On Sunday, February 25th, in Philadelphia, PA, Brock Lesnar will defend his coveted WWE title against his most fearsome (snicker) opponent to date: BOB HOLLY.
That's not a typo folks: BOB MOTHERFUCKING HOLLY. AKA Hardcore Holly, Bodacious Bob (or Bombastic Bob, I forget which and don't care enough to look it up) Bob "Sparkplug" Holly, and perhaps most embarrassingly of all: THURMAN "SPARKY" PLUGG. Yes, when Bob Holly first entered the WWF, he did so as "Two-sport athlete Thurman "Sparky" Plugg." You see, he was a wrestler and a RACECAR DRIVER. Ironically enough, he never won any races or any matches. He was a two-sport loser. So after 15 years of laying down for every wrestler on the WWF roster, he's finally wrestling Brock Lesnar for the WWE title.
You see, Brock and Bob have a score to settle. Seems old Bob was being a dick and not cooperating with Brock during one of their televised matches. So Brock did the only thing he could do. He broke Bob's neck. FO REAL YO. The funny thing is, nobody cares about Bob Holly's neck being broken, because nobody, in fact, cares about Bob Holly. Not even his mother.
Yet the WWE has seen fit to build an angle and a WWE title defense around said broken neck. And as my longtime friend and WWF/E Fan Frank said "Bob Holly wrestling for the title? That just doesn't make sense." Truer words have never been spoken.
Now granted, this is the Royal Rumble, so any other match automatically takes a back seat to the big 30-man extravaganza. But still... Bob Holly? Wasn't King Mabel available? He was much more beloved than Bob Holly. After all, he sported a bleach-blonde mohawk, lip-synched poorly-written old-school raps and wore an 10XL purple lamé jumpsuit to the ring. What's not to love?
Bob Holly will not win the WWE title. I am 100% certain of this. Let me go on record with this bold proclamation: If Bob Holly wins the WWE title, I will eat the soft-top off my Jeep. FO REAL YO.
My contention: Bob Holly is not only the least-qualified wrestler to ever wrestle for the WWE title, but the least qualified Holly as well. There are several Hollies that I'd rather see wrestling for the WWE title:
1. Crash Holly- Yes, he is dead, but that still isn't enough to convince me that he couldn't put on a better match with Brock. He could be the first ever dead WWE champion. And as the icing on the cake, this would cause Bret Hart to mumble "It should have been Owen" while he's motoring around Calgary in his Scootabout Geriatric Chair.
2. Molly Holly- Granted, she's a chick wrestler, but she can work in the ring, and there's always the chance her boobs will pop put while she's in the Brock Lock, giving me something exciting and new to look out while I whack off.
3. Holly Marie Combs, of TV's Charmed- OK, she's not even a chick wrestler, but the whole "boobs/whacking off" thing still applies. DON'T YOU JUDGE ME.
4. Holly Hobby- A fictional character. A fictional female character to boot. A fictional female character in plaid and pigtails. The fact that she makes my list above Bob Holly should tell you just how little I think of him.
To back up my contention that Bob Holly should never wrestle for the WWE title, I began developing a intricate computer program that examines the movesets, win/loss records and prior matches of both Bob and Brock, feeds all of that information into a database, then calculates every conceivable match scenario. After days and days of exhaustive work, I finally completed the program, which after 8 seconds of computing produced this: Result: Lesnar defeats Holly via pinfall at the :03 mark.
Undaunted, I decided to feed some new information into the database to see if I could give Bob an advantage.
Scenario 1:
Brock Lesnar (with one arm tied behind his back)
vs.
Bob Holly
Unaffected by the loss of one arm, Lesnar pauses a second to scratch his ass, then immediately pins Holly. Result: Lesnar defeats Holly via pinfall at the :04 mark.
Scenario 2:
Brock Lesnar
vs.
Bob Holly (with Konami cheat code)
After entering the ring, Holly produces a NES controller from his jeans, enters UP, DOWN, UP, DOWN, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, A, B, A, B and then hits START. Now he squares off against Lesnar with 30 extra lives. Surely the WWE title will be his! Result: Lesnar defeats Holly via 15 pinfalls, 8 submissions, 5 count-outs and 2 disqualifications at the 1:46 mark.
Scenario 3:
Brock Lesnar
vs.
