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20.11.14 1509
The W - Pro Wrestling - the mighty mighty WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 7/1/2004!
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DEAN RASMUSSEN
He is DEAN








Since: 11.12.01
From: Richmond, Va, U-S-A!

Since last post: 1319 days
Last activity: 1317 days
#1 Posted on | Instant Rating: 9.85
It was surf and turf night so I'm filled to the gills with boiled shrimp. I am swilling down Keystone LIGHT! Their slogan is "Always Smooth." And who am I to argue? I mean, I don't care. I got twelve of them, a nice steak and you, the beloved reader. Let's why don't you and me sit right down and watch some really shitty wrestling. Shall we? All right.

WHAT WORKED-

- JBL is careful not to shake hands with just anyone. He has hand sanitizer and the cheap heat is fabulous. He will only kiss certain babies. America needs a champion? No. HEAVEN needed a champion..... Bunting made it classy. I feel a Buddy Landel Falls off The Wagon angle on the way when Eddy shows up.

- THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON:

Bill was trying to get his Tim Teufel jersey into his duffle bag. He is more bemused than angry. "I can't believe you fucked her. I didn't even get a chance to call dibs on her."

"You fucked up, mein fruende. Some zings are more important than your rock and roll and your beloved baseball. You left her in my care and sometimes... things develope. Unexpected things. She vus more zan I can actually share vith you."

"Oh fuck that. You snaked her from me, you will now tell me how responds when you come in spikes up."

"Oh, you are a cazanofah, young Bill. I'm sure you may have had better. I am not so lucky vif the ladies so I get happier over anyzing. Let's just say zat she vus the best I ever had."

"Better than Amanda? NO WAY!"

"Oh yes. Amanda vus a hurricane of love. She vus inZATiable. Susan is different."

"REALLY? Cause, you now I fucked Amanda a couple times after and while y'all were breaking up. She was motherfucker BOSS, chief. I'd still be tagging that if I could."

"Vell, Susan is different. Very fragile and emotive in her LOVE. It is more of a writhing, passionate love. Amanda vas more of a marathon."

"Fuck that. Amanda was the fucking Tour de France."

"Yes, she vuz more woman than any man could handle. I vish that I had actually loved her. I still have the scratch marks on mein back."

"No way. I thought I was tearing it up. She did that to everyone?"

"She did it to me. I don't want to talk to ze two dozen felons and bikers she fucked since we broke up."

"Oh well. Either way. Goddam."

- Charles Robinson is in an angle! It can only point to a Nitro Flashback where he dives 20 feet in the air lands completely wrong on his shoulder for our pleasure. JBL comes out and tells Rey Rey that he loves those people in beautiful homage to Ross Perot addressing the NAACP that time.

- Rey Rey wrestles. It's Mordecai. Hmm. I guess Kenzo Suzuki versus Rey Rey will have to wait a week. Rey Rey sells Mordecai's Okay Better Than Bryan Adams-level power offense. Rey Rey's punches are 400% better looking than Mordecai's. Mordecai blows a couple of spots and then does the job? WHAAAA? I welcome you to the Val Venis Realm of midcard jabronie, young Mordecai.

- Ah sweet MicroTouch. You DO remove unsightly ear hair with just a touch! Powerful for the tough stuff! But gentle enough for the most sensitive areas (then show the beloved MicroTouch going South of ^The Border- perhaps to carve out a Dale Earnhart "3" commemorative pubic area.) We pledge our love to you, MicroTouch.

- Sable and Torrie come out and wrestle. Torrie is sporting the lime green outfit that matches the lime green festering loads that a nation of 45 year old virgins toast over their Cerebus Collector Guides onto their Elfquest fingurines. Match was pretty good actually. Considering. Except Charles Robinson didn't die for our pleasure. OH WAIT! Angle comes out and says, "SOMEBODY dies tonight!" Robinson says, "Fuck yeah, BRING IT ON!" I don't know if Luther Reigns can actually throw Robinson high enough to make Robinson happy. We return and Charles Robinson kills time until he can.. CHARLIE HAAS? What the fuck? Oh well. We'll always have the late 90s.....

WHAT DIDN'T WORK-

- RVD and Booker T and the WANG! Booker T throws decent punches in the corner. Dupre throws REALLY shitty punches. RVD is best looking in this match and he doesn't look that good. Booker bumps to the floor and they set up a shitty Van Daminator and my hatred is complete. Dupre bumps like a fucking psycho over the top rope and I feel love. And we go to a commercial. CRZ's fantasy hair is mad at me. It's pouty and wants to punish me. I caress it and make that "What's the matter, pookieboo?" face and the hair is happy again and smiling at me as it elbows me in the ribs. It then lathers up with a heapin helpin of Pert and it seductively pours a jug of spring water over itself and it reacts to the coldness and we both laugh and fall to the tall grass as I.... Dupree hits a perfectly fine fistdrop and Renee is the best thing in this match. Then they do stupid 3-way dance crap. Dupree brings it back by COMPLETELY unleashing the WANG. They set RVD headfirst into the chair for TWO? They do a bunch of nearfalls. Booker T wins in actually compelling way. This deeply needs Chris Benoit, Perry Saturn, Fit Finlay and Rick Martel. Nope nope nope and nope.

- PAUL BEARER IS HURT! Cole and Tazz are fucking hilarious trying to sell this as some sort of SHOOT ANGLE!~! Paul Heyman comes out and they do a really long batch festering dogshit about Paul Bearer and the MUGAtaker. I used this time to pee. I went and got a beer. I talked to my wife about maybe making more Medditerenean stuff because we haven't had hummus in a while. I check on the boy and he was asleep. He actually watched a few minutes of Smackdown before he went to bed and I promised him that we would watch the NOAH tape that Tim Noel gave me so he would be raised right.

- Warm Sensations Trojans? THAT WARM SENSATION IS YOUR BRAND NEW GENITAL HERPES WHEN THE MOTHERFUCKER BREAKS IN THE MIDDLE OF hot spurty LOVE! Don't be a fool, my tender youthful charged up lovemachine. Get a Sheik Elite.

- I want to throw lit cigarettes at the hair of the guy in the Crazy World anti-smoking ads until his hair actually catches on fire. THEN! I would be a HERO as I pee on his head to put it out. I don't want him to die. I just want him to NEED my PEE. Yes. My pee....

- Spyke ACTS! All the Dudleys ACT! Is there really a question about why Spyke was picked? Maybe this is some kind of SWERVE! Oh who gives a fuck. LATER ON. The match. They comically bring up the Rey Rey match. Spyke is overpowered. Spyke is punched in the face. Spyke gets a weak flurry of offense. JBL beats on him a bit. Spyke with a shitty flurry. Nice elbow drop by JBL and I wait for this shit to end. Nice nearfall on the acid drop. Second lariat was the best. EDDY COMES OUT! Perfectly fine considering the booking idea but not actually good. HEY, A CAGE MATCH! I'd be into that- considering what a couple of blade freaks these two are. Eh, still not enough.

- Kenzo Suzuki. The Natron Means shirt was nice. Cena accuses Hiroki of being a cum-guzzling whore and it's fun. See back in the 70s, this would have lead up to David Carridine beating the fuck out of the peckerwood in slow motion. We live in shittier times now, it seems- making fun of the foreigner on tv-wise.

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

DEAN RASMUSSEN.




YES, I AM DEAN.
Promote this thread!
drjayphd
Scrapple
Moderator








Since: 22.4.02
From: Long Island

Since last post: 14 days
Last activity: 1 day
AIM:  
ICQ:  
Y!:
#2 Posted on | Instant Rating: 6.61
You wanted the best, you got... Out of Context Quote of the Week.

"I will blow your ass out." (drjayphd)


Ladies and gentlemen, after conferring with the judges, we do indeed have a new Nugget of Wisdom. About time for that, too. Now we gotta get you writing MicroTouch ads.



DEAN's Nuggets of Wisdom:

"I don't want him to die. I just want him to NEED my PEE." (as seen here)
Spaceman Spiff
Knackwurst








Since: 2.1.02
From: Philly Suburbs

Since last post: 37 days
Last activity: 3 hours
AIM:  
#3 Posted on | Instant Rating: 4.05
Tim Teufel!

"There's a name I have not heard, since, oh, before you were born."



Matt Tracker
Scrapple








Since: 8.5.03
From: North Carolina

Since last post: 2 days
Last activity: 3 min.
#4 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.84
Dean, you must be made aware that there is now a female MicroTouch called the BikiniTouch. Same device except it has a hot pink shell and comes with a trimmer attachment for the Area You Otherwise Would Wax. I seen the TV ads fer it with my own two eyes.



"To be the man, you gotta beat demands." -- The Lovely Mrs. Tracker
Phantom Lord
Salami








Since: 18.6.04
From: The Bensonhurst section of Brooklyn, NY

Since last post: 3254 days
Last activity: 3050 days
AIM:  
#5 Posted on | Instant Rating: 1.15
I have a feeling watching a chick groom the old snatchola would of been much more interesting then Cena's promo.

Does he have a scat fetish? This is the second time in a couple of weeks where his promo was about the other guy taking a shit.

The "she gets her face painted white every night" line was great though.

I'm surrprised that was allowed on televison.



"If you want sumpin' a little stronger, homes, you gotta sip on some Mexican water. It's a little cloudy, and has an odd smell that makes you think it's not really for human consumption. But HOOOOOOOOOOOO-EEEEEEY! What a kick! Arriba~!"-LOP Board Member Uncle Eddy
Freeway
Scrapple








Since: 3.1.02
From: Calgary

Since last post: 333 days
Last activity: 21 days
#6 Posted on | Instant Rating: 6.24
When John Cena was a heel, his angry promos were compared to Stone Cold's at his peak. When Austin went face, though, he never lost his "Fuck y'all" attitude. That's why Austin rocked. He never kissed ass. Cena, on the other hand...



