Note: Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). What you're about to read is the sequel to my Letters From A Nut column written two weeks ago. If you're unfamiliar with the concept, click on the earlier version; all will be explained. For those too lazy to click on the link, these are ACTUAL e-mails to wrestlers and the responses that followed (and in some cases, the messages that came back undeliverable). I have edited NOTHING. I also wanted to give a big fat 'Thanks for the compliment!!!' for all the incredible feedback I received over the past two weeks in the form of e-mails, message board posts and, uh, church signs. I've been going through some pretty terrible things in my personal life recently, so I REALLY appreciate the remarks, not to mention the suggestions and wrestler e-mails I've been sent since. Thanks, folks. Okay, enough with the mushy shit. Onto the next batch of letters! Peace, out, Canadian Bulldog
Hunka Hunka Wedding Love
Dear The Honky Tonky Man, Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). Used to be in the Calgary Stampede area back in the day. I have one of your action figures too! Favor to ask: Would you be interested in making a personal appearance at my brother's wedding? Long story short, he is a HUGE Honky Tonky Mark. He still thinks you're the greatest Intercontinational Champion of all time, not this dumb Randy Orson fuck. Anyways... you know how a lot of people want to have Elvis impersonators marry them? Well, Ryan (my bro) and Liz (his fiancee) want YOU instead! Don't worry, you don't have to have any special licenses or anything to do it; the rabbi will do all his "Jewish stuff" and you'll just do your patented Honky Tonky dance. You could also stay for refreshments afterwards (should be a GREAT sweet table!). If grandma gets out of line, you can hit her over the head with a guitar. It's all good. Let me know ASAP. It's either you or Bad Boss Man. I'm pulling for you. Peace, out, Canadian Bulldog
Reply: How's it going? What does it pay? HTM
Dear Honky, Thanks for your interest. I have contacted my brother, and he says he will spare NO expense getting THE greatest I-C champion of all time to conduct his wedding. Does $175 sound fair? We would also treat you to your choice of (a) chicken dinner (b) vegetarian platter. You could sit at the head table, or eat with the band. Completely your call. Also, if you need your sequined robe dry-cleaned before or after the big event -- say no more. We'll take care of it. My family is pretty generous like that. Anyways, let me know if this fits into your busy schedule. We're very excited by this development. Cheers, Canadian Bulldog
P.S. Do you have a new album on the way?
Now… We Go To School!!!
Dear Women's Wrestling Academy, Canadian Bulldog here. I am *this close* to taking the entire wrestling world by storm, and I want YOUR SCHOOL to get all the credit for my remarkable success story. One problem: I am not yet, technically, a woman. This will change in October, after my surgery. I will become a woman in EVERY respect, and hopefully, can start my career as a female wrestler. I would like my "gimmick" to be that I used to be a man. The announcers on television can play it up, saying that I'm stronger than the average woman or something. I think an angle like that could play very well, especially on the indy circuit. I'm also thinking of changing my ring name from Canadian Bulldog, because it sounds TOO masculine, you know? Please let me know ASAP when I can join your fine school. I'm looking very forward to being THE most dominant transvestite wrestler in the world. Peace, out, Canadian Bulldog (a/k/a Michelle)
Reply: The following addresses had permanent fatal errors -----firstname.lastname@example.org
Dear Ohio Valley Wrestling, Canadian Bulldog here. Many people have told me I possess the skills to become the NEXT Brock Lesnor. I want to take advantage of this gift I have and enroll in YOUR wrestling school! How does this happen? I feel am I the best shape I could possibly be in, and I am known to lift logs clear over my head. I can cut a promo like nobody's business. To wit: "Let me tell you something, Bruiser (assuming my opponent's name is Bruiser. If not, insert someone else). This is the Canadian Bulldog here, and I'm ready to make a name for myself... at your expense! Feel the pain, sucka! FEEL THE PAIN!!!!" What do you think? Do I have what it takes? I'm not trying to brag, but I honestly think my skills are already better than David Flair's. Please let me know ASAP when I can arrive at your fine school to start kicking ass and taking names (not literally). It's either that or military school. Peace, out, Canadian Bulldog
Reply: Bulldog, Keep a watch out on our webiste for info about the next class starting this fall for the school...other than that, how can we tell what you have? I know Brock personally and "there will never be another Brock Lesnar as far as I am concerned! Julie
Dear Julie, Thanks for passing along that information. The reason I compare myself to Brock is because, it's part of my "gimmick". I want to hold up signs during my matches that say "Brock Fears Bulldog", along the lines of "Sabu Fears Taz", "Orton Fears Jeb", etc. Can this be arranged? Thanks, Julie. You won't be disappointed with me. I will "shoot" on all the other trainees until no one wants to show up at wrestling camp. That's how legitimately tough I am! Peace, out, Canadian Bulldog
