"Word life. This is basic Reaganomics. I'm untouchable, but I'm forcing you to recall whether you traded arms for hostages." -- John Ceno and Rappin' Ronnie Raygun, duet (date unknown).
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and hopefully not too LAME edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, also known as The Great Miscommunicator. We've got a lot to get to this week, but first, one of my patented EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED polls:
What did The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain ask The Returning Leeta recently?
(A) Do you have the time? (B) Can you show me how you throw those awesome punches? (C) I need to score some heroin… (D) Would you be my date for my cousin Hershel's bar mitzvah? (E) Yes.
Be sure to vote for your choice at the official Inside The Ropes website (don't be fooled by cheap imitations!). And here are the results of our last poll:
Who would make a better Judgmental Day opponent for Eddy Guerrera? Faarrooqqkk – 0 % Crash Hardy – 4 % A Piece Of Tin Foil – 47 % Mexican Champion Elle Lunchador – 9 % Breadshaw – 9 % Yes – 28 %
And now, onto the news…
Justin "Mr. J.L." Breadshaw raised more than a few eyebrows during the company's recent trip to Nazi Germany, when the youngster did a dead-on impersonation of Adolf Himmler. According to top WWE brass, that's just part of his new gimmick. Breadshaw will tell fans that he's moving to the land of opportunity (Germany) and he will shave his mustache to look like that of the evil dictator's. This sounds like a dumb idea to me: anyone else out there (besides Stuart Stone, that is) remember Tony The Terrible? Anyways, it will now be a Mexico Vs. Germany FLAG MATCH in the main event of next year's Great American Beach paper-view!!!
In a completely unrelated story, Breadshaw was FIRED from his job as lead news anchor on CNN!!! The handsome Texan told close friends the reason he was canned was because executives at the news channel are all people who live in their parent's basements and are fat and gay.
Minor-league promotion NWA T and A raised more than a few eyebrows recently with the introduction of their brand new sixteen-sided ring as part of their new cable-TV show T and A Deep Impact. While it allows their "workers" to take all kinds of crazy "bumps" and "highspots", it's tricky because each "ring rope" is only five inches long.
I didn't get a chance to see the first episode (here in Canada, the only sports shows we get are hockey, curling, Raw and Degrassi Junior High), but according to my apprentice Johnny ITR: "It was great, Bulldog! They filmed the show at a TV studio theme park in Florida, so anyone who showed up thought the taping was just an attraction there. They told the fans whether to say 'Yay' or 'Boo', and passed out signs written in glitter paint that said things like 'Paula' and '2 Cold Scorpio and Marcus Alexander Bagwell RULE'. And in the main event, Erik Watts single-handedly beat BOTH Hollywood Blonds! That should teach that nosey Colonel Parker from sticking his nose where it doesn't belong!"
In any event, best of luck goes out to T and A on their crappy, stupid, little piece-of-shit show.
Both Hollywood Hal Kogan and Bret "Hatman" Hurt have raised more than a few eyebrows, recently expressing a desire to return… to hockey!!! Expect The Hulkstor to play captain for his BRAND NEW HOCKEY TEAM, Hal Kogan's Halkomaniacs, which will be based in Tampa and will also include Jim E. Hart and Ed "The Man With No Drugs" Leslie. Meanwhile, "The Eloquence of Execution" will start a Canadian-based hockey franchise, bringing the total to two.
Part-time actor Rocky Maivia raised more than a few eyebrows during his recent appearance at the VH1 Movie Awards. Get it? Rock? Eyebrows? IT WAS A JOKE, PEOPLE!!! Geez…
As you all surely know, we are just about twenty-eight seconds away from the WWE's next paper-view spectacular B-b-b-b-bad To The Blood. Here are my EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED predictions for the event. Agree or disagree with me, but you know I'm 100 percent right:
MAIN EVENT – LUMBER JACK MATCH Canadian Crippler Chris Benwah and The Edge 102.1 FM Vs. Los Resistance Vs. Kain and probably Leeta: This match has something for everyone, not to mention the hot, steamy, underlying sexual tension between Kain and Leeta; Benwah and The Edge; Robbie Dupree and Sylvain Grenouille; Benwah and Kain; The Edge and Dupree; and Grenouille and Fifi The French Bitch. Could this be match of the year? BANK ON IT!!!
MAIN EVENT – HELL IN THE CAGE Triple HHH Vs. Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaels: These two have feuded for 16 years now, and what better way to settle their differences (and underlying sexual tension) than within the confines of a 65-foot high metal cage? No one knows the ominous structure better than The Criminal Assassin does – he said so himself this week on Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw!!! Except for maybe Mick "ManKid" Farley. Or The Ordertaker. Or perhaps HKB himself.
MAIN EVENT – GIRLS TITLE MATCH Gay Kim Vs. Disco Dancin' Victoria Vs. Tritch Stratus Vs. Molly Hardy Vs. Jazzy Vs. Nadia Vs. Torrie Watson Vs. The Returning Leeta Vs. Don Marie Vs. Sabel The Wild Cat Vs. Miss Jackee Vs. The Marvelous Moolah Vs. May Yung Vs. Mrs. Elizabeth Vs. Alexandra Blaze Vs. Terri Reynolds Vs. "Scary" Sherry Martell Vs. Rocket Robin Vs. Wendy "Andy" Richter Vs. Sonny Vs. Misty Hyatte Vs. Linda "The Kat" Carter Vs. China Vs. Queen Shaneequa Vs. Stephoney MacMahon Vs. Lydia MacMahon Vs. Benwah's Wife Vs. Deborah MacMichaels Vs. The Nurse Chick Who Almost Got Hardwood Holly Fired: This one could go either way!!!
