-Tessier just admitted to breaking someone’s leg on purpose.
-I suppose. It’s a bit beyond our jurisdiction though. Not to mention that I am pretty sure that you won’t find Bum-Fuck, New Mexico on a map.
-No, but Truth and Consequences, New Mexico is on the map. I figure that if I check every strip club in a fifty mile radius from there, I should be able to find one where they had to replace the bouncer while he was healing his broken leg.
-Well, you could do that. But Captain, assuming that you tracked down this Grizzly and assuming that he was actually willing to press charges... What makes you think that New Mexico would want to extradite someone for aggravated assault? And even if they did it would be damn hard to prove. I mean look at the Donald Brashear case. Man got hit upside the head by a wooden club, plus he was blindsided. As open and shut case as you would ever hope to find, only it happened during a hockey game, so suddenly the issues of right and wrong and guilt or innoncence get all screwed around. Not to mention that all he needs to do is say in the witness booth that breaking the leg was an accident, but that he boasted about so that people would hate him more.
-I know. Look, I can tell you right now that at least half, if not more, of what Tessier is telling us is total bullshit. I’ll give you an example. You know the story that he just told about trying to get back with his wife and how he screwed up by driving up on her lawn drunk and knocking down the mail box?
-Would you like to read his official statement on that incident?
-You have that?
-Yeah, I dug it out.
-“Official Statement by Eric Tessier aka the Rattler taken by David Stevens...” You took this statement?
-Yeah. At the time, McGregor was Captain and he had a real bug up his ass about busting a celebrity for driving drunk. So, on a case like this he wanted a senior detective to do the interview.
-And you caught the bullet?
-Actually, I volunteered. I figured, I was the one detective that could survive a stint on MacGregor’s shit list.
-Hmmm... “Wednesday, June 25th, 1997” Wait, if he crashed his car on Monday night, and his wife attacked him for it on the Tuesday Budweiser Wrestling Hour, how come we only interviewed him on Wednesday? Why not on Monday night?
-On Monday night, we couldn’t find him. And believe me we looked. I went to the Checkerdome on Tuesday night. Of course, by that point, the boat had sailed in terms of getting a test for blood alcohol so I did some shouting and convinced them that I was going to arrest the Rattler live on National TV. Actually, I think that there were a couple of people backstage who thought that would be a good idea, great for marketing, but in the end they decided to reason with me and offer me that the Rattler would turn himself in on Wednesday, if I did nothing on Tuesday.
-Right. “On Monday, June 23rd, around Ten pm, I drove my Jaguar to my house. I drove up on the lawn, ran over a garden gnome and crashed the car into the mail box. Then I got into a cab that I had waiting and had the driver bring me to McGurk’s. Once I got to McGurk’s, I started drinking heavily. When I saw the footage of my car on TV, I left McGurk’s and walked to a nearby motel where I had arranged to have a room available to me registered in the name of one of our production assistants, Chris Dempsey. I avoided the front desk and used the key that Dempsey had given me. He’d left me a forty of Morgan’s so I cracked that open and had a few more drinks and waited for the police to find me. Eventually, I got bored waiting and went to sleep.”
“Detective Stevens: How much did you have to drink before you crashed the car?”
“Eric Tessier: I had nothing to drink before I crashed the car.”
“Detective Stevens: Are you trying to get me to believe that you crashed your Jag into a garden gnome while you were sober?”
“Eric Tessier: Yes. I hate garden gnomes.”
“Detective Stevens: You ran over your kids bike!”
“Eric Tessier: It’ll teach Eric to take better care of his things. He should have never have left his bike on the lawn. You never know when someone with an uncontrollable hatred of garden gnomes will drive by and decide to drive up on the lawn.”
“Detective Stevens: So, it’s your sworn testimony that you drove up onto your lawn, because you needed to kill the garden gnome?”
“Eric Tessier: No, I did that because we needed a reason for people to hate me, and for Katy to attack me live on Tuesday night.”
“Detective Stevens: You’re saying this was all a stunt?”
“Eric Tessier: Yep.”
“Detective Stevens: This is outrageous! We’ll charge you with Obstruction of Justice!”
“Eric Tessier: As far as I know, there is nothing illegal about tearing up your own lawn, wrecking your own car and knocking over your own mail box. Especially when you do it when you’re sober. If you can figure out that a broke a law arrest me, otherwise. I’m leaving.”
“Interview Ends. Wednesday, June 25th, 1997, 4:56 pm”
This is pretty incredible.
-Yeah. He had a point though, I’m pretty sure that there is nothing illegal about damaging your own property.
-Did you do any follow-up on this?
-Yeah. I talked to the bartenders at McGurk’s and they confirmed that he came in a little before 11 on Monday night. He didn’t appear to be drunk when he arrived, but he was shit-faced when he left. Now the thing that complicates matters is that Katy Tessier-Clancy didn’t call us until a little after 11. I found the motel room registered under the name Chris Dempsey, but no one saw Eric Tessier come in or leave. I wasn’t able to find a cab driver who drove Tessier that night. MacGregor was not pleased. He was convinced that Tessier was drunk.
-Reasonable assumption. Tessier’s story sounds like bullshit. Impossible to disprove bullshit, but still.
-I’m not sure. After 9/11, I went to the big fund-raising concert as the date of Katy Tessier-Clancy...
-Date? Ummm... Not like I need to point this out to you Stevens, but you’re gay.
-Well, true. But she invited me - she remembered me from the investigation into the crash. I couldn’t afford the ticket and she could and didn’t want to go alone, and she felt that it only made sense to invite a cop or a fireman and she didn’t know any fireman. Besides, it got me into the backstage of her show. You know, glistening muscles, baby-oil, it’s like a buffet...
-You remember that discussion we had about me not talking about what happens in my bedroom, if you promise to do the same?
-Right. I promised not to talk about what happens in your bedroom either. Anyway, I took the chance to ask Katy about that night, and she told the same story as Tessier, that it was all a stunt designed to draw some publicity for Tuesday night’s show and help explain why she was turning on her husband on the show. She said that Tessier had a rule that as soon as he had even one drink, he turned over his keys. It was something that he promised her right after her brother Rory died driving drunk. She also said that she didn’t leave him, that he was he that threw her and the kids out. Supposedly, he told her that he didn’t want her or the kids to see him drunk anymore.
-This doesn’t make any sense. Why would he want us to think that he’s a bad guy? Why would he lie to make himself look worse?
-This is why I was reluctant to take just his word for what he’s describing. I think that for wrestlers, truth is fluid.
-Well, I still think that I should investigate this assault. We might need the leverage.
-Suit yourself, I’m sure as soon as you walk out, he’ll start talking about a murder.
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I was shaking with laughter for about 10 minutes before I could compose myself enough to post this. I also marked out for the return of RVD: Wall Builder. Very very funny stuff. They keep getting better and better.