LOL I am bizzack with more Hot Newz LIVE from my brain, to my keyboard, to your eyes! And the big newz this week is that FINALLY after years of online petitions Vince has agreed to make a Bret Hart DVD! And it will be a fair and balanced DVD about how Bret sucks and is better and should just get over Montreal the crybaby bastard! And there will be an interview with Bischoff where he says "Yes, finally, I will admit that, umm...okay, I'll say it! I'll admit that I was going to have Bret show up on Nitro the day after Survivor Series and piss all over the WWF belt! Literally piss all over it! And that is why Vince was one hundred percent correct in screwing Bret!" but then the camera pans back and you see Vince standing behind Bischoff with a gun pressed into his back! And they'll also show a clip of Owen Hart back when he was a heel before he died saying "I hate my stinky rotten brother Bret, he's a glory hog and he hogs glory and he should be screwed over at every opportunity, whooo!" to prove that even Bret's own family agreed with Montreal! Then they'll show the footage of Shawn Michaels putting that midget dressed as Bret in the sharpshooter from RAW and then they'll interview the actual real midget who'll reveal that Shawn's sharpshooter was the most painful hold he's ever been in and he actually passed out from the pain so Bret would have quit anyway and possibily DIED in the hold so Hebner actually rang the bell for Bret's own safety!!!!
After showing such high workrate in teh mixed tag match on Smackdown, Michelle McCool (Real name Michelle McColon!) will be moved to RAW to improve the woman's division! Good move, I say!
But the as big as those two newz itemz are (and they're HUGE make no mistake aboot it!) the REAL big newz this week is that Matt Hardy and Lita Dumas have split up! And apparenetly Matt dumped Lita's ass when he found out she was doing the sex with a co-worker! Which is a dumb move by Matt if you ask me, unless Matt has someone even hotter lined up to be his next gf! And at the moment NOBODY on the internet knows who Lita cheated with, but I can exclusively reveal that there have been rumors of Lita with...Trish(!)...and Christy Hemme(!!)...and a bucket of whipped cream(!!!) Even though these are just rumors I think it's very important that was all visualise this sceanario in our minds...
OMG, I just got an IM from my homie Doctor Stumpy on the Matt/Lita shituation, here's da transcript!
DrStumpy: Dood I just got some big newz from one of my sources in the locker room...but you can't tell anyone yet... HotHotHot: OMG, is it about Matt and Lita? DrStumpy: Yeah doodster. Okayz, promise you won't put it in your next report? HotHotHot: I swear on Hardcore Holly's life! DrStumpy: Kewl...right dood here it is, fasten your seat belt if you're wearing one which you're probably not since you aren't in a car...Lita was cheating with...Edge! HotHotHot: EDGE!? DrStumpy: Yeah bro I couldn't not belive it neither! Apparently it was Edge's wife who told Matt what was going on. HotHotHot: You mean Val Venis' sister? DrStumpy: No, he divorced her and got married again! HotHotHot: OMFGOL! DrStumpy: Just don't say anything yet okay I could get into trouble... HotHotHot: I won't you can trust me my friend!
That was ten minutes ago and now I can EXCLUSIVELY be the first person on the internet to reveal that Lita was fooling around with sexually with Edge behind Matt Hardy's very back! And I guess what Trish said was true after all, Lita's knee might be out of commission, but her uterus is still open for business! Since this is such a deeply personal sensitive situation and I feel bad for Matt Hardy I won't say anything further...
Except I do have one question for that sleazy horse-toothed cheating Edge...how did you get to be such a mack!? I mean, first you marry Val Venis' hot (I assume, her brother is a pr0n star!) sister, THEN you cheat on her (I assume!) with your new even hotter (she must be or why would you marry her!?) second wife and THEN you cheat on her with the new hottest WWE Diva of all time (sleeping around is HOT and you know it!) Lita! You are so fucking cool! But I would like to add that I hope the fans don't treat Edge too harshly and chant "man whore" and throw used condoms and stuff. Because, even though I have no way of knowing if this it true or not, I believe that Lita probably slept with most of the locker room and Edge was just unlucky enough to be the one who was caught with her. It was probably like a game of pass the parcel with Lita as the parcel and Edge was the one holding her when the music stopped!
And one final note to the WWE DON'T fire Lita because of this! There is the opporchancity of a lifetime now to do the GREATEST ANGLE EVER when Lita returns! Since it is now known that she is a serial shoot slut, Lita should be booked as a serial kayfabe slut and be shown sleeping around with half the RAW roster (let's face it she's probably slept with them for real anyway and smoked crack in their beds afterwards!) and even move on to the girls (Trish, Christy, whipped cream!) and THEN Lita's slut army could invade Smackdown where Matt Hardy is now wrestling and it would be even better than the Invasion angle!
And FINALLY, even though I don't WANT to do this, I understand my readers will DEMAND IT if I don't, so here it is, purely in the public interest: Matt/Lita/Edge sign ideas!
Lita Cheated On This Sign!
Edge Speared Lita (With His Cock!)
Matt Fact: He Should Go Gay Like His Brother!
Lita Gave This Sign Herpes!
Val, Can I Have Your Sister's Phone Number?
Kane, Get A Divorce Quick!
Lita, Christy, Trish And A Bucket Of Whipped Cream: It Could Still Happen!
