"When you're nWo, you're nWo … for … life! Or at least until your contract runs out. Or maybe if you get injured. Or if Bischoff changes the storyline you're in. And sometimes, if you turn on the group, you're no longer nWo. For life! And it's just… too… SWEEEET!!!" -- The Brave New World Order, 1997.
Welcome, everyone, to the latest EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes, the column that everyone is talking about! I'm Canadian Bulldog, the creative force behind the Canadian Bulldog Burger (try one with fries today!). We've got a ton to get to this week, but first a quick survey:
Which event definitely will or won't happen in 2005? (A) New ECW goes bankrupt. (B) Brock Lesnor wins a Super Bowl ring. (C) World Champion SHNITSKY!!! (D) Something involving The MacMahon Family (E) Yes.
Be sure to vote for your choice at the official Inside The Ropes website. And just for kicks, let's see how you all voted last time:
Who will become the next NEW World Champion? (A) Definitely not Triple HHH. - 3 % (B) SHNITSKY!!! - 49 % (C) Coach Man. - 3 % (D) Hardwood Holly. - 31 % (E) Yes. - 11 %
And now, onto the news:
An open letter to Vince MacMahon:
Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). You're the only person I can think of that has the power to STOP THE MADNESS here.
This past week on Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw, you aired what was supposed to be a friendly debate between Jerry "The King" Lawyer and Mohachmed Hussein. But instead of calmly discussing the issues and finding ways to better our nation (well, the U.S.A. AND Canada), it denigrated into a pier-six brawl.
How can you let this kind of -- well, I'll just come out and say it -- POPPYCOCK go over the airwaves unchecked? These people should be reprimanded for their actions, not fawned over like heroes and given big fat paychecks!
You know, now that I think about it, this is the same thing that has happened at every debate, posedown, weight lifting contest, Super Posedown and beauty competition since I've been watching wrestling. Did you ever stop for a FREAKING second to consider that?
With all due respect, Mister MacMahon, perhaps you should stick to doing what you do best -- making wrestling matches and occasionally starting up football leagues -- and leave the debating to true professionals!!!
In closing: U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
Peace, out, B-Dawg
What should be every fan's new year's resolution? To order New Year's Resolution, of course, the latest paper-view spectacular to come from the fertile mind of Eric Bischov. Here's an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED preview of what to expect from the event, which emanates live tonight from picturesque San Juan, Nicaragua:
Main Event Six-Person Elimination Gas Chamber Match Triple HHH Vs. Various Others
Six men will enter this power-packed match and only one will exit alive. Will special referee Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaels have no impact whatsoever on this match's outcome? BANK ON IT!!!
Main Event Ultimate X Match The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain Vs. SHNITSKY!!!
As we all know, these two sexy gladiators have been at each other's throats ever since one of them killed someone's something. This one has "technical chain-wrestling exhibition" written all over it.
Main Event Girls Title Match The Returning And No Longer Pregnant Leeta Vs. Tritch Stratus
You know the old saying "Hell hasn't any fury alike the women scorned"? Well, that completely doesn't apply here!!! Just two unattractive women fighting to win the approval of their respective boyfriends. Should be a classic.
Main Event International Title Match Sheldon Benjamin Vs. Marvin
The two former Tuff Enuff champions will face off for the first time (since training school). Except from the time that they already did. Wrestling historians are already calling this the biggest match of 2005!!!
Tag Team Championship Match William Royal and Mean Eugene Vs. The Christian and Mike Tyson Tomko
Look for the team of to come out on top.
Main Event U.S.A. vs Iraq Flag Match Jerry "The King" Lawyer (with Good Ol' J.R. Ewing) Vs. Mohachmed Hussein (with Osama Arafat)
Look for George Dubya Bush to interfere on The King's behalf and say "We cannot sit back and allow these people to destroy the freedomisms that we as Americans enjoy"!!! And then Osama Bin Aladdin will interfere and bash Lawyer over the head with some Weapons of Massive Destruction!!! And then filmmaker Michael More will protest the match because, well, it's a shitty match!!! And then JR will turn heel and join the American-Arabians and change his name to Good Ol' Sheik Jafar!!! And it will be the best match ever!!!
On the heels of several best-selling books, look for the following new titles by wrestling superstars to hit bookshelves this year:
· Lie, Cheat and Steal This Book by Latin Heat Eddie Guerrera · The Fact That This Book Contains Grammatical Errors Is NOT MY FAULT: The SHNITSKY Story · Men Are From Mars, Val Is From Venis · Awaken The Ugandan Giant Within by Kimallah · The Seven Habits of Highly Destructive People by Bob "Hardwood" Holly
Speaking of films (how's THAT for a segue?), former WWE superstar Rocky Maivia is apparently in Hollywood these days, trying to become an ACTOR!!! He's set to star in Be Cool, the story of some guy who spits apples at people who don't like to be cool, and also Doom, the story of a masked WCW tag team managed by Peanut Head T.D. Long.
