CANADIAN BULLDOG
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Since: 5.3.03
From: TORONTO
Since last post: 1166 days
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|  #1 Posted on 1.4.05 1311.21 | Instant Rating: 7.27 |
"If ya wanna me see go make a buncha shitty movies no one will ever watch, gimme an 'Oh heck yes'!" -- Stoned Cold Sheriff Austen, recently.
Welcome to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and SOMEWHAT HAIRY edition of Inside The Ropes, the only wrestling column that also advertises a "Best Shirt Ever! EVER!!!". I'm Canadian Bulldog, jobber to the stars. Welcome.
As you all know by know unless you're stupid or Matt Hocking, we are just TWENTY-SEVEN days away from "The Grandfather Of Them All"; "The Showcase Of The Immaterials"; an event so big, they had no choice but to call it: WrestelMania XXX1: WrestelMania Goes Bollywood.
What kind of in-depth analysis can I give you marks readers that's different from what you're getting on other websites? I thought about this burning question for at least thirty seconds. Then it hit me: a piece of my ceiling (we are having plaster problems like you wouldn't BELIEVE). But once I came to, I was WAY behind schedule and had to provide this piece of shit instead:
The ONLY WrestelMania Preview You Need (Unless You Want One That's Factually Accurate)
First, a few facts about the big event. DID YOU KNOW?:
• The show is named after its creator, socialite Russ L. Mania the Twenty-First?
• Future Hall O' Famer Hollywood Hal Kogan may break his usual ban of public appearances to make a rare cameo?
• On SuNdAy nIghT hEAt, tag team champions William Royal and Takajiri are expected to take on the team of No One.
• World Wrestling Federtainment Corporation Limited Incorporated is REFUSING to allow Iraqi superstar Mohachmed Hussein to wrestle on the show because he's racist?
• World Wrestling Federtainment Corporation Limited Incorporated is REFUSING to allow HI-DAN-RIKE, Chris Masterpiece, SHNITSKY!!! and Kenzozoki Sazozuki to wrestle on the show because they ABSOLUTELY SUCK?
• Expected in the audience of the show is B-movie actor Stuart Stone, who'd better show up with a Canadian Bulldog-related sign, if he knows what's fucking good for him?
And now, onto the matches:
TALE OF THE TAPE
| Name | From | Weight | Height | Strengths | Weaknesses |
| Deacon Bautista | Washington Monument | 300ish | Big! | Many | Afraid to be touched |
| Triple HHH | Vince MacMahon's guest house | Don't know | 6 feet plus | Banging bosses daughter | Pushes young talent too much |
Who could have predicted just three short weeks ago that the two co-founders of Revolution would be squaring off? No one, that's who!!!
The problem here is that Bautista obviously never knew how good he had it until he betrayed his former teammates. He could have been someone. He could have been a contender. But now, Triple HHH will have to show him why everyone calls him "The Criminal Assassin."
Official Prediction: Too close to call.
TALE OF THE TAPE
| Name | From | Weight | Height | Strengths | Weaknesses |
| John Ceno | The Mean Streets of Somewhere | Cruiser | Average | Yo, you can't see him | Suffers from acute cheappopitis |
| John Breadshaw Lagerfeld | Wall Street, Texas | Too much | 6"10 or 5"9 | Bigot | Rapist |
I understand that Smack! Down district manager T.D. Long made this match, but otherwise I would have figured it was made in WORKRATE HEAVEN!!!
One of these guys is rich, snobby and racist, while JLB has proven time and time again that he is a "wrestling dog". One can only wonder what happens when SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT CULTURES COLLIDE.
Official Prediction: Not sure.
TALE OF THE TAPE
| Name | From | Weight | Height | Strengths | Weaknesses |
| Kur Tangle | The Olympics | A slim, trim 217 pounds | Barely | The three I's: Intestiny, Importance and the other one | Neck keeps breaking, falling off |
| Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaels | San Antonio Spurs | No, you wait | Varies | Xtreme Sexiness | Blades at least once an hour |
These two former "tag team specialists" are finally ready to prove to the world that they, too, can wrestle an adequate match in a one-on-one situation.
This all started when HKB "accidentally" eliminated Tangle from the Regal Rumble. Then, in a shocking turn of events, Tangle disguised himself as a cameraman and attacked himself at a Smack! Down taping, leaving himself lying in a pool of his own blood. From there, McMichaels tried to imitate all of his own career highlights on Raw, such as Refusing To Put Over Brett Heart and Being Beat Up By A Bunch Of Marines.
Official Prediction: Yes.
TALE OF THE TAPE
| Name | From | Weight | Height | Strengths | Weaknesses |
| Randy ORTON! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! | Same town as his punk-ass dad | Probably | 5"21 | Never has to lug around cumbersome books | None whatsoever |
| The Classic Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To | The Morgue | 340 kg | Yes | Advantageous position of being deceased | The guy ain't in his 40's anymore, if ya catch my drift |
It's the age old question all of you marks fans have been asking: What would happen if a legend who refuses to job ever faced off against a moron?
Obviously, the momentum is currently with ORTON! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! because his father, Father Orton, is being indicted into the Hall O' Fame, and also because he recently gave his H20 finisher to Stacey Keebler. But will that be enough when he's going against a man who's 176-0 at WrestelMania? WILL IT???