CALGARY FLAMES: Your 2004 Western Conference Champions
DVDs I Own
Leviathan
Cotto








Since: 20.5.04

Since last post: 3587 days
Last activity: 3587 days
#7 Posted on | Instant Rating: 2.94
    Originally posted by Freeway420
    When John Cena was a heel, his angry promos were compared to Stone Cold's at his peak. When Austin went face, though, he never lost his "Fuck y'all" attitude. That's why Austin rocked. He never kissed ass. Cena, on the other hand...


Yeah, he's definitely lost his 'edge' since he turned. Although he's still very much over as a face, one wonders if he'll start losing the crowd unless he starts showing more 'attitude' again. Also, it wouldn't hurt to have him involved in a substantive, long-running fued for a change.
DEAN RASMUSSEN
He is DEAN








Since: 11.12.01
From: Richmond, Va, U-S-A!

Since last post: 1319 days
Last activity: 1317 days
#8 Posted on | Instant Rating: 9.85
    Originally posted by Matt Tracker
    Dean, you must be made aware that there is now a female MicroTouch called the BikiniTouch. Same device except it has a hot pink shell and comes with a trimmer attachment for the Area You Otherwise Would Wax. I seen the TV ads fer it with my own two eyes.


That is so the greatest name for anything ever. You aren't just toying with me, are you?



YES, I AM DEAN.
Torchslasher
Knackwurst








Since: 17.1.02
From: New F'n Jersey

Since last post: 19 days
Last activity: 6 hours
#9 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.75
See just when I think that you have really worn out the jokes for CRZ's hair and for the MicroTouch, you come through with the hair nudging you in the ribs and the Dale E. joke.

God Damn you rule. I would almost accept your pee willingly, if it were not for your less than CRZ hair.



Joe Wilson (looking at Interocitor manual)- Hey, here's something my wife could use in the house...
Crow T. Robot- A man?
Joe Wilson- An interocitor incorporating an electron sorter.
Cal Meechum- Oh, she'd probably gain 20 pounds while it did all the work for her.
Tom Servo- Cal, you bitch!

MST3K: The Movie
3Is
Haggis








Since: 26.4.03
From: Chiba, Japan

Since last post: 3291 days
Last activity: 2117 days
#10 Posted on | Instant Rating: 0.49
I missed the first bit of the show.

Did PB really come out, or is that bullshit?



"We all know what flies are attracted to." -KA
Peter The Hegemon
Lap cheong








Since: 11.2.03
From: Hackettstown, NJ

Since last post: 4 days
Last activity: 7 min.
#11 Posted on | Instant Rating: 6.07
3ls, Paul Bearer didn't come out, and Dean didn't SAY he came out, he said Paul Heymann came out and talked about him. They did, however, establish that for storyline purposes Mr. Bearer is non-dead (as opposed to un-dead).

Hey, Tim Tuefel could RAP! Well, better than Daryl Strawberry, anyway.

I'm Tim Teufel, lemme begin
by saying I was once a Twin
I made the move and it feels just right
I've been Metsmerized and I see the light.

http://www.darrylstrawberry.org/lyrics2.html

(Most delightfully ghastly rap record ever! Makes "The Super Bowl Shuffle" look like Run-DMC.)
asteroidboy
Andouille








Since: 22.1.02
From: Texas

Since last post: 1457 days
Last activity: 365 days
#12 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.06
    Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
    RVD is best looking in this match and he doesn't look that good.


For some reason, it pains me that you hate RVD. Maybe it's because I love you both so....

    Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
    We live in shittier times now


We suuuuure do.



-- Asteroid Boy


Wiener of the day: 23.7.02, 3.12.03

"In addition, my tickets weren’t really what you’d expect from the webmaster of the internet’s largest independent pro-wrestling website." - Widro

"My brother saw the Undertaker walking through an airport." - Rex
"Was he no-selling?" - Me


Matt Tracker
Scrapple








Since: 8.5.03
From: North Carolina

Since last post: 2 days
Last activity: 3 min.
#13 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.84
    Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN
    That is so the greatest name for anything ever. You aren't just toying with me, are you?


I never toy with drunk men, Dean. It's just a little rule of mine.

Behold: BikiniTouch.com!



"To be the man, you gotta beat demands." -- The Lovely Mrs. Tracker
DEAN RASMUSSEN
He is DEAN








Since: 11.12.01
From: Richmond, Va, U-S-A!

Since last post: 1319 days
Last activity: 1317 days
#14 Posted on | Instant Rating: 9.85
BRIDE OF MICROTOUCH would be the only POSSIBLE better name.



YES, I AM DEAN.
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Just a personal note but i think the last couple weeks of raw have been outstanding...and so does basically everyone else i have talked to who i know who watch it...
- ilovemidgets, Raw Boycott Status Update (2003)
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