OMFG Happpy Newz Year! I am back at you in 2izz005 with more hot newz! And I have an extra special treat for all my pimz and hoez this week but more on that in a minute because FIRST of all I have teh BIGGEST AND BESTEST news of this year or ANY year: Playboy is doing a WWE Divas 100 page special with all 50 WWE Divas, some nude!!!!!! Here is a full list of the status of EVERY Diva (except the ones I can't remember) and what state of undress they'll be in because some of them have wacky conditions!
Victoria, Torrie Wilson, Christy Hemme(!!!1), Maria(!!!11) and Lita(!!111) will be totally, utterly, completely, sexily NAKED WITH NO CLOTHES ON FULL FRONTAL!!!
Dawn Marie will be naked full frontal no clothes on too, but they'll use air-brushing to make her look younger! (She's like 40!)
Trish Stratus will be totally naked but with her back to the camera! But there will be a mirror in front of her! BUT it will be one of those funhouse mirrors that distorts her naked body to make her look like a full frontal naked dwarf! But it'll still be hot!
Michelle McCool will be in a bikini but with visible nipple slip!
Stacy Keibler will be fully clothed but with a slighty short skirt and she'll be bending over a little, but she'll have panties on. SO WHAT'S THE POINT!?
Stehanie McMahon(!) will be in tight leather hot pants and a WET T-SHIRT~!~!~! and will look the hottest!
Molly Holly will be in tight jeans and topless(!!!!) but with her hands over her breasts and gloves on her hands and a caption reading "Molly Holly is a Christian and obeys the teachings of the Lord God Jesus Christ so don't get any funny ideas!"
Amy Webber will be naked except she will have JBL's cowboy hat covering up the promised land!
That latino girl from RAW won't be in it because she isn't hot!
Remember that extra special treat I mentioned way way back at the beginning of this colum? Well here it is! Everyone knows WWE sucks now and is going to continue to suck for the rest of 2005. Well I'm going to show you the WWE as it should be if booked by me, Hot Newz! This is how I'd book the entire 2005 in the WWE! I'll start with a DEATAILED booking of how I'd have done New Years Revolutions (named after the third Matrix movie, no wonder it sucked!) then move on to the rest of the year! And there will be less detail in the later months because I can't see that far into the future but I guarentee that my WWE will be better than the one we get in 2005 or your money back! So her'es New Years Evolution and remember that this is MY booking of it and that's why it's good!
Lita versus Trish - good choice for an opener by me to get the crowd hot and I don't just mean because the girls are hot lol! And they do the exact same match as on RAW (complete with Lita's messed up dive!) but at the end before she does the moonsault Lita pulls her top off like she used to do and she's just got a bra on underneath and then she pulls her PANTS off too and she's just got a thong(~!) on underneath and she does the moonsault for the clean win! But then Lita stomps on Trish's tits a bit afterwards and sneers like she's been doing lately to show a new mean side to her character but the fans will still cheer anyway because she's in a bra and thong! Then to show how badass she is she starts drinking vodka straight from the bottle and smoking!
Regal and Eugene versus Christian and Tyson Tompko - Eugene comes out with Christy Hemme who is his girlfriend now (character development!) and he and Regal win after ten minute of tag action. And then Christy says to Eugene "come to bed with me baby so we can celebrate properly if you know what I mean!" and Eugene says "no no Chirsty, you are pretty but I won't do that on the first date, I have morals like Pedro Morales, I mean, Bob Backlund!" and Christy smiles but is disappointed and Lawler says "you'd have to be a retard to turn down a night with Christy!" to show the coming darkening of his character!
Maven versus Shelton Benjamin - Maven comes out in a business suit to show his new jet-flying, wheelin' dealin' character! And Shelton wins with a T-Bone ("EXTRA RARE!") through two chairs then says "Mister Benjamin would like to announce that he is OFFICIALLY throwing his hat into the ring and that's the ring that the ROYAL RUMBLE is taking place in!" and now him and Daniel Puder are in the Rumble!
JR offers The King some candy from his candy jar but the King says he has a match and doesn't have time for candy!