Official Prediction: WELL, WILL IT???
TALE OF THE TAPE
| Name | From | Weight | Height | Strengths | Weaknesses |
| Chris Benwah | Edmonton, Atlanta | Under control | Vanilla midget | Technical wrestling specialist | Bad breath |
| The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain | Also from The Morgue | 6"6 | 303 pounds | Fire | Leeta is two-timing him |
| The Christian | The Vatican | Could stand to a lose a few pounds | 5.5 metres | They don't call him "Captain Christmas" for nothing! | Snidely Whiplash-style moustache |
| ThEdge | Bulldog's backyard -- literally (you better return that frisbee, BASTARD!) | 23 metric tonnes | Yes | Not afraid to sleep his way to the top | Leeta is two-timing him |
| Sheldon Benjamin | What do I look like, a fucking Atlas? | Who cares? | Honestly, are you even READING this at this point? | P.S. I have murdered several people | P.S.S. Actor Stuart Stone is gay |
| Y J Stinger Chuck Jericho | Don't know | Unknown | Not sure | n/a | Leeta is two-timing him |
If the idea of six guys repeatedly tossing themselves off aluminum stepladders is what you want, then THIS IS THE MATCH FOR YOU, PALLY!!!
The winner of this match will be the first person to grab hold of the glass ceiling!!! And then they get to shatter it!!! And that will make Triple HHH cry!!! But there's nothing he can do about it because it's part of the stipulation!!! And so he'll make Nature Guy Ricky Flare job to The Brooklyn Basher because he's so pissed!!! And it will be the best match ever!
Official Prediction: EVER!!!
TALE OF THE TAPE
| Name | From | Weight | Height | Strengths | Weaknesses |
| Kirstie Hemmey | Playboy Mansion, living with Hugh Hebner | Won't tell us | 6 foot something | Often naked | Sudden emergence of facial hair |
| Tritch Stratus | My dreams! | 375 lbs. | Height | Has captured Bulldog's heart | SLUT!!! |
These ladies are mad at each other for appearing on consecutive covers of Playgirl Magazine. But I ask ya, is THAT a reason to have a feud? (Sigh) women…
Of note is that The Returning And No Longer Pregnant But Still Slutty Leeta will be a neutral corner, making sure that neither competitor pulls off any moves without injuring themselves.
Official Prediction: Don't care.
TALE OF THE TAPE
| Name | From | Weight | Height | Strengths | Weaknesses |
| The Best Show | Deepest, Darkest Africa | 5,000 pounds | 9"3 | Wears a Mr. T-style Mohawk quite well | Fat |
| Akeboner | China | 5,000,000,000,000,000,000 ounces | 4"2 | Fat | Banzai! |
Everywhere I go these days (airports, hotels, NAMBLA meetings), people come up to me and say "Who is this Akeboner guy?". To which I respond "Thanks for the compliment!!!". Then they usually walk away quietly…
The Best Show is in for the BEST SHOW (pun not intended) of his life, putting the over the fat Asian superstar in the center of the ring. This one all comes down to which wrestler wants it more, and also whom the bookers have predetermined will win.
Official Prediction: This prediction brought to you by IcoPro -- "you've got to want it".
TALE OF THE TAPE
| Name | From | Weight | Height | Strengths | Weaknesses |
| Latin Heat Eddie Guerrera | Spain | 112 pounds | 3"9 | He lies. He cheats. He steals. | He lies. He cheats. He steals. |
| Roy Mysterio Junior | New Spain | 12 pounds | 0"3 | Fast | Furious |
This dream team was getting along just fine until earlier this year, when Guerrera accused Mysterio of "lusting after" Elizabeth. But they continued to stick it out until Guerrera abandoned his partner during a match with The Twin Towers. And the end of the show came with Roy walking through the halls muttering "Edddddddddddddie! Eddddddddddie! EDDDDDDDDDIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
And now… the team of Guerrera and Mysterio EXPLODES, here at WrestelMania!!!
Official Prediction: Put the smart money on the guy with Latin heritage.
TALE OF THE TAPE
| Name | From | Weight | Height | Strengths | Weaknesses |
| Rod Roddy Piper | Glasgow, Scotland, England, Wales, Ireland | at least 400 | Head and shoulders above the competition | Crazy | No, seriously |
| Stoned Cold Sheriff Austen | WHAT? | WHAT? | WHAT? | WHAT? | WHAT? |
For the first time ever, two of the biggest drinkers/drug-abusers/psychos/wifebeaters will "lock horns" on the grandest stage of them all. Who will win? Folks… who WON'T win?
Official Prediction: Hard to pick a winner
There you have it. From where I sit (my living room, avoiding the falling plaster), this one is shaping up to be the biggest, baddest and most boring paper-view ever! (EVER!!!).
If you have any questions, comments or want to e-mail me with the results (I won't be watching it), drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com. And remember, if you heard here first, it’s… Inside The Ropes.
Heenen! Kimala! Volkov! And...er... Jesus.... it's Letters From A Nut VI in the latest Inside The Ropes
Check out my Year-End Awards voting!!!
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