Lita Is 250-0 In Men She's Bedded!
Give Her A Second Rope Legdrop, Matt!
Matt I'm Here For You - hold this if you're a girl!
In other newz, Ted Dibaise is...ah, who cares, LITA AND EDGE, LITA AND EDGE, LITA AND EDGE!!!!!!!!!!!!11
Now it's time for this weeks WrestleMania update! Lots of GREAT matches have been added to WrestleMania in the last seven days and I can confidently say that this year's wrestlemania will be even BETTER than WM 18 (but not as good as WM 19!)
"Lefty" Mark "The Hammer" Jindrak versus Luther Reigns in a Brawl 4 All match has been added!
Big Show versus Akeebono in a Sumo match has been added! Akeebone was trained in Japan where as you all know the wrestling is ten times better than it is here so he must be good and this will be a shoot!
A six man ladder in a cage match with Jericho, Benoit, Hassan, Christian, Benjamin and Edge (with Lita in his corner!?) has been added and unlike normal ladder matches this one will be in a STEEL cage so it should be even better!
Trish Stratus versus Christy Hemme has been changed to a Lingerie Pillow Street, so expect lots of blood and lots of panty shots!
And Stone Cold will appear on a special Piper's Pit! Austin will come out smoking a big Texas cigar and Piper says "uhh buddy-boy, there's no smoking on Piper's Pit you greasy sausage!" but Austin refuses to put it out and then Piper pulls a fire extiguisher out of his kilt and spray it all over Austin! And Austin's pissed off because you don't spray a rattlesnake and he goes for the stunner but Piper pulls a coconut out of his kilt and smashes it over Austin's head! And Austin blades and Piper goes to work on the cut then puts Austin in a sleeper and JR screams "DAMN THAT BASTARD, YOU CAN'T TRUST A SCOTSMAN, HE'S TRYING TO END AUSTIN'S CAREER!" but then Hulk Hogan comes running (jogging...walking briskly) out to make the save and gives Piper three punches a big boot and a legdrop and says "this one's for Zach Gowen, brother!" but then Zach Gowen jumps out from under the ring and gives Hogan a low blow and says "you never visited me in the hospital!" Then Gowen gives Hogan a one legged legdrop and this sets up Piper and Gowen versus Austin and Hogan at Backslash!
This is a new section in Hot Newz for U, the fans of ME (Hot Newz!) And you can send in anything you like as long as it's good or ask me question or whatever the fizzuck you want! And first we have a quizzestion from The Jackhole, wat's your question dood?
Hey r u gay because last week u said u want the rock ONE ON ONE in his bed all oiled up and it disgusted me okay so either u stop beiing gay or I stop reading you understand me boy. I hat gays.
This is not what the fan section is all about! But 4 the record, not that there's anything wrong with it, I'm not gay, I was just joking around with Gail Kim who by the way I want to sex0r pretty bad! And when you said you "hat" gays I think you meant to type that you "HEART" gays becuase you're the gay one, gaywad!
And now for a list of quotes that my fan Nekrophiliac has sent in! This is a bit like what that Mister Hyatte guy does I will admit except these quotes are more rude! And I haven't bothred checking to see if they are all correct but I'm sure they are!!!!
"SHIT, FUCK, THE FUCKING SIGN JUST FELL DOWN Call the hotline for more!" - Gene Okerlund at Summerslam '90 when a sign fell down behind him
"Princess Diana looking on from the crowd...sorry, I meant Davey Boy's wife Diana. Princess Diana is dead, isn't she? No? Sorry!" - Vince McMahon, Summerslam 1992, spookily predicting Diana's death five years later
"I'll tickle you with an ostrich feather!" - Doink the Clown, year unknown
"I've had sex with a lot of men, but Shamrock ain't one of them. Wait a minute, did I just mean to say that out loud?" - Triple H at King Of The Ring '98
"I am the first Eurocontinental champion in WWF history! Except for D-Lo Brown, but he doesn't count. Because he's black." - Kurt Angle, RAW February 2000
"Triple H, you come out here and you run your mouth about how you're the best, but as far as The Rock is concerned, you're only the best at taking steroids! Everyone knows you're only the world champion because you take your big HGH nose, you lube it up real nice, turn that sumbitch sideways and stick it straight up Stephanie's muff! And I'm not talking about her fitness instructor Muffy who briefly appeared earlier this year!" - The Rock, RAW, late 2000
"LITA JERKING EDGE OFF - RIGHT IN FRONT OF MATT'S FACE GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY SHE HAS NO SHAME - THE LADDER!" - JR, Wrestlemania X7
"Look at that hideous, slimey, rotund, stinky, pot-marked, disgusting, homosexual boil on the ass of life that is Paul Heyman as he talks on that phone! HE MAKES ME SICK TO MY DAMN STOMACH" - JR in one of his more lucid moments, RAW September 2001
"HUUUUUUH!?" - Matt Hardy when he found out about Lita cheating on him with Edge!
Okay I made that last one up, lol! Back next week or somethign with more EXLUSIVES that you won't read elsewhere and possibily an interview with Lita!!!!!!!!112two
Good column, -Thanks Llanor, -The official J210 incorrect spelling of my name is "Lankor" but don't blame WWF. -And why not? Blame the ECW fans morality -Now there's three words that you don't see in the same sentence very often.