Jerrry "The King" Lawyer versus Muhamed Hussien - They're having a fair one on one match so of course Lawler is kicking his ass until Davari gets up on the apron and JR says "I'VE HAD ALL I CAN STANDS I CAN'T STANDS NO MORE, TIME TO TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS FOLKS!" and marches down to the ring with his candy jar (from earlier!) and takes a wild swing at Muhamed but he DUCKS like the coward he is and it hits Lawler and smashed right across his face cutting him up and there's blood and glass and candy everywhere! And Muhamed wins and JR tries to help Lawler to the back but the King SHUNS him!
Kane versus Gene Snitsky - Gene comes out and says "tonight I was supposed to be wrestling Kane but he died in a car crash which WASN'T MY FAULT even though I cut his brakes so instead I'll be wrestling...HIS BABY!" and then a midget comes out wearing a Kane mask and a diaper! And Snitsky kicks it in the face and puts a chair around its neck and JR says "NO, NO DAMN YOU, DON'T YOU KILL THAT BABY!" but then Kane's pyro goes off and the REAL Kane comes out and saves the midget then chokeslams Snitsky and pins him in five seconds and says "now say hello to my wife!" and Lita comes out drunk off her ass and stinking of tobacco with a SWORD and holds it above Snitsky then the lights go out then you hear a scream and when the lights come back on Snitsky is gone (forever!) and there's BLOOD on the sword and Kane laughs!
Elimination Chamber - All six come in with no eliminations until Batista comes out last and right away he gives Benoit and Jericho a double clothesline and pins them both! Then HHH pins Edge because you've got to gvie an elimination to the game for realism and then HHH and Batista square off for the first time but Randy Orton rolls up Batista to pin him and save that match for a later date! And then Orton says "Well Shawn time to make a choice" and Shawn Michaels looks at the fans then superkicks HHH! Then Orton smiles but before he goes for the cover Shawn superkicks HIM with mustard! Then HHH pops up and laughs evily and it turns out the superkick Shawn gave him was fake and stopped an inch before his face! Then HHH pins Orton with one finger and Shawn does the fast count and hugs the game and they're back together!
At the start of the show HHH and Shawn Michaels come out together laughing it up and Shawn says "I suppose you're wondering why I screwed Randy Orton and joined up with my most hated rival HHH, well there is an explanation to all that which makes perfect sense and here it is..." but before he can say anything that damn Arab music starts playing and Muhamed Hussien and Davari come out! And Muhamed says "HHH! You, like every other american, are a RACIST american and I demand a title match with you tonight! And before you say no, I should tell you that if you do I shall go to the UN and the ACLU and tell them that my civil libirties are being oppressed by you holding me down the card with your glass ceiling!" and JR says "THAT DAMN UN'S RUN BY THE FRENCH, WE ALL KNOW THEY'RE ARAB SYMPATHISERS!" and HHH has to accept the match there's no choice and Muhamed says "and one more thing CAPITALIST in this match in the interest of freedom the title can change hands by countout or disqualification, praise Allah!"
JR says "THAT DAMN BASTARD HUSSIEN, I HAVE A GOOD MIND TO LAYETH THE SMACKDOWN ON HIM TONIGHT!" and the King says "what are you going to do, hit him with a candy jar?" further foreshadowing his coming heel turn!
All the Divas come out dressed as New Year's babies wearing nothing but sashes and diapers!
Eugene takes Christy out to a fancy French restuarant...and orders a Bic Mac!
Then in the MAIN event HHH kicks Muhamed's ass all over the building and hits the pedigree but pulls him up at 2 and says "I want to make you suffer like we did on 9/11" and locks on the SLEEPER HOLD! But then Davari pulls out an American flag and sets it on fire(!) and HHH is distraught and watches it burn and you see a single tear rolling down HHH's face until he lets go of the sleeper and goes outside the ring and puts out the fire! And JR says "YES YES YES HHH MIGHT BE A BASTARD, BUT HE'S A PATRIOTIC AMERICAN AND HE CAN'T STAND TO SEE A FLAG BURNING...DAMN IT GAME LOOK OUT!" but he's too late because Hussien comes flying out with a Space Flying Tiger Drop(~!) and HHH catches him but his quad gives out and he goes down hard and Hussien rolls back into the ring like a coward and the referee counts HHH out and Hussian is the World champion!