Bob Holly (with Venom symbiote)
Bob recruits the help of the alien symbiote that once bonded with Eddie Brock to become the destructive, ultra-violent Venom. With his physical strength magnified many times over and a near invulnerability to pain, Venom-Bob is sure to claim the WWE title! Result: The symbiote suffers 8 seconds of public embarrassment after the crowd begins to mock him for choosing Bob Holly as his human host. The symbiote quickly abandons Holly, and finds a much more suitable host in ringside V.I. P. Donovan McNabb. Lesnar goes on to pin Holly at the :12 mark. Additionally, Venom-McNabb, powered by his awe-inspiring symbiotic afro, tears through the rest of the NFL, easily claiming a Super Bowl victory
Scenario 4:
Brock Lesnar
vs.
Bob Holly (with Super Mario Bros. Invincibility Star)
Granted complete invulnerability for a full thirty seconds, Holly will do everything in his power to gain an early advantage and capitalize on it with THE BEST DROPKICK IN THE BUSINESS, scoring a pinfall and taking home the gold. Result: Even though he is invulnerable, Holly is unable to score any offense, because he only knows one move: THE BEST DROPKICK IN THE BUSINESS. After his thirty seconds of invulnerability wear off, Lesnar pins him at the :34 second mark.
Scenario 5:
Brock Lesnar
vs.
Bob Holly (with Infinity Gauntlet)
Armed with the power to alter the very fabric of time and reality, Holly strides to the ring, confident that he will at last taste the sweet success of his first world title. The Infinity Gauntlet, the most power artifact in the Marvel Universe can change anything. The basic laws of time, space and physics no longer apply. Unfortunately for Bob Holly, not even this amount of god-like power can change the fact that THURMAN "SPARKY" PLUGG SUCKS SO MUCH FAT FUCKING COCK THAT HE SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED IN THE SAME ARENA, LET ALONE RING, AS BROCK LESNAR. Result: Lesnar defeats Holly via pinfall at the :03 mark. And then Thanos takes his Gauntlet back and fists Holly with it.
Originally posted by AlessandroAfter entering the ring, Holly produces a NES controller from his jeans, enters UP, DOWN, UP, DOWN, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, A, B, A, B and then hits START. Now he squares off against Lesnar with 30 extra lives.
I agree with the entire post except for one thing...
The Contra cheat code was "up, down, up, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, B, A, Start" :-)
I don't see why whoever wrote that hates Bob Holly so much. The guy has been kind of inspiring since returning from a broken neck and he's a legit tough guy, so it'd be nice putting the title on someone different for once.
Wow..I actually laughed out loud mate...and I'm the BIGGEST Holly mark here...congrats...but I can't be bothered to defend him against Norman...he's simply too much
Cheers,
Erin
(edited by Ta2grrl on 16.1.04 1022) Omen Tattoo's Vancouver BC Canada
Originally posted by The GoonI don't see why whoever wrote that hates Bob Holly so much. The guy has been kind of inspiring since returning from a broken neck and he's a legit tough guy, so it'd be nice putting the title on someone different for once.
Actually I give this match three ways it can be watchable:
1) Lesnar throws everything but the kitchen sink, but Holly keeps coming back for more, trying to build up crowd sympathy he didn't have going into the match while the match is in progress.
2) Brock sells next to nothing and systematically dismantles Holly, with a good effort by Holly bumping all over the place in order to make Lesnar look like a monster going into the WrestleMania date with Goldberg, making it look like a clash of the titans, or if against Benoit, making it look like that much more of a David v Goliath matchup.
3) Bob gets a little too froggy in the match, and decides to go TE Season three on Brock. Lesnar, first amused than seriously pissed off, re-enacts every injury Holly's ever had in the ring for the next 20 minutes. :P
Originally posted by The GoonI don't see why whoever wrote that hates Bob Holly so much. The guy has been kind of inspiring since returning from a broken neck and he's a legit tough guy, so it'd be nice putting the title on someone different for once.
Count me in as pro-Holly for the Rumble.
You can't be serious.
Why can't he be serious?? Just because YOU don't like Hardcore?? I'm with the Goon...but then you knew that already!
Cheers,
Erin
(edited by Ta2grrl on 16.1.04 1059) Omen Tattoo's Vancouver BC Canada
Originally posted by Blanket Jackson1) Lesnar throws everything but the kitchen sink, but Holly keeps coming back for more, trying to build up crowd sympathy he didn't have going into the match while the match is in progress.