Is it possible a former AWA superstar is on his way back in time for WrestelMania? No!!!
The Next Best Thing Brock Lesnor is headed to Japan, where apparently they have their very own wrestling companies. Who knew?
Anyways, I did some digging around and found out that he is NOT there to save people from Tsunami. What a jerk!!! I remember when Tsunami fought Nature Guy Ricky Flare in the Tokyo Dome in 1991, and it was the best match ever!!!
Also, the former WWE Undisputed Other World Champion has been calling Vince MacMahon day and night, BEGGING HIM for his job back, according to reliable industry insiders. Will he end up getting his job back? Possibly!!!
Speaking of women (a few paragraphs ago)… I have it on good authority that the fine ladies of World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. Inc. Ltd. LLC will pose NAKED IN THE NUDE, WITHOUT WEARING ANY CLOTHES!!! Yowsa!!!
While legal issues, and the fact that they haven't actually posed yet, prevent me from showing you the entire spread, rest assured that The Notorious D.O.G. (along with help from my apprentice Johnny ITR) has come through for you, pun not intended. Here is an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED sneak peek of what to expect:
(Warning: Viewing of this is limited to those readers 18 years or older. If you are not 18, please exit this website immediately. Or just don't tell anyone.)
(Warning # 2: Seriously. If you don't want to see these women in all their naked glory, turn away.)
(Warning # 3: Honestly. Or else you're going to be face to face with HARDCORE NUDITY.)
(Warning # 4: This is your last chance, PAL.)
(Note from Webmaster ZRC: Bulldog, in all honestly, I can't show this on my website. First of all, these aren't WWE divas. They aren't anybody I know. It's just a cartoon you've drawn of naked people. And also, they're all men. At least, I think that's what they're supposed to be.)
Finally, let's bring back a feature I haven't used in a long time. We'll open up the virtual mailbox for a little something known as
The Dog Pound
Q: What can you tell me about Batista? A: Thanks for the compliment. Before joining WWE, Batista (real name: Bautista) was a fitness model and actress. After wowing viewers during the $250,000 RAW Diva Search competition, he returned to the show as a makeup artist. RAW fans got their best look at her during a recent Diva lingerie show. In addition to competing in fitness competitions across the country, he made time for roles in a number of movies, including, "Dodgeball" with Ben Stiller and "Diablo" with Vin Diesel. He was also a "Juggy Dancer" on the Man Show and has appeared on the cover of multiple magazines.
Q: Hey, Bulldog. Do you have any information on one of the random Raw Divas, for example, Candace? A: When Triple H and Ric Flair went looking for a muscular enforcer for Evolution, they didn’t have to look far. They chose the massive Candace, a fierce-looking gladiator whose muscles look as though they were chiseled from granite. Candace has made great strides and shows tremendous promise for future domination. A relative newcomer who was trained by the legendary Wild Samoan and former World Tag Team Champion, Afa, Candace has quickly established herself as a title contender. Originally an enforcer for D-Von Dudley, this massive woman plays second fiddle to no one. She has scored victories over Kane, and left Chris Benoit unconscious in the ring. Having learned from the best, Ric Flair and Triple H, she now displays the smarts to go along with her overwhelming power. Candace won her first championship when she teamed with Flair to defeat the Dudleys — the most decorated tag champs of all time — for the World Tag Team Championship at Armageddon 2003. As one of the most promising Superstars on Raw, and one of the most impressive physical specimens in the sport’s history, Candace clearly has the potential to dominate like few before her.
Q: re:...çheerless.góód-lóókíng márríéd fémálés ... mona registrant abusive tomography obtain hackle jennie bid binuclear divine occident diffusible competitive dapple chromatic freeman keyhole profusion corrosive oppressor most blond shakespeare diffract arsenate leggy malta plainfield scatterbrain equitable cyrillic nasa deferent nakayama spare oncology usia arctangent chandelier bashaw dyke nightgown crisis sport documentation cryptology mollie apart chalky infighting irrational kingfisher Pittsburgh planar exeter backtrack urinary vocable carbone. A: I don't know if I agree, although you make some good points.
Q: Trish*Sable*DawnMarie*Torrie*Click below for HOT SEXY PICS of WWE divas! A: Why bother? I've already experienced it in person.
Q: (From ZRC) No you haven't. A: Thanks for the compliment!!!
That about does it from here. Remember, if you have any compliments, suggestions, comments or concerns about why my merchandise is poisonous to children, be sure to drop me a line at email@example.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.
And one week of hell later, ladies and gentlemen, I do welcome you to this edition of the lines for Monday March 15, 2004. Raw Lines: March 15, 2004 And of course, explanations can be found in the Decoder, blah, blah, blah.