Then the next week at the start of the show Muhmaed comes out with the world title and Davari in a doctor's coat and Davari pulls on x-ray out of HHH's quad and says "as you can see HHH's quad is TORN IN HALF and he can't wrestle again for 11 months there's no stopping us now!" in perfect English! But then Shawn Michaels comes out and he's shaved his head bald and is looking intense and says "three words Hussan: you, me, Royal Rumble, JACK!" and gives Muhamed and Davari a superkick each and says "I'm going to win for three reasons: for MY God, for America and American freedom and most of all for HHH's quad!"
Eugene takes Christy to an opera...and throws up all over her after eating too much cotton candy that he smuggled in in his pants!
Simon Dean starts wrestling in a fat suit because the irony is Simon's System doens't work and it's made him fat!
Chris Jericho does a special highlight reel where he interviews Eminem who's a big wrestling fan and he calls John Cena a "Eminem rip-off, kids whiter than the Fonz, called Doctor Dre, he said Cena's GAY!"
Molly Holly turns face after telling Trish that she's had enough of her "cheating ways!" and starts wearing ring gear that shows off her cleavage more!
Then the next week Lita and Kane renew their wedding vows! And Lita is wearing nothing but a thong and two small pieces of black tape over each nipple and all the same midgets from the first wedding are there but before she can say "I do!" Matt Hardy comes running out and tells Lita he still loves her but Lita says "no Matt I'm sorry Matt but you'll need to talk to the hand baby because I love Matt now I mean Kane so I can't marry you Kane I mean Matt because I'm marrying Katt I mean Mane" and slaps him then Kane chokeslams him and says "we have a special guest bride for YOU Matt" then JEFF HARDY comes out wearing nothing but a thong and a Kane mask and Kane says "I brought him back using vodoo and he's our dark slave, mwahahaha!" but then Jeff kicks Kane right in the balls and says "I ain't nobody's slave!" and Jeff puts Kane through a table and Matt puts Lits throuh one an dhte Hard Boyz are bizzack!
Eugene invites Christy to go on vacation with him to Venice and sayd they can even hold hands but Christy says "I'm sorry Eugene I'm dumping you instead you're just too dumb even for me!" And Eugene says "Like when Macho Man dumped Miss Elizabeth? But I haven't been sleeping with Hulk Hogan behind your back! I loooooooove you!" but Christy walks away. Then Regal comes in and says "That's a bloody shame dear boy, but now let's do what I always do when I'm dumped and go down to a pub and pick up some bloody tarts and shag our trouble away, what do you say dear boy?" but Eugene says "I'm too sad I'm going to go home and watch my Junkyard Dog DVD" and Regal shakes his head and says "if only there was some way to help you!" but what will it be find out next month!
Big Show and Joy are having sex backstage when Teddy Long walks in on them! And Teddy says "whoah wait a minute hold on there just you stop for one second back up for a minute now playa! There's no sex backstage on Smackdown...UNLESS you let the GM test the goods first, playa!" and Big Show smiles and hands Joy over and Teddy starts having sex on her!
Kenzo Suzuki wins the US title after Hiroko throws salt in Cena's eyes but afterwards Kenzo feels guilty because he's not a bad guy really and he helps Cena to the back and says to Hiroko "It's time we took our citizenship tests and became REAL Americans!"
Eddie Guerrero beats Rey Mysterio after NAILING him with a random title belt then afterwards helps him up...then kicks him in the balls! And Guerrero rolls his eyes and says "OH ESSE HOLMES I'M SO SORRY!" sarcastically and says "Hey, he was just a little half a man, I'm all man and all Latino heat baby!" and kisses a hot blond in the front row but she has a boyfriend so that wasn't cool!
Speaking of Cool, Carlito is on the phone and he says "Yes I think you should be here next week" and who was he talking to!?
And next week you find out who because a limo pulls up and VINCE MCMAHON comes out wearing a suit and says to Carlito "okay, what's this shocking thing you wanted to show me pal?" and Carlito opens Teddy Long's door and inside Teddy is still having sex with Joy! And Vince says "That's it pal, no sex on the job, you're FIRRRRRED!" and Teddy is fired just like that then Vince says "hmm, I wonder if I can find a replacement in such short notice?" Then the other door of the limo opens and STEPHANIE walks out wearing a tight leather business suit showing her ass and cleavage in leather for all the world to see! Then she says "give me the job daddy!" and Vince says "I don't know I think I need more convincing!" and Steph smiles and starts unzipping her suit(!) and Vince takes his tie off(!!) and slams the door then you hear sexual moaning and Carlito's jaw drops then he says "That...was cool!"
