Canadian Bulldog (don't pretend like you don't know who he is!) has been released. The W wishes him the best in his future endeavors.
And yes, we did make a similar announcement like this about a year ago, but that was just because we were trying to set up one of his lame Retro ITR™ columns.
Anyways, in his absence, we present a classic Inside The Ropes from exactly 15 years ago today.
(Originally published November 14, 1995)
Inside The Ropes - Fueled By Diesel Power!!!
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes, the hottest column here on America Online (keyword: bankonit). I'm Canadian Bulldog, the greatest thing to happen to wrestling since the 1-900-HOT-BRUNO telephone hotline.
I just thought I'd take this opportunity to say what a great time we live in: Coolio and TLC continue to rock at the top of the charts with no signs of letting up; The Postman (Il Postino) is knocking 'em dead at the box office; and of course, Bob Hope, Ronald Reagan and The Pope are still alive. Anyhoo… we've got a ton to get to this week, so let's hop right to it!
An open letter to Gorilla Manson,
Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). For years, you've been known as a classy and not-at-all-clichéd commentator, so I was among your biggest supporters when you won the election earlier this year to become WWF President.
Needless to say, I was completely shocked, saddened and shocked when you STOLE the WWF International Championship belt from around the gorgeous waist of Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaels recently. Sure, he was injured, but that was only because he was sneak-attacked by 58 horny marines outside of a gay nightclub.
Have a heart, Gorilla! McMichaels will return in no time, only to "lose his smile" as soon as he doesn't want to job again. Couldn't you have waited a few months, instead of just handing the belt to Simon Dean Douglas, who was so freaking incompetent he lost it RIGHT AWAY to Razor Raymond?
Manson, you're supposed to be the president of this damned federation. So show people that you have a spine, or as you call it, external petubinal oxzuberance. GIVE ME A BREAK. PUH-LEASE!
Peace, out, Canadian Bulldog
The recent debut of Eric Bischov's Monday Night Ro is the hottest ticket around these days! First, there's the element of surprise: you never know who's going to show up. One week, Lex Lugar makes a cameo appearance, the next week, it’s Beautiful Bobby Easton in the main event. You just never know! And hiring former Super Bowl Champion Steve "Wahoo" McDaniels as a special color commentator? SHEER BRILLIANCE!!!
Here's hoping that Bischov eventually starts giving away the results of PRE-TAPED Raw programs, and then wins the Monday Night Wars for about 80 weeks, before losing his momentum because he puts on the exact same fucking show every week, and then gets replaced by Vince Rousseau and Ed Frrrrra, and then returns a year later, but then WCW gets sold to Vince MacMahon for like eight dollars, and then eventually gets hired on to play the evil general manager.
But don't count WWF Superstars of Wrestling/Prime Time Wrestling announcer Vince MacMahon out yet. With young guns like Rad Redford, Hachooshi, The Primadonnas and Let's Make A Difference Fatoo on the roster, it's only a matter of time before they start showing you the "Attitude" needed to make his program edgier. But to make the transition complete, I suggest, nay, DEMAND he rehire the wrestling plumber T.L. Crapper. The Fed hasn't been the same without him!
Who's that controversial newcomer on WWF television these days? Why, none other than Goal Dust, the homosexual son of American Dream Dustey Roads that apparently likes dressing up as one of the members of Kideo. Criticize him for his love of classic films all you like, but one thing is for sure: you will never forget the name… uh… er… uhh…
Thank goodness The Sting has Nature Guy Ricky Flare is his corner these days, ready to help him take on the forces of evil such as Brian The Pillman and The Enforcer Erin Anderson. If there's anyone out there that Stinger can trust…
THIS JUST IN: After having his monster truck tossed by Hal Kogan from the roof of Detroit's Bobo Hall, the 7-foot-something warrior Son Of Andre is recovering just fine, thank you very much. Expect this red-hot feud to continue on in the main event of this month's World War 2 paper-view spectacular during the 60-ring, 3-man battle royal, which promises to be the best match ever!
Keep an eye on youngster Adam Copeland. Who is he? Just some guy in the radio broadcasting program at my alma mater of Humber College, who keeps stealing other people's girlfriends and also bragging about the "money in the bank" he has but stores in his briefcase for some reason. Over the next decade or so, whenever it is he starts training for wrestling, I'll bet he becomes a major force in the industry. Either that or a jerk.
