Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes, the column where we rarely distinguish between Fact, Fiction and Outright Bullshit. I'm Canadian Bulldog.
Recently, I received an e-mail that captured my attention:
Dressed to THRILL!
Announcing the long awaited launch of the VPX clothing line! Now YOU can wear the same apparel that you've seen the entire VPX crew wearing at such huge major bodybuilding and fitness events as the Mr. Olympia, Show of Strength, and Arnold Classic. You've built your body using VPX supplements, and now you can show it off with the hottest clothing in the biz! VPX clothing is the way to "WRAP THE PACKAGE!"
Let's Hear From You!
Anabolicmag.com readers! Do you have any questions or comments about training, nutrition, or VPX supplements? Do you want to share a workout routine or dietary strategy that has worked particularly well for you? Do you have a testimonial about a particular VPX product? If so, let us know and you might just see it in the "TIP OF THE WEEK" or "VPXCELLENCE" section of a future issue of Anabolicmag.com!
Email questions/comments to email@example.com
Errr… not that one. This was the one I meant to show you:
How come you didn't include a "DID YOU KNOW" fact last week?
Well, because of my error (and because no one actually sent one in, and because there's not a lot of real news to report on this week), I have decided to devote an entire EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED column with enough trivia, tidbits and fodder to fill the entire Alec Guinness Book Of World Records. So get ready for:
DID YOU KNOW?
Part One: History
· DID YOU KNOW that the first-ever wrestling match took place in 708 BC (Before Chairshots) during the Olympic Games in Ancient Greece? The match was an "Ancient Greece Streetfight" and was won by Lampis De Laconie, who later competed under the gimmicks "Cowboy" Lampis De Laconie, "The Russian Nightmare" Lampis De Laconie, "Carlito Caribbean" Laconie, and LDL.
· Because wrestling WASN'T fake (up until recently), matches would often go hours on end, with the competitors rolling around on a stone tablet. It was hard to determine a winner because Ref Bumps hadn't been invented yet, so the heels had to find more creative ways to interfere, such as giving The Bubonic Plague to the crowd and Parting The Red Sea while the referee's back was turned.
· The first "legitimate" wrestling champion (in the old WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWF territory) was Bruno Santamartina, also known as "The Italian Stallion". Santamartina won the big ugly gold belt (which was made out of copper back then) on October 24, 1929. Unfortunately, too many people paid scalpers for tickets to the show, causing a Stock Market Crash. Somehow.
· Santamartina held on to the title for a sort-of-impressive 40 years, dropping the strap on June 21, 1969 to The Iran Sheik. Santamartina was distracted because he was supposed to be the first man on the moon later that day, but had to give his spot to astronauts Neil Diamond and Buzz Stern.
· The Shiek did the J.O.B. for Hollywood Hal Kogan on June 17, 1972 in a match at The Watergate Hotel. The Sheik, along with manager Classy "Freddie" Blassie, Nikelai Volkov and President Richard Nixen were arrested that evening for trying to bug the hotel and sabotage the WWWF title.
Part Two: Records
· DID YOU KNOW that the heaviest wrestler EVER was Yozokuna, who tipped the scales at an amazing 6,008 pounds during his prime? He had to wear a special reinforced diaper to the ring after a "wardrobe malfunction" occurred at a January 1993 house show.
· The tallest wrestler EVER was Jose Gonzales (a/k/a El Gigantic), who measured 28 feet tall during his prime (27.5 feet shortly after). Taller yet when we wore his furry neanderthal costume in the WWF.
· The smallest wrestler EVER? Jericho.
· Even though "Lund Killer" Randy Orson and "The Next Best Thing" Brock Lesnor keep bitching about it, NEITHER of them are the youngest world champions ever. That distinction goes to… none other than Shane MacMahon's Punk Ass Kid. Earlier this year, when Chavito Guerrera refused to do the job to his seventy-something year-old father, Vince MacMahon forced Chavito to drop the strap to Shane O' Max Jr. at a house show. But because you didn't see it on TV…
· Mr. Orson will SOON hold another record, when Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw co-general manager Eric Bischov will book him in the biggest handicap match EVER!!! At the upcoming PPV Tattoo Tuesday, he will face Revolution, Coach Man, Troublemaker Tyson, The Christian, The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain, Los Resistance, Most of the Smack! Down Roster, The Reanimated Corpse of Andrew The Giant, A Hippopotamus From The Local Zoo, The 1984 Chicago Bears, The 1979 Bad News Bears, Bad News Brown, D-Low Brown and Stoned Cold Sheriff Austen's Beer Cooler That He Forgot To Pick Up From Trojan Towers After Vince MacMahon Fired His Ass. Look for Orson to win decisively.
· Everyone thinks Nature Guy Ricky Flare holds the record from the most world titles. NOT TRUE!!!
· The current indoor attendance record for wrestling is 7,036,956,123,649,203,203,203,204,009½. The main event was Hal Kogan Vs. Someone.
