Bulldog's Note: As the headline might suggest, this is the third installment of my Letters From A Nut series. For those who haven't read them yet, here are versions one and two. Is this the best installment in the entire LFAN trilogy? BANK ON IT!!!
These are actual e-mails I have sent wrestlers and their handlers, and the actual responses I received. I've changed almost nothing. I've also thrown in a couple that did not receive any response at all.
Let me know what you think, and if you have any wrestler e-mails or websites to point out to me, please drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com
Peace, out, Canadian Bulldog
Dear Vince Rousseau,
Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). I had a try-out for WCW but you guys said you didn't know what to do with me because my costume was just a black mask and trunks.
My question: These days, I'm in the religious wrestling promotional business. We have quite a niche here in Toronto, presenting monthly cards sponsored by The Ministry of Jeb Tennyson Lund. We would like YOU to appear at our show in December to teach children about religion! Well, kind of...
What would happen is that our champion Johnny ITR would be on the verge of winning our "championship" (really, its just one of those replica ones you can find in stores) from our champion Matt Hocking, who is playing the role of Satan. Then you would run out in the main event and everyone would assume you are joining the "dark side" (I'm sure you could figure out why).
But then in a SHOCKING SWERVE, you end up helping Johnny ITR, who is fairly religious, and screwing Satan out of the title. This angle writes itself!!! What do you think?
We want you on the show because our studies indicate that many of today's young people look up to you. This would be a real coup by our promotion (Yes, we tried to get DiBiase, too -- don't ask!). Thanks for your interest,
Canadian Bulldog
Reply: Dear Bulldog.
Thanks for the offer, but for the time being I want to try to stay away from wrestling and concentrate more on my ministry. But, I do appreciate the offer!!!
Thanks,
Vince
(Bulldog's note: He used three exclamation marks. He MUST be a Canadian Bulldog fan!!!)
Dear Ravin,
Canadian Bulldog (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). You once punked out my boss Rick Scherer during an interview years ago.
My question: we would like YOU to appear at the grand opening of our 24-hour grocery store (Toronto area). It's called BulldogMart, and we advertise that if you can't find it there... YOU DON'T NEED IT!!!
The way we would introduce your appearance is, our general manager would be welcoming people to the shop and you would make an "underadvertised" run-in (wink, wink) in the middle of his speech. Like your old WWF days, you would carry a shopping cart. But instead of chains, stop signs and 2x4's, the shopping cart would hold lettuce, cauliflower and some of our other fresh produce.
At this point, everyone would assume you're "on the same side" as our store manager, but then, in a SHOCKING SWERVE, you would DDT him on the floor. Fake, of course.... And that's it. Maybe blading would be involved; not sure.
Anyways, what do you think? Please let us know ASAP. We really would rather have you show up than Hacksaw Duggan.
Peace, out, Canadian Bulldog
Reply (through his webmaster): Raven wants to know how much money the appearance would pay. Vic
Dear Web Master Vic,
Thanks for the compliment.
Regarding compensation, we can guarantee your client up to four (4) Canadian Bulldog T-Shirts. Plus he could have anything he wants from the deli counter of our store.
Peace, out, Canadian Bulldog
Dear Blue Meany,
Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). I'm the guy you met in Newark that time with the tattoo of your face on my arm. You said it was cool. Remember?
My question: I'd like you to consider "bringing the band back together" ONE more time! My friends and I are currently planning a bWo Reunion convention in December. Do you think you can make it? It will be at that community center four blocks from the old ECW Arena, obviously.
It will be a simple convention, really. About 150 fans have already committed to the show, and Oneline Onslut's webmaster Rick Scherer has said he'll pay for the whole damn thing. There will be the usual autograph signings, photos, merchandise tables, blading, etc. The guy who played 7-11 has agreed "in principle" to be there.
What I'd also like to do, to help prep for the event, is fashion cut-off bWo T-shirts and sell them at my BulldogZone merchandise shop. Not to worry; I'd cut you in on a piece of the action.
Anyways, let me know what you think. It wouldn't really be a bWo reunion without you. And Steve Richards. And Nova.
