"The champ is near!" -- WWE Undisputed Other World Champion John Ceno, daily.
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and HIGHLY CONVOLUTED edition of Inside The Ropes, the modern-day version of Pro Wrestling Illustrated Weekly. I'm Canadian Bulldog, otherwise known as fan club president for Jesus Aguiliera. We've got a lot to get to this week, but first a quick poll:
Who is going to be fired next? (A) Linda MacMahon (B) The Next Best Thing Brock Lesnor (C) Artie in catering (D) Charlie Hoss' Dead Brother (E) Yes.
Be sure to vote for your choice at the official Inside The Ropes website (Motto: "Being updated soon; we promise!"). And here are the results from our most recent poll:
What was this year's WrestelMania moment? (A) Akeboner vs. Kirstie Hemmey in a sumo match - 0 % (B) Hal Kogan attacks Mean Eugene - 8 % (C) Young stars in the spotlight, such as Ordertaker and Kur Tangle - 4 % (D) Triple HHH holds down Motorhead; sings own theme song - 86 % (E) Yes. - 0 %
And now, onto the news:
Warrior University = Concentration Camp?: University students were SHOCKED, SADDENED and AMUSED (some of them) when former WWF Intercontinental Champion The Ultimate Worrier showed up on campus and begin doling out RACIST INSULTS and HOMOPHOBIC REMARKS as if they were running shoulderblocks! And then the fans started attacking him, and he responding by press-slamming them! And then someone locked him in a casket and he needed Rene Gouleé to use a drill to open it! And then he got trapped in a closet filled with snakes! And then he was forced to vomit because Poppa Shanko put a spell on him! And it was the best lecture ever!
You're FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRED!: World Wrestling Federtainment Incorporated Corporation Incorporated Limited Incorporated has agreed to amicably part ways with Rhinocerous, Mike Hardy Version 2.0 and his sister Molly Hardy because of Excessive Drug Abusive. Here's hoping these four can collect the pieces of their shattered lives and eventually learn how to work!!!
While Hardy and Mrs. Edge have been busy airing out their dirty laundry on respected wrestling websites, ThEdge has taken something of a different approach. He's written a LOVE SONG for his slut beloved:
Leeta (To the tune of Mandy)
I'll remember all my life Cheatin' on my second wife I'm a shadow of a man Living life in fear If I want to get a woman I just show them my spear…
Morning, just another day Wonder if I'll bail or stay Thinkin' bout my friend Just tore him apart How could I have delivered A conchairto to his heart?
Oh, Leeta, Well you know that I'm just a big cheeta But I'll stay here with you until Rita Or I may hook up with a Wal-Mart Greeta, I'm hitting on her now, Oh Leeta…
Which MAJOR Raw superstar is widely expected to join the Smack! Down roster after next month's lethal draft lottery? Don't know.
What could POSSIBLY top last year's star-studded diva search? If you answered "another Diva Search", then this is your lucky year! WWE promises that Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw Diva Search 2: Electric Bugaloo will use more no-talent bimbos than an entire season of Married… With Children combined!
Could there be trouble in paradise for Smack! Down tag team champions Roy Mysterio Junior and Latin Heat Eddie Guerrera? Maybe!!!
Speaking of which… the tag team scene is starting to really heat up. Not only have you got The Bash 'Em Brothers and the combination of Hardwood Holly and Charlie Hoss' Dead Brother, but newcomers M&M (Chocolate, Peanut and Crispy) are also looking to make an immediate impact with their new melt-in-your-mouth-not-in-your-hands finisher.
Spring has sprung, and it's a time where a young man's fancy turns to thoughts of love (or gardening, if you happen to be a gardener). The wrestling world is no different, now that Visceria and Tritch Stratus are said to "like each other more than friends", but don't want to be "boyfriend/girlfriend" yet. Together, they will be known as Trishera.
In related news, Dolly Holly is said to be madly in love… with Her Unemployment Counsellor!!! How do you like that one, MARKS? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Is former Hall of Famer Hollywood Hal Kogan headed back to the WWE? No fucking way!!!
As you all know by now, NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits and Ass) is just NINETEEN days away from presenting what it calls a "pay-per-view", the event featuring SIXTEEN consecutive steel cage matches, all with the exact same finish! Anyways, here's an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED preview of what to expect if you're stupid enough interested in buying Lockup:
• Double Jeff Jarrod won't lose his title.
Folks, I've got a tremendous new feature for you here this week. My good friend Stu Stone has just about done it all in show business/sports entertainment, from meeting Ivory at some house show, to starring in B-movies with Chris Penn. Two weeks ago, he was an EXCLUSIVE guest at the WrestelMania XXX1 afterparty, so I thought what better time to debut our newest segment -- think of it as Carlito's Cabin without the tropical fruit. Say hello to:
Hollywood Stu's Gossip Corner
Above: Stu tries to join the Kiss My Ass club.