That's the thing: Holly's story isn't really inspiring to me, cause I'm not sympathetic towards his cause. I'm actually more sympathetic towards Brock. Is it really the MO of babyfaces to threaten and hunt down heels? Isn't it the other way around (Nailz-Bossman and Cena-Brock are two examples off the top of my head)? This is just a pure and simple revenge story, but something ain't right about it. Even The Bride from "Kill Bill" was sympathetic.
The oringial post was awesome. And I like Holly.
Originally posted by Von MaestroThe Contra cheat code was "up, down, up, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, B, A, Start" :-)
Originally posted by Blanket Jackson1) Lesnar throws everything but the kitchen sink, but Holly keeps coming back for more, trying to build up crowd sympathy he didn't have going into the match while the match is in progress.
That's the thing: Holly's story isn't really inspiring to me, cause I'm not sympathetic towards his cause. I'm actually more sympathetic towards Brock. Is it really the MO of babyfaces to threaten and hunt down heels? Isn't it the other way around (Nailz-Bossman and Cena-Brock are two examples off the top of my head)? This is just a pure and simple revenge story, but something ain't right about it. Even The Bride from "Kill Bill" was sympathetic.
The oringial post was awesome. And I like Holly.
Originally posted by Von MaestroThe Contra cheat code was "up, down, up, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, B, A, Start" :-)
Mr. Burns: You are of course familiar with our state usury laws? Homer:U-sur-y? Mr. Burns: Oh silly me, I must have just used a word that doesn't exist.
I'm not supposed to be laughing this hard with a sore throat. That's too damn funny. When I read the thread, I knew that something involving the spirit of Crash Holly would come into play.
While I would like to see a title change at the Rumble, I doubt this match is where I'll see it. Brock is going to retain the title via DQ of Holly. He's going to go psycho on Brock once he gets his hands on him. Beating Brock down like Ralphie beat up Farkus in "A Christmas Story", muttering profanities... Sorry, that's the TheraFlu talking here.
Anywhoo... Thanks for the laugh Alessandro.
"Yes, I rather like this God fellow. He's very theatrical, you know, a pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence. Gotta get me some of that." - Stewie Griffin
Originally posted by The GoonI don't see why whoever wrote that hates Bob Holly so much. The guy has been kind of inspiring since returning from a broken neck and he's a legit tough guy, so it'd be nice putting the title on someone different for once.
Count me in as pro-Holly for the Rumble.
You can't be serious.
Why can't he be serious?? Just because YOU don't like Hardcore?? I'm with the Goon...but then you knew that already!
Cheers,
Erin
(edited by Ta2grrl on 16.1.04 1059)
Because it would be a bad idea. Because Bob Holly isn't WWE Champ material. Becuase Holly isn't even ME material. Because the fans would shit all over it. Because it would totally kill the crowd in the arena. Because it would do nothing but hurt Lesnar and whomever they hot-shot the belt onto after Holly.
I'm all for fresh guys at the top of the card, but Bob Holly isn't it.
If this was WCW, I'd favor Holly Hobby in a match against Lesnar, as Time Warner/AOL suits could think of the crossmarketing. Now, onto the ways the impossible happens and Sparky wins the belt:
A lighting ficture falls from the ceiling, striking both of them and causing Sparky to land on top of Brock. Both would be dead, but Sparky would be champ. or Vince's syphillis finally rots enough of his brain that he thinks Sparky Plugg as World Champ could lead to an XFL-Nascar brand.
This is God's country, this is America and I've got a Rolex watch and you don't. Ha Ha.
Well, there is the precedent that includes "babyface gets injured by heel, chases them to end of the earth until they righteously kick their ass real good", although granted, when you picture FEAR OF GOD BABYFACE, Bob Holly isn't listed. But yeah, Rapmaster Cena as a gimmick didn't get over until he started making fun of Lesnar and Brock dealt with it accordingly.
But really my whole point about that scenario was see if they actually DO care about Holly. I don't think they do either, but if the crowd shits on the attempted comeback, that's it...he's done as a babyface. But that's the best way to find out.
Thread ahead: Vengeance 2002 on sale for $9.99 at Shopzone. Next thread: the mighty WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 1/15/2004! Previous thread: ICP in NWA-TNA
#
#
