Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and HIGHLY UNECESSARY edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, the man who just can't let go of his 15 minutes of (non) fame.
We've got MILLIONS of things to get to this week, but first, a quick poll:
Who's REALLY to blame for the Eddie Guerrera-Roy Mysterio problems?
(A) SHNITSKY!!! (B) That Bastard Vince MacMahon (C) Sexual Frustration (D) SHNITSKY's Sexual Frustration (E) Yes.
Be sure to vote for your choice at the newly-renovated Inside The Ropes website (motto:  days since our last visitor.) And here are the results from our last EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED poll:
Who's the next nostalgia act WWE will bring back? (A) Nails - 4 % (B) Double Jeff Jarrod - 0% (C) Linda MacMahon - 40 % (D) Lou Thez - 22 % (E) Yes - 31 %
First, I would like to announce that as of this week, this column has been on The WWW for TWO FREAKING YEARS!!! How I lasted this long after writing this piece of shit, I'll never know. But in any event, you can thank ME for the compliment, BITCH!!!
Letter From A Nut: I get tons of mail each week (Note to Leeta: Enough with the text messaging already, toots!), but this one caught my attention for some reason. I thought I'd share it with you all.
I am not sure if I should address you by your first or last name as I feel I know you well, yet oddly having never met you and by living on the other side of the world (New Zealand – Home of the Butch Whackers) I do not . I am only writing this so that my email can feature in one of your updates.
Perhaps you could even write a whole article about me or include me in a survey. That would be great because I believe I will always be the right answer. Graeme White Dear Graeme, You egotistical JERK!!! Perhaps you'd like it if, from now on, everything I write about ties into to YOU??? And now, onto the news…
Who Could Have Seen THIS Coming?: The tag team dynasty known as Eddie Guerrera and Roy Mystereo Junior is now history!!! While we'll probably never really know what brought the brothers to blows, sources say it was because Roy Roy borrowed Latin Heat's Low-Riser and didn't fill up the gas tank.
Where do we go from here? The feud will culminate in six-man tag matches around the country, with Guerrera teaming with his new amigos M&M. Roy Roy will team with Eddie's uncle Chavito Guerrera Non-Classic and newcomer Graeme White.
You can tell spring is in the air with all of the Budding Romances afoot. Not only do you have The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain and The Returning Leeta as much in love as they've ever been, but there's a little somethin' somethin' going on between Visceria and Lillith Garcia, who were recently spotted sharing a plate of nachos. Add to that Bookie T being managed by his wife Midnight, Raw interviewer John Grisham attempting to jump Stacy Keebler, and me constantly stalking Tritch Stratus, and you have more lovin' than an entire Harlemkin Romance Novel.
If you were one of those people who thought ECW had died for good, I've got just two words for ya: REUNION SHOW, LIVE ON PAY-PER-VIEW!!! That's right; in June, we will all see the debut of WWE Presents ECW presents WWE's ECW One More Night. The big event will look exactly like it used to, complete with a crappy arena, shitty production values and Paul E. Dangerfield bouncing all of the wrestlers' checks.
In addition to bringing in a bunch of Rejects That No One Wants to Book Anymore including Sand Man, Jason Credible, Bryan The Pill Man, Steve Austen, Graeme White and Mick Farley, they're also going to raid the entire locker room of NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass). And then when guys like Jerry Lin and That's So Raven arrive in the locker room, WWE's going to murder them so they'll have no competition left!!!
On a related note:
IN MEMORIAM: 2002 - 2005
No Gimmicks Needed Where He's Headed: Although most people in the wrestling media missed this story when it broke two weeks ago (probably too busy covering the whole "Edge copies Bulldog" thing), former WCW Little Heavyweight Champion Chris Candida died at the age of Something after A T&A Wrestler injured him. Medical personnel ran to the ring to revive him, but they were actually just Local Indy Workers, who put him in a neck brace and on a stretcher for some reason.
Candida will best be remembered for taking 'roids and dating Sonny of The Primadonnas. To mourn her partner's death, expect Sonny to pose naked on the Internet.
Contrary to popular belief, Candida never once during his lengthy career had anything to do with New Zealand superstar Graeme White.
Anyone out there remember The Test? Neither do I, but apparently he's been medically cleared to return to the ring. If you'd like to book him for your wrestling event, personal appearance or bar mitzvah, e-mail… er, uhhh… hold on. That gives me an idea. Muhuhahahahahahaha!
Boy, is Raw interviewer Maria Kennellis ever dumb! She can't even get ThEdge's name right!!!
Why is The Christian so FREAKING BITTER these days? One week, he's messing with Nature Guy Ricky Flare, the next week he's challenging Jon Ceno in a battle rap for the Smack! Down Undisputed Other World Title, which he can't even COMPETE FOR!!! Will Captain Christmas learn how to manage his priorities? BANK ON IT!!!
We are just eight weeks away from the night that figurehead president Vince MacMahon says will revolutionize wrestling forever – The Lethal Draft Lottery!!! This is the one night of the year where the stars of WWE will be FORCED to switch jobs.
