“Dis iz Du'tee Rhode, comin' tew ya live an' in living kullah, bay-bee, here on da muthaship, eff you weeel" -- Tony Shiovauntey, WCW Worldwide, 1994
Welcome, everyone to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and HIGHLY LITIGIOUS edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, and for the first time EVER, I'm not going out for trick-or-treating this year because costumes have gotten TOO GODDAMN EXPENSIVE!!! We have a lot to get to this week, but first, a quick poll:
What did we all think of Tattoo Thursday? (A) What? The four of us who ordered it? (B) Best. PPV. Ever. (C) EVER!!! (D) Snitsky-riffic!!! (E) Yes.
Be sure to register your vote at the official Inside The Ropes website. And here are the results from our latest poll, JUST IN TIME to tell you how you should be voting in the upcoming election!!!
Who won the recent debate between John Layshaw Bradfield and Mick Farley?
(A) The Spendocrats – 0 % (B) The Repuglicans – 92 % (C) "The Man" – 2 % (D) THE FANS!!! – 1 % (E) Yes. – 2 %
Wow, what an accurate reflection of Public Sentiment!!! And just a quick note to say that, while Yes was behind in the polls, none of the other candidates has a better track record on military, spending or health care. So on, Nov. 5 or whenever the hell the election is, understand that a vote for Yes is a vote for change. Or for things to stay exactly the same.
Paid for by the friends of Yes.
"My name is Yes, and I approve this message."
Now, onto the news…
An open letter to ThEdge:
Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). You think you know me? YOU WILL NEVER KNOW ME!!! Unless we somehow become friends, that is.
But I have a BIG-TIME problem with you, PAL, after your actions at the recent Tattoo Thursday paper-view. This event was supposed to be about THE FANS, not you and your stupid EGO.
You want to know why you were outvoted in the main event? Because NO ONE LIKES YOU! Not the fans, not the "boys in the back", not even your own parents! Not even your new wife! And don't get me started on what Scott Keeth says about you behind your back!!!
And no one buys for a MINUTE that you just "accidentally" forgot about your tag team match and "accidentally" jumped into a waiting car, even though that's what the announcers "want" us dumb marks to believe.
So maybe you should take a long, hard look at your career and see why you're so damned awful. And if you have a PROBLEM with that, well, let's just say I'm not too hard to find.
So what are you waiting for – LOSER???
Peace, out, Canadian Bulldog Jeb Lund
Life has been all kinds of cool for sexy newcomer Charlita Caribbean Cruel, ever since he “accidentally” stabbed John Ceno to death in a nightclub three weeks ago. Will Ceno be back for revenge after he films his direct-to-video movie? Nope; he's retired for good. BANK ON IT!!!
To help prepare for his Shitty Pay-Per-View That No One Will Ever Buy In A Million Years, NWA T and A Champion Double Jeff Jarrod has vowed to bring in The Outsiders to take care of Drug Abuser Jeff Hardee.
What the hell is The Returning Leeta's ISSUE with Tritch Stratus these days? Ladies, ladies: there's plenty of The B-Dawg to go around…
LOL!!! Doesn't Eric Bischov look HILARIOUS now that he's been shaved bald as an eagle? I used to like his character before, but now I HATE HIM!!! Because he's bald.
Now can you feel that... SUCKAAAA?: The Powers That Be have decided that Bookie T is on his way to becoming the five time, five time, five time Smack! Down undisputed World Heavyweight Champion. But will Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld have something to say about that? PROBABLY!!!
Horror-movie fanatics will be pleased to know that none other than The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain will star in his own flick – and it will be out just in time for Hallowe'en!!!
While The Notorious D.O.G. hasn't seen the entire film, my manservant apprentice Johnny ITR was able to snag an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED scene from the upcoming flick known as "Ice Cream Man". Here it is:
Teenaged Boy: Gee, it's too bad that my car died here in this dimly-lit street in the middle of nowhere, Teenaged Girl. Teenaged Girl: Yeah. Teenaged Boy: What a perfect time to have sex. Teenaged Girl: Yeah. Teenaged Boy: … And because the car happened to stop near an abandoned Indian burial ground, I'll bet we're safe to have sex here without worrying about being attacked by undead monsters. Even with all that fog and eerie music in the background. Teenaged Girl: Yeah.
(A shadowy figure emerges out of the darkness and strangles Teenage Boy. Strangles him to death!!!)
JR: By fire and brimstone, that's gotta be Kain! Bah gawd! King: Woo hoo! Look at Teenaged Girl's puppies, JR!
Kain: Hahahahahaha! Teenaged Girl: Aieeeee! Kain: Don't worry, Teenaged Girl. I'm not going to kill you! Teenaged Girl: (Phew) Kain: But I am going to force you to have sex with me!!! Teenaged Girl: Yeah. Kain: And then you'll have to marry me when you're carrying my child. Teenaged Girl: Wait… are you Jewish? Otherwise, forget it! Kain: You no-good shmendrick!