Kenzo and Horoki are taking their citizinship tests and Nunzio is taking his at the same time (he's Italian!) and has written all the answers on his arm and he offers to show Kenzo his arm but Kenzo says "No, that is not the American way!" so he really has changed!
Then next week John Cena throws a "welcome to America!" party for Kenzo and Hiroko is dressed like a normal American woman now and has implants like a normal American Diva!
Undertaker versus Heidinreick - They both fall into the casket at the same time and when the referee opens it to see how they are only Undertaker is left in there!
Shawn Micheals versus Muhamed - Muhamed wins clean with a samoan drop then draps an arab flag over him and JR says "COULD THIS BE THE END OF THE HEARTBREAKER!?" and it is because we're releasing him to use the money to hirer new cruiserweights!
Kurt Angle versus Big Show versus JBL - Kurt slams Big Show but the ring breaks and JBL hides behind an old woman in the confusion and uses her as a shield when Angle tries to go after him and it's a countout!
Royal Rumble match - Kenzo Suzuki and John Cena are number 1 and 2 but they refuse to fight because they are best friends now and they rap-off about the differences between American and Japanican culture! And people keep coming in and surprise entrants are Honky Tonk Man, Jushin Liger(~!), The Rock(~!~!) and Dean Malenko and I'm not booking this whole thing (I'm not Pat Patterson(he's a homo)) and the final four are Benoit, Jericho, Batista and Shelton Benjamin . And Benoit, Jericho and Batista are all hanging on the ropes when Shelton gives the pile a stinger splash and they all fall out and Shelton is going to Wrestlemania and JR says "AIN'T NO STOPPIN' HE, YO, I CAN ASSURE YOU OF THAT FOLKS!"
Eugene and Regal are playing chess backstage but Eugene keeps eating the pieces! Then Bischoff walks in and says "wonderful news, I've found a surgeon who says he can do an operation on Eugene's brain to make him a normal person! You should do it Eugene, Christy will love you again!" and Regal is against it but Eugene misses Chirsty's hot ass so he says yes!
Then next week the operation has been MORE than a success and Eugene is now super smart and he's dating Christy again! And him and Regal are defending the tag titles against a new team called the HEAT Seekers (Stevie Richards and Val Venis, because they wrestle on Heat and seek heat from the fans, obviously!) and Eugene's a super genius like Einstein now remember so he's calculating every move in his head before he does them and when Val hits the Money Shot on Regal Eugene just stands there trying to calculate the best way to help his partner and he takes too long and Regal gets pinned! Then Regal's angry but Eugene doesn't cae because he's having regular sex now and Regal knows he has to get the old Eugene back!
Hasaan and Davari kidnap Shelton Benjamin's mom and forced her to spit on Old Glory to get heat for WrestleMania.
It's Jerry Lawler's birthday and everyone is at a party for him backstage...except JR! Then JR finally comes in after the King's had lap dances by all the Divas and says sorry for being late but he's here now and he gives the King a present, a jar of candy! And King just throws it against the wall and it shatters and JR says "All this because of candy?" then the King grabs JR and gives him a piledriver right there on the concrete and growls "you think this is about CANDY?"
Gail Kim and Nidia are rehired just in time to appear in the Diva's PlayBoy special. BUT NOT JAZZ!
Michael Cole is in the ring to interview Undertaker, but when Undertaker comes out he's in Heidenreich's red shorts and his hair is now cut like Heidenriech's and dyed blonde! And Cole is confused but Undertaker says "it's quite simple young man, when Heidenriech and I were in that casket together we became one entity...and I LIKED IT, BABY!" and Undertakereich grabs Cole and puts him over his shoulder and carries him backstage!
The frickin' ROCK is touring the backstage with Stephanie because he's never been on Smackdown before and he's about to take her back into her office for sex probably when Carlito sees him and says "hey Rock, what's the name of that movie you're in?" and Rock says "Be Cool" and Carlito looks angry and says "WHAT!? I am cool, can't you tell? I spit in the face of people who tell ME to be cool!" and starts chewing an apple to spit on Rock but Rocky is too smart and punches Carlito and he starts choking on the apple! But then Heidenreichentaker grabs Carlito from behind and gives him the Heidenreich manouver and the apple flies out of his mouth right into the Rock's face, right on the people's eyebrow!