This year, expect Smack! Down to gain Triple HHH, Deacon Bautista, Y J Stinger Chuck Jericho, William Royal, Tajerky, Sheldon Benjamin, Chris Benwah, Super Rosey, Hurricane Helmsley, Los Resistance, The Heat Throbs and ThEdge. They may also sign The Returning Leeta, Queen Vicktoria, Simpson Dean, Marvin, Mohachmed Hussein, Osama Arafat, Sean McMichaels, Kirstie Hemmey, Tritch Stratus, Mike Tyson Tomko, The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain, Visceria and Coach Man.
In return, Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw will get the services of Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld, M&M, Kur Tangle, The Best Show, Bookie T, Eddie Guerrera, The Other Guerrera, Torrie Watson, Don Marie, The McCool's (Carlita Caribbean and Michelle), Lucifer Reigns, Roy Mysterious Junior and The Bash 'Em Brothers. Also Spike TV Dudley, Paul England, Billy The Kid-Sized Man, HI-DAN-RIKE, Akira, Noonzio, Graeme White and Numerous Others. And it will be the best Lethal Draft Lottery ever!
Now it's time for a regular feature I like to call:
Hollywood Stu's Gossip Corner
Above: Stylin' and Profilin' with Naitch. Woooo!
Hey, Bulldog. I've got a bunch of backstage gossip for you this week, so sit tight!
· You may have heard that Rey Mysterio has been pressuring WWE management to bring in his luchadore friends such as Super Crazy and Psychosis. But here's what you don't know: SmackDown is going to change to an all-lucha format, complete with every single wrestler on the roster wearing masks and new names like El Exposición Grande, La Tejano Rico, and Caribbeano Refresca.
· You may have noticed that newcomers The Heart Throbs are a little, shall we say, "light in the loafers" and "enjoy the company of men". This is because they're gay.
· Whenever Triple H says to Batista that he's just "borrowing" his World Title -- he's not kidding around! The Animal can take the belt for personal appearances and Raw title defenses, but The Game never allows him to take it home, to dinner, or wear while he goes swimming! Same goes with house shows.
· The big news from Ohio Valley Wrestling is that Jim Cornette was suspended because he threw a temper tantrum. But that's just what "the man" WANTS you to believe! The truth is that he threw talcum powder into Ricky Morton's eyes when he wasn't looking, then clobbered him over the head with a tennis racket! Good luck serving your suspension NOW, Corny; Mama Cornette can't bail you out of this one!
· Who the fuck is Graeme White?
· You know those rumors I've been hearing about John Cena touring for his new album -- and opening for The Rolling Stones during their 2005 World Tour? Totally not true.
Thanks, Stu! Now let's open things to up some Q &… HUH??? Oh, that's right – I only got ONE FREAKING LETTER this week, and that was just that little pisher Graeme White. Okay, let's try something completely different, then. How about…
Taurus (April 20 to May 20): You tend to be highly protective of your position at work. Make sure to follow that instinct this week. If you don't like your current storyline, leave for a while. If someone doesn't know how to work "main event style", just have Dad fire them.
Gemini (May 21 to June 21): Don't trust anyone, and expect some rough waters ahead. WHAT? I said, rough waters. WHAT? Problems. WHAT? Troubles. WHAT?
Cancer (June 22 to July 22): Impress your friends by training to become a pro wrestler, languishing in the minor leagues for years, and then making your national television debut as an audience plant for the Masterlock Challenge.
Leo (July 23 to August 22): It wasn't… your… FAULT!
Virgo (August 23 to September 22): Well let me tell ya somethin', brother. It's about time for another comeback, dude, because it's what all the millions of Hulkamaniacs are DEMANDING of ya, brother. So whatcha gonna doooooooooooo?
Libra (September 23 to October 22): Dump your longtime boyfriend immediately and hook up with his best friend. You need a real man who's not afraid of doing what it takes to get to the top, even if that means STEALING MY FUCKING CATCHPHRASE!!!
Scorpio (October 23 to November 21): Everybody, here comes Too Cold Scorpio! Too Cold – Scorpio. Too Cold – Scorpio. Who's his opponent? He don't care. Like the Gulf War, brother, he attacks from the air!
Sagittarius (November 22 to December 21): The following horoscope has been paid for by the New World Order.
Capricorn (December 22 to January 19): This month is the perfect time to hook up with some slutty Libra.
Aquarius (January 20 to February 19): To teach your younger co-workers a little respect, perhaps you should take the opportunity this month to rape them in the shower and then make them buy you beer. Again.
Pisces (February 19 to March 20): Don't take your employer's word for it when he tells you it's okay to hand over the belt the next night on Raw and tonight you can just do a "shmozz".
Aries (March 21 to April 19): Could be worse; at least you're not Graeme White.
Well, that about does it for this week. I've got a HUGE column coming up next week, perhaps our best to date! What is about? Let me just say that "May..." ... nahhhh.
If you have questions, suggestions, letters, or over-the-counter medications to share, be sure to drop me a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.