"I am going to make a lot of dollar dollar bills. Believe that, player. Holler holler!" -- Smack! Down District Manager T.D. Long, 2004.
Welcome, everyone, to the latest EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and SLIGHTLY RUSHED edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, and because I don't have a lot of time this week to spout my usual drivel this week, let's just pick a topic at random, shall we? For example, how about…
The WWWE Hall of Fame!!!
As you all know unless you're a bunch of IDIOTS, World Wrestling Federtainment Inc. Corp. LLC Ltd. is considering inducting seven lucky stiffs into their prestigious museum next month.
Who are these people, and why should I give a shit? Excellent questions. Let's take a looksee at the Class Of '05:
Jim E. "Mouth In The South" Hart Hometown: Memphis, Virginia Weight: 120 pounds soaking wet Championships Won: Yes Awards & Accolades: Wrestling Eye Manager of the Year Award, 1979-2006; Hal Kogan Lackey Award™, 1995; Homosexual Manager Of The Year Award, 1986; Memphis Mid-South Voted On By A Bunch of Rednecks Award, 1983.
No one in the illustrious history of wrestling has accomplished more than Jim E. Hart. Actually, that's kind of a lie. Stoned Cold Steve Austen accomplished more. So did Rocky Maivia. And Triple HHH. Hell, even Max Moon had a decent run…
Hart grew up on the mean streets of Memphis, where he first gained fame as a singer in the bubble-gum pop band The Beach Boys. His success on vinyl quickly translated to success in the circled square, when he managed Every Single Fucking Heel In Memphis For Like Fifteen Years against the likes of Jerry "The King" Lawyer and "Superstar" Crocodile Dundee.
Then he moved on to Vince MacMahon Junior's fledging World Wrestling World Wide Wrestling Federation, where he managed superstars such as "Arrogant" Adrian The Adonis, Terry, Dorey and Jimmy Jack Fuck, Greg "The Hacksaw" Valentino, The Hart Fund, Dangerous David Davis, Bruno Santamartina (most people won't remember that angle), The Hanky Panky Man, The Hidden Link, Dino Brava, The Nasty Guys, Earthquake, Typhoon, Tsunami and Money Corp.
Tired of having a respectable job, Hart was persuaded to join Eric Bischov's fledgling World Wide Championship Wrestling Federation and the first person he signed was… Hollywood Hal Kogan!!! What a coup for the little runt!!! He also managed About 30 Shitty Guys Like Ming in his never-ending Faces Of Doom stable.
Finally, Hart went out with a bang becoming the DRIVING FORCE behind the XWF, a company that taped their first eight episodes like three years ago!!! And the show hasn't even made it to air yet!!! And now most of the wrestlers are dead!!! And the guys who were decent all suck now!!! And it was the best concept for a wrestling company ever!!!
The Iran Sheik Hometown: TheheraTreheranTerroran The Middle East Weight: No, you wait!!! Championships Won: WWF World Champion (no, seriously!), Probably The Hardcore Title at one point; WCW Iran Title Awards & Accolades: Biggest Gut Award, 2000; Most Famous Iranian Not Currently Dead Award, 1989; Nobel Peace Price, 1987; Mr. Gay Iran, 1994.
"Meester camera man. Zoom in on zese abs!" Who can forget those famous words?
A lot of people, actually. Which is why many were surprised that The Iran Sheik was nominated for this prestigious Hall of Fame.
The Shiek's real name is Khosrow Daivari and he's the real-life son of The Original Sheik, whose nephews are Saboo and Rob Van-Damme. So you can see just how incestuous the wrestling world is!!!
Sheik emigrated from Irania in 1960something, probably because he was a terrorist. Then he got managed by "The Hollywood License Plate" Classy "Freddie" Blassey and quickly won the WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWF Title, upsetting Bob Backlan in 1983 for the Ugly Green Strap.
Soon, Shiek had to do the J.O.B. to H.A.L.K.O.G.A.N. and was never, ever heard from again…
… OR WAS HE?
No, he wasn't.
"Mr. Incredible" Paul Orndork Hometown: Probably Weight: 25 Championships Won: None - HAHAHA, what a loser!!! Awards & Accolades: PWI Something Of The Year, 1979; WCW Power Plant Employee Of The Month, 1999; Gay Bodybuilder Of The Year, 1979.
Driven. Successful. Goal-oriented. None of these terms really describe Paul Orndork all that well.
The son of a plumber (possibly), Orndork first made headlines in the old Mid-Southern Western East territory in the North. Then he became friends with Hal Kogan and then he turned on him. Then he became friends with him again, and then he turned on him again.