Dear B. Brain Blair, Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). I was in the restaurant that time when you slipped and injured yourself. You are easily my favorite Killer Bee. My question: I am trying to start a wrestling school in the Toronto, Canada area, and we plan on naming it the "B Brain Blair School of Professional Wrestling". My lawyer suggested giving you a quick holler to make sure that was fine. I trust it is? Just so you know, the school would be in NO WAY affiliated with you or your character (besides your name, that is. And the pictures.). We will try to teach a healthy combination of grappling, high-flying and blading skills at our fine institution. You would be proud. We'd also like to invite you to our "grand opening" ceremony in late-September (date TBA. Stay tuned!). You could cut a ribbon or something - it would play great in the newspapers. Plus, if you wanted us to get Jumpin' John Brunzelle on the guest list - no problem. Let me know ASAP. Your # 1 fan EVER, Canadian Bulldog
Reply: The following addresses had permanent fatal errors ----- (reason: 550 5.1.1 ... User unknown)
Dear The Monster Factory, Canadian Bulldog here. I once inquired about attending your wrestling school years ago, but it was too expensive at the time. So I taught myself and I'm doing alright in the business. I'm headlining a show this weekend against Jeb Tennyson Lund in Milwaukee! My question: Believe it or not, my grandfather would like to start training for the squared circle! He is 81 years "young", and he tells me he wants to have a wrestling career before he dies. He is in perfect health (ie he's not crazy or anything). I've taken him through a few basic bumps and even helped him blade a few times, but he needs professional assistance. Could your school handle this? Despite his age, my pappy is in the BEST SHAPE of his life! He can take flat-back bumps, suplexes, slams, everything (his moonsault is a little pathetic, but at least he's trying!). But he needs serious, professional instruction before he can make it to the big time. Tagging with me in hardcore matches on the indy circuit just isn't enough for him, he says. Please let me know ASAP. It would be a lifelong dream of his to train at the same facility that started Terry 'Bam Bam' Bigelow, The Road Warriors, Triple HHH and so many others. THANK YOU! Peace, out, Canadian Bulldog
Reply: Your e-mail has been received by the Monster Factory/WWA. We will be replying to your e-mail in the near future. (Please do not respond to this e-mail - it is automatically generated). Thank you. Joe Webmaster
Doesn't Know The Difference Between A Wristlock And…
Sent through his official website: Dear Bryan Kendricks, Canadian Bulldog here. This may sound like a silly question, but I met you at a Smack! Down taping earlier this year in New Jersey, before you were fired by WWE. I was backstage for a "meet and greet", and after you signed my program, I asked you to hold onto my watch for a second. It was a Johnny ITR watch with a black wristband. After I went off to search out D-Lo Dudley's autograph, I remembered about the watch. This was about ten minutes later. I went back to find you, and you were gone! I asked one of the other boys (think it was Palumbo) whether you had given the watch to them to hold before you left, and he said he didn't know. Then he laughed. So here's my question: do you still have the watch? I know it was a long time ago now, but I JUST came across your website today. And the jerks at wwe.com keep ignoring my request for the item. I am not accusing you, in any way, of STEALING the watch; please don't get that impression. I'm sure you can afford your own Johnny ITR watch. But I'm just wondering if you have it at home somewhere, or whether you maybe handed it to Johnny Ace or someone before you left the company. Anyways, just kind of curious. I LOVED that watch. Peace, out, Canadian Bulldog
Reply: Buddy, I have never held anyone's watch. I don't know if I have ever done a meet and greet in New Jersey, but I do know that D-Von and I were never on the same roster. You see, he was a Raw guy, and I was on the Smackdown roster. I think when you were making up this story you forgot that D-Von is new to the Smackdown roster, and the trades happened after I had already left. I am sorry Canadian Bulldog, but I would never hold anyone's watch because the funny thing about watches is you either A) wear them on your "WRIST" or B) put them in your pocket. I am assuming that we are talking about a wrist watch, well that just wouldn't make sense for you to take it off. If somebody were to ask me to hold a wrist watch I would tell them no, unless they had no hands, and the watch kept on sliding off. Even then I wouldn't want to, but I would be too stunned, and feel too guilty to say no. If it was a pocket watch, the only thing I could think of is that you might have been wearing pants or shorts that had NO pockets, showed up holding it the whole time until you had to interact with somebody/something else. But a person who carries a watch in their hand at all times would probably not let it out of their sight, because my guess would be they are obsessed with that watch and wouldn't want anybody touching it. I know I sure wouldn't Want to touch it, no offense, but that just sounds like too much responsibility. You never know what might happen to it. You might just lose it, and then months later have somebody using an alias, who misspells your name while asking about what happened to that watch. I am sorry to hear about you loss, and my condolences. I can do one thing however, I can ask Chan, who runs the web-site if she can post a description of the watch along with your letter, and we can put out an all points bulletin. Sorry that is the best I can think of. P.S. Did you try looking under your couch cushions?
