Some of these When We Were Marks columns take hours of agonizing. Some however get written in the course of an afternoon. This one is one of my fastest When We Were Marks columns ever. Basically someone asked why the Evil Ninja was also referred to as Hardcore Ninja Number Two. The following was my answer…
When We Were Marks A Hardcore Ninja Fractured Fairy Tale
Once upon a time there were two Ninja brothers from Fabertown, Japan (home of the famous Ninja Gardens) who came to Montreal to become international wrestling superstars. One Ninja was older than the other by fifteen minutes and since he was the older brother, he was called Hardcore Ninja Number One. Sometimes he was called just the Hardcore Ninja. Hardcore Ninja Number One liked tattoos, puppies and helping little old ladies across the street.
His younger brother was called simply Hardcore Ninja Number Two. Because he sometimes wore a yellow belt, he was sometimes referred to as the Yellow Ninja. Unlike his older brother, Hardcore Ninja Number Two did not like tattoos or at least visible ones. Hardcore Ninja Number Two believed that if you were going to be committing crimes, you probably should not have distinguishing features. Hardcore Ninja Number Two liked puppies as well... at least as long as they were served with a teriyaki sauce. He also enjoyed helping little old ladies across the street... so that he could push them under a bus.
Despite their differences, the Hardcore Ninjaz worked well together as a team winning the IWS tag team titles on multiple occasions.
One day, the devilishly handsome Kid Kamikaze, and his partner Beef Wellington, challenged the Hardcore Ninjaz to a barbed wire ladder match for the IWS tag team titles. Hi-5, for that was the collective name for the team of the incredibly talented Kid Kamikaze, and his partner Beef Wellington, planned to steal the titles by planting an explosive charge on one of the ladders and blowing up the ladder with a Ninja on it.
Fortunately, Hardcore Ninja Number One suspected that Hi-5 were up to no good, found the explosive and defused it before the match started. Unfortunately, Hi-5 found others way to cheat to win the tag titles.
After the match, angry over losing the titles, Hardcore Ninja Number Two super kicked his brother in the face and turned EVIL.
(Actually, given the whole eating puppies and pushing old ladies under buses thing, he was probably EVIL all along and we just didn't realize it.)
Iron Mike Patterson became the Evil Ninja's manager and since Patterson like saying "TWOOOO" a lot depending on his mood, he called the Evil Ninja either "The Evil Ninja" or "Hardcore Ninja Number TWOOOO" or "The Evil Ninja Number TWOOOO"
Many people pointed out that since there was just one Good Ninja and just one Evil Ninja, calling the Evil Ninja, "Evil Ninja Number TWOOOO" was a little inaccurate. To this, Iron Mike Patterson would usually say, “SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE YOU FREAK! I am Iron Mike Patterson! I am a big star! I have my own Chevrolet commercial! I was in a movie with George Clooney! I am down to 25% body fat!”
Usually at this point, the Evil Ninja would roll his eyes, because making fun of your manager’s weight is EVIL, and we would laugh and laugh and laugh.
Eventually, Hardcore Ninja Number One forced his brother to face him in a "Brother vs. Brother, Ninja vs. Ninja, Flesh vs. Steel, No Ropes Barbed Wire Match" This match from Freedom to Fight 2003 can be purchased from Mike Burns at www.smartmarkvideo.com The Evil Ninja won because he is EVIL and they all lived happily ever after... except Hardcore Ninja Number One who had to have 17 stitches because of the barbed wire.
T.S. Quint: How is it that I go from the verge of hot Floridian sex with Brandi to man of steel coital debates with you in the food court? Brodie: Cookie stand isn't part of the food court. T.S. Quint: Of course it is. Brodie: