"Have a great day!" -- Mick Farley, a/k/a Mankid, 1997
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes, often referred to as the thinking man's wrestling column. I'm Canadian Bulldog. We've got a lot to get to this week, so let's get right to it. But first, a quick trivia question:
Which WWE superstar™ considers themselves to be an Olympic gold medallist?
(A) Hillbilly John (B) Steve 'Mongoose' McMichaels (C) All of the above
Answer at the end of this column!!!
Chances are that, by now, all of you have caught Wrestle Mania Fever (or SARS, both are pretty contagious)!!! As we prepare for the Road To Wrestle Mania™, it looks as if there will be some trades between the Monday Night Raw, Smack! Down and SUndAy niGhT heAT brands.
Here are a few of the obvious ones: First, Canadian Crippler Christ Benwah will jump ship to Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw. Then, Goldenberg will jump ship to Smack! Down. You can expect The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain™ to be shipped south in exchange for Big Evil The Under Taker. From there, Bischov will trade Ricola and Miss Jackée to Smack! Down in exchange for Ernest 'The Kat' Carter and a player to be named later. Then, you'll see Revolution, The Christian and Sucker T traded for Brock Lesnor, a Train and Tritch Stratus™. In a tag team trade, we'll see Los Resistance members Tim Conway and Robbie Dupree to Smack! Down™ in exchange for Eddy Guerrera and Chavito Guerrera Senior. Raw fans, say goodbye to Chris Benwah and say hello to The Best Show.
I'm sure I'm not even covering all of them, though. Stay tuned!!!
The hot rumor going around right now is that Y J Stinger and Tritch Stratus want to be 'more than friends', if you catch my drift. According to reliable sources, they also want to be tag team partners!!! The sight of this must have the team of The World's Nicest Man Matt Henry and Jazzy shaking in their respective boots.
The wrestling world™ lost one a true legend last week when former WWWF President and fellow Canadian Jack Tunneigh died at the age of 60 or something.
Tunneigh was best known for making dumb decisions, such as banning Jack 'The Snake' Robards's DDT, and being hit by a chair by Ricky Flare at Thursday In Texas. He'll be missed.
The latest rumor making the rounds is that Hollywood Hal Kogan will be jumping ship to WWE in time for Wrestle Mania XXX. Who will he face? Does the name Deacon Batista mean anything?
I'm often asked by my fans what I think the best wrestling movie of all time is. With so many to choose from, I couldn't narrow it down to just one. So here are my top five:
· No Holds Bar: The Match, The Movie (1989): In this heroic story, a young Hal Kogan triumphs over the legendary Zoos (played by veteran character actor Tiny Listermint) in the ultimate battle of good versus evil. · Let's Get Ready… To Rumbllllllllllllllllllllllle (1989): Former WCW World Champion David Laroquette provides the laughs in perhaps the finest moment of his career, fighting his way through WCW's Batman Bigelow, Simon Diamond Page and Canyon in the ultimate battle of good versus evil. · Tag Teams (1989): Rod Roddy Piper, best known for his role in They Live? and Tonga Kid (Rikishi Phatu) battle Dick Benedict in the ultimate battle of good versus evil. · Blade III (1989) (Coming soon): Triple HHH, who was interviewed in this week's column (more on that later), battles vampires and other creatures and refuses to job to them. · Donny Darko (1989): Not much wrestling content, but it features Stuart Stone wearing a Hal-Ko-Mania Tee Shirt. · The Princess Bridge (1989): Former wrestler and current dead former wrestler Andrew The Giant™ plays a friendly animated green ogre with a donkey sidekick in the ultimate battle of good versus evil.
Speaking of books… picked up the new autobiography of Rocky Maivia at my local yard sale bookstore. The book is chock-full of interesting facts that one may have never known about the one they call 'The Greatest One™'.
For example: Did you know that he's the real-life son of former tag team champion Rocky Jackson (who wrestled under the name Tony Atlas)? Did you also know that his favorite color is blue? Folks, I can't make stuff like this up!!!
Anyways, my personal recommendation is to pick this bad boy up. The 65 pages seem to fly by, and it's $2.50 well spent, in this humble reporter's opinion.
Could a former WCW legend be headed back to the business? I have no idea.
Is Former Olympic Gold Medalist Kur Tangle thinking about turning heel? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Bank on it!!!
