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The W - Guest Columns - Another Not-So-Weekly-Recap Or "RAW is Lita Almost Fucking Dies"
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Since: 8.6.02
From: Canada

Since last post: 403 days
Last activity: 403 days
#1 Posted on | Instant Rating: 6.77
A Not-So-Weekly Wrestling Recap from HMD

Welcome to Charlotte, North Carolina, land of---nothing, really. Tonight we begin with Jericho in the ring ready to kick off the new week of hott wrestling action. They have the Highlight Reel set up, and before Jericho gets to anything valid he says he wants to have intercourse with every single person in the arena. I am already frantically penning a complaint to WWE Canada about this highly inappropriate material when Hawaiian lays fall from the ceiling.

I get it now. Get laid. Heh. Would have been funnier if Jericho didnít push it too far with ďare those kids back there old enough to get laid?Ē See Chris, itís got to apply to both situations in order to be whatís called a double entendre. If it only applies to one situation, itís just a dirty joke, and if that dirty joke is: ďAre those kids old enough to get laid?Ē youíre a dirty bastard for making it. BAD JERICHO.

Then Jericho makes himself impotent by bringing out a grown-up, Vince, to make the important decision. I am reminded of the time my parents said I could make all my own decisions, and then I suddenly realized they had severely limited the extent of that freedom to which kind of luncheon meat I wanted on my white wonder bread sandwich slices. And when I asked for whole grain, they beat me.

Vince walks out with the NWA title, and five people on earth care. Iím sorry RedSox, but if thatís disgusting so is Chris Jericho wanting more children to get laid. Anyway, Vince takes a long time to say a whole lotta nothiní and then out comes an absolutely enormous looking Jon Bon Jovi---wait. Itís Paul. Paul comes out, and Iím struck by the absurdity of the fact that his name is Paul. Would anything have been the same if theyíd used that name? Paul is the name of your sisterís alcoholic but well-intentioned boyfriend, not the World Champ. And heís NOT the World Champ, Vince vacates the title. Triple H and Vince posture, and have a penal light sabre battle and they suck the fun out of the screen---meanwhile Jericho activates his suspension pod and flies back to his home planet, immediately ceasing to be visible to all dwellers of planet Earth.


Then Triple H throws some stuff down backstage. The best thing is, all the property heís damaging belongs to the venue so itís a practically victimless crime. Flair continues to damage his legacy by portraying a soulless concubine for Trips, but Batista shows some independence. He doesnít ďstay coolĒ like he did last week and I really think thatís a mistake, his coolness is key to getting him over, heís got to be the one guy over two-hundred and fifty pounds that can control the volume of his voice. Anyway, Dave shares his theory that Benoit would be the Champ period if it wasnít for his interference on behalf of the Count last week. Point made, now let it soak in.

Then Christian whines to Jericho about the uniform heís being forced to wear. Jericho insists, and Christian leaves in a huff. Jericho is firing off catchphrases when Benoit is suddenly behind him, even though the door was clearly on the other side of the room because thatís the way Christian came from and went to leave. Benoit is SO short, he was hiding in the wastebasket this whole time. Anyway, Benoit is going to reserve his anger for next week, when he will no doubt be disappointed by Eric Bischoffís announcement on how to resolve the World Title situation. Jericho then informs us that it will be Midget Canadians battling Roided-filled TongTongs with their leathery grandfather calling the shots from the floor and flipping out over minor disappointments like a drunken prospector who has been over-served at a saloon. Should be quite a match.

Trish/Lita clips. This feud is the Andre/Hogan of womenís wrestling. It has a better and longer back-story than most Wrestlemania main events. I donít think Lita carrying Kaneís baby made any less sense than Shawn Michaels shotgun contract signing, and yoy canít tell me it did!


Then we finally get a match. MAVEN Versus EUGENE! HUFFMAN VERSUS DINSMORE! NORMAL VERSUS TARD! BLACK VERSUS WHITE! BALD VERSUS WITH FOLLICLED! TONED VERSUS FLABBY! Itís every struggle our society has ever known all in one match.

A forgettable encounter, but Maven steals my heart with his trip that never was. He flies down when running the ropes as if Regal tripped him, but Regal did no such thing. A strange warmth fills up my core seeing that. Itís just so damn well done, and letís face it, if Eddie Guerrero did it weíd all be giving him a standing ovation. Maven shows his means streak and now weíll see if heís of any use as a heel. Probably his last chance, I sure hope he pulls it off. Eugene wins by DQ when Maven tangles him in the corner and goes to town. Regal comes down for the save but the Mave is outta there by the time the former Blueblood is anywhere near the ring. Speaking of the Blue Bloods, what was the name of Regalís tag-partner in that combination? I canít remember, but Iíll blow you a kiss if you can tell me.


