"Lllllllllllet's get ready… to eat Rumballlllllllllllllllllls!" -- Michael "Buffer" Bagwell, Monday Night Ro, 1997
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, better known to many as Peanut Head. We've got a ton to get to this week (pun not intended!!!), but first, a quick confession:
As many of you know by now, I recently spent some time away from The WWW.com, and it wasn't because of the usual restraining-order-from-CRZ-stuff.
The truth is, I voluntarily spent some time at the Betsy Ford Clinic because of an ongoing addiction to the Y J Stinger energy drink.
Have I fully recovered? As Balkie used to say on Perfect Neighbors: "Well, of course not, don't be rideek-ooo-luss, coo-ssen Larry." I have my good days and I have my bad days. Sure, at parties, I'll do the odd 'Sinful Citrus,' but I realize I'm not burning any fat doing it. And I'll fully admit I've woken up in a cold sweat once or twice because I desperately need to FEEL THE STING!!! But I'm slowly getting back on the wagon…
Before we get things started, a quick poll:
Who would make a better opponent for Eddy Guerrera this weekend?
(A) Faarookkqq (B) Crash Hardy (C) The piece of Tin Foil I wrapped my sandwich in today (D) Mexican Champion Elle Lunchador (E) Breadshaw (F) Yes
(A) Farley is Big (And The Real World Is Better Than Stupid Fake Wrestling) – Mick Farley (with a foreword by Cactus Jerk) – 14 % (B) Quick, Buy This Book Before I Die! -- The autobiography of Classy "Freddy" Blassie – 0 % (C) I Just Can't Wait To Be King… Sometimes -- Jerry "The King" Lawyer – 7 % (D) People I Had Sex With -- Misty Hyatt – 21 % (E) Canadian Bulldog's Big Book of Automobile Safety and Random Bible Passages – 42 % (F) Yes – 14 %
And now, onto the news…
As you know unless you're a bunch of fools (and you probably are), the WWE's next paper-view spectacular Judgmental Day is just four minutes away. I hate to be making BOLD PREDICTIONS of this nature, but I think we can all agree that this is shaping up to be the single greatest event EVER in the history of our great sport.
With that in mind, how about one of my patented EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED previews?
MAIN EVENT Eddie "Latin Heat" Guerrera Vs. Justin "Mr. JL" Breadshaw Caribbean Strap Match
First, Guerrera stole Breadshaw's hat and pissed in it. Then, Breadshaw accidentally killed Mama Guerrera with his patented Clothesline of Doom. And then, things got personal.
Who will win this match? The fans, because this one has 'technical give and take classic' written all over it. Bank on it!!!
CO-MAIN EVENT The Classic Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To (with Paul Burier) Vs. Bookie T Flag Match
Everyone thought that the five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time WCW champion was going to turn into a zombie because the bookers (pun fully intended!) were going in that direction with his character. But then, fate dealt him a cruel hand. One night, the youngster from Harlem was visiting the graveyard where Ordertaker lives when A HAND POPPED OUT (true story)! Everyone assumed it was The Dead Guy, but it was actually recently-deceased superstar Pepper Gomes, and they just forgot to bury him properly. Oops!
CO-CO-MAIN EVENT "Rapmaster" John Ceno (with Torrie Watson) Vs. Robbie DuPree (with Don Marie) Loser has to clean up the dog crap of Fifi The French Bitch
This one started innocently enough when Tori accidentally helped The Best Show kill Kur Tangle. Then, all hell broke loose when the ladies got involved. This one has the makings of being the best match on this show – and that's saying something!!!
CO-CO-CO-MAIN EVENT Ricola (with Miss Jackee) and Charlie Horse Vs. The Dudley (with Paul Herman) Lumberjack Battle Royale
In just a few weeks as a tag team combo, The World's Gayest Tag Team have proven to as talented as they are HILARIOUS!!! But now they're going to be in the ring with D-Lo and Spike TV Dudley, all bets are off. Look for the team of to come out on top.
CO-CO-CO-CO-MAIN EVENT Chavita Guerrera Junior (with his father Jose Lothario) Vs. Jackalen Buried Alive Match
Jacakalen shocked the world by winning the Little Heavyweight Title on Smack! Down last week, and the match didn’t even take place in Texas!!! Can she pull it off again? Without a doubt. Unless she loses.
KO-KO-KO-KO-KO-B. WARE Mmmmm yeahhh… Birdman!! "Aawwk" And Frankie's here too! Mmmmm yeahhh…
CO-CO-CO-CO-CO-CO MAIN EVENT Ray Misterero Junior Vs. "Mr. Boring PPV" Rod Van-Damme Vs. The Full-Bodied Italians Vs. Big Ass Barry Gunn Vs. Mark Gingerale Vs. Too Phat Vs. Jimmy Nobel Vs. The Allllllll-timate Dragon Vs. The Bash 'Em Brothers Vs. Assorted Others Gauntlet Match This one could go either way!!!
Now that we've got that crap exciting card is out of the way… I have some big news to share with you all. I've hired me an apprentice!!!
Longtime readers of this column may know about my top source TotalBS. Well, he's now the newest employee of Bulldog Enterprises (a division of Mobile Global E-Solutions.com Inc.). And to reflect his new role as my apprentice, we've changed his name to Johnny ITR!!!