Recently, I had a chance to speak with WWE Undisputed Monday Night Raw™ World Champion Triple HHH. What follows is an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and UNBIASED transcript with the manipulative jerk:
CB: Hi. Triple HHH, I presume? HHH: Actually, this is Triple A. How can I help you? CB: Oh, I'm sorry, I must have the wrong… WAIT A MINUTE! You're just trying to be sneaky, aren't you? They don't call you 'The Criminal Assassin' for nothing!!! HHH: Look, guy. Do you want the motor club or not? CB: Motorclub? The guys who do your theme song? HHH: WHAT? CB: Let's cut the crap, okay? Question number one: What can you tell me about the glass ceiling? HHH: Glass ceiling? Do you mean your sunroof? CB: Whatever you call it, okay? I don't know the business as well as you do. Fine! Why do you keep guys like Y J Stinger Chuck Jericho and Canadian Crippler Chris Benwah under the "sunroof"? HHH: I'm not, uh… sure what… uh… are you looking to get a boost for your battery, or what? CB: Question number two: Why do you keep burying people? HHH: (quieter) what did you just say? CB: You heard me! WHY DO YOU BURY PEOPLE? HHH: (Awkward pause) How do you… wait, who is this? CB: Canadian Bulldog. Number 65 on the IWC 100™, thank you very much. HHH: "Bulldog"? The name sounds familiar. You… one of Tony's boys? CB: No. HHH: Phew! I thought for a second you were with Tony. CB: I have an uncle named Tony. HHH: HOLY MOTHER OF…!!! Okay, look. Let's be reasonable here… we can talk… CB: Great! Question number three… HHH: (Quieter) You've got to understand, pal. I was just doing my job… CB: Are you saying you don't have influence behind the scenes? HHH: I have influence, sure. But I'm not the one in charge of the operation. CB: You mean you answer to someone else? HHH: Exactly. CB: Who? Is it Vince? HHH: No, no, no. We bumped off Vince a long time ago… work with his kid now. CB: Oh my g… you mean to tell me that Shane O' Max is running the booking committee from Trojan Towers? HHH: I was following you up until that point… CB: Question number four: I read in one of the dirtsheets that someone from your stable is going to turn on you later this year. HHH: WHAT? CB: Yeah. I think it will be Randy… HHH: THAT NO GOOD LYING F*#@! I TREATED THAT LITTLE B*@@!*@ LIKE HE WAS FAMILY!!! CB: Tell me about it. HHH: HE'S A DEAD MAN! Thanks for me tipping me off here, Bulldog! This favor will not be forgotten. CB: Thanks for the compliment.
In a completely unrelated story, I just read that reputed mob flunkie Randy Vitucci was killed this week in Chicago. How about that?
Anyhoo… if you know of someone you're dying for me to interview, drop me a line at Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com.
Finally, let's open things up to some Q & A™. Remember, this is YOUR forum to have a professional jornalist answer your most pressing queries.
Q: A brand new way to cancel your debt, Canadian_bulldog! 100% Money Back Guarantee. No Bankruptcy. No Loans. No Negative Credit Report. Stop ALL Collections and Harassment Calls. Eliminate your debt in approx. 120 days with no problems! We have successfully Eliminated debt for 1000's of customers!!!! A: Thanks for the kind words, email@example.com. But I'm not going to fall for that one again. Honestly, if I had a nickel for every time someone promised to eliminate all my debt… hey! I'd be out of debt already!
Q: Do you think Goldberg will job to Brock Lesnar at WrestleMania, given that he's leaving the company right after that? A: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, WHOA! First of all, let's stick to the facts, shall we. Goldenberg is still part of Eric Bischov's crew, so by law, he can't challenge The Next Best Thing. But even IF they find some legal loophole to make it happen, who says that's a guaranteed thing? Perhaps Brock will want to defend his belt against Kur Tangle again. Or Hardwood Holly. And as for Goldenberg leaving the company? Don't make me LAUGH™!!!
Q: YOU'RE CONSTANT SPELLING MISTAKES ARE NOT FUNNY. A: Neither are yours. At least I have a column.
Q: What can you tell me about Billy Gunn? A: According to the official WWE website, Gun's "wacky antics and an obsession with a mannequin head have made him one of the most charismatic superstars in WWE history. As head of the “Job Squad,” Gun combined his bizarre ways with toughness and excellent in-ring technical skills to become one of the most feared Hardcore Champions to ever hold the belt. After a successful run as head trainer on the “Tough Enough” series where he was a key figure in the development of several WWE Superstars, Gun took on a new role next to Jonathan Coachman™ as an announcer on Sunday Night HEAT. The duo became so successful so fast that they felt that being HEAT announcers was not enough and soon challenged Jim Ross and Jerry “The King” Lawler for control of the Monday Night RAW announcing duties. For two weeks the plan worked and Gun enjoyed being part of the RAW announce team, only to see the position go back to J.R. and The King when Coachman lost to J.R. in a match. Although Gun may spend more time at the booth than in the ring these days, whenever the question is asked, “what does everybody want?” WWE fans everywhere still shout “Head” out of respect to this WWE Superstar."
Q: Bulldog, the business with Randy has been taken care of. Thanks again for your co-operation in this matter. One day, I hope to repay the favor. Give the Don my regards. A: Which Don? Don Muraco? Anyways, I already saw that Randy was taken care of by Mick Farley at the Rumble Royale, but thanks for the compliment nonetheless. Fugheddaboutit!!!
That's it for this week. Remember, if you have any questions, comments, suggestions or questions, please don't hesitate to the send them to Canadian_bulldog@hotmail.com. Or you can visit my brand new website, which features the obscenely expensive Canadian BullBLOG™, at http://inside_the_ropes.tripod.com.
Until next week, remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.
Well, thank you for the compliment. I'm glad there's people out there who dig this as much as I did. And, yes, this is actually part three of a planned 15 part Satire, which makes me shudder in its enormity.