Part Three: Merchandise Sales Pitch
· DID YOU KNOW that the best wrestling-related T-shirt EVER is available right here ? World Life!!!
Part Four: Wrestling Terminology
· DID YOU KNOW that the term Blade means to cut one's head open with a knife (or, in a pinch, a saw) and force it to bleed, a practice usually involving Sean McMichaels?
· Gig means a concert.
· Work means whenever a match is actually a Shoot, but Vince Rousseau wants to Rib the Smart Marks into Thinking that there's Heat between the Boys In The Back.
· A Blade Job is what Triple HHH was doing recently in Hollywood with Wesley Sniper.
Part Five: Misc.
· DID YOU KNOW that rappers The Insane Crowd Posse weren't the first musicians to be active wrestlers? If you didn't know that, then you're the biggest fucking idiot in the world!!! Because back in the 60's, The Beach Boys competed in ten-man tag team matches throughout the Midwest.
· Despite supposed ''experts.'' such as Wade Kellerman, Dave Scaia and Rick Scherer telling us otherwise, there actually WERE two Ultimate Worriers. And two Kains. Same thing with Doing The Clown -- everyone thinks it was just trick photography, but no, there were two of them. Same with Zak Gowan (they had to use twins because of child labor laws), The Giant Machine(s) and The Man They Used To Call Vadar.
· Do you remember the time that Hal Kogan 'accidentally' drove his car onto Paul White (now known as The Best Show), pushing him off the roof of a building? That was so cool.
· The reason WWE does their Smack Down Your Damn Vote Already campaign is because, four years ago, people were too busy watching wrestling to go out and vote in the presidential election!!! Which forced a tie in Florida because they were leading by only one vote!!! So if, say, all the members of Degenerated X had exercised their fifth-amendment rights to vote, then we'd be looking at President Al Groe instead of Dubya!!! Which means that Osama Ben Aladdin would have probably gone into another line of work, such as Real Estate!!! And then the Democrats would have had nothing to complain about!!! And Michael More would have made a different movie instead of Farenheit 619!!! All because of that selfish bastard Vince MacMahon!!!
· Raw Parody columnist Matt Horking is GOING DOWN at the upcoming Oldline Onslut Backlash PPV. In case you missed on it the OO Message Boards, I've challenged him to a match. If he wins, he gets the services of my trusty apprentice Johnny ITR for a month. IfWhen If he beats me, then I get the "services" (meaning sex) of His Darling Stacy for 30 days. Sure, I'm got nothing to gain and everything to lose, but what the hell? Anyways, here's my most recent promo for this feud to determine the Internet's funniest writer EVER!!!
Time to bust out some Bulldoganomics:
There's some goof out there, who calls himself Matt His jokes are like his woman's chest both are way too flat.
You think you're in the same league as The Notorious D-O-G? When I'm done with you, you'll be lucky if you're still in the I-W-C.
Everyone out there thinks the Bulldog is some loveable goof-ball, Reality check time, Hocking I ain't that loveable at all.
When you face me at Backlash you'll realize I'm "the shit" Take that to the bank, Matt, or should I say: BANK ON IT!!!
· Although The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain admitted that Eric Bischov gave him and The Returning Pregnant Leeta an Open Contract™ as a wedding gift, the happy couple also received: A waffle iron from Rodney Max & Jazzz; some silverware from Mr. and Mrs. Kenszo Sazuki; some china from Chynna; bathroom curtains and mats from a Train; a set of bedroom linens from Justin "Breadshaw" Lagerfeld; and a five-speed blender from Lucifer Rains. While this hasn't been confirmed, we believe that Triple HHH and Stephoney MacMahon-Undertaker-Test-Helmsley got them a gift certificate to Pottery Barn.
· Do you think that Brad and Oren Hurt were the only pair of twin brothers to win the WWF tag team titles? THINK AGAIN!!! You're obviously forgetting, stupid, about The Bash 'Em Brothers (Donny and Dave Bash 'Em), Dead Or Alive (Chainz and Nailz), The British Bull Dogs (no relation) (Davey B. Smith and Kid Dyn-o-mite), The Smoking Gunns.com (Barry and Barry Gun), Takajiri and Rhino (Takajiri and Rhino Johnson), and The Powers That Be Of Pain (Warlock and Bavarian).
· The final DID YOU KNOW? for this week: DID YOU KNOW that the following wrestlers are on drugs? Except for that one guy who just uses cough medicine.
That about does it for this week. I'll be back next week with some news, rumors, gossip, trash-talk about Matt Horking, hopefully something other than filler material, and yes, a brand-new DID YOU KNOW. Until next time, remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.
Seriously, broseph, I was reading this and while I was reading I was also laughing really hard at the same time. Then as a bonus, the /Weekend with the Original beloved babyface tagteam reference was named one of the 80 Best Articles of the Year.