Peace, out, Canadian Bulldog
Awaiting reply…
Dear Perry Pringle III,
Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). I was one of the main sponsors of the old USWA show, around the time when Lawler won his ninth - twelfth world titles.
My question: I am laying the groundwork for a funeral-related business and I want your endorsement.
We rent out, by the hour, people to help carry coffins at funerals. Many times, older people do not have enough strong, able-bodied relatives or friends to do this, so this is where my business comes in handy.
I would like to call the company "Paul Bearer's Pallbearers". My business card would have a cartoon of YOUR FACE on it! While any resemblance to your Paul Burier character would be purely coincidental, my lawyer suggested I give you a quick e-mail first to make sure it's all kosher.
So what do you think? Even though your character is dead now, it would live on forever through the immortality of Paul Bearer's Pallbearers! Three locations in the greater Toronto area!
Peace, out, Canadian Bulldog
Reply: Thanks for the interesting email. Unfortunately, I must decline your offer. I wish you the best.
Take care. ~Percy
Dear Luscious Johnny Vee,
Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). You once put me in a side headlock in Chicago. It hurt so much I almost cried!
My question: We're getting the gang back together for our annual Canadian Bulldog's Wrestling/Boxing/Curling Stars Reunion in November, and we would very much like YOU to be among the superstars.
Our past events have been fantastic, and this year's should be no exception. We're hoping that Maxx Pain (or, if you prefer, Man Mountain Rock) will perform the national anthem to kick things off. On the boxing side of things, Jeb Tennyson Lund is scheduled to go ten rounds with champion Matt Hocking. And as far as the curling world goes, well, let's just say anything can happen. Any suggestions?
The wrestling exhibition/schmozzfest is something we've never tried before. Twenty of the areas toughest grapplers EVER (not the deceased ones, though. LOL!) will compete in contests of strength, agility, speed and blading. Should Be A Good One, as Gimmick Man often says.
The event will take place at the Downtown Toronto Marriott Hotel on November 9th. Airfare may be partly paid for. You can request a vegetarian dish ahead of time, if you wish.
Anyways, please let me know. We want to add a measure of "class" to this year's festivities, which won't be achieved if the biggest celebrity we get is Don Callis.
Peace, out, Canadian Bulldog
Hi. This is Johnny's manager, Evan Ginzburg. Johnny asked me to thank you, but he's a newlywed and working a full-time job, so it's really not a great time for him, particularly with no compensation involved. But he appreciates the offer and says hi to you and his friends in Canada.
If you'd ever like him to do his one man show or come in for an indie, his rates are quite reasonable and I would help on the publicity end.
Dear Mr. Bob Backland,
Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). I am a HUGE fan of your work. In the late-1970's, I got a haircut just like yours and wore a terrycloth bathrobe everywhere I went. True story!!!
My question is this: WHEN are you going to re-enter the world of politics? Your short-lived campaign for WWF President was "cute", but I think what this country needs right now is a forearm to the chest of good old American values!
People are sick and tired of George Dubya Bush after seeing the film Fahrenheit 411. They want someone who well give them REAL solutions and if they don't listen, someone who can put them in the cross-faced chicken wing (not literally).
So what do you think? I think a Bob Backland-Jessie Ventura ticket in 2008 is just what this country needs. If John Carey and James Johnson (not the guy who does the WWF music!) can put aside their differences for a better USA, then I think you and Jessie could as well.
Thanks for listening. Loved your rap album. Peace, out,
Canadian Bulldog
E-mail returned as undeliverable
Dear Curt Angle,
Hello, Canadian Bulldog here. You may have seen my company, Bulldog's Belly Busters, advertising on the Internet. We're basically a glorified fat farm, with 17 locations across North America.
Here's my question: My company is having its annual convention this December in Orlando, Florida, and we would like you, a former Olympic Hero, to be our SPECIAL GUEST SPEAKER! Our committee voted STRONGLY in favor of you speaking this year (beating out the other hopefuls, Susanne Summers and Stuart Stone, quite handily).
You could discuss any number of subjects to our audience of (hopefully!) 250 to 300, including your own personal struggles with weight loss. This would be very inspiring to our clients to know that a former wrestling champion and general manager has had his own "battle of the bulge". We would also make sure the facility we rent is wheelchair-accessible, so that you could transport yourself into the building more easily. If you still require that.
