as less shoot-style than last time... it seemed like some (Screech, Buttafuoco) were being presented as heels, others as faces... there was a good amount of wrestling-style posturing and unspontaneous-seeming "spontaneous" moments... I dunno. Honestly, I can't imagine why they would even bother to fix these fights, but this one smelled a lot funnier.
Horshack/Screech was just a ridiculous mismatch. They should have really tried to get something better. In the intro, not only did they mention Dustin Diamond Teaches Chess, but Horshack was introduced as "a writer of children's books". They really take the right tone with this... they play it pretty much totally straight, and let the celebs incriminate themselves.
Fridge/Bol was funny just to look at, but man, it was in Super Slo Mo. Fridge literally could not move, and on the rare occasions when he did, he couldn't stop, so all he would do is run Bol into the ropes!! Man... talk about being in bad shape. To work up a good sweat by shuffling around a bit is just sad.
As far as Chyna goes, I would think that all the judges should have been instructed to deduct a point for the throw. I mean, you gotta take it seriously enough to at least do that. But then Joey still won the other two rounds, so he would still win on my card. Damn, Chyna has lost a lot of muscle.
There was one point where Chyna was backed into a corner, and you could see on her shoulder there was a huge line where there seemed to be stitches or a scar from something. Anyone know what that was from?
Just to make the review complete, Darva Conger dominated an out-sized (and much older) Olga Korbut. Pretty much just a matter that Darva took the fight seriously, and won.
They need to do a better job with the matchups. Horshack didn't stand a chance against Screech (and I'm not sure he's sane either). Manute vs. Fridge was just horrible, Fridge was winded before he even got to the ring (during the third round, did you hear the referee threaten not to pay either one of them if they didn't start actually fighting? Pretty funny)
Chyna vs. Joey was another complete mismatch. It wasn't made any better by the fact that the referee for the match was pretty much just a spectator (I thought the other referee did a pretty good job of at least trying to keep things down to a boxing match), allowing for a Rocky-style match (which means at least as much pushing and wrestling as actual punches). But it was mainly a demostration of why boxing has weight classes. (and Chyna must be off the juice, she HAS lost a lot of muscle mass)
I don't know about you, but didn't Screech kinda look like Shane Helms when he was taunting Horshack? He did this little head roll thing that made me think that. CB II has to be an example of some of the "Sports Entertainment" that Vince's company is competing against.
Oh do I hate that errr woman (for many, many reasons). I don't throw this out much but she is definitly on my "piece of crap" list. One big positive about this is that after losing and getting tossed around by an automachanic, her entire persona and mistic is gone. I was actually really worried that the Vince might bring her back one day soon, but after last night, I'm really comfortable he will not.
I also gagged when she challenged Joey to "her ring". (I thought she wants to get to the next faze of her life?) What year are we in again? Wow you could win him in a worked fight. Verrrry impressive.
I don't get it, everyone loves rats, but they don't want to drink the rats milk?
I *gasped* watched CB II. It had good moments (Screech punking out the Welcome Back Kotter guy, Darva destroying Olga) and bad moments (Fridge winded one minute into the fight, the Laurer-Buttafuoco fiasco) but for what it was worth it wasn't bad. If they do a CB III (and they will, CB II finished 2nd in the hour behind the season finale of the West Wing), this is what I think they should go with:
Emmanuel Lewis (Webster) vs Gary Coleman Danny Bonaduce vs Joey Buttafuoco Dustin Diamond vs Todd Bridges Darva Conger vs Tonya Harding
Hogan: Whatcha gonna do Undertaker when me and all the World Wrestling Entertainment fans run wild on you.
Before they kissed and made up, I would have liked to seen Vince vs Bob Costas on CB. Sure VKM would have beaten the man to a pulp. Laurer against Stephanie or HHH would have had more interest, but of course neither would have happened. I don't mind seeing Laurer on TV, but it is sickening that a lowlife who gained his fame by having sex with a kid who shot his wife in the head is getting more pub. I know Laurer was a replacement, but they could have at least put him in the ring with someone more along the lines of... Mike Tyson.
I am not a has bean! I AM THE BEST WIENER IN ALL THE LAND!
Could you imagine if that was actually the case? Next thing you'd know, Ryder would be written into the next week's TNA show (or perhaps a parody of Ryder that only dozens of fans would get). That would Russo could turn into an angle: