"Can you tell what The Rock is cookin'?" --Rocky Maivia, numerous occasions.
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside the Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, the blah blah blah blah of yada yada yada, et cetera, and so on. But first, a quick poll:
Now that he's been fired by the Minneapolis Vikings, what career options does Brock Lesnor have left?
(A) Compete in the Gay Pride Fighting Championships. (B) Canadian Olympic team. (C) Try out for Tuff Enuff. (D) Travel back in time; join 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers. (E) Yes.
Be sure to vote for your choice at the official Inside The Ropes website. During our last poll, we actually had an UNPRECEDENTED number of votes, which I will reveal here for the first time:
Who will become the fourth member of Revolution? (A) Barry Wind' Em – 3 (0 %) (B) Jerry The King Lawyer - 1,001 (95 %) (C) Triple HHH – 4 (0 %) (D) Ravitching Ricky Rude – 33 (3 %) (E) Yes – 5 (0 %)
And now, onto the news…
Shakeup at Trojan Towers: Vince MacMahon is officially fed up with his normally top-notch writing crew, and began a firing spree that started with Doctor Death Tom Prickhard, allegedly because he walked around telling everyone "Ayyyyyyyye luuuuuuvvvvvvv yewwwwwww".
He has been replaced by the man known as 'the mad scientist of wrestling', because he used to mix drugs when he ran ECW. He was also the co-host of WCW Power Hour along with Misty Hyatte, and played Fat Announcer # 1 in the remake of the movie Roller Jam. Up until recently, he was guiding the career of promising youngster HI-DAN-RIKE.
Yes, I could only be speaking of the one and only Paul Herman. Can he single-handedly save the Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw brand? BANK ON IT!!!
Rumor has it that Simon Diamond Page and Stoned Cold Sheriff Austen are hard at work creating their own Reality Television Show, filling a void that is desperately needed on network TV right now.
As luck would have it, my apprentice Johnny ITR has secured a copy of the script from the show's pilot:
Host: Welcome to the House of Pain. Let's meet our contestants: a 28 year-old unemployed musician from Denver; a 36 year-old fitness instructor from Portland; a 23 year-old construction worker from Long Island; a 66 year-old grandmother from Chicago; a 39 year-old former world heavyweight champion from Victoria, Texas; and a 58 year-old wrestler turned motivational speaker from The Diamond Mine.
(individual interviews; behind closed doors)
Construction Worker: I had no idea what would happen when we all moved in together in the same house.
Motivational Speaker: Hey, bro, I had no idea if this would work, but I'm always thinking positive. It's Positively Page all the way, bro. SELF HIGH-FIVE! We all had to make the best of it and make it work. YA LOVE ME, YA HATE ME, YOU'LL NEVER FORGET ME!
Fitness Instructor: Right away, I noticed that two of the men seemed to have a secret language. It was all "work" this, and "shoot" that, a "rib" here and a "painkiller" there. They were obviously forming an alliance.
Former World Champion: Sure, we were part of the Alliance angle after Vince bought WCW, but that was a long time ago. We were just ribbin' her. The silly bitch was onto us from the first day me and Page arrived in tha damn house. I turned to her and said "Are ya accusing me of lying? WHAT? Makin' up stories? WHAT? Telling tales? WHAT? A fib? WHAT?" And that's all I got tah say about that.
Musician: I just wanted everyone to get along. Things were going fine until Page invited his old neighbor, some guy Bischoff, over for dinner. That wasn't a pleasant evening.
Motivational Speaker: Yo, if anyone's gonna try to steal my socks outta my sock drawer, they're gonna FEEL – THE – BANG!
Grandmother: I was surprised, to the say the least. He asked me to throw him a beer, and well, I believe that alcoholic beverages shouldn't be consumed at breakfast. Then he kicked me in the stomach, put my neck over his arm, and dropped down. It wasn't very nice of that young man.
Former World Champion: If you wanna see me give Granny a stunner, gimme an Oh Hell Yeah! WHAT? I said, Oh Hell Yeah!
Motivational Speaker: And that's not a Bad Thing, that's… a Good Thing. BANG!
Internet Wrestling Columnist: This reality show… IS OVER!!!
Viva La Rasta: Eddie Guerrera has given up his addiction to crack cocaine because he's now addicted to… defeating Lucifer Rains!!! The sexy newcomer interfered in Latin Heat's Best of 3 Falls Series match against Kur Tangle, and now Guerrera says he won't be happy until he can defeat Rains and drive off to a victory party in his Low Riser.
Speaking of drug addicts, Jeff Hardee duked it out with Double Jeff Jarrod this week in the most highly anticipated match in NWA T and A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits and Ass) history.
Because the match took place after ITR's press deadline (Webmaster ZRC gets quite ornery if he doesn't his columns at least two weeks in advance), I hadn't yet watched the big title match. And even if it had happened before deadline… well, who’s kidding who here?
This was the last regular Wednesday paper-view for T and A before they switch to an all-new format of straight-to-video events. Will this latest promotional concept make them the biggest wrestling company in the world? YES!!!
Things are out of hand over on Smack! Down now that WWE World Champion Justin "Breadshaw" Lagerfeld has loaned his championship to his assistant Orlando Hudson. Can't General Manager T.D. Long do anything to return the belt back to its rightful and very deserving owner?
Unless you're a moron and know nothing about nothing, you're aware that World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. Inc. Ltd. LLC's latest paper-view spectacular is right around the corner (next month). Here, then, is an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED preview of what to expect at Unforgiving:
MAIN EVENT "Lund Killer" Randy Orson Vs. Triple HHH -- Inferno Match I never thought it would get to this, but the two former leaders of Revolution are letting their emotions get to them, which has forced them to Do The Unthinkable and have a wrestling match – for the title! As Randy is fond of saying: "You know, Triple HHH, I… you… the… um… well… you know. I'm going to beat you, Triple HHH. I'm going to beat you, Triple HHH. Beat you!"
MAIN EVENT "Heartburn Kid" Sean McMichaels Vs. The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain -- Winner gets to fuck Leeta This match actually started taking shape two months ago, when Kain decapitated HKB with a steel chair. But then McMichaels began praying to Jesus and is now coming back… as a Saint!!! This match has "scientific classic" written all over it.
MAIN EVENT Y J Stinger Chuck Jericho Vs. The Christian –- Ladder On A Pole Match for the vacant International Title Ever since The Christian's former brother and life partner TheEdge was injured with a life-threatening groin pull, the vacant Hi-C title has been up for grabs. This bout will probably settle the issue once and for all. Or maybe not. Then again… maybe it will. Or it might not.
MAIN EVENT Tritch Stratus Vs. Queen Vicktoria -- Winner Gets Rights To The "GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO" Song Look for Stephen Richards In Drag to interfere in this one, followed by Troublemaker Tyson In Drag, then Eric Bischov In Drag will run out and say "This match isn't over until I say it's over!" Then Mean Eugene In Drag will run out and kiss his Uncle Eric (because they're lesbians now, remember?) and that will prompt Billy and Chucky to double-date with them and then The Three Man Warning will come out from hiding and attack everyone because they're opposed to the concept of Gay Marriage. Then Presidential Candidate John Carey will drive down to the ring in his campaign van and clean house. And it will be the best match EVER!!!
MAIN EVENT William Royal and Canadian Crippler Chris Benwah Vs. Nature Guy Ricky Flare and Deacon Bautista -- Special "Geez, Last Month I Was In The Main Event And Now I'm Part Of This Shit" Match Tensions will be high in this match, for some reason. What you DON'T know is that Revolution is secretly scouting their young, sexy opponents and want one of them to join Revolution. Which one? Only time will tell.
Oh, hell, it's Benwah.
MAIN EVENT The Rookie Monster Rhino Richards and Takajiri Vs. Los Resistance -- Special "Uh, I Guess This Is Supposed To Be For The Tag Team Titles" Match Look for the team of to come out on top.
Finally, let's go to the gimmick that never dies; a little something I like to call…
Letters From A Nut
Note: None of these three e-mails got a response. Probably because they were a little SCARED of the Notorious D.O.G.
Dear WWE Fan Services,
I was reading the section on your "WWE Parents" site recently about 'WWE Cautions Fans About Superstar Impostors'. I have come across a very serious case of this.