Then Jericho hosted the beatoff party. I mean, you could say it was a limbo contest, but I know better than that and if youíre honest with yourself, you do too. I am supposed to hate this because itís not wrestling, but I donít. Iím a much bigger fan of low-brow smut than anything else, as long as itís good natured smut like womenís beach volleyball, tastefully shot pornography, and rap videos. This is spank bank stuff. I rarely watch women limbo without later beating off about it. I mean, what could be hotter than those little shimmying footsteps, as she leans back and arches her spine like an underage Malaysian gymnast devoid of all sexually distinctive characteristics!?! MMMM! Anyway, Stacy eventually loses because sheís six foot fucking nine and itís the effiní limbo weíre doing here. And for the first time, Stacy has been treated like just another chick. I have also noticed there is not a single diva from the diva search that isnít with the company now, except Carmella, the one I really wanted to have sex with. JUST MY LUCK.

Jericho segues this into a hideous song with Fozzy, and when the Crazy Moozelims interrupt they immediately become babyfaces in my mind. Peace be unto you, boys, that song was seriously damaging my eardrums, and stomping all over whatís left of my will to live. The Arabs threaten to ďend Americaís partyĒ, and even if it is a little hate-mongerish in the writing department---how could you boo a man with teeth as perfect as Hassanís. Iím no homosexual, but those are some nice teeth.


Then Simon Dean and Hurricane meet next in the ďoh yeah, wrestlingĒ segment of the night. Itís pretty lame stuff, and Hurricane strikes me as amazingly stale. Isnít he from North Carolina? Anyway, Simon who someone told me created dozens of amazing moves wins with a rollup and never tries anything even remotely interesting during the course of the bout. Someone is sure to say that he was ordered to wrestle that way, but I doubt they said ďDonít try anything even remotely interestingĒ and thatís the only excuse for that.

He did check his pulse after doing a choke/pushup combo, and that made me laugh. But, yeah, Simon wins.

Then another Trish/Lita moment. Itís the ROCK/AUSTIN of womenís wrestling! I mean that.


Then Orton tried to be entertaining again. Orton trying to be funny is like watching a rich frat boy push an old woman out of a wheelchair and then laugh. You KNOW heís a bad person, his sense of humour is also bad, and only a bad person could possibly like him. He then picks on Coach, just because heís black!

Then Edge comes out to the ring. God that theme song sucks. I want someone to have Crush ĎEm by Megadeth. THAT was an awesome tune. Yeah, I know, everyone says it sucks but everyone is gay, because that chorus owns all varieties of ass. Heads he wins, tails YOU lose! Donít you get it? HE WINS EITHER WAY!

Anyway, Edge is bitching something awful about being screwed. Heís not convincing in that delivery at all. What he needs to do, is be himself, making with the wisecracks. As a heel, tweak it so that unlike a regular funny guy, he just doesnít know or care where the line is and says mean and hurtful things. Then heíd be my Gramps, and IíD HATE HIM! Anyway, Orton and Edge have a confrontation and go back and forth, and they seem to be really into it and they do a pull-apart. Can you spot the horseman in the fracas!?! I counted 2. Maybe more!


Then a Blade: Trinity thing aired, where the actors verbally fellate Triple H. Except Beals, who actually does it for real. You know when a woman talks about how youíre so big, sheís really thinking about your wang. I bet Snipes flat-out refused to say shit about him.

Then Christian and Shelton battled. I left this off for some reason. Okay match, but only passable for these two who we know are capable of far, far better. The three of them messed up that spot where Tomko was catching Shelton's leg and throwing him into a dragon whip on Christian. Kinda weak, but it was comedy so we'll survive.

Then Snitsky bothered Lita and he seems to have tit and rib acne to add to his back acne. This guy is harder to look at than X-Pac and Chyna sex video.

Then Triple H and Flair left Eric Bischoff the LONGEST voicemail in human history. I mean, at some point the ladyís voice comes on and says you have reached your limit, and then you have to call back and cuss out your threesome loving ex girlfriend again and start over. But they went on and on, and then Batista CLOSES the phone, because he knows that Triple H got that phone on the west coast and his minutes arenít free yet. Triple H gets really mad and Batista calmly walks out. Now THATíS what Iím talking about. Nothing pisses you off more than when youíre angry and someone calmly walks out on you. Iím MAD just thinkiní about it! FUCK YOU BATISTA! ARGHHH! Damn heís good!

Then Iraq clips aired, and they showed the clip of when the guys said they were more looking forward to WWE than the Presidentís visit. What a disconcerting thought.