Please let me know if you would be available to speak in December. You definitely know how to draw a crowd - BANK ON IT!!!
Peace, out, Canadian Bulldog CEO, Bulldog's Belly Busters
Reply (from his manager Dave Hawk): What is your website address?
Dear Mr. Hawk, We have a "small web presence" at the following website. It's not much, especially compared to Mr. Angle's website, but we do feel it follows the integrity and intestiny that your client preaches.
Cheers, Bulldog
Reply: Bulldog: Please answer.
How many trainers work with you/Bulldog Belly Busters? How many locations? Do you recommend any diet supplements or products to your clients? What is your key approach to your weight loss programs? Thanks..
Hello, Mr. Hawk. To answer your questions:
(1) We try to have at least one trainer at each of our Belly Busters locations. Most of them have some actual form of fitness education, though it's not a legal requirement in Canada. (2) We have 12 locations. There were initially 17, but a few have gone "belly up" (please pardon the pun; but I refuse to cry over spilt milk.) Part of the problem was, many of the centers were down the road from each other, which created unnecessary competition. (3) We do not recommend ANY form of supplements/products to our clients because, the way I see it, why should I be handing anyone else MY potential revenue stream? So two years ago, I started creating my own line of supplements. It's not rocket science. They're ephedra-free and everything. My personal favorite is the Chewy Chocolate Carb Crunch. (4) As far as our approach goes, we have a motto around here that states: "If you can't lose the weight, you probably didn't need it in the first place!!!" And we stand by that creed 100 percent.
Thanks again for your interest. Hope to hear from you and Mr. Angle shortly.
Cheers, Bulldog
The reasons I asked the questions regarding supplementation and diet, Kurt represents a great nutritional company in the US call MHP (Maximum Human Performance).
My thoughts, possibly if you had the interest in promoting MHP to your clients and gyms their might be a possibility of getting MHP to help bring Kurt in and work in someway that works for both of you.
Not sure what I can do if MHP is not involved other than to let you know the average appearance fee for Kurt for 2 hours is around $6000 plus expenses. Pretty costly for a gym appearance or such.
If you have some ideas on how we can promote MHP and Kurt through Canada to help off set the cost lets talk.
I've also copied Frank DeJianne, VP of Marketing for MHP. Let us know if you have any ideas....
Thanks, Dave
Dear Mr. Haw, Thank you for the feedback. So, in other words, he will only appear if it's to promote these products? I admit, I'm fairly new to the cross-promotions "game", and I just want to make sure I understand this.
I have looked over your proposal for an hour now, and alas, I can't come up with any good ideas. The thing with using other people's supplements (read: legitimate ones) is, you never know when one of them is going to end up harming someone, or worse, costing me money. You remember the IcoPro scare of '94? We were up to our asses in that. Bad news all around.
The supplements I create, I'll admit, aren't very useful in reducing weight. I mostly manufacture them in my basement, in fact. But they WORK, because they are (mostly) harmless.
So it doesn't sound like, at this point, we can come to any agreements in using Mr. Angle to promote our fat farms. But I thank you very much for your interest in Bulldog's Belly Busters and the entire Bulldog Group. We will keep your client in mind for future projects, such as the Flyer Fun Fest and Clown Toss '05.
Cheers, Canadian Bulldog CEO, Bulldog's Belly Busters
That about does it for this week. Hopefully, this is NOT the last chapter in the LFAN series. Until next time, remember; if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.
Evan Ginzburg (Johnny V's manager) does a zine (print zine, that is -- not an ezine) called Wrestling Then and Now.
--K
(I've reviewed it before for Zine World. It's not bad at all. I mention it just because the wrestling world and the zining world so rarely collide.)
(It's interesting [to me], because when I was reading CB's swell missives, it was reminding me of an excellent zine called Book of Letters by Rich Mackin; letters to corporations and their responses. Good stuff. So to run across another zine connection surprised me a little bit.)
(I enjoyed your letters, CB, although I did feel bad for Angle's guy the more you strung him along...)