My next-door neighbor is trying to pass himself off as John Bradshaw Layfield. He, quite obviously, is not. His real name is Jeb Tennyson Lund, and all he's doing is ruining the reputation of your trademarked character.
JTL (not to be confused with JBL) runs around the street telling us how we should rid our country of Mexicans, and how he's made millions of dollars in the stock market. He wears a suit and a cowboy hat everywhere and tells children he's the WWE Champion. The only thing missing is the limousine with horns on it; JTL drives a 1999 Audi (no horns).
What can be done to rectify this situation? As far as most of the neighborhood is concerned, they think he IS Bradshaw, not a cheap impersonation. Can an investigation be conducted? Can you folks threaten to sue? I just don't want to see all the hard work your company (and JBL) have made go to waste just because of a bastard like Jeb.
Sincerely, Bill "Bulldog" Dog
Dear Drill Sergeant Slaughter,
Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). We met at a toy convention many, many years ago.
My question: We are holding our annual Canadian Bulldog's Curling Classic in December (Toronto area), and kind of by accident, I told our committee that you would be our master of ceremonies.
Don't ask why; it's a looooooong story. My committee was yelling at me because Jeb Lund pulled out at the last minute, and I was trying to tell them we had a replacement (just to placate them, you understand). So I was looking on my desk and came across your old G.I. Joe action figure. Don't know why I had it there. But bottom line: I told them you could make it.
Are you available? This is a very HIGH CLASS curling tournament that has gained national attention in the Canadian media. One of your old wrestling alumnae, George The Aminal Steel, has talked to us about doing voiceovers on our upcoming DVD.
Please let me know ASAP. I don't want to have to be the one to break it to my committee that Sgt. Slaughter reneged on a promise (wink wink) to emcee our event.
Peace, out, Canadian Bulldog
Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). We partied together in that club in Toronto. You were pretty drunk. I was too. Remember?
I'm in the television business these days and I have a proposal that I think you will LOVE: a reality show about wrestlers!!!
No, it's not that Tuff Enuff shit; this one has real potential. I'm calling it "HOUSE OF PAIN" and it's about a group of nine wrestlers that are forced to live in a steel-cage enclosed house for three months. Week by week, the fans (smarks) eliminate one until two are left -- then they have a match (worked, obviously) to determine the House Champion.
We are also looking to get Brutus The Beefcake in on this and one of the ex members of the tag team Well Dunn. Also attached to the project are up and coming grapplers Jeb Tennyson Lund, "The Webmaster" Rick Scherer and Stuart Stone.
So what do you think? Are you in? Do you have Roaddog Jamie James' contact information too?
Peace, out, Canadian Bulldog
That about does it this week. Remember, if you have any suggestions, comments, complaints or HAPPY BIRTHDAY WISHES (The B-Dawg hits the big 3-1 on Sunday; just saying), drop me a line at email@example.com). And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.
Happy Birthday to the guy who makes changing wrestlers' names seem cool.
And I LOVE LOVE LOVE the idea for the reality show. Page is destined for work on the small screen anyways. Oh, and the answer to the Lesnar question is D. With him on the Bucs, they will have no excuse for sucking. NO EXCUSES!
Joe Wilson (looking at Interocitor manual)- Hey, here's something my wife could use in the house... Crow T. Robot- A man? Joe Wilson- An interocitor incorporating an electron sorter. Cal Meechum- Oh, she'd probably gain 20 pounds while it did all the work for her. Tom Servo- Cal, you bitch!
Happy belated Birthday Bulldog... Haha, I like your letter to Fan Services.
smark/net attack wienerville advisory is raised to ORANGE alert - High (Benoit lost the title to some punk kid named Orton, lets look at the positive at least it's a heel not named HHH who has the title, which allows two fresh faces battling for the World title.. whaat? excuse me? what happened on Raw! well scratch that... Over to Smackdown we wave at Justin Bradshaws title reign, I think I'm getting sea sick)- 8/22
Kim - I thought this piece was brilliant. You have a terrific way with words that brings your emotion right out onto the page. One question though - I have always heard it Jesus H. Christ up here in Maine. Regional differences?