(A shadowy figure emerges out of the darkness and chops the head off Teenaged Girl.)
Kain: SHNITSKY!!! Shnitsky: It's not - my – fault! Kain: Clearly it is your fault. Look, you're holding an axe and it has the blood from her decapitated head on it. Shnitsky: Oh yeah? Well… I killed your baby! Kain: No you didn't. I hadn't had sex with her yet. Did you even read this script? Shnitsky: LEAVE ME ALONE!!! Teenaged Girl: Yeah.
Who's the current "it" wrestler that the guys want to be like and the ladies want to be with? If you answered The Best Show, then you're 100 percent right!!! Recently, I had the opportunity to sit down with the 7"99 superstar and talk with him over the telephone. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript which you all MUST PAY $2 to read (Heh, heh, suckers!):
CB: Is this The Best Show? BS: No, this is actually a Best Buy. CB: Close enough. How are you doing today? BS: This is actually just a recording. CB: Thanks for the compliment!!! Are you ready to let me conduct an, EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED interview? BS: How can you ask questions to a recording? CB: How can a recording answer me back in the first place? BS: Touché. CB: Question number one: How did you get so fat? You know? BS: On sale this week are our Canon Pureshot Digital Camera and Compact Photo Printer. This 2-in-1 bundle doubles your fun! Now after you capture unforgettable moments on this impressive digital camera, you can immediately print them in living color with the printer and its state-of-the-art dye-sub technology. CB: That's just super. Question number two: Are you supposed to be a "face" this time? Or a "heel"? Because no one can tell. BS: Ask about our in-store specials on all flat-panels. CB: Leave Stacey Keebler out of this!!! Question number three: What was it like having Andrew The French Giant as a father growing up? BS: Dude, that was just an angle! CB: Pardon? BS: I mean… On special this week is our GE Nautilus Built-In Dishwasher! CB: I see. Question number four:… BS: Wait one second! Are you the guy who bounced a check on us in '93? CB: Well, I… you see, I had to… BS: THE INTERVIEW IS OVER!!! (Hangs up).
Stupid lousy corporate America. Anyways, if there's anybody out there you're dying for me to interview, drop me a line at email@example.com.
Finally, let's go to a very special edition of something I like to call:
Letters From A Nut
This one is especially near and dear to my heart because in real life, this guy was one of my favorite wrestlers of all time, back in the day. It's also one of the first letters I penned at the beginning of the summer, so obviously a certain Walking Condominium doesn't check his Inbox that often.
Dear King King Bundy,
Canadian Bulldog here (don't you dare pretend to forget who I am!). We worked a brief program on the east coast about five years ago. I was also the kid in that WWF Stretchies wrestling toy commercial. I did bring that up to you backstage one time, but you seemed drunk or something, and didn't seem to care.
Anyhoo... here's my question: I am starting a new gimmick where I ask for the "six count" before pinning my hapless foe. Is that, in any way, violating your copyrighted "five count"? I felt it was a different-enough gimmick because of the one-second difference.
I've also shaved my head like yours, and I wear the black singlet too. My new name will probably be "Canadian Bundy", though I haven't patented that one yet. I plan on asking for a six count before I pin my stupid opponent.
So what do you think, guy? Do we have a deal?
Peace, out, Canadian Bulldog
P.S. I saw you on TV the other night. It wasn't new, it was from that show "Married With My Children" like 15 years ago. VERY FUNNY!!!
Reply Re: Your 6 Count
I don't know where we met but I assure you I was never drunk backstage; I probably just wasn't as excited about the whole situation as you were.
I don't care if you beat people for a 243 count; just don't associate yourself with me in any way. I didn't spend 25 years building a reputation so that I could be glommed onto by every jabroni coming down the pike. Good luck.
Dear Mr. Bundy,
Thanks for the compliment!!! I will make sure that my six-count is in NO WAY affiliated with you, or the legacy that you have left behind.
That said, I have no intention of using a 243 count, because it would be too cumbersome for both myself and my opponents. I'd fall asleep lying there for so long! Thanks again, and if I don't speak to you before, a Merry Christmas.
Peace, out, Canadian Bulldog
That about does it for this week. If you have any questions, compliments or pending lawsuits for me, drop me a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.
Give teenage girl an MTV movie award. Great dialogue, Yeah.
smark/net attack wienerville advisory holds at ORANGE alert - High (JBL is STILL WWE champion and now smarks arch enemy HHH is the World Champion. Major red threat, but the undercard seems okay. The alert holds... for now)- 9/19
I agree, good column. I also agree with cubsfan that it'll be sad when the Booker/Heat/Francesca Fiore/Bruno Puntz-Jones theme finally disappears. It will be a real shame...somehow, it just fits Booker no matter what kind of angle he's in.