Kurt Angle goes up to JBL in the bathroom and says "you know something you're a joke, pal! Hiding behind an old woman to escape me? You should be ashamed of yourself, BUCKO! You're not a real wrestle, like we had in the olympics and they have in Japan!" and JBL thinks about this and says "oh yeah? Well I'm going to go to Japan and train in the Dojo to become the best worker on Smackdown, BUCKTEETH!"
Then next week JBL is back and he's a changed man! And he's a serious wrestler now and he's renamed the clothesline from hell the LARIATOOOOO~!~!~!~~~!~!!~!~~!!1 and he beats Eddie Guerrero clean with a BRAINBUSTAAAAAA~! to establish himself and nobody minds because JBL can work now!
Then Kurt Angle is doing the homeboy challenge when BROCK LESNAR's music plays and Kurt gulps in fear and Tazz gulps "well here comes the pain!" as if he never left and Brock is back baby and he gets Kurt up for the F5 but when he spins him round Kurt's foot hits the referee in the face knocking him out then JBL runs in and gives Brock the LARIATOOOO and says "you have no fighting spirit, mister football!" and Kurt wins!
Cruiserweight open - feartuing cruiserweights from all over the world for one night only, many who aren't under contract including Liger, American Dragon, Lo Ki, and all those other good workers but FUNAKI is the WWE guy so he wins but Paul London hits him with a chair afterwards perhaps ending the Funky Naki's career!
Trish Stratus versus Christy Hemme - Christy has been trained by Fit Finlay(~!) and can work now! And Christy wins with a top rop rana and is the new chamion (Trish beat Lita on HEAT earlier in the night!)!
The Hardy Boyz versus Lita and Kane, table match - Kane stacks up both Hardyz on three tables then Lita puts them through them with a graceful moonsault! Oh yeah, did I mention that the losers have to be the winner's slaves well they do and now the Hardys are slaves 4 Kane and Lita!
William Regal versus Eugene - If Regal wins then Eugene will have the brain altering surgery reversed and go back to the way he was but if Eugene wins then Regal has to have a labotomy! But luckily Regal wins with the power of the punch because it was so obvious that he would use brass knux that Eugene's sophisticated mind missed it because he's operating on a different level but not for much longer because the doctors in the white coats run in and drag Eugene backstage for emergency surgery and Christy comes out in her new woman's belt crying her ass off!
Chris Benoit versus Chris Jericho in a one hour iron man match - Benoit wins 7 falls to 6!
John Cena versus Eninem in a rap-off - Eminem is "losing himself in the moment" and kicking Cena's verbal ass and Cena gets angry and gives him the F-U! But Eninem no-sells it and says "that move sucked, your career is fucked!" and Cena is so mad that he actually gives Eninem a proper death valley driver leaving him for dead but then Eninem's homies jump the barricade and jump Cean's ass but Kenzo Suzuki makes the save with KUNG FU!
Tazz versus Daniel Puder in a lion's den match - this is to give Puder legitimancy by having him go toe to toe with the number one shooter in wrestling history but Tazz wins for realism but Puder looks good and Tazz's rubs his head afterwards!
Eddie Guerrero versus Kurt Angle in a one hour iron man match - Angle wins 8 falls to 7 and they do a double turn!
The Rock versus Carlito Caribbean Cool - Rock wins with then Rock Bottom clean because he's coming back full time now because my booking is so good and you can't stop CAN'T STOOOOOP The Rock!
JR versus The King no holds barred match - Winner gets to choose a new announce partner for RAW! And they both have the same idea and both of them pull candy jars out of their pants both at the same time and both hit each other in both of their heads at the same time both with candy jars and both jars shatter and both go down and both get counted down (it's last man standing) and it's a draw then Eric Bishoff comes out and says "you're stuck with each other now!" but when they get up they both can't remember why they hated each other in the first plave and they both hug each other in an emotional moment and only a man with a heart of stone won't have a tear in his (stone?) eye.
Hall Of Fame - Hulk Hogan, The Ultimate Warrior, Sergant Slaughter, Big Bossman (post humestly!), Dino Bravo (same!), The Mountie, "The Model" Rick Martel and KoKo B. War all join the hall! Then Ric Flair comes out and says "Why am I not in, whoo!" and Mick Foley comes out and says "because your banana nose don't fit in the hall, BANG BANG!" and they brawl!