Hey, Bulldog, thanks for the warm introduction. I'll be bringing ITR readers the very finest Hollywood gossip every week. Here are some juicy tidbits from the WrestleMania 21 after-party:
• Many onlookers noted that Triple H was seen hanging out with -- and even KISSING -- his ex-wife Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley! Could a reconciliation for these two be in the works? Hey, if Brad and Jen can work things out, anything's possible!
• Was that Eddie Guerrero stealing shrimp from the buffet table? It's true -- a waiter noticed "Latino Heat" lying prone on the ground with the offending seafood stuck in his hair. When the waiter turned to admonish Rob Conway for throwing shrimp, Guerrero leapt off the ground, pocketed a bunch more shrimp, and took off in his Low-Rider.
• Speaking of fancy wheels, it was an automotive fashion show outside the parking lot in L.A. Of course, JBL and The Cabinet arrived their steer-horned limo (though they managed to scrape the graffiti off of it in time), followed by The Undertaker and Kane in their customized hearse and Hurricane in his Hurricycle. The Big Show made waves when he arrived spread-eagle across the Blues Brothers car, with the casket of his dead father in tow. Then Hulk Hogan showed up in his monster truck, which was run over by Eric Bischov and Billy Kidman driving a Hummer.
• By now you all know the story involving Rhyno smashing a flowerpot in the hotel lobby. But here's what you don't know: the flowerpot didn't sell it, and has been given a three-year developmental deal in OVW!
• Fitness guru Simon Dean was seen selling his patented Simon System in the lobby of the party, while The Undertaker was seen selling nothing.
• Not knowing when enough was enough, Mr. Money In The Bank Edge was seen courting none other than Linda McMahon. Then when she rejected him, he accused her of screwing him… at Taboo Tuesday!
That's all I've got for this week, but until next week, remember: I'm Hollywood Stu, and it's not cool to sue! Later Bulldog…
What time is it? It's time, it's time… it's approximately 4:15! Recently, I had the chance to sit down and speak over the telephone with former WCW champion The Man They Called Vadar. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript:
CB: Is this the man they call Vadar? V: I am the one they call Lord Vader. CB: Close enough. Question number one: do you still consider yourself nothing but a "fat piece of shit?" V: The Rebels have been alerted to our presence. CB: Er… why are you breathing so heavy? V: If you only knew the power of the Dark Side. CB: Is my voice, uh… turning you on? V: Impressive. Most impressive. Obi-Wan has taught you well. CB: Thanks for the compliment!!! Question number two: What are you doing these days? And don't make up bullshit like you're "working in Japan". As if there are any Japanese people on the Internet who could verify a story like that… V: There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you. CB: You'll do what now? V: Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father. CB: He didn't need to. I know what happened to him. He went out to get a pack of cigarettes, twenty-eight years ago, and then he was abducted by aliens. Questions number three… V: No. I am your father. CB: You are NOT!!! Uh… question number… uh… number three… V: Search your feelings. You know it to be true. CB: Nooooooooo! It's not true! Question number three… V: You have only begun to discover your power. Join me, and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy. CB: Nooooo. It’s not true! I'll never join you! V: Your destiny lies with me, young Bulldog. Bank on it!!! CB: This interview… IS OVER!!! (Hangs up phone.) V: May the force with be you, forever! FOR-EVER!!!
If there's anyone, either here or in a galaxy far, far away, that you're dying for me to interview, drop me a line at email@example.com. Finally, let's open things up to some Q & A, shall we?
Q: Hello. My co-worker's grandson's keep saying they are going to do the "F-U"? Is this a move? It sounds rude to her so I figured I'd try to research it and figure it out for her. What do you think her grandson's (who are big wrestling fans) mean when they say they are going to do the F U? Thanks for your time and assistance with this matter! A: The "F-U" (an acronym for "Fuck U") is not a move, but more of a feeling, an attitude. You have to be down with the chain gang. We stick TOGETHER! Either you're part of the system, or you're fighting the system. Yo, you can't see me! World life!
Q: im just tellin ya dat was HULLERIOUS nice ii never new trish had so much facial hair! A: Hey, learn to spell properly, BASTARD!
Q: Stop posting on Aaron Aguilera's comment board. A: Thanks for the compliment!!!
Well, that about does it for this week. Remember if you have any questions, comments, suggestions or hatemail for a certain ex-bodyguard, be sure to send it to firstname.lastname@example.org. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.
Redsoxnation, Yes, I took into account that Gunn possessed all the problems listed at the top of the article. But if those were the only considerations for WWE success, I wouldn't have gone on to write the rest of the column.