Dear Brian (I thought it was 'Bryan'. My bad.), Regarding your message, thanks for the compliment. Look, I'm just trying to find my wristwatch. I clearly remember handing it off to you (I was getting kind of sweaty; that's why I needed to take it off my arm). Perhaps it was Spike Dudley. I just can't remember. I was having a lot to drink that night, and all I know is someone had my watch, and when I regained consciousness, it was gone. Bam! Just like that. Have you ever had a favorite watch taken away from you? Not me. It has been quite an ordeal. I bought one from the Jeb Tennyson Lund store in Chicago, but it's just not the same thing. I feel naked without it (Pun NOT intended!). Anyways, thank you for responding to my message. It's people like you that make me remember why I am a fan of WWE. I appreciate your time and patience helping me out in my hour of need. Peace, out, Canadian Bulldog Dear Gerry Michael Capetto, Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). I sang the national anthem once before a taping of WCW Worldwide. Everyone's talking about the fact that there should be a SECOND WCW invasion angle, but I think the "real money" is in the following gimmick: Hear me out for this scenario. One week during Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw, YOU show up and take the mike away from Lillith Garcia. All you say is "We're taking over!". Then JR starts shouting "What the hell is he talking about? What is Michael Gary Capetta talking about?" to end the show. The next week, you do a "run in" during a Takajiri-Rhino match and you bring with you... JIMMY SNUKA JUNIOR!!! The crowd goes nuts. At this point, they realize it's not a WCW invasion after all. You probably know what's coming next: Rena Mero, Roddy Piper, Jim E. Hart, Hail, the Nasty Boys, Curt Hennig: every week, a different XWF star comes out to cause a ruckus. Then we finally have the WWE-XWF angle that fans have been waiting for since 2001. What do you think? I'm quite certain you could persuade the Powers The Be (eg Vince MacMahon) that this would be a money angle. And you can have it for free. I'm just a fan who wants to see this get played out. Peace, out, Canadian Bulldog P.S. How did you learn to say things like "Here is .... LEX... LEWWWWWWWWW-GARRRRRR!" Did you have to go to ring announcing school or something? You are awesome!
