"Ooooooh yeah! Freak out, freak out! Snack into a Slim Jam!" -- "Matzoh Man" Randy Sewage, 1992
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, the only man with enough GRAPEFRUITS to challenge Raw Parody columnist Matt Horking at the upcoming OO Backlash PPV. Speaking of which, here's the latest poll:
Who will win the upcoming Canadian Bulldog-Matt Horking match at OO Backlash?
(A) Canadian Bulldog (B) Bulldog (C) The Notorious D.O.G. (D) B-Dawg (E) Yes (Canadian Bulldog)
Be sure to vote for your choice at the official Inside The Ropes website (please vote for me!!!). And here are the results of our most recent poll: Now that Brock Lesnor has been fired by The Minneapolis Vikings, what career options does he have left?
(A) Compete in the Gay Pride Fighting Championships - 20 % (B) Canadian Olympic Team - 0 % (C) Try Out for Tuff Enuff - 10 % (D) Travel Back In Time; Join 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers - 33 % (E) Yes - 33 %
And now, onto the news…
As you all know, unless you're a bunch of morons (debatable), the television show Smack! Down will host its 50th Anniversary special this week!!! DID YOU KNOW that the show started off as a sitcom? It was originally supposed to star Larry from Three's Company and Kirk from Dear John as wacky roommates. But the program was quickly retooled because The WB Network wanted a show about wrestling. And the rest, as they say, is history.
Due to the milestone the show has reached, I'm going to dedicate this ENTIRE COLUMN to Smack! Down, including a set of TOP-SECRET spoilers my trusty apprentice Johnny ITR stoleborrowed was there in person for. So get ready for The All Smack! Down Edition of ITR!!!
Everyone was shocked at the finish of this week's Raw Diva contest!!! Expect Carmala to play the love interest for Mean Eugene, while Kristi will try out for the new Tuff Enuff. The other ladies will all be hired on as The Godfather's Whores 2004 in an exciting new gimmick.
Legendary wrestling personality Jim Barnette died this past week at the age of Something. He was best known for managing such teams as Midnight Express, The New Midnight Express, The New and Improved Midnight Express, The Original And Slightly Improved Midnight Express and Yozokuna. He will be missed by many, mostly Midnight Express fans.
Here are the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED Smack! Down spoilers from their special anniversary show. Don't not read ahead if you do not want not to be spoiled!!!
* The show begins with Tazzzzz and Mitchell Cole introducing the show, and then the following situation happens:
* Next was the triumphant return of Stephoney MacMahon-Helmsley!!! She comes out and thanks the millions of fans who begged for her to return to television. Then T.D. Long enters the ring and says she is so hot and beautiful that he is RELIQUINSHING his job so that she can be the new District Manager of Smack! Down!!! "Believe that, player."
* The opening match featured The Classic Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To versus the returning Gangrene and Visceria!!! Ordertaker destroys them, sending out JLB and his Secretary of State Orlando Hudson!!! After The Death Man destroys him, he then faces the returning Harvey Wipplemeyer with his charges Giant Gonselles, Clarence Hughes and Karmala The Ugandan Headbanger!!! And Ordertaker beats all of them, too. And then Randy Orson runs out and neither man can hurt each other because they're both UNSTOPPABLE!!!
* Next up was Bookie T. He calls out John Ceno and tells him to forget the next match in their "Best of 4" series because they're both accomplished wrestlers and have nothing to prove. Ceno accepts this and they shake hands and dance out of the ring together.
* Then came the triumphant return of Mick Farley, who climbed up onto the giant fist over the stage and jumped off of it for some reason. The fist collapsed under his weight and crushed six people in the front row and killed them.
* The next match was supposed to be Roy Mysterio against Spike TV Dudley, but then it turned into all of The Dudley Brotherz and The Bash 'Em Brotherz and Robbie Dupree and Kenzso Sakozuki against Roy Roy, but he couldn't make it, so then it was The Ordertaker who cleaned house, and it was the best 7-on-1 match EVER!!!
* Then it was time for the HUGE return of Stoned Cold Steve Austen!!! He rode up on his old sheriff bicycle and took the mic. He said "If you wanna see Stoned Cold return to WWE, gimme an 'Oh Hell Yeah'!". But before anyone was able to answer him, his Porn Star Girlfriend jumped out of the audience and stabbed him to death with a knife. Then she chugged beers until the show went to commercial.
* Next up was the debut of Charlita Caribbean Cruel, who handed his gold chains to the ring announcer and said "Yo, chico, if something happen to these chains, something gonna happen to you, maing." Then he was attacked by Scott Hal (because he used to play Razor Raymond, remember?). And Hal took the mic and said "Hey, maing, survey says… you're stealing my gimmick, chico". Then Hal was attacked by The New Razor Raymond and The New Deesel, who unmasked and revealed himself to be The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain. Then The Ordertaker ran into the ring and cleaned house!!!
* Then there was the tag team match featuring The Best Show and Eddie Guerrera against Kur Tangle and Lucifer Rains.
* Backstage, Charlie Horse confessed to Ricola that over the weekend, he proposed to Miss Jackeé. Ricola told him that was very good news, but because they were tag team partners, Horse was also marrying HIM!!! Charlie Horse shrugged and then sighed, accepting his fate.
