Welcome, everyone, to the latest EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes, or as its known in some circles, That Lame-Ass Knockoff of Hot Newz. I'm 16-time World Champion Canadian Bulldog; welcome.
We've got a ton of crap to get to this week, but first, a quick poll:
What was this year's WrestelMania moment? (A) Akeboner-Kirstie Hemmey sumo match. (B) Hal Kogan attacks Mean Eugene. (C) Young stars like Ordertaker and Kur Tangle in the spotlight. (D) Triple HHH holds down Motorhead; sings own theme song. (E) Yes.
What match are you looking most forward to at WMXXX1?
(A) Dean Simon vs HI-DAN-RIKE - 11 % (B) Steve Austen vs Ex-Wife III - 6 % (C) Bautista/Mr. T vs Triple HHH/Paul Orndork - 2 % (D) Sex With Leeta Invitational - 72 % (E) Yes - 6 %
And now, onto the news…
An open letter to John Breadshaw Lagerfeld,
Canadian Bulldog here, you fucking bastard!
Don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about, either. Last week on Smack! Down, you guaranteed victory over John Ceno at WrestelMania XXX1. I remember your exact words: "The Rock guaran-damn-tees it! If ya smellalalalalalalalow…".
So naturally, I went to Vegas and bet the house on JLB. It's what you GUARANTEED me, right? Right? Well, we all know how that turned out.
(Spoiler Alert) YOU DIDN'T WIN!!!
You know, you think I would have learned my lesson in 1988 when The Honkey Tonkey Man vowed to make mincemeat out of The Ulllllllllllllltimate Worrier. Or in 1991, when Perfect Man Kirk Henning said he was "never" going to lose the International Title. Or in 2000, when Eric Bischov and Vince Rousseau said they were going to "save" WCW. Boy, did the folks at MGM Grand laugh at me that time.
Thanks to you, Lagerfeld, this is the LAST TIME I ever trust what a professional wrestler says about the outcome of a predetermined event. Thanks for nothing. You fucking bastard!
Peace, out, B-Dawg
P.S. You better just hope and pray I can make my money back on Illinois winning the Final Fore Tournament!!!
A big congratulations goes out to the new WWE Undisputed Raw World Champion Bautista on finally winning the Ugly Gold Strap this past week. For those of you unfamiliar with his career, here are a few highlights:
· 2003: Debuts as Deacon Bautista as the "special friend" of priest D-Lo Dudley. · 2004: Transfers to Raw, joins Revolution, gets injured, wins a bunch of titles, turns on Triple HHH, wins world title. · 2005: Takes some much-deserved time off.
Can Bautista withstand the challenges of a slew of top contenders such as Triple HHH and SHNITSKY!!! over the next five to ten years? BANK ON IT!!!
Some big news came out of NWA T and A this past week.
U-S-A! Yu-yu-yu-U-S-A! U-S-A! Hoooooooo!: In what's being touted as the shrewdest television deal signed in the last week, World Wrestling Federtainment Incorporated Limited Corporation inked a three-year contract to air Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw on the USA Network, fulfilling the network's mandate of showing Boring-Ass Shows Even HBO Won't Air and Reruns Of Law & Order.
WWE and USA "make the perfect tag team," according to a press release distributed by the company. "We've been the face-in-peril for too long now," USA President Bonnie Hammer said in the statement. "We're tired of playing Ricky Morton. We're ready to make the hot tag and enter like a house of fire."
According to television industry followers, the combination will put the competition "in a figure-four leglock, leaving them no choice to either reverse it or tap out. Or possibly reach the bottom rope to break the hold."
In addition to airing Raw, NBC will also air two yearly 90-minute specials on Saturday nights, forcing rival programs to increase their workrate or do a better job of selling. Advertising, that is.
A prominent Wall Street analyst called the move a "guaran-damn-teed way to place previous earnings forecasts in a cobra clutch, followed by a tope con hilo. Woooo!"
"Quite frankly, we believe that the combination of WWE and USA will hold back younger talent under the glass ceiling," figurehead WWE president Vince MacMahon said at a news conference. "We're going to hold onto our spot until other programs learn to work main event style."
WrestelMania Recall:As you're all aware by now, WrestelMania XXX1 is now history. While I wasn't able to watch the show, I had the next best thing: my trusty apprentice Johnny ITR e-mailed a LIVE correspondents report three days later. Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Johnny:
· Hey boss! Johnny ITR here. There were millions and millions of people here in L.A. And some of them even showed up to watch wrestling!
(Above: I'm the third person from the left there!)