Reply: Heya Bulldog . . . I don't think there would be much of a chance that Vinnie would listen to yours truly. Learn to say "Lex Luger"? What's so tough about saying a name? I'm stumped on that one. Gmc
Dear Hacksaw John Duggan, Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). I was talking to you backstage after the "Milton Memories" card here outside of Toronto a few years back... My question: I understand you are something of a health food fanatic, and - as luck would have it - I'm now in the nutritianal supplaments business! That's why I think my new product "Hacksaw Dugan's Granola SmackDown" would be perfect to be endorsed by someone like you!!! The product is all natural, low on carbs and all that shit. And best of all, some of the pieces of granola are in the shape of miniature 2 x 4's (well, kind of; they're just straight narrow pieces, but we can say 2 x 4's. Am I right?). We here at BulldogCorp. feel that you would be perfect for a product like this. Especially because we've already started printing the packages. Please let us know ASAP if you want to take part in this exciting, innovative marketing venture. Peace, out, Canadian Bulldog
Reply: Delivery to the following recipients failed. email@example.com
Dear George The Aminal Steel, Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). We met at a baseball card convention some years back. I have produced a very successful series of professional curling videos under the "XTreme Curling" brand. We're getting ready to produce Volume 4 ("No Primadonnas Allowed!") and we were wondering if you would host it? Don't worry; you don't have to have any previous knowledge of curling (I barely do, myself, and I'm getting rich, rich, rich off the whole deal!). All you'd have to say are things like "Mine!" and "How Now Brown Cow?" at random intervals throughout the disc. It will be a "bonus feature" on the DVD! So what do you think? While we're a little short in the payout department right now, I would allow you to choose two (2) Canadian Bulldog T-Shirts of your choosing. How can you go wrong? Let me know ASAP. Peace, out, Canadian Bulldog
Reply: Tell me more… Yours from the beach Jim (Myers, his real name)
Dear The Animal, THANK YOU for agreeing to work on our project! We were concerned we would have to go back to our second choice (Rev. Slick). How are things on the beach? Here's what will happen. Our camera crew will fly down to your house or apartment (or, if you prefer, we could do this on a beach). We would dress you up in a traditional curling outfit (helmet, kneepads, jersey, gloves, earmuffs, protective goggles, shield) and you would be filmed saying some of your outrageous catchphrases, such as "Mine!" and "Know Your Damn Role". Our test marketing shows that audiences aged 18-30 RELATE to you and the character you played in the WWF. That is why we feel this would be the best choice for our product. Our DVD's are currently marketed through Online Onslaught, as well as the Jeb Tennyson Lund stores throughout America (including nine in the Chicago area). Our fans have generally been waiting for a new release since 2002's XTreme Curling III: Citizens On Patrol. Most of the footage has already been shot (and plenty bloody, let me tell you!). We just need to do some of the cute voiceovers and vignettes. This is what your character would be used for. Please let us know ASAP when we can start preproduction on your part of the DVD. Peace, out, Canadian Bulldog
THE ULTIMATE PISSING CONTEST (Get comfy for this one…)
Dear Playguy Buddy Rose, Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). I used to be a HUGE fan in Portland back in the day; I was the Oregonian Bulldog at that time, though). I am now in the diet supplement business (and who isn't, since this Adkins stuff became all the rage?). But our new program, Carbzilla, ACTUALLY WORKS!!! We have test-marketed it on numerous subjects (mostly human) and our clients are losing 60 to 150 pounds in just SEVEN MONTHS!!! My question: would you be willing to appear in our infomercial? The thinking with our R&D folks is, you once PRETENDED to lose weight on the blow-away diet, so it would make for a natural connection to our viewers on television. People connect to you because they believe you have a weight problem. The thing is: you wouldn't have to lose ANY WEIGHT to appear in the infomercial. You don't even have to try this Carbzilla crap (I wouldn't recommend it until we get FDA approval, anyways). You just go on TV, say that you're feeling much better since you started taking the pills, and whenever someone tells you how much weight you've lost, you come up to them and say "Thanks for the compliment!!!" That's our official motto, so you can see the marketing genius at work here! Anyways, please let me know ASAP. One guy one our research board (Matt Hocking) is pulling for King Kong Bundy, but the rest of us want YOU in the infomercial! Peace, out, Canadian Bulldog
Reply: Bulldog, Thank you for asking. Buddy is known as the "Playboy" not the Playguy. You better go with Bundy if you can because Mr. Rose doesn't work for free and is doing very well making money with his personal appearances and Tapes and Pictures, not to mention the Wrestling School. His price is way out of your league my friends, and rightfully so because you did not make any kind of an offer. We can spot people like you who are trying to work others, and we know how to delete them from our interests. The Webmaster, Kurt