What the HELL has gotten into British Bulldog (no relation) Davey B. Smith lately? Sure, you're no longer part of the championship-caliber team The Allied People because your partner bailed, but that doesn't give you the right to turn BAD GUY and hire Jim Coronet! Does it? Next thing you know, you'll be challenging your father-in-law Bret "Hatman" Hurt to a match -- and that's just going too far!
Which former WWF "superstar" is seeking "greener pastures" in WCW? Although he's forbidden to disclose the details on television, Mean Jean Okerfeld has the scoop for you on the WCW hotline. Call him at 1-900-909-9900!
(Kids, be sure to get your parents permission first. Or don't. Just pretend your dad made the call. For all he knows its just some sex line, and like he's going to bring attention to THAT. Warning: May be no truth to the rumors on the hotline. It's just a bunch of shit made up by Okerfeld to get people calling in. Brett Hart ain't coming here anytime soon, even if he gets screwed by Vince MacMahon. Trust us. The surgeon general warns you that calling the WCW Hotline may be addictive and dangerous to your health. If you know anyone who may have an addiction to calling WCW, they're probably jerks. Don't seek out help for them, they don't deserve your pity. P.S. Actor Stuart Stone is gay.)
Recently, I had the chance to speak over the telephone with commentator extraordinaire "Handsome" Dok Hendricks. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript:
CB: Is this Dok Hendricks?
HDH: No, this is Jimi Hendrix, actually.
CB: I thought you were dead.
HDH: This is a retro column, remember?
CB: Right, but you died about three years before I was born…
HDH: Thanks for the compliment!!!
CB: Hey, that's MY line, hippie! Alright, alright, question number one: why do you always root for bad guys like King Mabelle and Isaac Yank 'Em, yet you have NO PROBLEM complaining about good guys like Achmed Johnson and The 1-2-3-4 Kid?
HDH: Purple haze all in my brain/Lately things just don’t seem the same/Actin’ funny, but I don’t know why/’scuse me while I kiss the sky.
CB: Question number two: Why do you kind of look like the drunk guy who used to be part of the WCW tag team The Fabulous Firebirds? Are you related to him, or what?
HDH: I see you - heh- on down on the scene (Foxy)/ You make me wanna get up and scream (Foxy)/Ah, baby listen now/ I’ve made up my mind/ I’m tired of wasting all my precious time/You’ve got to be all mine, all mine/Foxy lady/Here I come.
CB: Actually, I'm not a lady. Although I'm told I'm quite foxy. But I'm getting off topic!!! Question number three: What do you think would be a good song for Hal Kogan if he was to turn heel in the next year or so?
HDH: Well, I stand up next to a mountain/ And I chop it down with the edge of my hand/Well, I stand up next to a mountain/ And I chop it down with the edge of my hand/ Well, I pick up all the pieces and make an island/ Might even raise a little sand…
CB: That's the BEST you can come up with? Ugh, that SUCKS!!! Question number four: do you think sending prank e-mails to wrestlers, and then writing a book about it, is a good idea?
HDH: (Starts playing national anthem on guitar).
CB: That's it! This interview… IS OVER!!! (Hangs up)
HDH: Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.
If there's anyone out there that you're dying for me to interview, drop me a line at firstname.lastname@example.org, which will probably become registered as a URL in a few years from now. Finally, let's open things up to a little Q & A, shall we?
Q: Where is The Ultimate Warrior these days? If he doesn't come back and win the WWF title again soon, I think I might just lose it! A: Imagine what it will do to him.
Q: Who are your favorite wrestling writers on the World Wide Web today? A: Thanks for the compliment. Whenever I check out the rec.sport.pro-wrestling.which-is.also-known-as.sports-entertainment bulletin board, the first person I seek out is Christopher Robert Zinniman. The way he says stuff like "Big Poppa Cool Deesel IS WALKING! Now he's FALLING DOWN! Now he's LYING ON THE GROUND IN AGONY!". I can only hope to be on the same message board as his a decade from now.
Q: Who is the best stable in wrestling today? A: Without a doubt it has be Kevin Solomon's Dungeons & Dragons Of Doom stable. Any time you've got Son Of Andre, The Monster Mink, The Bavarian, The Shark Man (whom astute fans may remember from the WWF as Typhoon), Brutus Beefcake With Zebra Makeup, That Leprechaun Jerk and Kurasawa in one group, it can only mean one thing: workrate!
Well, folks, that's about it from here. I'll be back next week, or in late-April 2005, whichever comes first. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.
Hmm, that's two weeks in a row they've cut back on the "several thousands of dollars" of show-opening pyrotechnics - we're approaching "trend" and moving straight past it to "pattern" (or is it the other way round?)