Note to Webmaster ZRC: Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). I've been unable to write my usually-INCREDIBLE column this week because I'm depressed about recent World Events (The election; Yassir Arrowfat's declining health; the economy; Triple HHH taking over backstage, etc.).
But fear not! I've enclosed a “Retro ITR” taken from one of wrestling's golden eras. Let me take you all back to a simple time, when Good Ol' JR was screaming "Austen! Austen! Bah Gawd, Austen!!!" instead of "Orton! Orton! Bah Gawd, Orton!!!". A time when the competition was fierce, men weren't afraid to be men, and the wrestling business had no place to go but down. Let's go back to the year… 2001.
Thanks, and I'll be back at ya as soon as I can learn to cope with my grief.
Peace, out, Canadian Bulldog
(originally published July 15, 2001)
“Can we please have five seconds to pose?” -- ThEdge & The Christian, recently.
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside the Ropes, the Internet Wrestling Community equivalent of Mad Magazine. I'm Canadian Bulldog, or should I say -- Armenian Bullfrog!!! (Heh, heh, just keep changing words around to make them sound funny... this gimmick will NEVER die!!!)
We've got a lot to get to this week, but first this:
An open letter to The American Bigass, The Ordertaker:
Hello, Mr. Ordertaker. I know you read the Internet religiously, so please just shut up and listen to my advice.
Your current gimmick of wearing sexy leather chaps and riding to the ring in your bicycle is "cute", but it's not what brought you to the dance, so to speak.
What I think you need to do is return your roots and become The Dead Guy character again.
Think about it: The old music, the old scary entrance that made fans crap their pants in fear (or so I've heard) and the habit of no-selling moves that brought you your fame.
Only this time… don't change completely. Grow your hair out only a little bit, and still keep half of your biker costume. The fans will never know what hit them. I'm telling you –- it's RATINGS GOLD, BABY!!!
So please, Mr. Ordertaker, make sure to do a half-assed return to your old gimmick. It's what the world really wants to see.
Peace, out, Canadian Bulldog
P.S. Maybe you should just allow Simon Diamond Page to keep stalking your Homely Wife until he eventually murders her or what have you. Then, you can go after HIS WIFE (who's a nude model in real life!). You can thank me later!!!
As you all know by now unless you're dumb, the WFF is about to embark on its most successful angle ever, a little something called:
For the longest time, Vince MacMahon thought he was the smartest man in wrestling. But obviously he DIDN'T plan on his brother Shane O' Max buying Ted Turnor's WCW and his mother Stephoney forcing Paul Herman into bankruptcy so that she could buy ECW.
Now, the two sides are set to clash!!! On one side, you have classic WWF stars such as Chris Benwah, Crash Hardy and K-Quick. On the other side are some of WCW and ECW's finest such as Mick Awesome, Lanny Storm and Johnny Dreamer.
Hopefully, they'll be able to completely run this angle into the ground prematurely by squashing the non-WWF guys and then killing off the other brand in less than a year. That way, they can bring in the big names from WCW like Ricky Flare, The Nouveau World Order, Bill Goldenberg and Eric Bischov AFTER the storyline has already failed. And then they can have Bob Orton's Punk-Ass Kid son be pushed as the biggest star in the company about three years from now.
(What? I'm not wrong 100 percent of the time, you know.)
After weeks of wondering whether he'd "fight the good fight" or not, thank GOODNESS Stoned Cold Steve Austen has decided NOT to abandon the WWF brand and join the WCW/ECW/XPW/NWA/TNA/ROH Alliance. Now The Memphis Rattlesnake can finally get back to doing what he does best -– playing guitar and talking.
Besides, can you imagine what would happen if Austen decided to take his ball and go home one day? The entire company would be ripped to its very foundation!!!
You know what would be a GREAT idea? What if someone rounded up all the WCW rejects, added some wrestlers that no one's ever heard of, hired Vince Rousseau to book the whole thing and put in on pay-per-view every week for $10 a pop? I smell a winner!!!