· First up was a Jobber Invitational Battle Royal, in which the winner got one week off of Velocity or Heat. It was a "dark match", meaning they hadn't turned on the lights yet, and even though I couldn't tell who won, it was the best match ever! · EVER!!! · To open the show, there was a movie spoof featuring Stoned Cold Sheriff Austen playing a spot-on Bryan Dennehy from the film Gladiator. · Guess who came out to sing "America Is Beautiful"? None other than the WWE's own Lilith Garcia. But then she got interrupted by Hall O' Famers Nicolai Volkov and The Iran Sheik who said that "Iraq and Prussia number one, USA - hock, ptooey!", which got a huge pop because everyone's on a nostalgia kick these days! Then Nicolai started singing the Russian national anthem. "Ah yo sa-yo sayo misol kalasayo hiko a la…" before he got dropkicked over the top rope by Lilith and the match got underway! · The first match was between Latin Heat Eddie Guerrera and Roy Mystereo Junior, and it was great except that Roy Roy's mask fell off because it was being held together by masking tape. And then Eddie recognized his face and said "Yo, esse, don't I know you from when we were in the Dirty Animals in WCW, holmes?" And then Roy said "I was part of that group, but you weren't. I think you're confusing yourself with Conan." And then Eddie said "Viva la rasa!" · Then in the backstage area, Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld and his Corporation bumped into Triple HHH and His Dad. They started arguing with each other over who was better at ruining young talent, and they ended up agreeing to disagree and shook hands. · Next up was the 8-man "Bank On It!!! Ladder Match", which of course was won by The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain. At one point, though, Chris Benwah leaped off a 30-foot solid steel ladder and his arm fell clean off! (Bulldog's Note: That's actually just part of a storyline. Benwah is going to have his arm amputated so that he can pair up with the returning Zak Gowan, and they will be known as Brothers Without Limbs. Their logo will be a skull and crossbones, but the crossbones will be two crutches.) · Then Mean Eugene began shouting about how he was excluded from WrestelMania because he's Arab-American and the fans are all racist. Mohachmed Hussein and his manager Osama Arafat came to the ring next and politely informed him that while he's certainly entitled to his own opinion, this wasn't proper time or place to bring it up. This brought out Hollywood Hal Kogan, who posed in the ring for 30 minutes for no apparent reason. · Next up was the match between Randy ORTON! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! and The Classic Old-School Ordertaker, who was carrying an open casket to the ring with Pope John Paul III in it, so that all of the WWE fans could pay their proper respects. (Bulldog's Note: Classy move. But now I feel kind of stupid about traveling all the way to Spain this weekend to say my final goodbyes.) · From there, we had the main event -- Tritch Stratus against Kirstie Hemmey for the vacant WWE Girls Title. Lots of color, great ring psychology. A ***** MOTYC if I ever saw one!!! · The next segment was Piper's Place in which Rod Roddy Piper told Stoned Cold Sheriff Austen how much he respected him, and the two hugged briefly. Then Charlita Caribbean Cruel came to the ring and said "I throw up in the faces of people who aren't cool" and he spit his apple in Piper's face. Then Austen spit beer in Cruel's face! The Piper snorted cocaine and spit it into Austen's face! (Bulldog's Note: This is widely expected to set up for a three-way match at SummerSlam.) · Then we saw the special "piss break" match between Kur Tangle and Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaels. I used this as an opportunity to take a piss break. · I got back just in time to see The Best Show locking horns with Akeboner. And at the starting, the 4 foot Hawaiian had a "wardrobe malfunction", and you could see how the guy got his name "Akeboner" (LOL!) (Bulldog's Note: I don't get it.) · The highlight of their match was when Akeboner did a shooting star press to the outside onto Best Show, who was laying prone on a ringside table. But the table didn't break because it was made of SOLID STEEL! · Then they introduced all the old-timers, and each of them was making out with a different hot chick! But for some reason, Bobby "The Brian" Heenen got stuck with Mae Yung and Marvelous Moolah and so he started complaining and calling people "ham and eggers"! And then Paul "Sir Wonderful" Orndork came out and he was angry because Hal Kogan didn't return his phone call when he was at the gym! And then he held up Hogan's arm in celebration… AND THEN HE CLOTHESLINED HIM!!! And then commentator Bruno Santamartina called it a "nice clothesliner"! And then Orndork and Heenen and Adrian The Adonis and Big John Stud started celebrating backstage! And it was the best Hall O' Fame segment ever! · EVER!!! · Then I had to go, or else I would have missed my flighttrainride walk back home.
Thank you, Johnny, for that complete and not-at-all inaccurate report of the big card. I'm so glad I didn't read any of those "Internet" reports from the event.
Finally, let's open things up to some Q & A, shall we?
Q: Bulldog, what can you tell me about the new World Champion Batista? A: Not much.
Q: You should tell everyone in your column about how Millionaire Man Teddy Beassey is going to buy World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. Inc. Ltd. and he's going to make Bodyguard Virgin the new WWF/WCW/WWE World Champion. And it will be the best thing ever!!! EVER!!! A: Dude, that's just not going to happen. And FYI, you may want to do a check on some of those wrestlers names…
Q: Who do you think will get switched in the draft lottery? A: Thanks for the compliment!!!
Well, that's about it for this week. Be sure to send me any feedback (unless it's about that pope remark) to Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.