Then we got our tag match. Batista came out by himself, or rather, to his own tune accompanied by Jesus Christ, at least, Charlotteís version. This is smart, because it babyfaces Batista even more, by aligning him with Flair. WOOOO! Then Triple H comes out and when Lillian says ďformer worldís heavyweight championĒ Triple H runs after her to beat her lipstick off her face. And Iím on Hunterís side, this one time. She didnít HAVE to rub it in like that. Sheís just being a bitch. Does she announce Benoit or Jericho as former Champions? Does she ever? Dumb Lillian.

The Chrises come out and we have us a nice little match. Trips wonít tag out and his lack of focus gets him whomped. We all know focused Triple H can make both of these guys tap out to a purple nurple, but at least he canít beat them all distracted. I like Batista coming in, being more successful than Trips do to having more focus, but not cleaning up or knocking out anyone with that gay clothesline.

I effiní love Benoit nailing Flair TWICE in Charlotte, North Carolina and STILL won them back over to his side with his signature moves! EAT IT, NASH!

Then Trips mangles everyone with the chair. If the ref can take the shot without being all ďblockyĒ then so can Batista. Be a man, Dave. Good match, good seg, much fun. He should have nailed Flair too, then they could have shown what a slave mentality Ric has next week when he says Triple H did it cuz he loves them.

Then we go backstage. Trish is bending over and some migrant workers notice. Then Lita approaches her, and they do some talkiní, and they kiss, and my pants absolutely explode.


Then our main event is CHICKS! This match has as good a build as any in recent years. I enjoy this match until Lita almost dies. I mean sweet Jesus, my stomach went cold when I saw that. And they kept showing replaysÖLita needs to retire!

Trish really put her over, though. It was a great match, worthy of a main event slot, and it also explains why no one really got a chance to ďgoĒ tonight. They wanted this to get a fair shake and it did. If only Lita didnít almost die. When she went for the moonsault to finish, I watched with total horror. I really thought she was going to drop on her head and croak on live TV. Thankfully it didnít.

But now sheís the champion. God save us.

(edited by Hogan's My Dad on 7.12.04 1211)

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Metaphysical Jesus

Since: 25.8.04
From: Granite City

Since last post: 4709 days
Last activity: 4701 days
#2 Posted on | Instant Rating: 9.06
Great recap again.

I especially liked the way you covered the Lita/Trish thing. It is a great feud in terms of women's wrestling, and Trish just rules in the ring as far as hot broads go. I mean Victoria's smokin' but she's a bit of a beast, and Molly's a bit manly. Trish has it all. And that kiss must be seen.

Jericho is being slowly crushed by the WWE. I often wonder if he should quit and go to TNA and let them build the company around him, which is very feasible coz he's that talented. of course I then realise TNA is complete horsecrap, so I guess he's stuck under the bootheel of Vince n' Paul... boy does that ever sound like a gay porn team.

The limbo sounds great. And from what I read Orton was hardly on the show, which is always good.
Packman V2

Since: 16.3.04
From: Albuquerque, NM

Since last post: 2 hours
Last activity: 3 min.
#3 Posted on | Instant Rating: 3.46
Her dive last night was scary, the way she looked on the hit, and the way she got up later, I thought she f***ed herself up real bad. I thought it was an above average show, and really like how they're drawing the Batista angle out...
El Nastio

Since: 14.1.02
From: Ottawa Ontario, by way of Walkerton

Since last post: 4 days
Last activity: 4 days
#4 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.33
The thing going through my mind when I saw Lita's dive was "isn't her neck already refurbished?"

Neck surgeries only make you better if you don't try to kill yourself a few months after.

Nice work, Mr. Hogan.

(edited by El Nastio on 10.12.04 2333)

R.I.P. Montreal Expos, My Team of 20 years.

Sacred Heart.....have mercy on us.

Since: 8.6.02
From: Canada

Since last post: 403 days
Last activity: 403 days
#5 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.87
Thanks for the reax, guys.

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Net Hack Slasher

Since: 6.1.02
From: Outer reaches of your mind

Since last post: 4896 days
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#6 Posted on | Instant Rating: 9.00
Enjoyable report. I liked it.

I especially liked your hype for Maven vs. Eugene. Then of course reality hits that it is a Maven match lol... I hope you have internet wrestling fan insurances in questioning Jericho But I agree Jericho over-do the play on words.

smark/net attack wienerville advisory holds at ORANGE alert - High (JBL is STILL WWE champion and now smarks arch enemy HHH is the World Champion. Major red threat, but the undercard seems okay. The alert holds... for now)- 9/19
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If I had Owen Hart, Bret Hart, Jeff Jarrett and HBK all bumping like mad for me, I'd look great too.
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