Somewhere along the lines, one of his arms shrunk to be smaller than his other one due to a combination of injuries, wear and tear, and excessive steroid abuse.
From there, Orndork went to WCW, where he teamed with Paul "Tony" Roma as "Pretty Wonderful"; with Rick Rood as "Pretty Rude"; with Buff Bagwell as "Pretty Buff" and with Lex Lugar as "Pretty Terrible".
Cowboy Bob ORTON! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! Hometown: Same town as his punk-ass kid Weight: Too much Championships: Only some regional territory shit Awards & Accolades: Regional Territory Shit Award, 1983; Gay Bodyguard Of The Year, 1987.
Bob ORTON! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! was born in, let's say the 1940's, with the unfortunate medical condition of having a cast on his arm.
The youngster quickly made a name himself, jobbing to all of the top wrestlers of the era, and then becoming a "bodyguard" to noted nutjob Rod Roddy Piper, who himself never really amounted to anything.
Rod Roddy Piper Hometown: Glasgow, England, United Kingdom, Europe, Canada Weight: 479.5 pounds Championships: Doesn't matter - he'll probably make it all up anyways. Awards & Accolades: Artificial Hip Recipient Of The Year; 1998; Nuttiest Man In The Asylum Award, 2002 - Present; Shittiest Actor Of The Year, 1987; Gay Bagpipe-Playing Scotsman Of The Year, 1985.
If you could only use one word to describe Rod Roddy Piper, it would probably be "Gutsy, Take-No-Prisoners Innovative Pioneer Who Eventually Lost His Mind".
Born on the mean streets on Winnipeg (no, seriously!), Piper quickly became a wrestling superstar by making tons of crap up about how amazing he was, according to his autobiography entitled "I'm Making A Bunch Of Crap Up: The Rod Roddy Piper Story".
After (cough cough) single-handedly selling out every territory he wrestled in, he moved to the WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWF, where he headlined the first-ever WrestelMania One against actor Mister T (Gary Coleman). He also main-evented Wrestel Mania Two, also against Tee - this time in a boxing match!!!
Piper then moved on to Hollywood, where he made a ton of crappy B-movies with Billy Blanks (Orlando Jordan). From there, he un-retired about 17 times, each time making a bigger impact than the last! But aside from his weight gain, he wasn't as good in the ring anymore.
Piper will be missed by fans worldwide. At least, I think he's dead.
Nickelai Volkov Hometown: Mother Russia Weight: Yes Championships: Moscow Wrestling Federation heavyweight champion, 2006. Awards & Accolades: KGB Employee Of The Month, 1972; Baldest Commie Award, 1984; Baldest Reformed Commie Award, 1994; Soviet Homosexual Of The Year Award, 1997.
Built like a bear and as smart as one, too, not many opponents struck fear in their opponents hearts like Nickelai Volkov.
Actually, that's just a crock of shit. Who used to be scared of Nickelai? Maybe Corporal Kirschener, but that's really about it.
Volkov used to be the secret service agent for Mikhail Gorbachoff (real name: Mikhail Baryshnikov) until he got the special assignment to destroy the USA via stinking up wrestling arenas.
He will best be remembered as either the bumbling sidekick to Iran Sheik, the bumbling tag team partner of Boris Zukkovvv or the bumbling manservant of Millionaire Man Teddy Beeassey.
Hollywood Hal Kogan Hometown: Some beach in Venice Weight: 302,000,000 pounds Championships: WWF World Title 34 times; WCW World Title 65 times; USWA World Title 140,328,706 times. Awards & Accolades: Numerous. Also the gay thing.
A lot can be said about "The Immaterial" Hal Kogan. Unfortunately, I can't think of much at this time…
… OR CAN I?
Nope, I can't.
But next week I will. Next week, this ENTIRE column will be dedicated to a little thing called "Hal-Ko-Mania"! Oh yeah, BROTHER!!!
Unless I can think of something better to write about…
… OR CAN I?
Nope. Not yet.
Anyways, be sure to drop me a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.
Originally posted by devineman"he moved to the WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWF"
Huh? I thought it was the WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWF at the time. Oh well, great as usual CB
(edited by devineman on 5.3.05 0023)
That's a common misconception. They were originally called the WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWF, but they had to change it to WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWE to appease those damned special interest groups.
Redsoxnation, Yes, I took into account that Gunn possessed all the problems listed at the top of the article. But if those were the only considerations for WWE success, I wouldn't have gone on to write the rest of the column.