"Let me handle this one, Mike." "No! NO! I WON'T let you handle this one, Wayne! I'm tired of letting YOU handle it all the time. I NEVER get to handle anything!" --The Destruction Brothers, AWA Television, 1989.
Welcome, everyone to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and HIGHLY ADDICTIVE edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, one of only three openly gay columnists on this website. We've got a lot to get to this week, but first, a quick poll:
Which ex-wrestler makes a cameo appearance in "The Long Yard"?
(A) Bad, Bad, Bad News Brown (Baddest Man In The Whole Damn Town) (B) Rodney Max (C) Bird Man Cocoa Beware (D) SHNITSKY!!! (E) Yes
What led to ECW's from grace? A disloyal fan base – 10 % That fat guy in the neckbrace – 35 % Catering to cyberspace – 15 % WWE VP, Talent Relations, Johnny Ace – 10 % Yes. – 30 %
And now, onto the news:
Letters From A Jerk: To prove that I don't just publish positive feedback, here is an email I received from loyal ITR reader Alan:
You are a fuckin retard. Your column is in NO way funny. You are the fuckin epitome of that loser-ass, pathetic individual who causes the collective wrestling fandom to look like a bunch of fuckin dorks. And before you even say anything, Yeah, I know it looks backwards that I’m taking up my precious time to talk shit to you (since I’m labeling you as a complete loser) but this article that you wrote (which leads me to believe that ALL your articles are written in the same manner) made you come across as an ABSOLUTE fuckin GEEK FUCK, and I just HAD to say something.
What the fuck is up with you spelling everything wrong?!? And putting “Yes” as the last option on all your gay ass polls? Are you trying to be cute? You’re a fuckin idiot. I can’t believe Rick let’s you put your bullshit on his website. And don’t even try to come back with some crap like, “I guess you didn’t change your tampon this morning.” Or, ”you’re an even bigger loser for coming at me with this shit.” Don’t even attempt that bullshit cuz I’d whoop the fuckin shit out of you. Dork ass Bitch!
p.s. you’re better off just pulling a “Kerry Von Eric” or a “Brian Pillman”. I know you’re one of those four-eyed, pimply ass nerd fucks that has never had pussy in your entire life, so just end it. Fag!
I simply responded: Dear Alex, Thanks for the compliment!!! Bulldog
Now, some people in my position might actually take the low road here, encouraging their readers to email the guy in protest, but not me. That would just be wrong. Very, very wrong.
You think you know him?: According to my insider sources, this whole "thing" involving Leeta, ThEdge and Mike Hardy is all just a work! Apparently, they're all still great friends and nothing ever really happened between them; they're just trying to make geeks on the Internet look bad (yeah, like that's even possible!)
Current booking plans call for WWE firing The Big Stupid Red Machine and then bringing Hardy back! And then on Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw, they'll tease that they're going to come to blows, but just as it's about to happen, all three of them will hug! And then they'll explain it was all just an elaborate hoax to fool the smart marks! And then they yell at Dave Meltzer for some reason! And then Triple HHH will run in and give all three of them a pedigree! And it will be the best SHOCKING SWERVE ever!
Big news on the NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass) front, as it seems as though Fox Newsnet has kicked them off the station because, in the worlds of one highly-placed network executive, "the show fucking sucks donkey balls."
Look for Double Jeff Jarrod, B.J. Styles, The Abyss, Curt Henning, Chris Candida, Road Worrier Hawk and all of your other T&A faves to resurface on the WGN Network, which will clear their busy schedule of infomercials and reruns of Too Close For Comfort to give the upstart promotion a spot in prime time. Will this be the proverbial "shot in the arm" that will kick-start a new Monday Night War, inevitably driving Vince MacMahon into bankruptcy? BANK ON IT!!!
PWTorch.com Obscure Wrestling Reference Of The Week -- Reader firstname.lastname@example.org writes: "Last week, I was helping organize a party, and some supplier came in with a crate and said 'the champagne is here.' That's almost the EXACT same thing John Cena says when he goes: 'The champ… is… here!' Except for the 'agne' part."
What the HELL is former Olympic hero Kur Tangle's problem these days? First the guy betrays Team WWF back in 2001… and now this!!! One week, he wants to have ANIMAL SEX with Bookie T's lovely wife Charlene (a/k/a Midnight from WCW). But then, the next week, he decides that sex isn't enough, he wants to WRESTLE her!?! Make up your freaking mind already, Tangle: which one is it?
What could possibly be better than Triple HHH-Bautista II? How about… Triple HHH-Bautista III?!? Although Eric Bischov, the district manager of Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw, hasn't officially approved the bout, look for it to happen sometime this fall. The special stipulation this time around? As if you needed to ask: COAL MINER'S GLOVE!!!
Several matches have already been announced for the upcoming WWE Presents ECW Presents WWE's ECW One More Night paper-view spectacular, according to their official website. Matches are as follows:
· Timmy Dreamer and Beyoolah McGillahmicuddy Vs. Triple HHH and Stephoney MacMahon. · Rod Van-Damme Vs. HI-DAN-RIKE · Sand Man Vs. Sand Man's Punk-Ass Kid · Tajerky Vs. Canadian Crippler Chris Benwah (WWE Rules match) · The Dudley Brothers Vs. The Eliminator Brothers Vs. Sabu and SHNITSKY!!! · Rhino Vs. Mrs. Rhino (Flower-pot-on-a-pole match) · The ECW return of Cactus Jack Manson (a/k/a Mick Farley) Vs. Chris Masterpiece · Third annual Eric Bischov Humiliation Challenge.
All this plus much, much more (for example, commercials for the Badd Blood PPV)!!!
Recently, I had the chance to sit down and talk to… oh, no, wait. That wasn't me.
Collect 'em all!!!: So I figured, I have do SOMETHING to keep people reading ITR week after week after annoying week (after all, all I know how to do is fuckin spell people's names wrong).
Then it struck me: a car. A 1988 Buick Regal, to be precise.
After two weeks being stuck in traction, I had an idea: I could develop a series of Inside The Ropes trading cards for my loyal readers to collect and (possibly) sell on eBuy.
Starting this week and ending whenever I forget about this stupid gimmick, each person who reads this column will receive a random pack of 5 ITR cards. Cut them out (you may want to print them out first instead of using scissors on the computer screen; trust me on this one, folks) and trade them with your friends. Here, then, is the first package of five cards:
Before I leave you this week, I have an OMG MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT~! to share, in full press-release format:
CANADIAN BULLDOG, MATT HORKING TO SWITCH BRANDS
June 2, 2005 - In order to "shake things up", webmaster ZRC has ordered his columnists Canadian Bulldog and Matt Horking to switch brands!
Beginning next week and lasting for, well, one week, Horking will take over the critically-acclaimed, Pulitzer Prize-winning Inside The Ropes column. Meanwhile, Bulldog will pen an edition of the legendary Raw Satire. In addition, apprentice Johnny ITR has been traded for a column to be named later (sorry you had to hear it like this, Johnny).
"Quite frankly, I'm looking forward to the change of pace," said Bulldog, when reached at his Netherlands, Antilles summer residence. "If for no other reason than to get a break from those bloodsucking, pathetic readers I have."
"What the FUCK is Inside The Ropes?," Horking said in an exclusive interview. "CRZ, please please PLEASE don't make me do this. I'll even stop writing Lord of the Ring chapters, I promise!"
To learn more about Canadian Bulldog, click here. For more about Matt Horking, click here.
That about does it for now. If you have any questions, comments or -- heh heh -- hate mail, drop me a line at email@example.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.