(edited by Karlos the Jackal on 24.10.04 0233) Last 5 movies seen: Frank and Ollie - I am Trying to Break Your Heart - Mr. & Mrs. Smith - Awakenings - I'm Not Scared
Originally posted by Karlos the JackalI enjoyed your letters, CB, although I did feel bad for Angle's guy the more you strung him along
He knew the risks...
By the way, the original source of inspiration for this was the "Letters From A Nut" series of books by Ted L. Nancy, thus the name of the column. That said, any idea where I could find this Book of Letters magazine? I haven't heard of it before, and could use some further inspiration...
This has to be my favoritest thing you've ever done, Seabee! I wish I knew who Johnny V was so that I could wonder what his one man show entails. Have you ever e-mailed any of the women from WOW, or even McLane? He has his own website linked from www.wowe.com, which still exists!
Originally posted by Karlos the JackalI enjoyed your letters, CB, although I did feel bad for Angle's guy the more you strung him along
He knew the risks...
By the way, the original source of inspiration for this was the "Letters From A Nut" series of books by Ted L. Nancy, thus the name of the column. That said, any idea where I could find this Book of Letters magazine? I haven't heard of it before, and could use some further inspiration...
Originally posted by CANADIAN BULLDOGBy the way, the original source of inspiration for this was the "Letters From A Nut" series of books by Ted L. Nancy, thus the name of the column.
...which, some would say, are in turn a poor man's version/ripoff of Don Novello/Father Guido Sarducci's collected letters by Lazlo Toth, American.
Originally posted by CRZBut then, it could be argued that practically EVERYTHING is derivative of something else...
Wouldn't you know it? Even *I* have been accused of ripping off people
CZR, Rodney Mack Salmon, Konnan The Jackyl: Thanks for the additional sources of inspiration. There is definitely another LFAN or two left in this Bulldog.
Oh, and Johnny V (Johnny Valiant) was a former WWF Tag Team champion and managed, among other people, Greg Valentine, Brutus Beefcake, Dino Bravo and the Original Demolition. He does some form of standup comedy now, which is what his agent was referencing. Check it out at his official website.
Originally posted by CRZBut then, it could be argued that practically EVERYTHING is derivative of something else...
Wouldn't you know it? Even *I* have been accused of ripping off people
CZR, Rodney Mack Salmon, Konnan The Jackyl: Thanks for the additional sources of inspiration. There is definitely another LFAN or two left in this Bulldog.
Oh, and Johnny V (Johnny Valiant) was a former WWF Tag Team champion and managed, among other people, Greg Valentine, Brutus Beefcake, Dino Bravo and the Original Demolition. He does some form of standup comedy now, which is what his agent was referencing. Check it out at his official website.
Yeah, Mackin's credited the Lazlo letters before, IIRC.
Also, I am pleased to have my own BULLDOG-style name at last!
--"Konnan"
Last 5 movies seen: Frank and Ollie - I am Trying to Break Your Heart - Mr. & Mrs. Smith - Awakenings - I'm Not Scared
Have you considered expanding the Belly-Busters franchise to the states? I think it could be HUGE!!!
(The fact that you went out and *created* this site for this effort was awesome!!1)
"Lita holds a Stone Cold Steve Austin home pregnancy test. What will the Bottom Line say? “Hell Yeah” or “Eh-EH”?" - Raw Satire, 6/15/04
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." - George W. Bush
I can't stop chuckling over "You remember the IcoPro scare of '94?"... That really affected us all.
smark/net attack wienerville advisory holds at ORANGE alert - High (JBL is STILL WWE champion and now smarks arch enemy HHH is the World Champion. Major red threat, but the undercard seems okay. The alert holds... for now)- 9/19
Thread ahead: WWE Jukebox: October 2004 Next thread: The RAW Satire, It's the Coolest (10/25/04) Previous thread: IWA MS 8th Anniversary - 10/23/04 - Highland, IN
"The Cynical Wrestling Weekly Recap.” Bah-ha! My thoughts on RAW for those who missed: RAW April 7, 2003 -Woman's match didn't do it for me. If the crowd doesn't get behind it, I don't care if it's Flair/Steamboat, it isn't fun to watch.
Thread rated: 6.74
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