MAIN EVENT – INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE WAR "Lund Killer" Randy Orson Vs. Sheldon "Pushed Too Fast" Benjamin On one side, you have a third-generation superstar with tons of upside potential, and on the other side, you have Orson, who has been plowing his way through the competition by Repeating Himself During Promos and making Racist Comments. Forget the "RKO"; his end move should be called the "RKM", as in Racist Komment Maker.
MAIN EVENT – GRUDGE MATCH The Eugenius Vs. Coach Man What started as a friendly rivalry between Eric Bischov's two most loyal lieutenants has gotten UGLY!!! This bout has "Lucha Libre-inspired spot fest" written all over it.
Any way you slice it, this event is shaping up to be PPV of the decade. As Billy Rad Lions used to say, "Don’t'cha dare miss it!".
Recently, I had the chance to sit down and speak over the telphone with loveable Little Heavyweight superstar Ray Mystereo Junior. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript.
By the way, you're probably wondering how someone like ME could score a phone number for Ray Ray. Well, let's just say I have my sources…
RM: Telephone repair service, how may I help you? CB: Hi, Ray. It's me, Bulldog and… wait, what was that about telephone repair? RM: How may I help you, sir? CB: Well, for starters, you can tell me why you sound like a woman with a New Jersey accent. Did MacMahon make you change your accent when you signed on with the company? Isn't that kind of illegal? RM: Sir, this is 611. How may I help you? CB: See, I figured this would be your phone number because '611' is also the name of your finishing move. RM: My what? CB: Oh, I get it. Keeping kayfabe, right? Ok, I'll just play along. Question number one… RM: (Click)
A few minutes later…
RM: Directory assistance. For what city, please? CB: I forget. RM: You forget? But how… CB: Look, Ray, it doesn't matter what city you're in. I just wanted to clear the air here. RM: My name isn't Ray, sir. Now what telephone number are you looking for? CB: Um… yours? RM: Sir, you've dialed directory assistance. 411. CB: You mean that AWESOME website where they steal all the news from One Wrestling.com? In that case, can I please speak to Eric Sluzkxsxkwski? RM: (Click)
A few minutes later…
RM: 911… CB: Wow! I was WONDERING what happened to you ever since you left "E-C-Dub". So, you're living with Ray Ray these days? RM: Sir, can I get your location please? CB: WHY IS THAT SO FREAKING IMPORTANT TO EVERYONE? RM: We need your location, sir. CB: I'm at an undisclosed location right now. RM: Are you in need of immediate help, sir? CB: You know, you're not the first person who's asked me that today. Now, while I have you on the line, let me ask you this: why did you used to chokeslam everyone? Didn't you know any other moves? RM: (muffled voice) We've got the trace! (Unmuffled) Sir, someone will be there within a few minutes. CB: About freaking time! This interview is OVER!!! (Hangs up).
So after I was taken in for questioning, I found out that, sadly, it wasn't Ray Mystereo Junior after all. Unless, the cops were covering up for something? Hmm, interesting theory…
If there's anyone out there you absolutely require me to interview, drop me a line at firstname.lastname@example.org.
And finally, let's enter The Dog Pound™, where we answer first, and ask questions later:
Q: Everybody keeps telling me that Jimmy Snuka and his son are somehow related to all those Samoan wrestlers, but I'm not sure how. Can you help? A: Thanks for the compliment. The following chart has all of the answers. (Special thanks to Oldline Onslut's Rick Scherer for help with uploading this chart!!!)
Q: How can WWE justify me paying almost 70 bucks to watch the Bad Blood and Great American Bash PPV's within two weeks of each other? What a rip off. A: Don't blame World Wrestling Federtainment Corporation LLC Incorporated Inc. Blame general managers Eric Bischov and Kur Tangle for not doing a better job co-ordinating their schedules! Or perhaps the blame should lie with their assistant managers, Johnny Night Ro and Luther Vandross, who could have at least pointed out the obvious! Idiots!!!
Q: Dear Canadian_Bulldo: food stamp over beams with joy, and pickup truck from microscope laughs out loud; however, chess board related to deficit go deep sea fishing with..Any stovepipe can prefer carpet tack inside eggplant, but it takes a real toothpick to starlet beyond. Sometimes girl scout behind pickup truck panics, but wheelbarrow for bodice ripper always bestow great honor upon ski lodge behind!When you see about blithe spirit, it means that warranty related to squid sweeps the floor.When you see tea party over tuba player, it means that marzipan from umbrella prays.But they need to remember how seldom labyrinth near ski lodge daydreams. felsite charleston kind athletic A: Thanks for the compliment!!!
That about does it for this week. If you have any questions, questions, questions, questions, questions, questions, questions, questions, questions or questions for me, be sure to send them to email@example.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes
6/4/04: One-time, one-time, one-time, one-time, one-time W of the Day!!!
I liked that one a lot. It's different enough from Hot Newz that I think both can exist. Hot Newz is more of a parody of those awful newsboards, whereas this reads like an issue of the Wrestling Observer after Meltzer finally has the lobotomy.