JBL versus Brock Lesnar - Brock gives him one hell of a match but can't keep JBL down because he's been dropped on his head by Japanese guys now and his neck is stronger and Brock eventually hits the F15 but knows that won't be enough and goes for a BRAINBUSTA(~!) but JBL reverses and hits the LARIATOOOO~! but it only gets two! Then he hits a BACKDROP DRIVAAAA~! and a second then THIRD LARIATOOOO~!~!~! and Brock is legally dead in Japan (this WrestleMania is in Japan, by the way) and JBL wins! Then JBL says "Brock, you've proven tonight...that you DO got fighting spirt put it there pal!" and they do the handshake of respect!
Muhamed Hussan versus Shelton Benjamin - Shelton hits the T-Bone and the referee counts the three and JR says "YES, YES, OH HELL YES, BY GAWD FINALLY, WE FINALLY HAVE AN AMERICAN AS THE WWE CHAMPION AGAIN, OH GAWD YES, HOW'D YOU LIKE IT MUHAMED YOU JACKED UP SON OF A BITCH, HOW'D YOU LIKE THAT T-BONE, THAT AMERICAN T-BONE STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART OF THE GOOD USA, OH MY GAWD NOT EVEN ABRAHAM LINCOLN HIMSELF BLESS HIS SOUL COULD HAVE HIT A MORE BEAUTIFUL T-BONE ON THIS NIGHT OR ON ANY NIGHT, THANK YOU SHELTON BENJAMIN FOR DELEVIRING US FROM EVIL, THANK YOU FROM ALL OF AMERICA, YOU BEAUTIFUL MAN!" But then the ref sees Muhamed's foot was on the ropes and he rolls Shelton up for the pin.
RAW: The operation is a complete success and Eugene is a retard again just like he should be and he licks Regal's face and Christy's knees for some reason. And Christy is disgusted but she wants to make the relationship work so they go to a zoo! And they're having a good time but then Eugene jumps into the elephant cage and pulls his pants down AND his underpants! And Christy is horrified and asks what he's doing and Eugene says "William told me elephants eat penis!" and Christy sees "no you moron they eat PEANUTS! You're dumped!" and she starts going out with Muhamed Hussien because she's disilusion with American men in a majory storyline.
Christian and Edge reunite managed by Rhyno!
Smackdown: Stephanie's pregnant, but who's the father!?
MAY: We take the month off so fans don't get burned out on all the action and so all the wrestlers can rest and recover from their injuries (Lita tore her ACL having ROUGH sex with Kane while Matt and Jeff assisted) and there's a Diva's in England special where Christy and the lessar Divas are all just standing about London smiling and stuff!
RAW: Muhemed Hassan is bragging about how he's beaten everyone and there ain't nobody left but then the familiar cowboy bells play and JBL(!) comes out! And JBL said he's vacated the Smackdown belt to move to RAW because he's a proud American and can't stand to see JBL's strutting about like a big strutting American hater so he's here with Brock Lesnar and they're going to do the USA proud! And JBL travels around American in a bus with Brock driving until Bischoff makes JBL versus Muhamed for Great American Bash on July 4th on a American battleship!
Smackdown: Stephanie (now with a pregnancy bump but on the upside her breaste have gotten ever bigger!) makes a one hour iron man match between Kurt Angle and Eddie Guerrero for the vacant title and Eddie wins 9 falls to 4 by lyin', cheatin' and stealin' and they do a double turn!
RAW: JBL of course rescues America from Muhamed Hassan by beating him on the Aircraft Carrier then afterwards powerbombs him right into the sea!
Then next night JBL is being interviewed and says "you know, I said I won this title for America but what's America done for me, I won this title for JBL, John Brad Shaw Ley Field!" and he's a heel now then Muhamed Hussan comes out soaking wet (he swam all the way here!) and says "when I was in the sea I had time to think and I realised that America is the greatest country on Earth and I will fight for it, bucko!" and he's a face now but then(!) a man in a mask gives JBL a stunner and who was it we're out of time!