* The final segment was reserved for the triumphant return of Hollywood Hal Kogan. He was supposed to enter the ring, but got attacked in the parking lot by a Hummer Driver. And everyone thought it was going to be Billy The Kid-Sized Man, wanting to continue their epic feud from WCW!!! But then he got a-scared, so he didn't run him over after all. So who was it in the car? None other than Stoned Cold's Porn Star Girlfriend who was beat up by The Ordertaker to close the show.
Thanks, Johnny ITR, for digging that up!!! You really are the most trustworthy apprentice ever!!!
Recently, I had the chance to speak with Smack! Down Undisputed World Raw Heavyweight Champion, Justin "Breadshaw" Lagerfeld. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript:
JBL: Hello, this is John Bradshaw. CB: So how you come you hate Mexicans? JBL: Who is this? CB: Canadian Bulldog. JBL: Canadian, huh? Are you signing up for my "Creating Love" seminar next month in Toronto? CB: No thanks! JBL: Then why are you calling here? CB: For an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED interview. Obviously, duh! JBL: Publicity, huh? Okay, go ahead. But I don't hate Mexicans, or any other group. I am here to spread the word of love. CB: Yeah, bullshit. Question number one: How did you feel when your limousine got destroyed? JBL: IT DID? CB: And how! There's a big hole in the top from where the body was slammed through it. JBL: (gasps) I… just bought that… CB: Question number two: Why do you use hand cream before you start fighting people? JBL: I've never done that. And I don't fight people! CB: Well, your workrate is pretty crappy; I'll grant you that. JBL: I don't use hand crème. CB: Yes you do! JBL: No, I don't. CB: Do too! JBL: DON'T! CB: Do! JBL: DON'T! CB: Do too! JBL: I DO NOT!!!!! CB: Why are you getting so edgy? JBL: You, sir, are the most frustrating imbecile I have ever encountered! CB: Thanks for the compliment!!! Question number three: Why do you always pay off Orlando Hudson to your dirty work for you? JBL: I don't do that! CB: Yes you do. JBL: No I don't! CB: Do so. JBL: I'm hanging up, this is f!*@!!ng ludicrice! CB: One second, I have just one more thing to say… JBL: Fine. CB: This interview… IS OVER!!! (Hangs up) JBL: (Buzzes secretary) Martha, cancel my seminar next month… yeah, that Creating Love bullshit. Let's see if we can a Creating Hatred one going.
If you can think of anyone who you're DYING for me to interview, drop me a line at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Finally, here are more of my world-famous
Letters From A Nut
No responses to these ones, unfortunately, because the wrestlers in questions are a bunch of crybaby chickens. But the good news is… I plan to start the project up again soon!!! So if you can think of any wrestlers e-mails for me to harass write to, drop me a line ASAP.
Dear Spike Dudleyz, Canadian Bulldog here. You are my favorite Dudley Brother EVER (though, don't get me wrong; I got a kick out of Sign Guy, too)!!!
I have a HUGE favor to ask you. My grandparents are holding their 50th wedding anniversary on August 16th. It's a big deal for them, because they've been married for a long time now. Somehow, in the course of the conversation, I accidentally might have kind of told them that you might kind of show up. Now they're expecting you there!
Don't ask WHY I would have volunteered you, a complete stranger. They are HUGE wrestling fans, and I thought this would make them happy. Also, they think I'M a big-name wrestler (Yeah, right, I can't even get a dark match on NWA T&A), so they think I have direct connections to superstars such as you. They'll be absolutely SHATTERED if they find out I can't bring you to the party!
So what do you say? Your appearance (even a brief one to take some photos and perhaps arm-wrestle my Uncle Moe) would help matters greatly. You could help yourself to all the punch and finger sandwiches you want.
Please let me know ASAP; otherwise, I may have to forfeit my appearance at the party. I am SO embarrassed!
Peace, out, Canadian Bulldog
Dear Randy Orson,
Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). We met at an OVW event some time back. You were pretty cool to me and my friends.
My question: What are you going to do about Jeb Tennyson Lund already? Are you just going to let this guy ridicule your fine name and drag it through the mud? If you haven't noticed yet, there are "Orton Fears Jeb" signs in the arenas almost every week on Raw. People on the Internet are debating the matter like crazy. And I've seen somewhere where someone is actually SELLING an "Orton Fears Jeb" tote bag! For $13.99!
This is ridiculous, and I think you have to make it stop. I know you don't fear Jeb, and most of the world probably realizes it as well. But the time is LONG OVERDUE for you to take a stand and tear this bastard a new asshole. You are a third generation superstar and, in my opinion, a future World Champion: you don't need to take this! You don't need to take this! You don't need it!
A concerned fan, Canadian Bulldog
That about does it for this week. If you have any questions, questions, questions or questions (or even if you have a question or two), drop me a line at email@example.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.
Great Satire as always. I noticed this week that the story ends with a 2... and last week it ended in a 3... What will happen the week after next? A huge shakeup in the world of Satire? Can I start the over-speculation with the return of Austinberg?