Dear Webmaster Kurt, Sorry about misspelling the name there. You'd be surprised at how often that happens with me! The infomercial offer is actually for a $400 fee (which is in Canadian dollars, so figure about $300 in U.S. dollars). Not too shabby, we don't think! We're paying Rick Scherer (one of the other celebrities in the commercial) only half of that fee. But I apologize -- sincerely apologize -- if you thought that I was trying to work Mr. Rose in any way. This is very much a "shoot", as plans are expanding rapidly to finish this project (pun NOT intended). But this was not meant to anger Mr. Rose. He is one of my favorite jobbers of all time. Peace, out, Canadian Bulldog
Reply (message was titled: "No Respect From You At All"): Please understand that 300 dollars is a joke to Mr. Rose. He makes much more for appearance fees. It would take a much better offer then the one I am reading from of this. Good luck with your project. The Webmaster, Kurt
Dear The Webmaster Kurt, I am sorry that the amount of $300 is a joke to Mr. Rose, but with all due respect, your message line "no respect from you at all" is quite offensive. Here I was thinking of YOUR client in his time of need, and you laugh at our company? We'll see who's laughing when Carbzilla or whatever the fuck it's called becomes the most incredible diet product EVER!!! Good day to you sir, and I thank you for the compliment, Canadian Bulldog
Reply (message now entitled 'Finacially Set For Life'): When you are finacially set, you can name your own price. Mr. Rose is able to name his own price. 300 dollars is for people who mark out for themselves like you. Keep your money, and if you need a "Loan", give us a call and we can help you if your credit is any good. $$$$$$$$ Mr. Rose is in the finacial position to be able to help people like that. The Webmaster, Kurt
Dear The Webmaster Kurt, Yes, I'm sure all those days jobbing to Marty Jannetty and Hercules must have made him a small fortune. But obviously he does have SOME money to burn – how else could he afford a webmaster to sit there 24-7 for a site that gets, what, 4 hits a year? Who visits the website? Besides Pretty Boy Doug Somers, that is. You are an insult, sir, to great webmasters such as Rick Scherer. Oops – didn't I already use his name in this phony storyline? Does it really matter? Lots of love, Canadian Bulldog P.S. It's spelled "financially", not "finacial". Idiot. Now, about that loan…
Reply (entitled 'RE: Financially Set For Life'): No Loan for you. You people are the ones who not only are looking for jobs, but are jobbers for anyone who will believe the joke you present. You wish you could be as lucky and knowledgable as Mr. Rose. At the last CAC Mr. Rose was playing 21 and he was betting 500 dollars a hand for hours. He had a great run and the best of Suites. Easy come, easy go. You guys wouldn't know what it's like to be able to walk into a Casino and have everything for free and bet 500 dollars a hand. Keep up your hopeful dreams, while Mr. Rose lives them every day of his life. The Webmaster, Kurt
Dearest Webmaster Kurt, One last question and then I'll shut up: Why do you keep making this guy sound like Ted DiBiase? Honestly, I'm happy he's cleaning up and the casinos and everything, but why do you continually feel the need to brag about it? Is this the wrestling story of the year? Should JBL start getting worried that there's another millionaire in town? Peace, out, B-Dawg
Reply: The point being that he is not in need of a small sum of 300 dollars. He gets so a lot more when he makes personal appearances, so he can pick and choose the ones he wants to do. You really under estimated what he gets, and with all due respect to all of you, good luck with your project. When you try to pitch an idea to a client to be, you are suppose to include where, what city or country, including the transportation, hotel, the usual business pitch, and you said nothing. When Mr. Rose does do personal appearances, we get a professional proposal and we say yes or no, depending on what and where it is, how many days, you know, the usual time frame what have you. This has nothing to do with other wrestlers gimmicks or the million dollar man gimmick. As you know Rose was one of the "first" way before these wrestlers to have the million dollar gimmick (Bulldog's note: HUH?), and he worked it like a true professional. He did make a lot of money over a few decades and still does. So next time you pitch a proposal, be prepared with the specifics and you just might be able to connect with someone for your project. Thank you again for asking. The Webmaster, Kurt
Dear Webmaster Kurt, I see. In that case… have you seen my Johnny ITR wristwatch?
That about does it for this week. What I may do with the dozens and dozens of unanswered letters I still have is start publishing them on my Canadian BullBLOG at one point; I haven't decided yet. I'll be back next week, and remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.
The Brian Kendrick e-mail and response is one of the funniest things I've read. Legit Laugh out Loud funny.
smark/net attack wienerville advisory is raised to YELLOW alert - Elevated (JBL is the new WWE champion, good gawd hide under the desk. But Benoit is World Champion allowing some safety in the IWC)- 6/28
I enjoy the satires much more than the original show! I love funny wrestling takes! Good work. Hey, question: Is Deacon Bautista a/k/a Leviathan's real name actually David Davidson? Because I have a friend named David Davidson...