Then NEXT week the man in the mask attacks JBL again but JBL rips the mask off and it's Vince McMahon! And Vince says that he did it because he knows Stone Cold is the only man who can stop JBL so he started using the stunner to lure old Stone Cold back! But then Stone Cold appears on the titan tron and says "nuh uh son that just ain't gonna work, Jesus Christ you stupid bastard I'm retired living out here in my Texas ranch with Debra we got remarried and I ain't never comin' back and that's the bottom line because..." but then the satellite feed goes out and Vince marches backstage.
Then NEXT NEXT week Vince is in Stone Cold's Texas ranch looking for Austin but he gets his ass snagged in a bear trap and is hanging upside down and Stone Cold comes riding along in a golf buggy and says "okay I'll come back but only if you give me a year's supply of beer!" and Vince says "OH HELL YEAH!"
Then at Fully Loaded (better name then Vengeance!) it's JBL defending against Austin with Muhamed Hussan as guest ref and Austin ducks the lariatooo and hits the stunner and Muhamed counts to two then stops and flips off the rattlesnake! And JR says "DAMN IT, DAMN IT, NO, MUHAMED HUSSAN JUST SCREWED THE RATTLESNAKE, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT, DAMN IT HE DOESN'T LOVE AMERICA JUST TAKING ADVANTAGE OF OUR AMERICAN FREEDOM THE BASTARD!" Then Austin is shocked and JBL hits him with a LARIATOOOO right in his surgically repaired neck and you hear it pop and JBL wins then Vince, Sable and Brock Lesnar come out carrying the year's supply of beer but Vince sneers "this is for the bear trap!" and they all drink the all the beer and pour it all over Austin until he's covered heat to toe!
SMACKDOWN: Big Show and Joy get married!
Summerslam: Main event is Chris Benoit versus JBL and Benoit wins clean by submission with the crossface then makes Brock, Muhamed, Vince and Sable all tap to it too and that's why JBL's been booked so strong all year so that Benoit will look even strong when he finally beats him so don't ever question my genious again, biatch!
Kurt Angle versus Eddie Guerrero in a one hour iron man match - Kurt wins 10 falls to 9 and they do a double turn five minutes in, another at the half hour mark and a third at the end!
ECW FALL BRAWL: The return of ECW's traditional big ppv of the year with former EASY DUB stars like Rhyno, New Jack, Sandman, Dean Douglas, Lita, Kane, Hardcore Holly, Saturn and The Blue Meanie on the card booked by Paul Heyman and me!
RAW: Lita comes back from her torn ACL to find Kane in bed with Christy Hemme! And Christ has turned into a slut with a taste for bad boys who smokes cannabis since the Eugene thing so she and Lita have a hardcore match and it's the best woman's match EVER!
Smackdown: Stephanie thinks The Rock is the father because she remembers getting drunk and climbing into bed with him one night but Rock reminds her that was three years ago and yeah he rocked her world but he can't be the father of THIS baby you dumb skank!
Survivor Series: Ultimate Wargames RAW versus Smackdown double cage, double ring match in a double sized elimination chamber and Paul London wins for Smackdown pinning Benoit in the end to start the workrate feud we've all been dreaming for!
RAW: Triple H comes out of the hospital and his quad has finally heeled but just as he's crossing the street in front of the hospital a car comes at him and crashes right into his quad! And HHH goes down holding his quad in pain then the car window rolls down and RIKISHI sticks his head out and says "I DID IT...FOR THE ROCK!"
SMACKDOWN: The troops are out of Iraq now but Smackdown still puts on a special free show for the Iraqi people....JOKE LOL WHY WOULD THEY WANT TO DO THAT ROTFLMAO!
Stephanie has the baby and it's BLACK then Teddy Long walks into the hospital room and says "remember how I was having sex with Joy in your office before you took over? Looks like I left a little something behind, lady playa!" and she throws up and then Repo Man steals the baby!
IT WOULD BE THE GREATEST YEAR OF ALL OUR LIVES IF ONLY VINCE WOULD LET ME BOOK!
bkizzack soonzid fl with mrOe hot newzzzzzzzz for YO(U ALL!!11!123!!1
Welcome to a very special edition of “Satire”. Don’t expect all sorts of columns about Smackdown from here on out, because RAW is enough for me. But without DEAN this week, I figured I might as well. (Opening Credits…) Brock Lesner is backstage!