Speaking of can't miss business ideas: We are now just seven months away from the debut of Vince MacMahon's XFL (Xcellent Football League). Will this become the biggest sports success story of the decade? BANK ON IT!!!
While I'm all for Spike TV Dudley pursuing a relationship with Molly Hardy, I can't help but think their families don't approve. Because of their religious differences, et cetera.
Triple HHH Injury Update, Week Six: Everyone's favorite superstar is now able to walk again without the assistance of crutches OR steroids. As you all know, The Criminal Assassin tore his right… uh… leg… bone… thingy after pieces of the glass ceiling were placed in it, when he was FORCED to do the J.O.B. to Chris Benwah and Chuck Jericho in a tag team match. Hopefully, he'll be able to return to the circled square one day soon, but not before they show us Music Videos of him Rehabbing numerous weeks in a row.
Here's a great Booking Idea: Maybe they should get Breadshaw away from the mid-card in his Acquelytes Protection Association team and have him win the world title. Huh? Huh? What do you think?
Recently, I had the opportunity to sit down and speak over the telephone with retired WCW superstar The Sting. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript that may not be reprinted without the expressed written permission of Slash Wrestling.com, which I'm not sure is even a website yet, but JUST YOU WAIT!!!
CB: Hello, is this Sting? S: Yes. But it's this Sting. Not the Sting that you're looking for. CB: So, wait? You're this Sting? S: That's right. CB: Not this Sting? S: Dude, that's The Crow. CB: Thanks for the compliment!!! S: So… uh, do you want to interview me for anything? CB: No thanks!!! I wouldn't know what to ask Sting anyways. S: I think you mean Sting. CB: This interview… IS OVER!!! (Hangs up). S: What a sucker! He doesn't realize we're roommates in real life!!!
If there's anyone that you're dying for me to interview, drop me a line at email@example.com. The e-mail will probably reach me when I actually GET that address several years from now.
Finally, let's open things up to some Q & A…
Q: Bulldog, what can you tell me about Hulk Hogan? A: Nothing.
Q: Who do you see as the future of wrestling? A: Thanks for the compliment!!! I can definitely see Big Ass Billy Gun making a huge comeback someday soon, perhaps as a Gay Guy. And don't forget about the UNSTOPPABLE DUO of TNA -- The Test and Fat Albert. All three of those guys should be around for a long while to come.
Q: Hey, Bulldog. Instead of writing open letters in your column, you should try sending the wrestlers e-mails. Peace, out, Johnny ITR P.S. Any job openings? A: Let's get real, Johnny ITR (if indeed that is your real name!). How many professional wrestlers do YOU think would be dumb enough to write me back?
Q: You know… pretending to predict things that will happen three years from now isn't really that funny. Not your finest hour. A: Tell me about it! And it took me three days to come up with some of this shit, too.
That about does it for this week. If you have any questions, concerns, compliments, or if you just want to join my XFL rotisserie league, drop me a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.
Originally posted by CANADIAN BULLDOGTriple HHH Injury Update, Week Six: Everyone's favorite superstar is now able to walk again without the assistance of crutches OR steroids. As you all know, The Criminal Assassin tore his right… uh… leg… bone… thingy after pieces of the glass ceiling were placed in it, when he was FORCED to do the J.O.B. to Chris Benwah and Chuck Jericho in a tag team match. Hopefully, he'll be able to return to the circled square one day soon, but not before they show us Music Videos of him Rehabbing numerous weeks in a row.
That part alone had me giggling like a little Asian schoolgirl who uses weird submission holds and yells out "oooOOOO0H!" when she gets released out of nowhere. Awesome article.
Last Night: Evolution won all the gold and all the armoires, but traded the furniture for a box full of Nathan Jones bobble heads. Chris Jericho showed how conflicted he was by not pinning Trish Stratus. Somebody wake Ivory up, please.