Johnny ITR will be covering the "B" shows for me (Velocity, Metal, Jakked, Smack! Down) while digging up some dirt. So without further ado, here's the brand-new…
Total BS Report by Johnny ITR
With springtime just around the corner, a young wrestler's thoughts turn to love. Look for The Returning Leeta to admit next week that she's really in love with The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain. Come on, people; you can see it written all over their faces. Like Chris Benwah, their love is FOR REAL!!! SCOOP! Ricky Flare is set to hang up his tights. It seems as if they've been crumpled up on his floor for the past thirty years. They don't really smell, though, because Triple HHH spits Febreeze on them every evening. Chavita Guerrera Senior will never win the big one! I GARE-UN-TEE IT! Mentally Challenged (Bulldog's note: I think the politically correct term is 'Insane') wrestler Yu Gene will have his second match next week, after making quick work of the team of Los Resistance and Lord William Royal. Billed "Maze in a Cage," he will try to beat Charley Gordon and Algernon in a winner-take-all match for CHEESE! Whatever the outcome, they'll all take home medals, just like at the Special Goodwill Games! Will these all come to pass? YOU BET YOUR SWEET BIPPY!!! And if you don't believe that, it's...Total BS.
Good work, kid. If you keep up the good work, say your prayers, take your vitamins, train real hard... and, buy me a Y J Stinger, who knows where your career will end up? Certainly better than Raw Parody columnist Matt Horking, that much I'll guarantee you.
This just in! Molly Hardy is actually wearing a wig!!! True story!!!
Is it just me, or is Michael Coal on his way to becoming the best announcer EVER? Not since the days of the Craig DaGeorge and Lord Alfred Haynes commentary team have I been this excited about another man's voice.
Er, I mean… well, I just was getting at… actually, I meant what I said. Deal with it!!!
Good news, folks! Brian Lawyer, who often wrestled as Grandmaster Sexy, has returned to World Wrestling Federtainment Corporation Limited Incorporated LLC. The real-life son of Jerry "The King" Lawyer and Linda "The Cat" Carter will make a huge impact on Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw.
DB: Good morning, Denny's. How may I help you? CB: Thanks for the compliment. Question number one: Why are you stealing The Rick away from us? DB: Why am I… what? CB: DON'T DUCK THE QUESTION, BASTARD!!! DB: Uh… sorry? CB: No need to apologize. Question number two: Aren't there enough wrestling sites out there? DB: I don't know what you're… CB: Why does Lordsofpain.net have to suffer because you want a bigger piece of the pie? Did you ever stop to think about the kids at Lords of Pain? WHAT ABOUT THE LORDS OF FUCKING PAIN? DB: What are you calling about, guy? The Grand Slam Special? CB: Who writes that column? DB: What column? CB: Oh, secrecy… That's your game, is it? DB: No! I swear! JITR: Boss, I think that's a breakfast special… DB: Who the hell is that? CB: That's my apprentice, Johnny ITR. DB: Why did I even bothering answering the phone? JITR: Boss, I think you've called a restaurant. And a bad one at that. DB: Hey! CB: DON'T INTERRUPT ME WHILE I'M TALKING TO THE OWNER OF WRESTLELAND!!! JITR: Sorry. DB: Sorry. CB: Not you! JITR: Not me? CB: No, I'm talking to that assclown on the phone! DB: Hey! JITR: Sorry, boss. DB: Me? CB: No!!! Stupid assclown!!! DB: (hangs up) CB: That's great. Just great! Some apprentice you're turning out to be. JITR: Sorry, boss. CB: No go fetch me some Y J Stinger. JITR: You told me not to let you give in because of your addiction to ephedra-free energy drinks. CB: That's it. This interview is OVER!!! (hangs up)
If there's anyone out there you want me to interview, drop me a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. Oh, and you can e-mail Johnny at email@example.com. What would our world be like without Hotmail?
Finally, let's get to The Dog Pound™, an opportunity for the unwashed masses to get their letters published in an award-winning column.
Q: What do you think the buyrate will be like for Judgment Day? A: According to my local cable operator, $29.99.
Q: What can you tell me about me Eugene? A: Thanks for the compliment!!! According to the WWE website, Eugene's "catch-phrase, 'Hello Ladies' has made him a fan favorite. The former movie star—well, adult movie star—is a WWE veteran known as much for is action in the ring as he is known for his antics outside of it. In 1998, the culmination of his rivalry with Yamaguchisan where he nearly lost his privates after stealing the heart of Mrs. Yamaguchisan (only to be saved by none other than John Wayne Bobbit) was voted one of the most memorable moments in RAW history. The only thing that Val Eugene loves more than a tryst with a lovely lady is a victory in the ring and his success between the ropes is a credit to a blend of power and athleticism that makes Val Eugene a contender for the Intercontinental Championship. His wrestling skills and lady killer persona make him a fan favorite…when Eugene is around, something entertaining is bound to happen!"
Q: Boss, I think you have the wrong bio, there. A: (Slaps Johnny ITR) QUIET!!! GO TO YOUR ROOM! Q: Sorry boss. Thanks for the … complaint? A: COMPLIMENT! THANKS FOR THE COMPLIMENT!!! GET IT RIGHT! (Slaps him again).
That's about for this week. If you have any questions, suggestions, harsh criticisms or if you just want to send in your resume to replace my apprentice, e-mail me at Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.
I don't want to sound too much like a smart-ass, but really, how did you find out that Vince McMahon tells his wrestlers to "re-sculpt their bodies"? Is this in an interview somewhere? Were you having a conversation with Vince?